Love language - Acts of Service; or not interested?

[glows]

12 hours ago, Jet8419 said:

Thanks all. So the consensus here still seems like his behaviour is odd and he could be hiding something. To clarify, we are just dating exclusively but not defined the relationship ie. only seeing each other without the gf/bf label. When we do hang out, he’s very affectionate and likes hugging/ cuddling/ kissing me, holding hands etc. I understand his work is very hectic and he doesn’t get much time to even rest, so any free time he gets is precious to him. From my observation so far, he has been honest with me about everything and hasn’t lied about anything, and is genuinely very busy with work as I’ve visited him at his workplace before. As of now, our dates are random, could be once a fortnight or once a week depending on his schedule. Except like what most of you mentioned, his actions match neither being a very good friend nor a boyfriend. 

I didn't read anything so suspicious in his behaviour. He's just not that motivated or interested in seeing you more often. Both of you may have lapsed into a comfortable routine and since he's gotten into the habit of looking after your apartment he's been more of a property caretaker than a boyfriend.

He sees the way you live and knows that you're a single, available woman. It's easy for him, something he doesn't have to put much effort into. As long as he has continuous access to your apartment, he has an ongoing reason to see you. Why should he have to make the effort to ask you out on a date. Imo, it's more laziness and not trying or making much of an effort compounded by his ever-present work demands. 

I'd be reconsidering whether I want to be around a man who isn't so free with his time or familiar with my house. He wouldn't fulfill my needs in a relationship and I can just as well do without the stocked fridge or other added favours and take care of myself. 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by glows

[poppyfields]

@Jet8419 I asked this earlier but what would be the harm in asking HIM what his deal is? 

I mean you're supposedly dating, right?  Exclusively you said. 

For the life of me, I can't figure out why people are afraid to ask the basic questions -- what's up with you?  Lol

Ok not quite like that, in your own words. 

It's not a hard OR uncomfortable question to ask, to me it's pretty standard.

His behavior is extremely odd, even HE has to know that. 

My suggestion?  Communicate, talk to him -- the man you're exclusively dating..

Get it straight from the proverbial horses mouth, it's better than guessing don't you think? 

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

On 4/24/2022 at 8:35 PM, Jet8419 said:

I’ve been dating a workaholic for the last few months and things were going well for a month or so. he said he’s working on a project and needs to focus on it for the next 12 months, so he won’t have time for me. I took it as that’s the end of our short dating stint. 

Is this the same man:?

 

[Jet8419]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@Jet8419 I asked this earlier but what would be the harm in asking HIM what his deal is? 

I mean you're supposedly dating, right?  Exclusively you said. 

For the life of me, I can't figure out why people are afraid to ask the basic questions -- what's up with you?  Lol

Ok not quite like that, in your own words. 

It's not a hard OR uncomfortable question to ask, to me it's pretty standard.

His behavior is extremely odd, even HE has to know that. 

My suggestion?  Communicate, talk to him -- the man you're exclusively dating..

Get it straight from the proverbial horses mouth, it's better than guessing don't you think? 

 

Yes thank you. I guess it’s just whenever I want to talk to him about it, we get distracted talking about other stuff and then run out of time given he has barely 2 hours from when he reaches home to his bedtime. So I feel a bit rushed whenever I meet him for dinner. 

[Jet8419]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this the same man:?

 

It’s a different guy but similar in traits. Seems like I keep going for the workaholic or distant type as I’m busy with my own work and need a bit of space myself. I’m content with seeing a guy once a week or fortnight, but these 2 guys weren’t even making it once a month. 

[Jee]

Hi all, I’m new to this forum, so I’ll try to keep it concise. 

I mainly want to hear from guys who are ambitious and workaholic - how do you prioritise your relationship?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and I’m really struggling. He works in a highly stressful job for 60-70 hours a week and we hardly get to meet. When he finally gets to take some time off for a break, all he wants to do is spend time alone or with his parents. It almost feels like I’m non-existent. I’ve brought up this issue with him on multiple occasions and his reason was always he just needs to rest first. The longest we’ve gone without seeing each other was 2 months at the peak of his work chaos. He has apologised he isn’t always around and is fully aware I’m upset about the lack of time we’re spending together, so he makes up for it by taking me out to dinners on the few occasions we get to meet, or helping me with handyman work around my place when he can. I don’t feel like this is a normal relationship, yet I can’t work out how else a workaholic can spend any time with his partner.

So I would like to hear from men in high positions or stressful jobs:

1. How do you not neglect your partner?

2. Would you be upset if your partner is asking to spend more time with you? 
 

3. How would you feel if, due to your lack of time together, your partner starts hanging out with other men who ask her out?

 

[JTSW]

I'm not a guy but its perfectly reasonable to want to spend time with your SO.

You are not a priority to him because when he does get a break, you are not the person he goes to.

It doesn't sound like you guys are compatible.

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Jee said:

 if, due to your lack of time together, your partner starts hanging out with other men who ask her out?

Sorry this is happening. You're not compatible. Many people work hard and have relationships. It may be best to end things before start seeing other men. 

Edited April 4, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Jee]

For my own understanding, what kind of girl is compatible with such a man? Someone equally busy and who doesn’t have much spare time? 
 

I’ve tried keeping myself occupied with other activities, then I realised having a workaholic bf is no different to being single since he’s always not around. And hence the thought of ending things did come to my mind… 

[JTSW]

Compatibility comes in many forms.

Personality, likes and dislikes etc.

If you are not happy in the relationship then that's all you need to know.

[Lisa]

@Jet8419 and @Jee are the same poster.  

[Calmandfocused]

Your timelines are not adding up Op. 

How have you been with your boyfriend 3 years when you only recently got together in April 2022? Even if this is another dude, you couldn’t have been together 3 years. 
 

I’m a self professed female workaholic. I’m also a mother, a friend, a daughter etc. My life is jam packed. 
 

I haven’t dated in 18 months (apart  from 2 dates with a man I randomly met the end of last year). 
 

I don’t want to date as I don’t have time for it. However  …:

If the universe happened to present me an amazing guy then i would move heaven and earth to make time for him.
 

If he meant a lot to me, I’d do it, no doubt about it. I’ve managed to do it before, I could do it again. 

When someone is too busy for you they don’t feel enough for you. You are not a priority in their life. 
 

2 months where you didn’t see him? That is disgusting. You’re letting yourself be devalued and you have the power to stop this right now. 

[Gaeta]

Thinking about it, I have always had workaholic men in my life and they never made me feel neglected because I was important to them so their every free moment was devoted to me. My boyfriend works long hours and is in the middle or Ramadan so he's at the Mosque every night after work, sleeps 2-3 hours in the morning, head to his job, back at the Mosque around 7pm. Even though he's exhausted that little window he has between 5pm and 7pm he drives to me all the out in the suburbs so we can spend that little time together. This Friday I have a family gathering and he took time off work so he can accompany me- because I am important to him and he wants above all to make me happy. See the difference between a busy man that cares and one that doesn't?