Ive blocked him. wish me luck

[inlove20102010]

Met my MM online 4 years ago. Spoke every night as friends for 2 years he did not tell me he was married, I got feelings and decided I wanted to meet him but could not as I was in a relationship (he did not know I was with someone).

I left my lifelong partner (as the relationship was dead) and spent a long time getting over my original partner before him before meeting my MM I did the right thing as I thought we would be together. How wrong I was!

At this stage I thought MM was single. After a few weeks of him coming round just to chat he told me he was married. There was nothing physical at this time. Now 3 years on he comes over and we have sex every few weeks. He says hes not sleeping with wife but I don't believe him. 

I love him so much but I know what this is.

I feel so confused but I cannot even face going out with anyone else as I am so attached to him as my heart is with MM and no-one has ever made me feel like the way he makes me feel. We speak online every day and on phone and this has been going on for 4 years. Every day/night. Every Friday he disappears online and I get these thoughts that he is having sex with wife on Friday nights as he suddenly is unavailable online at the same time each week with varying excuses. On Friday I actually blocked him. No words. Just blocked. But I know he will try some way to contact me and I will cave in as its happened before. He has never said he will leave his wife for me or that he loves me so it is all my fault for feeling like this. He has said it is too difficult as we both have children and he has financial problems. 

How do you break the attachment? How do you let go of the dream? I blocking him and then keep going back to him. I have been single now (due to this mess) for 3 years my kids have suffered loosing their father but he did me a favor as my relationship was not good. I am....waiting...waiting for what? The pain is immense no-one deserves this, and probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do ever. It's not that difficult to get divorced I tell myself! He is using me! I tell myself but I have still allowed this to go on. 

For nothing. I am trying to come up an explaination for him e.g. "I love you but your married and that does not look like its ever going to change, and I can't be in this relationship with you anymore because I need a healthy relationship and a life partner who is properlly with me. If things change your side then text me but until then don't contact me. "

Please ladies tell me I have done the right thing, how does any human being get over this immense pain or trauma? 

Edited April 25, 2022 by inlove20102010

[Wiseman2]

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. A married person is the perfect unavailable type person for someone only capable of a timeshare style relationship.

Deleting and blocking him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps is the first step.

Is this the same man?:

 

[BaileyB]

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. You definitely did the right thing to end it. 

Quote

I am trying to come up an explaination for him e.g. "I love you but your married and that does not look like its ever going to change, and I can't be in this relationship with you anymore because I need a healthy relationship and a life partner who is properlly with me. If things change your side then text me but until then don't contact me. "

you don’t owe him any explanations. But, if you need one it is fairly simple - he is married and he lied to you. Two things that disqualify him from being a part of your life and your children's lives. Full stop. None of this “text me if/when you are single” stuff. You don’t want this dishonest, disloyal, and unfaithful man in your life or your children’s lives. 

I say, find the joy in your life. Spend time with your children. Do some yoga. Go for long walks. Clean your house (if organization keeps you busy and brings you joy). Spend some time with a girlfriend. Learn something new!  Plan a vacation this summer with your children. It needs to be a conscious effort in distraction and self care.

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Has he promised you he will leave his wife and be with you?  If you really want this to be over just tell his wife.  She deserves to know.

[glows]

6 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

Met my MM online 4 years ago. Spoke every night as friends for 2 years he did not tell me he was married, I got feelings and decided I wanted to meet him but could not as I was in a relationship (he did not know I was with someone).

I left my lifelong partner (as the relationship was dead) and spent a long time getting over my original partner before him before meeting my MM I did the right thing as I thought we would be together. How wrong I was!

At this stage I thought MM was single. After a few weeks of him coming round just to chat he told me he was married. There was nothing physical at this time. Now 3 years on he comes over and we have sex every few weeks. He says hes not sleeping with wife but I don't believe him. 

I love him so much but I know what this is.

I feel so confused but I cannot even face going out with anyone else as I am so attached to him as my heart is with MM and no-one has ever made me feel like the way he makes me feel. We speak online every day and on phone and this has been going on for 4 years. Every day/night. Every Friday he disappears online and I get these thoughts that he is having sex with wife on Friday nights as he suddenly is unavailable online at the same time each week with varying excuses. On Friday I actually blocked him. No words. Just blocked. But I know he will try some way to contact me and I will cave in as its happened before. He has never said he will leave his wife for me or that he loves me so it is all my fault for feeling like this. He has said it is too difficult as we both have children and he has financial problems. 

How do you break the attachment? How do you let go of the dream? I blocking him and then keep going back to him. I have been single now (due to this mess) for 3 years my kids have suffered loosing their father but he did me a favor as my relationship was not good. I am....waiting...waiting for what? The pain is immense no-one deserves this, and probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do ever. It's not that difficult to get divorced I tell myself! He is using me! I tell myself but I have still allowed this to go on. 

For nothing. I am trying to come up an explaination for him e.g. "I love you but your married and that does not look like its ever going to change, and I can't be in this relationship with you anymore because I need a healthy relationship and a life partner who is properlly with me. If things change your side then text me but until then don't contact me. "

Please ladies tell me I have done the right thing, how does any human being get over this immense pain or trauma? 

Do small steps. If you speak every night break that routine and busy yourself with other things to do. It's painful leaning on someone so much and then realizing that that person is not someone you want to be leaning on. The flood of thoughts that come to you are likely negative. "I can't do this" "I don't think I can" "This is too painful" "I need him to tell me what's happening" "Why won't he call me" and so on. The hardest part is stopping those thoughts and telling yourself that you can do this, it is not too painful that you can't get through it and you actually don't need him to tell you what's happening or what he's doing. 

Be very aware of the thoughts that are passing through your mind as they affect the way you view the situation and also your confidence getting through this tough spot. The reality is he's a busy and occupied married man who has someone else he's taken a vow with. All that time and thought you're spending on him can be spent on your children instead so change those patterns of thinking and doing and spend your energy elsewhere. That's how you get over this immense pain.

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

 It's not that difficult to get divorced I tell myself!

 

It may be "difficult" for him in the same way it is "difficult" for you to quit him. There is an emotional bond there along with many other things, and breaking it actually is quite difficult. It sounds like you're right though that he has chosen to stay married and for better or worse that is quite unlikely to change.

[Luna66star]

I am wondering if there were any red flags during those first 2 years that raised concerns for you?  Like disappearing or being unavailable at certain times?  

He's certainly deceitful by not revealing his marital status to you at the start. It's easy for these men to hook women online because they can hide who they really are.  

You are in love with a fraud artist.  He fooled and conned you. I would despise not love such an imposter.

Stop all contact.  Register on a dating site and start talking with other men.  This man is not the only man on the planet.  There are millions of others out there to choose from.  Some too who can also make you happy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[inlove20102010]

Thank you for making me stronger in the face of this he reached out several times already and I have ignored. I have to keep reading this forum to not cave in. Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

I read this earlier that my friend sent me and I hope this can help anyone in my shoes reading this:

Trauma bonding is when your so heavily attached to a toxic person, that you are willing to maintain a relationship, even at the expense of yourself for the few and far between highs.

Your brain gets highly addicted to the habitual ups and downs of oxytocin, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin, that even when the relationship ends, you will seek and crave the person or become obsessive or seek similar people, in order to get your fix.

It's the rewiring of the neurological pathways of love, turning against itself.

The loss of love makes you crave them more.

You're dependent in the same way a heroin addict is.

[Luna66star]

You hit this right on the nail girl!!  It's all so true.  Trauma bonding is what you are experiencing.  I went through it and even to this day I still think of him, wondering how he's doing.  Isn't that crazy?  But I don't contact him, no matter how lonely or desperate I feel.  The addiction was relentless and had a hold on me, thinking this was love.  It's not - its addiction much like a drug.  

As long as he kept popping up every so often (called intermittent reinforcement BTW), I was his slave to the addiction.

How did I put this behind me?  I couldn't just stop cold turkey, it was impossible.  You may feel the same. I had to convince myself  this was not love but simply addiction.  But whenever he contacted me I would cave in each time because of my "feelings".

I didn't want to hurt his wife by telling her, she's an innocent bystander and so were his kids. I told him it's over & to not make any further contact.  Just ignoring them won't work.  As hard as it was, I joined 2 dating sites to get my mind off him.  I casually met guys and kept pretty busy with it. The trick is to get busy with other things to the point MM wasn't crossing my mind as much.  After awhile he was silent but still popped up here and there but I did not reply.  He eventually gave up all together.  We no longer speak and I still date, have hobbies and work.  

Like I said- He was a part of my life so sometimes I do think of him.  I do not contact him.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[inlove20102010]

@Luna66star - I am so sorry for you Luna66star, I am sorry you have been through this horrendous thing in your life. My heart goes out to you as it sounds like you are in the same position as me. I too don't want to tell the wife as it's not her fault, why inflict the pain on her? It is like a drug because I ignore him, finish it whatever then about 3-4 weeks of no contact get roped back in - due to missing him, missing sex etc. I know it's not healthy but seriously I do not want to date anyone else and feel that I will never meet anyone like him or ever feel like this.

No-one in my 53 years on this earth has made me feel the way he has. I bet you also feel / still feel the same way. Thank you for sharing how strong you have been through all this, it takes guts and I guess until you meet a man that is equivient you will always think about him. I admire you. Women tend to just blame the OW but have absolutely no idea of the nightmares we have to go through due to the mental / psychological bonding we have to a toxic man, these men know what they are doing and manipulate you.

I am going to keep busy with work now and loosing weight (Ive put on so much weight due to being depressed that he did not leave his wife) I hope to get strong like you with each day I will get stronger. I just feel so sad but I suppose we can take away one thing @Luna66star we will never never date a married man again and get deep in this web of pain. x

[Wiseman2]

Try to think of it as a mistake you made at a bad time in your life. If you try to talk yourself into an insurmountable "trauma bond" or "heroin addiction", you're making matters much worse.

You're applying a helplessness and not-in-your-control thinking to a situation that was basically nothing more than a bad choice made because of a bad mindset.

The first step is to address underlying issues. Make an appointment for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Rule out hormonal and metabolic issues. 

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss the helplessness and hopelessness. Discuss the anxiety and depression and whatever bad place you where in when you got involved in the affair.