EA or more?

[Lastunicorn22]

So my hisbdd say be and I have been married for 4 years. He started a new job the beginning of 2020 and the Covid hit. So he was working from home. 
but then the beginning of 2021 they returned to the office for a rotating shift. 
he has always told me about how work was and new friends he made. And just the things that were going on. And what they would talk about. 
fast forward to February of 2022, my husband was on a trip for work. And I could just feel something was different. He didn’t ask how my day was, what I was up to or how the kids were doing. So I started asking questions. 
When he got back I found out he lied about who he was sitting next to on the flight back. They both upgraded to first class to sit next to each other. 
then I found out he lied about a restaurant bill. First I thought that he paid for her dinner but he said he just gave a very generous tip. But then I found out he had a few drinks. 
After that I asked him to see his phone and I found out that they were talking to each other a lot so I asked him for how long it was going on. And he said it only started in January. But when I asked to see the phone statement I found out trey were texting since September of 2021.
It startet of with a lot of messages but mostly during the week and became more and more and got to the point where they were talking every day. Over 1600 messages per month. 
There were also times where he would ignore me or find excuses to not text me, but he would still be texting her. 
He says it was never anything more than talking about work and sending funny memes or talking s*** about their Exes. 
For me it’s hard though to believe you can talk for nearly six months every day, every time I leave the house or when I’m not around, to talk about work and Exes? 
And why not tell me about her? I hear about all his other colleagues and their problems but I never heard about her issues. I mean I heard her name maybe once or twice in those six months. 
He said be broke off all contact but I am still unsure. He lied so many times and would only admit if he didn’t have a chance out. 
but I have no way of finding out if they are still talking because he knows now that I have access to the phone bill. 
What if they talk through email now? Or Instagram, Facebook? 
I don’t know how to trust, even though I want it to work out with us again. 
Oh I also tried talking to her, but she just got very defensive and almost mad.  
I really, really need some advice cause I feel like I’m going crazy. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Lastunicorn22 said:

When he got back I found out he lied about who he was sitting next to on the flight back. They both upgraded to first class to sit next to each other. 
then I found out he lied about a restaurant bill. First I thought that he paid for her dinner but he said he just gave a very generous tip. But then I found out he had a few drinks. 
 

Sorry this is happening. You're instincts seem correct that when there's smoke there's fire.

Do not confront his co-workers. Your husband is the one who's lying and living it up with women on business trips.

Your first step is to get tested for STDs. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell your husband.

Next is consulting an attorney for information on your situation and your options in separation and divorce. Do not tell your husband.

If you wish to save the marriage, you'll need to be armed with facts regarding divorce.

Tell your husband he has some choices and those are: marriage therapy and ending the affair or divorce.

He will minimize the affair, make you think you're imaging things etc.  Don't condone it.

[glows]

6 hours ago, Lastunicorn22 said:

He lied so many times 

You're dealing with this, a liar, so it's inevitable that you'll feel like you're going crazy. He may gaslight you and lie some more. Have you decided what you want to do? Contacting her isn't an option as you've experienced. 

[Lastunicorn22]

1 hour ago, glows said:

You're dealing with this, a liar, so it's inevitable that you'll feel like you're going crazy. He may gaslight you and lie some more. Have you decided what you want to do? Contacting her isn't an option as you've experienced. 

I have no idea. I just want to know the truth. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Lastunicorn22 said:

I have no idea. I just want to know the truth. 

That may be your downfall and what keeps you tied to the marriage then. You can choose to focus on just how lousy of a husband he is or face your limits and move on.

[Lastunicorn22]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

That may be your downfall and what keeps you tied to the marriage then. You can choose to focus on just how lousy of a husband he is or face your limits and move on.

I know you are right. And I feel stupid for trying to fix this because I still feel like he’s lying. 
It just seems unreal to me. Why would someone be texting for hours every day if there wasn’t more going on? Especially every time I am not around. Every time he leaves the house? All I get is “I don’t know why!” 
But I do love him. I feel like he’s truly sorry. 

[glows]

Just now, Lastunicorn22 said:

I know you are right. And I feel stupid for trying to fix this because I still feel like he’s lying. 
It just seems unreal to me. Why would someone be texting for hours every day if there wasn’t more going on? Especially every time I am not around. Every time he leaves the house? All I get is “I don’t know why!” 
But I do love him. I feel like he’s truly sorry. 

It's too easy to focus on other people or third parties. Try not to focus on that. When I knew my marriage was over it was because it was no longer fulfilling my needs and regardless of how sorry or depressed ex-h was it didn't change the fact that I could no longer trust him. I might have felt sorry for him and sorry for the life we could have had but I knew I had no place beside a man like that. When thinking about whether your marriage is viable any longer it's staying focused on whether the marriage works for you. Unfortunately it's not easy to create a life or a union such as marriage if you're only relying on yourself and can only trust yourself, not your partner.

[Lastunicorn22]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You're instincts seem correct that when there's smoke there's fire.

Do not confront his co-workers. Your husband is the one who's lying and living it up with women on business trips.

Your first step is to get tested for STDs. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell your husband.

Next is consulting an attorney for information on your situation and your options in separation and divorce. Do not tell your husband.

If you wish to save the marriage, you'll need to be armed with facts regarding divorce.

Tell your husband he has some choices and those are: marriage therapy and ending the affair or divorce.

He will minimize the affair, make you think you're imaging things etc.  Don't condone it.

Thank you for your reply. I am trying. 

[vla1120]

He's only going to tell you the bare minimum that he can get away with. Like you said, now that he knows you are checking the phone bill, he'll find another way - a burner phone, possibly. In my mind, an EA is just as devastating as a PA. He's sharing time and information with her that he should be spending/sharing with you. You should speak to a therapist about how to get past the betrayal and trust issue. You'll also need couples therapy so you can make it clear to him that you are not going to stand for this behavior. Don't let him gaslight you or try to turn the blame on you. This is totally on him.

[Lastunicorn22]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

He's only going to tell you the bare minimum that he can get away with. Like you said, now that he knows you are checking the phone bill, he'll find another way - a burner phone, possibly. In my mind, an EA is just as devastating as a PA. He's sharing time and information with her that he should be spending/sharing with you. You should speak to a therapist about how to get past the betrayal and trust issue. You'll also need couples therapy so you can make it clear to him that you are not going to stand for this behavior. Don't let him gaslight you or try to turn the blame on you. This is totally on him.

 

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

He's only going to tell you the bare minimum that he can get away with. Like you said, now that he knows you are checking the phone bill, he'll find another way - a burner phone, possibly. In my mind, an EA is just as devastating as a PA. He's sharing time and information with her that he should be spending/sharing with you. You should speak to a therapist about how to get past the betrayal and trust issue. You'll also need couples therapy so you can make it clear to him that you are not going to stand for this behavior. Don't let him gaslight you or try to turn the blame on you. This is totally on him.

Thank you for your reply. 
He’s already tried to put the blame on me. Which is why I think he has more to hide. 
Sometimes I have this phases where I am so mad and I don’t want him to get away with the lies. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lastunicorn22 said:

Thank you for your reply. I am trying. 

Yes you seem to be trying to wrap your head around it. Trust your instincts they seem quite sharp.

It never hurts to get a some neutral professionals in your corner to help with the objectivity which is hard when there's cognitive dissonance like this. Meaning the truth is so awful your mind wants to accept the false picture to make sense of things.

[glows]

28 minutes ago, Lastunicorn22 said:

Sometimes I have this phases where I am so mad and I don’t want him to get away with the lies. 

That's also using up your precious energy.