Intimacy problems in marriage

[Kirby80]

I'm having some problems with intimacy in my marriage. 

We've been married for 6 years and they've been some of the happiest years of my life. My wife had 3 children before we got together and we have a child together. All I've ever wanted was a family and I've been so lucky to have been blessed with that.

But we had a break up 3 years ago due to me not listening to her enough and getting in arguments, but we got back together. 

We've always been very affectionate towards each other since the start of our relationship, but lately we've been less so. I'm a massive worrier and have found myself under a lot of pressure and stress lately due to work and money. We hardly have any time together on our own as it's a busy household, but we make time to go on date nights/days. 

A few weeks ago my wife said that we need to work on our relationship and be more intimate which I agreed with. A few days ago, she suggested that we have sex and whilst I wanted to, our son was still awake at the time. After we put him to bed, I was very tired as I have not been sleeping well for the last few weeks due to stress and anxiety. She then got upset and slept downstairs on the sofa. In the morning she said that she's no longer attracted to me, doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.

After our last break up and how much it upset our children, she said that she wanted an open relationship as she needs to intimate with someone. I suggested talking about it which she said she doesn't want to do as her points still stand. 

I'm really upset and struggling today to understand why she doesn't want to talk about it to see if we can work on the intimacy side of our marriage. I don't see how an open relationship is going to work out for us as we have never been unfaithful to each other. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Kirby80 said:

 I was very tired as I have not been sleeping well for the last few weeks due to stress and anxiety. She then got upset and slept downstairs on the sofa. 

Sorry this is happening. There seems to be a lot of strain and discord in general if you have already separated once. It seems those issues were never quite resolved. Are you attracted to her?

Her suggestions are preposterous but she's making a point about your rejecting her and having excuses.

Start with going to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the anxiety stress and if there's an ED issue. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Don't allow condoned cheating dressed up as some cool lifestyle. See your doctor and therapist and decide if you want to stay married.

[Kirby80]

Thanks for your reply. I am still attracted to her, both physically and for the person she is. 

I don't mean to keep on rejecting her but I find it hard to disconnect from our home life into being intimate together. We hardly have any time on our own without one of the children asking for something. 

There's no ED issue as I find myself to be in the mood mostly in the mornings when that's not a good time to be intimate with my wife as the children need to get ready to go to school and we both work. 

I would never agree to an open relationship and would decide to end our marriage first. 

 

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. There seems to be a lot of strain and discord in general if you have already separated once. It seems those issues were never quite resolved. Are you attracted to her?

Her suggestions are preposterous but she's making a point about your rejecting her and having excuses.

Start with going to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the anxiety stress and if there's an ED issue. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Don't allow condoned cheating dressed up as some cool lifestyle. See your doctor and therapist and decide if you want to stay married.

 

[Els]

I don't have any experience with parenting (and I don't know how old your kids are), but I know a married couple with grade-school-age kids who have a great sex life, and they credit almost all of it to having a relative who's happy to babysit for them whenever they want.  Not everyone can be so lucky, but would hiring a babysitter once or twice a week be a possibility?

One thing I can say is that "agreeing to be more intimate" is pointless if you don't actually have a plan for how to address the issues preventing you from wanting to be intimate. It's not just something you can "will" yourself into, and in fact trying to do that will likely make things worse in the long term. Rather, it should mean that you identify the issues (which it seems you already have done) and then brainstorm methods for solving those issues.

Edited April 25, 2022 by Elswyth

[Acacia98]

21 hours ago, Kirby80 said:

I'm a massive worrier and have found myself under a lot of pressure and stress lately due to work and money. 

Let's focus on this for a bit since it seems to be a core issue. What exactly are you worried about? Debt? Job insecurity? Is it something you can talk about in some detail here? Is your wife also worried about the same things? If not, why not? And what can be done to address the issues so that you feel more relaxed and are able to participate more fully in other aspects of your relationship?

And I am curious: how empathetic towards you has your wife generally been over the course of your marriage?

Edited April 26, 2022 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

There's a book called "This Is How Your Marriage Ends". Basically it's all about the chronic unresolved resentments that build up to where you are now.

Your home seems full of chaos and has already built up quite a bit of contempt and resentment.

Where is the father? Why doesn't he have the kids more often? Where's the extended families? Why aren't these kids ever staying at their father's or grandparents or friends homes ?

You're both not making appropriate adult alone time for each other. Morning wood when the kids are running around the house just doesn't cut it. You two need to reignite things but you'll have to both be willing.