A with MM

[DanaJ]

Hi everyone,

I find myself in a difficult situation and I need advice.

I, myself, am single -I guess- but I have been seeing a MM. I have known him for years, but for the past 9 months, things have changed between us. Neither of us planned for this A to happen and each step just felt so innocent and harmless at first but it evolved into a real EA and PA. I broke up with my own spouse in the mean time, because I could not live with myself when betraying him and because I realized that we were both unhappy in this relationship, not because I expected the MM to do the same.

I know for a fact that his W is chronically ill and that he isn't planning to leave her. He has been clear about that. Meaning that I know it will end one day with me, because this can't go on forever. Even though I can see all the red flags, I am head over heals. I know he just gets the best of both worlds, I know I have to be the one that always has to make time, while he never has time for me, I know that for all people, it will end the worst for me, he never even said he loved or missed me. I often don't even know when I will see him again, it's all up to him, right?

Now, it sounds like he isn't a nice person at all, but actually he really is. He helps me if he can, gives me advice and he makes me feel special (I know what all of you probably think about that, same old story right). Even the fact that he wants to stay with his W makes me go 'aaa wowwww he is a really good person'.

When he isn't there, this whole situation just kills me. I know it would be better to leave him, but one of us always seeks contact again. It just hurts knowing that I will be dumped one day and I feel guilty towards his wife. When he is with me, I just feel so happy even if it's just a few hours each weeks. Then, I actually think 'I would rather have just this than nothing at all', I know how pathetic that sounds.

For me, it is really difficult to finish the daily chores I need to do, because I just feel so bad and I miss him so much, not knowing when I might see him again. I could block him, but I will probably still see him occasionally when the companies we work for have business meetings together. Besides, even though I know it would be better to stop this, I don't want it to stop and I don't want to miss what I have. I just don't know how I can stop being so madly in love, so I can get over him and move on. I don't even know what I want to hear, but I hope people can talk sense into me.
 

Edited April 25, 2022 by DanaJ

[glows]

You're separated then from your husband? Was your spouse aware of the affair? MM may be helping you through the breakdown of your marriage if that's what you mean by giving you advice. You know the advice you really need comes from a lawyer and your therapist, not a MM.

You're developing deeper bonds perhaps thinking that he's your only choice to turn to and in the process believing that he's a "really good person". In reality, that's debateable. What he chooses to do in his private life is his business but don't let it overrule the things that you need to do to clean up and finalize the divorce process. 

You may feel in limbo because you're going through a divorce. The dust will settle if you want it to, once it's finalized, and you may find more motivation to leave this MM situation behind. 

Try working out a better daily routine for yourself if you're depending on his texts or calls. You say you miss him so much and I believe that as you're going through a transition at the moment. Losing both the presence of your spouse and MM can seem insurmountable. You need proper legal advice regarding the dissolution of your marriage and a therapist to help you work through the transition during divorce. Speak with your doctor about difficulties concentrating as well and watch out for your sexual health. As you're not in any way involved in a committed relationship, only an MM who could be seeing others without your knowledge, you don't know what you're exposed to. 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

I, myself, am single -I guess- . I broke up with my own spouse in the mean time, because I could not live with myself when betraying him and because I realized that we were both unhappy in this relationship,

Sorry this is happening. Are you legally divorced and living alone ? Did you latch on to him during your divorce?

[BaileyB]

36 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

I don't even know what I want to hear, but I hope people can talk sense into me.

Read your post. You talk good sense - you see all the red flags, you know that he’s not going to leave his wife, and you know that it should end. You don’t need advice, you just need to find the courage and integrity to make a better decision for yourself.

36 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

Even though I know it would be better to stop this, I don't want it to stop and I don't want to miss what I have.

It seems, any advice shared will be a waste of time and energy because you have no intention to end this affair. 

36 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

I feel guilty towards his wife.

Indeed. This really comes across in your post… In between all the gushing about how dreamy your MM is and how he is such a wonderful person. 

36 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

When he is with me, I just feel so happy even if it's just a few hours each weeks. Then, I actually think 'I would rather have just this than nothing at all', I know how pathetic that sounds.

For now. This feeling can not and will not last with the passage of time. It will become more and more difficult to ignore the fact that the man you love goes home every night to his wife, leaving you alone, and wanting more. 

Good luck to you. You are going to need it. Your head is still high up in the clouds, you can’t even see ground anymore. It’s going to be a hard, hard landing when you eventually come down. 

Edited April 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[DanaJ]

1 minute ago, glows said:

You're separated then from your husband? Was your spouse aware of the affair? MM may be helping you through the breakdown of your marriage if that's what you mean by giving you advice. You know the advice you really need comes from a lawyer and your therapist, not a MM.

You're developing deeper bonds perhaps thinking that he's your only choice to turn to and in the process believing that he's a "really good person". In reality, that's debateable. What he chooses to do in his private life is his business but don't let it overrule the things that you need to do to clean up and finalize the divorce process. 

You may feel in limbo because you're going through a divorce. The dust will settle if you want it to, once it's finalized, and you may find more motivation to leave this MM situation behind. 

Try working out a better daily routine for yourself if you're depending on his texts or calls. You say you miss him so much and I believe that as you're going through a transition at the moment. Losing both the presence of your spouse and MM can seem insurmountable. You need proper legal advice regarding the dissolution of your marriage and a therapist to help you work through the transition during divorce. Speak with your doctor about difficulties concentrating as well and watch out for your sexual health. As you're not in any way involved in a committed relationship, only an MM who could be seeing others without your knowledge, you don't know what you're exposed to. 

I separated from my boyfriend, yes. We had been together for years. However, the last few years, we had multiple conversations about our relationship. We were both unhappy and tried to fix it, but it only got worse and worse. We lived together as brothers and sisters. Even now, we are still friends, but we both agree that we are better as friends than as a couple. He knows about the A, but he isn't angry or anything.

I need advice on how to get over this MM, because I feel like I am ruining my own life, his life and his wife's life.

Me and the MM don't text or call either. Only to pick a date to meet up. I also don't have a therapist, but I am on a waiting list and it will take another 6 weeks at least.

[DanaJ]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Good luck to you. You are going to need it. Your head is still high up in the clouds, you can’t even see ground anymore. It’s going to be a hard, hard landing when you eventually come down. 

No, I know that this needs to end. I just don't know how. He is all I think about. It hurts me all day, ever day. I truly don't know how to get rid of him, while I love him so much. Yet, he probably doesn't even care about me. How do you go for NC or ignore the person you love? I just don't know how to connect the what I want with the what I need to do. 

[DanaJ]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you legally divorced and living alone ? Did you latch on to him during your divorce?

Thank you. I am living alone and I was never married (I only had a BF). No, it started before I seperated with my ex. I am still friends with my ex and he knows about the A. We broke up, because for years we tried to fix our relationship, but we lived as brothers and sisters, both couldn't take it anymore and when the A came in, it just felt like a sign that our relationship was never going to work again. My ex and I are both happy to be friends. It's better like that.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

I feel like I am ruining my own life, his life and his wife's life.

Only take responsibility for your own life and what you hope for yourself. He is responsible for his cheating, doing that to his wife and "ruining" their lives.

The only life you are adversely affecting is yours. His life is undisrupted from this.

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

He is all I think about. It hurts me all day, ever day. I truly don't know how to get rid of him, while I love him so much. Yet, he probably doesn't even care about me.

This isn’t love. This is obsession. It’s unhealthy. 

It’s certainly not love. A man who loves you wouldn’t use you in this way. What you are feeling is infatuation. Not love.

What do you do - no contact. And then, make yourself busy. Counselling would be a great start, as it sounds like you have chosen for yourself not only one but two unfulfilling and unhealthy relationships. Go for a walk. Do some yoga. Learn to knit. Join a meetup group. Join a sports team. Spend time with friends and family. Ask your friends if they know any nice, single men…

Quote

How do you go for NC or ignore the person you love?

Quite simply, you love yourself more. 

The quality of our lives is directly related to the decisions we make. Chose wisely! 

Edited April 25, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

If you really want the affair to end tell his wife.  That usually brings the affair to an end.

[glows]

6 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

No, I know that this needs to end. I just don't know how. He is all I think about. It hurts me all day, ever day. I truly don't know how to get rid of him, while I love him so much. Yet, he probably doesn't even care about me. How do you go for NC or ignore the person you love? I just don't know how to connect the what I want with the what I need to do. 

I just posted something here in another thread that might help. You'll have to change the way you think of yourself and how you cope and then break those habits. Start small and expect less and less out of this relationship. The issue is that you've gotten used to a certain dynamic and there were routines you were used to. 

 

[DanaJ]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This isn’t love. This is obsession. It’s unhealthy. 

It’s certainly not love. A man who loves you wouldn’t use you in this way. What you are feeling is infatuation. Not love.

What do you do - no contact. And then, make yourself busy. Counselling would be a great start, as it sounds like you have chosen for yourself not only one but two unfulfilling and unhealthy relationships. Go for a walk. Do some yoga. Learn to knit. Join a meetup group. Join a sports team. Spend time with friends and family. Ask your friends if they know any nice, single men…

The quality of our lives is directly related to the decisions we make. Chose wisely! 

I think it's like that, because it's all I have. Like I said, it's all up to him always: when he has time for me. What do I know, he could tell me it could be over any time. I am just scared to lose it, even though it is better that way.

I am sorry, in my language it's all the same word: love/infatuation, i didn't realise there was a difference in English.

Thanks. I don't have a family anymore. Men are always interested in me, but for some reason I just don'''t see anything in them. I actaully just want to be single for a while. I try to distract myself with my hobbies, work and friends though.

I try to chose wisely, but I always end up in big messes

[DanaJ]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

I just posted something here in another thread that might help. You'll have to change the way you think of yourself and how you cope and then break those habits. Start small and expect less and less out of this relationship. The issue is that you've gotten used to a certain dynamic and there were routines you were used to. 

 

Thank you, I appreciate it. I will read it. I don't expect anything out of this relationship and I know I shouldn't, but for some reason it is so hard.

[DanaJ]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you really want the affair to end tell his wife.  That usually brings the affair to an end.

I feel like that is not up to me, but up to him and his wife? Or am I seeing this wrong?

[glows]

1 minute ago, DanaJ said:

Thank you, I appreciate it. I will read it. I don't expect anything out of this relationship and I know I shouldn't, but for some reason it is so hard.

It's hard when you're going through it and gets easier in time when you don't need that interaction anymore. 

[DanaJ]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Only take responsibility for your own life and what you hope for yourself. He is responsible for his cheating, doing that to his wife and "ruining" their lives.

The only life you are adversely affecting is yours. His life is undisrupted from this.

Thank you. I think you are right. But if I stop this A, it will not only improve my life, but probably also theirs, maybe that is good motivation for me too. I just need to find a way to do it.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

I feel like that is not up to me, but up to him and his wife? Or am I seeing this wrong?

Well you are interferring in their marriage so you are a part of it at this point.  When she finds out she may look for you anyway.

[DanaJ]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

It's hard when you're going through it and gets easier in time when you don't need that interaction anymore. 

Thanks, I also read your advice on the other post. I will try the small steps. Luckily we hardly talk on the phone. Next week, I will fo abroad for 3 weeks for my job. Hopefully that also distracts me and gives me another perspective on the situation. At the moment, the situation is only ideal for him, getting what he wants when he wants.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

Thanks, I also read your advice on the other post. I will try the small steps. Luckily we hardly talk on the phone. Next week, I will fo abroad for 3 weeks for my job. Hopefully that also distracts me and gives me another perspective on the situation. At the moment, the situation is only ideal for him, getting what he wants when he wants.

I agree and how sustainable is that in the long term? When you're abroad for work throw yourself into work and make plans with your colleagues to do other activities and see the area, visit some places. Use that time to reset.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

 I actaully just want to be single for a while.

Exactly. That's why someone unavailable is appealing to you right now. Also you want to stay friends with your ex, so in a way you have 2 half-men/2half-relationships trying to make a whole one out of it.

[DanaJ]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

I agree and how sustainable is that in the long term? When you're abroad for work throw yourself into work and make plans with your colleagues to do other activities and see the area, visit some places. Use that time to reset.

Thank you, you are right. This is not sustainable at all. I really just needed to hear other peoples perspectives on my personal story instead of just a random similar story on the internet. I can't talk about it with friends or family, so it felt quite lonely for the past 9 months to keep this for myself. But I guess you all made me realise more sereiously that this needs to end and I should work harder towards that goal. I will have a great time abroad I think. It will probably also make it easier (or maybe also painful) that we don't talk over the phone, meaning that we will have NC for those weeks and I can hopefully focus on the stuff that really matters (work, fun, sightseeing)

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

Luckily we hardly talk on the phone.

Do you just meet for sex? At a time that is agreeable for him?

[glows]

23 minutes ago, DanaJ said:

Thank you, you are right. This is not sustainable at all. I really just needed to hear other peoples perspectives on my personal story instead of just a random similar story on the internet. I can't talk about it with friends or family, so it felt quite lonely for the past 9 months to keep this for myself. But I guess you all made me realise more sereiously that this needs to end and I should work harder towards that goal. I will have a great time abroad I think. It will probably also make it easier (or maybe also painful) that we don't talk over the phone, meaning that we will have NC for those weeks and I can hopefully focus on the stuff that really matters (work, fun, sightseeing)

It'll be what you make of it so try your best to avoid any contact and when you return home have a loose plan in place for how you want to change your routines. If you start up in the morning doing something that causes you to miss him, don't do the same things. I've found the quickest way over someone is in working on myself, the toughest times were when I was alone at night because thoughts may be deafening in the silence. Challenge yourself to try new things, enroll in courses to upgrade your skills, fix things around the house. The greater the challenge or project the better I felt. Your life doesn't stop here with this relationship. Keep on trying new things that add to your life and boost you or motivate you to do more. 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, DanaJ said:

No, I know that this needs to end. I just don't know how. He is all I think about. It hurts me all day, ever day. I truly don't know how to get rid of him, while I love him so much. Yet, he probably doesn't even care about me. How do you go for NC or ignore the person you love? I just don't know how to connect the what I want with the what I need to do. 

 

Right - the simple thing to do is to go NC - not communicate, block him, and if he tries to re-establish things, tell him directly to stop contacting you. Resolve to focus on moving on with your life, which starts with emotionally "recovering" and then, when ready, looking for a new and presumably better relationship.

"Simple" is not the same thing as easy, esp. when it comes to romantic relationships. However, the actual actions to take are indeed straightforward, particularly since he is not integrated into your life (e.g. roommates, shared expenses) the way a "full" LT BF might be.

WRT to the obsessive thoughts, you may have limerence - a bona fide altered state of consciousness with some similarities to addiction as well as to OCD. I suspect it is intensified by dysfunctional "can't have" situations, such as affairs among other things. You may wish to research this a bit at the link below.

Keep in mind that limerence does eventually fade, it just takes longer than we'd like (typically months to a couple of years) as it fading fully actually requires neural changes. FULL no-contact may help it to fade more quickly, particularly if you can somehow make it actually essentially impossible to see him again.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

Edited April 25, 2022 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

Consider this OP - the hard thing is often the right thing to do.