Give her another chance or move on? How do I make this horrible decision :

[agonyandirony]

I [33M] met this girl [36F] online. She is from Canada, I am from Scotland. We really clicked and before long we were talking all the time. I had never been so attracted to someone physically, spiritually, emotionally - she was nothing short of perfect, and she felt the same about me. After a year of talking I took a career break and moved out to be with her. Those first few months with her were some of the happiest of my life. I know ‘soulmate’ gets thrown about a lot, but after a while that’s really what she felt like - she got me in a way nobody else did, and I adored everything about her. She has had such a profound impact on my life in so many different ways.

However, after a few months she slid into a major depression that got worse and worse. It stemmed from some reminders of the abuse she experienced as a child, and snowballed into something horrific. Her life unravelled. She quit her job, alienated family and friends, below all her money, quit all her activities, stopped taking care of herself…basically became a shell of a person she was. Because I had gone ‘all in’ to be with her, I was essentially trapped with her. While we had some nice times, she herself would admit that she treated me terribly in the process. Said horrible things, used all sorts of guilt and emotional manipulation, while I got more and more stressed trying to make things work. Again, we had some nice times together when things weren’t so bad with her, but on the whole it was bad. I don’t need to get into the details. Eventually due to visa limitations (after a year or so) I had to leave, but I visited her numerous times, and did my best to keep her happy and the relationship going, while my own mental health deteriorated due to the stress and misery of it. There’s no way I should have stayed but I think a mixture of codependency, and not willing to let go of the person (‘soulmate’) and happiness I knew, kept me there.

Long story short, I eventually had to move back to Scotland altogether, completely broke. I began rebuilding my life, and things with her did not really improve. We fought a lot as I guess my stress and resentment levels built to the point that I wasn’t tolerating what I felt to be unreasonable behaviour. In one particularly bad fight she broke up with me. Then COVID hit. We’ve had a weird thing going on - periods where we argue a lot, periods where we don’t speak at all, and periods where things are nice and seem to be reminiscent of the good times that I miss so much.

Which brings me to the present-ish. Lockdown has ended and things have improved drastically on the COVID front. I have not even seen this girl for 3 years, and I would say a majority of the time since we parted we have been on bad terms - to varying degrees. We are technically broken up, though there have been times throughout the 3 years when things have been nice, and we have expressed feelings of loving and missing the other person. About 6 months ago, when I started going out again (during a period me and my ex weren’t even talking) I met local girls. After 3 years of being alone, it felt great to be honest and dating has been fun and exciting, even though there is a part of me that still misses my ex (I haven’t found anything close to what I had when things were good with her).

However, in parallel to me dating, my ex and I began talking again. The conversations have been much nicer. She has been claiming that she is doing so much better - that she’s addressed a lot of her mental/emotional health issues. She apologised for the way she treated me and has pointed to various markers that she is much healthier - got a job, saved money, therapy etc etc. It’s been promising, but I’m also very scared about re-committing to her - going back to being alone long-distance again after so long, and considering the immense stress and misery I was subjected to before. I’ve tried communicating this to her and she gets it to some extent. However she’s also not happy that I’ve been talking to other girls and is essentially framing this as though she is back to her old self, things between us were rekindling and it is me that is throwing our relationship off track.

This is messing me up. When she was horrible to me it was somewhat easy (though still difficult) for me to turn away and accept that I should move onto others. But she is showing signs of being the girl I knew at the beginning, who I was so happy and in love with. For so long all I wanted was for her to go back to being that person and she is really playing to that longing I’ve had. The thought that it is me, not her, that is the cause of what was a dream relationship (for a while) not progressing is quite upsetting to me. I feel so guilty and confused.

I really feel like I can’t go ‘all in’ with this girl again after everything that’s happened. But I also feel if I continue dating other girls it will close the door on my ex permanently, and my love for her and what we have had during the good times makes the thought of that unbearable. I feel like I need to choose otherwise someones going to get hurt. How on earth do I make this decision?

Thank you so much. 

[glows]

When I was faced with a choice like that I ended up leaning towards past history proving future behaviours and it was correct in my circumstances.

As you both didn't start off in the same country you really have a lot of hurdles before you. It's easier, in my opinion, for her to continue keeping that door open and entertaining the idea of dating you if she's expecting you to move again. It's a low risk investment for her, high for you. 

I think your biggest mistake so far in healing is keeping that door open, speaking with your ex, while trying to date new women. You've shot your foot in that aspect and self-sabotaged any ability to truly move forward.

[Wiseman2]

Are you living in the same country now?

[agonyandirony]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you living in the same country now?

We aren't no. I obviously wouldn't quite my job and move out to be with her again before I was sure of anything. 

14 minutes ago, glows said:

When I was faced with a choice like that I ended up leaning towards past history proving future behaviours and it was correct in my circumstances.

As you both didn't start off in the same country you really have a lot of hurdles before you. It's easier, in my opinion, for her to continue keeping that door open and entertaining the idea of dating you if she's expecting you to move again. It's a low risk investment for her, high for you. 

I think your biggest mistake so far in healing is keeping that door open, speaking with your ex, while trying to date new women. You've shot your foot in that aspect and self-sabotaged any ability to truly move forward.

As in you weren't convinced that your ex really changed and that proved to be correct? I'm sure you felt highly conflicted at the time no? What we had was so incredibly special, that's what makes the thought of losing that forever so daunting. I really should have cut all ties off with her when things were terrible. It was a clear, clean and obvious narrative. By speaking to her again, and listening to her tell me how much better she is, it's made things confusing for me.  I have shot myself in the foot

[glows]

1 minute ago, agonyandirony said:

We aren't no. I obviously wouldn't quite my job and move out to be with her again before I was sure of anything. 

As in you weren't convinced that your ex really changed and that proved to be correct? I'm sure you felt highly conflicted at the time no? What we had was so incredibly special, that's what makes the thought of losing that forever so daunting. I really should have cut all ties off with her when things were terrible. It was a clear, clean and obvious narrative. By speaking to her again, and listening to her tell me how much better she is, it's made things confusing for me.  I have shot myself in the foot

As you remain in separate countries, I don't think it's a good idea to continue speaking with her. She may not know or be able to understand the full scope of what moving actually involves because she was so focused on herself and her issues back then.

I'd find it very questionable why a person would expect another to move like this or give up his/her security for romance. That's a gray area there, very risky and unless you're both secure financially and have the ability to reverse any moves or undue hardship easily, this was never really an option. It was difficult for you to move back to Scotland and you did so "completely broke".

There are long distance couples who come around to these parts of the forum asking for advice on whether they should move. I always suggest strongly that both parties move on their own terms, not solely for love. Never to feel trapped and always with enough savings or means to reverse any decisions should it not work out. There needs to be much more keeping you there in that country. If it's in Canada, consider whether you want to move to Canada for its opportunities and lifestyle. It's not all and only about her. 

Whether you continue considering her a viable option for romance is up to you but I personally wouldn't consider her an option if you are unable to do the above things I mentioned or find reasons to be in Canada aside from the relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

The very present risk far outweighs the potential reward here. 

As such, I would not try again with her. You stand to lose too much. It's great that she's  made improvements but I think it's way too late for that to the grounds for reconciliation especially considering the logistical nightmare of it all. 

I would wish her the best and really cut all ties. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

We aren't no.

Stop and reflect why you would even want a long distance relationship with someone it never worked out with the first time.

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps for good. There's no reason to re-enter this just because she contacted you claiming she changed. 

That's the only way to move forward and be happy in a real life real time relationship. 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses.  Why be tethered to electronics when you could have a satisfying real life real relationship?

Also get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local interested women.

Try not to mistake confusing for interesting. Or intensity for intimacy.

Focus on what is best for your happiness.

Edited April 26, 2022 by Wiseman2