Would I be wrong for dumping boyfriend over not giving me a massage?

[Minajtfvkug]

So I'm (23F) sat on my sofa kinda weepy and sad right now. It was my birthday today and I wasn't expecting a card or present from my (28M) boyfriend because we went out for a birthday meal yesterday, however i did ask if I could have a back massage because that's something inexpensive and free and would make me feel cared for. He said he's too tired and went to sleep. I just feel s*** because I would do it for him, especially if it was his birthday.

I probably sound like a high maintenance Karen, my parents have a tense and passionate relationship sometimes so compared to them mine and my boyfriends relationship is quite calm and comforting. I feel safe with him and I love him but I'm worried he can't give me the love I deserve. We've been together 5 years and the first year I kicked off because he didn't get me a card, since then he tried harder but today nothing.

I'm considering cutting my losses and starting fresh, hopefully finding someone who can give me the love I deserve and put in a bit more effort. But also who do I think I am? Maybe I'm nothing special to bother about idk, let me know your thoughts. 

Edited April 25, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language in title

[glows]

His response seems uncaring although I can see from his POV also if he was feeling tired. Why was he tired? Did he just come home from work? 

What kind of love do you feel you deserve? Do you know or are you trying to emulate what your parents share?

Edited April 25, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Minajtfvkug said:

I'm worried he can't give me the love I deserve. We've been together 5 years and the first year I kicked off because he didn't get me a card, since then he tried harder but today nothing .I'm considering cutting my losses and starting fresh, hopefully finding someone who can give me the love I deserve.

You've been together for too long and when you were too young.

It's unclear what exactly "you deserve" but you seem unhappy and just coasting along out of security and habit.

[Minajtfvkug]

23 minutes ago, Minajtfvkug said:

So I'm (23F) sat on my sofa kinda weepy and sad right now. It was my birthday today and I wasn't expecting a card or present from my (28M) boyfriend because we went out for a birthday meal yesterday, however i did ask if I could have a back massage because that's something inexpensive and free and would make me feel cared for. He said he's too tired and went to sleep. I just feel s*** because I would do it for him, especially if it was his birthday.

I probably sound like a high maintenance Karen, my parents have a tense and passionate relationship sometimes so compared to them mine and my boyfriends relationship is quite calm and comforting. I feel safe with him and I love him but I'm worried he can't give me the love I deserve. We've been together 5 years and the first year I kicked off because he didn't get me a card, since then he tried harder but today nothing.

I'm considering cutting my losses and starting fresh, hopefully finding someone who can give me the love I deserve and put in a bit more effort. But also who do I think I am? Maybe I'm nothing special to bother about idk, let me know your thoughts. 

 

12 minutes ago, glows said:

His response seems uncaring although I can see from his POV also if he was feeling tired. Why was he tired? Did he just come home from work? 

What kind of love do you feel you deserve? Do you know or are you trying to emulate what your parents share?

Hey, thanks for your response. 

He has been working from home on his computer so mentally drained but not physically drained I guess. 

I feel I deserve more than he's giving me, I don't want a relationship like my parents but an inbetween would be good I think? Passionate enough to care but not passionate enough to hurt me, does that make sense haha 

[glows]

Just now, Minajtfvkug said:

 

Hey, thanks for your response. 

He has been working from home on his computer so mentally drained but not physically drained I guess. 

I feel I deserve more than he's giving me, I don't want a relationship like my parents but an inbetween would be good I think? Passionate enough to care but not passionate enough to hurt me, does that make sense haha 

It's possible you swung far towards the other end if you felt your parents' relationship was too extreme. You've mentioned "safe" "calm" "comforting" but also self-described as high maintenance. You both might not be compatible so this is trial and error while dating. You were only 18 when you started dating him. Do you also put in a lot of effort into the relationship? Does he appreciate you?

[Minajtfvkug]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

It's possible you swung far towards the other end if you felt your parents' relationship was too extreme. You've mentioned "safe" "calm" "comforting" but also self-described as high maintenance. You both might not be compatible so this is trial and error while dating. You were only 18 when you started dating him. Do you also put in a lot of effort into the relationship? Does he appreciate you?

I feel like I put a lot of time, emotional effort and financial resources into our relationship - we live together so I'm scared of if I'll be able to make it on my own if we break up, but scared of staying and him just steadily putting less and less effort in. Sometimes he's lovely, it's such a shame and if we break up it feels like I've wasted time... 

[glows]

11 minutes ago, Minajtfvkug said:

I feel like I put a lot of time, emotional effort and financial resources into our relationship - we live together so I'm scared of if I'll be able to make it on my own if we break up, but scared of staying and him just steadily putting less and less effort in. Sometimes he's lovely, it's such a shame and if we break up it feels like I've wasted time... 

Wasted time as in finding someone to marry? I ask as you may be hinting at something here worth considering. You seem unhappy so it's uncertain whether you'd be happy with your boyfriend in a marriage. It takes a lot of involvement by both parties to stay decently happy in a marriage and there would be more at stake (time, emotions and financial resources).

[ExpatInItaly]

It's clear that a foot massage would not be the reason you break up, but a catalyst for other dealbreaking problems. 

You two got together very young and it sounds like you're outgrowing the relationship and aren't happy anymore. You have a big decision in front of you, but it appears to me that your heart already knows what you want - and it's more than he will offer you. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Minajtfvkug said:

 - we live together so I'm scared of if I'll be able to make it on my own if we break up, 

Sorry to hear that. You're in a relationship of convenience. That's why you're unhappy and take each other for granted.

Do you work? Go to school? Invest in yourself and your future. Playing house is going nowhere except sharing expenses and stuck in domestic drugery.

This isn't about massages. It's about incompatibilities and staying out of fear and habit.

You're resentment is already growing. It's just going to get worse and the solution is not birthday presents. That's just a symptom of much bigger issues you don't want to address.

[basil67]

Regarding being scared as to whether or not you'll make it on your own indicates that he is providing you with something you need.   So perhaps he's not a complete waste of space?

[deepthinking]

It was just a one-off. If he kept it up, then I would be concerned. 

[mtnbiker3000]

Have you been crystal clear with each other about needs in the RS? If not, you are engaged in a covert contract and he may have no idea how important that specific thing is to you!

[dramafreezone]

19 hours ago, Minajtfvkug said:

So I'm (23F) sat on my sofa kinda weepy and sad right now. It was my birthday today and I wasn't expecting a card or present from my (28M) boyfriend because we went out for a birthday meal yesterday, however i did ask if I could have a back massage because that's something inexpensive and free and would make me feel cared for. He said he's too tired and went to sleep. I just feel s*** because I would do it for him, especially if it was his birthday.

I probably sound like a high maintenance Karen, my parents have a tense and passionate relationship sometimes so compared to them mine and my boyfriends relationship is quite calm and comforting. I feel safe with him and I love him but I'm worried he can't give me the love I deserve. We've been together 5 years and the first year I kicked off because he didn't get me a card, since then he tried harder but today nothing.

I'm considering cutting my losses and starting fresh, hopefully finding someone who can give me the love I deserve and put in a bit more effort. But also who do I think I am? Maybe I'm nothing special to bother about idk, let me know your thoughts. 

Well I believe that there's such a thing as the straw that broke the camel's back.  The issue isn't the back massage, it's apparently the other small issues (or the other hundred straws) that existed prior to this.

5 years is a long time but sometimes relationships run their course.  Why not just have a frank conversation with him relaying your concerns and getting his feedback before you make a unilateral decision to end things after such a long time?   Instead of *just* talking about what he can do better, you should also talk about what you can do better because I'm sure there are things you can improve upon. Maybe he's feeling the same way but you won't know unless you find out.  And don't compare your relationship to your parents (or any other relationship).  That's a recipe for disappointment because you will always be seeing something your relationship lacks, when the reality is those relationships are not perfect and are lacking things as well.

Edited April 26, 2022 by dramafreezone

[mark clemson]

If you really want to dump him, then dump him. It sounds to me like you'd prefer not to.

Relationships ultimately amount to a decision to continue them. However, relationships will only be HAPPY ONES for BOTH partners if both partners feel they are having their needs reasonably met. In your case it sounds like SOME of your needs aren't being met, but many are. I think a good strategy would be to consistently communicate your needs to him. IF he really genuinely and for certain knows what will make you happy and STILL won't bother to do it, then indeed he is being too lazy and that dumping decision should probably be revisited.

Make it clear what you need and insist that your needs be reasonably met. (A birthday backrub sounds completely reasonable to me.) If it's STILL not happening after the effort of genuine, sustained communication, IMO it's probably not going to work long term.

"Taking your partner for granted" is indeed one of many possible long term pitfalls in a relationship.

Edited April 26, 2022 by mark clemson

[mtnbiker3000]

Think about it this way too. If, for whatever reason, he did not want to or wasn't able to, then it is better that he didn't, rather then do it only because he knew you wanted it. Partners should promise each other never to say "yes" when they are unwilling or are unable to do something. This leads to resentment and is extremely toxic. You don't necessarily have to say "no", but rather seek clarification, explore all of the options, dig deeper on the subject or agree on a comprimise that works for both.

[ShyViolet]

This isn't all about the issue of a simple massage.  It sounds like he makes you feel like he doesn't care that much about you, in a deep and hurtful way.  You wouldn't be considering breaking up with him if all that happened was he didn't give you one massage.  He sounds cold and like he puts little effort into the relationship.  You are 100% justified in ending the relationship for any reason.  You don't need anyone else's approval, not even his.  If he makes you feel uncared for, then end it.  If this relationship leaves you feeling like you deserve better, then you do.