Unexpected sadness after seeing MM

[Vivalavi]

I don't want to write again what most of you already know from my previous threat. What I want to write is more like a journal entry before I lose my mind.

I saw MM this afternoon. After weeks of no see, I got about 15 minutes of his life to myself. When I left,  I felt very strange, but it really hit me a few hours later. I've never felt such  sadness after meeting him as today, together with regret, emptiness, and feeling cheap. I realized I'll never be more than 15 minutes once a month somewhere in the woods. I'll never will be someone that gets more than a luxury of his car backseat. I'll never will be someone valuable to him. 

I cried  thinking about it all. It hurts badly and it is all my fault. I wanted to see him so bad and for what really? I feel so pathetic.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

What I want to write is more like a journal entry before I lose my mind.

Go ahead of it will help.  

[Wiseman2]

Do you still work together? Did he and his wife have their child yet?

It's sad running into an old flame especially when they're happy and you're still going home to an unhappy situation. That may be the best place to start.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

It's sad running into an old flame especially when they're happy and you're still going home to an unhappy situation. That may be the best place to start.

Um, I don't think she ran into him but they hooked up.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I'll never will be someone that gets more than a luxury of his car backseat.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. be frank about the hookups and your bad marriage. Is there something exciting about doing it in a public place? What's the real reason you're doing this?

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What's the real reason you're doing this?

Because he's too cheap and uncaring to spring for a hotel room.

[BaileyB]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What's the real reason you're doing this?

Because she continues to seek happiness and validation from a former affair partner.

It’s like going back to the well again and again with the expectation that there will be water, only to discover - it’s still dry. 

 

[Will am I]

13 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I don't want to write again what most of you already know from my previous threat. What I want to write is more like a journal entry before I lose my mind.

I saw MM this afternoon. After weeks of no see, I got about 15 minutes of his life to myself. When I left,  I felt very strange, but it really hit me a few hours later. I've never felt such  sadness after meeting him as today, together with regret, emptiness, and feeling cheap. I realized I'll never be more than 15 minutes once a month somewhere in the woods. I'll never will be someone that gets more than a luxury of his car backseat. I'll never will be someone valuable to him. 

I cried  thinking about it all. It hurts badly and it is all my fault. I wanted to see him so bad and for what really? I feel so pathetic.

What's nice about an affair is how it can lift and boost your feelings -- there's nothing quite like being in love. What's not so nice about an affair is just about everything else. The moral concerns, the stress, the fear of getting caught, the fact that it's taking away time in which you could be building something better. The list goes on. But the pleasant feelings of being in love can be so strong.

I find it totally understandable that these strong feelings keep you in the affair. It took all my will power and self control to end my EA, and that was "only" online and didn''t last very long.

 

In your case it seems simple. Your affair with MM does not seem to lift your feelings anymore. The good pars are gone, the bad parts remain. It's clear to me that you need so much more of his time and attention to balance out the amount of emotional investment you have made. That this affair is reducing you to tears.

I think you should break up because this does not seem to be turning around. I think you know it too, but need to read it coming from others.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Starswillshine]

Viv,

I think you are starting to get to the point that you realize that only he is getting something out of this, and it feels that maybe you are feeling used. Though really sad, this is a good point to be in because you will start to turn the corner. At some point, you will experience indignation. "How dare he treat me like this." And little by little, you will refuse to allow him to get something good out of you. 

I know we are from different sides of this affair triangle (I was the BS), but, I think BS and OW have a lot in common. I felt this with my now ex-husband when we were trying to reconcile. And it just festered more and more. I felt pathetic, cheap, and used. Then I felt pissed. How dare he? I hope you are on the road to this... because once you leave this whole relationship beyond you, doors WILL open for you! Right now, you are closing them off to pursue this dead end street. 

[Vivalavi]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you still work together? Did he and his wife have their child yet?

It's sad running into an old flame especially when they're happy and you're still going home to an unhappy situation. That may be the best place to start.

We work together occasionally. I worked with him last 6-7 weeks ago for two days. They had a baby back in February. He did not text as much back then but never really stopped being in touch. Recently, he started his usual dirty texting with dirty pics and so on. That all after saying how bad he felt about what we are doing. So  I'm not sure how happy he is.

[Vivalavi]

5 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Viv,

I think you are starting to get to the point that you realize that only he is getting something out of this, and it feels that maybe you are feeling used. Though really sad, this is a good point to be in because you will start to turn the corner. At some point, you will experience indignation. "How dare he treat me like this." And little by little, you will refuse to allow him to get something good out of you. 

I know we are from different sides of this affair triangle (I was the BS), but, I think BS and OW have a lot in common. I felt this with my now ex-husband when we were trying to reconcile. And it just festered more and more. I felt pathetic, cheap, and used. Then I felt pissed. How dare he? I hope you are on the road to this... because once you leave this whole relationship beyond you, doors WILL open for you! Right now, you are closing them off to pursue this dead end street. 

You are right. I'm very close to texting him that I can't do this anymore. I noticed he texts more when he feels bad about himself and perhaps not getting attention at home. It gets me because no matter what I'm the same with him all the time. I don't ignore his messages half a day. I am busy too but I do make time for him. 

Yesterday, it was very first time I got so upset after seeing him. I was so disappointed that I waited weeks for 15 minutes of what?! Bunch of kisses which I love and then 20 seconds that only benefited him as so many times before. When we were hugging goodbye I said that feels so good. His response was - at least something I'm good at. 

Before meeting up, he was texting a lot. Now, I don't hear from him much. I just feel completely fooled and used. 

[healing light]

2 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I noticed he texts more when he feels bad about himself and perhaps not getting attention at home.

 

Can you imagine being a few months out from the birth of your child and walking about with your dick out because you feel like you should be getting more attention? This speaks volumes about how selfish this man is. 

4 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

and then 20 seconds that only benefited him as so many times before.

 

And this only reiterates that his needs come first, literally. 

5 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

Before meeting up, he was texting a lot. Now, I don't hear from him much.

He blew his load, so now he's good. 

 

Sorry to be crass, I just figured this could help you see that you deserve a lot better than 15 minutes in the back of a shed or wherever it is he is taking you. And while I know it doesn't feel like it, be grateful you aren't tied to this man like his wife is; sounds like she may be raising 2 children.

[Vivalavi]

4 minutes ago, healing light said:

Can you imagine being a few months out from the birth of your child and walking about with your dick out because you feel like you should be getting more attention? This speaks volumes about how selfish this man is. 

And this only reiterates that his needs come first, literally. 

He blew his load, so now he's good. 

 

Sorry to be crass, I just figured this could help you see that you deserve a lot better than 15 minutes in the back of a shed or wherever it is he is taking you. And while I know it doesn't feel like it, be grateful you aren't tied to this man like his wife is; sounds like she may be raising 2 children.

I know you mean it well! It all makes sense but once your heart is involved it's hard to let go. They have now two kids together.  He calls his baby a little turd. I suppose that's in some loving kinda way.

[healing light]

Oh, I'm glad to see you took my post in the light I meant it! I was worried it would sound too mean.

You definitely deserve better and I'm sorry for what you're going through. I understand the difficulty in letting go, I always have a hard time getting in touch with righteous anger as I tend to stay in sadness and thus it's more difficult to establish boundaries. If you're able to take a step back and break down what exactly is going on in these exchanges, it will help you get to that place where you can put your foot down.

The good news is that after you move past the decisive tipping point, you won't have to deal with his bs for presumably another 18 years until the children are grown. Even if he left his wife tomorrow, got down on one knee, and decided to start a life with you, there would be a part of you that knows you can't fully trust him. And since his interludes are so short, how would you ever know he wasn't doing this with someone else?

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

His response was - at least something I'm good at. 

This is him feeling sorry for himself because of something his wife said that made him feel bad.  He showed her by calling you and getting sex.  As you can see it didn't make him feel any better about himself.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

His response was - at least something I'm good at. 

This is him wanting you to stoke one more thing on the way out the door - his ego. 

[healing light]

50 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is him feeling sorry for himself because of something his wife said that made him feel bad.  He showed her by calling you and getting sex.  As you can see it didn't make him feel any better about himself.

That's exactly how I felt this line. Like, oh, poor me, my wife criticizes me. It deflects the affection OP is giving him while also kind of playing the victim like he is in such need of validation or positive affirmation.

Edited April 27, 2022 by healing light

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

Bunch of kisses which I love and then 20 seconds that only benefited him

So on top of it all, he's bad at sex. 

 

[Will am I]

9 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I know you mean it well! It all makes sense but once your heart is involved it's hard to let go. They have now two kids together.  He calls his baby a little turd. I suppose that's in some loving kinda way.

Let me look at the situation from a distance:

* MM is undermining his marriage and family by engaging in an affair;

* hurting his wife;

* hurting you, because you’re not getting enough of his time, attention and devotion;

* and even he doesn’t seem to benefit from it, because the thing just moves in circles without any visible upward trend in his self esteem.

Let me ignore the moral issues (I’m in no position to judge you on that)…

But it’s so crystal clear that there are no winners in your triangle. 

[Vivalavi]

4 hours ago, Will am I said:

Let me look at the situation from a distance:

* MM is undermining his marriage and family by engaging in an affair;

* hurting his wife;

* hurting you, because you’re not getting enough of his time, attention and devotion;

* and even he doesn’t seem to benefit from it, because the thing just moves in circles without any visible upward trend in his self esteem.

Let me ignore the moral issues (I’m in no position to judge you on that)…

But it’s so crystal clear that there are no winners in your triangle. 

I would agree with everything except that MM isn't benefiting from this. His ego has been stroked by me every since we have met. Genuinely though. His response would be anywhere from thank you, no one ever told me that, maybe to you, etc. 

We had a little talk yesterday when I mentioned he seemed distracted and as if he didn't want to meet me the other day. He said that he was distracted, that his mind was running thousand miles per hour. He said he hates I feel that way because he wants to see me and would see me often if he could. He said he is busy with kids, work, trying to keep his wife happy, himself happy and by taking care of his mom. 

[Vivalavi]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So on top of it all, he's bad at sex. 

 

It is not bad, but he never lasts more than 30 seconds first time. I'm looking at it as a compliment and it doesn't really bother me. He tries to please me when we have time.  But he could be gentler with touching here and there.

[Vivalavi]

11 hours ago, healing light said:

That's exactly how I felt this line. Like, oh, poor me, my wife criticizes me. It deflects the affection OP is giving him while also kind of playing the victim like he is in such need of validation or positive affirmation.

He told me not that long time ago how he feels he looks rough. That he never thinks highly of himself. 

[Vivalavi]

11 hours ago, BaileyB said:

This is him wanting you to stoke one more thing on the way out the door - his ego. 

Is there a possibility that he just said it without expecting anything in return? Just wondering here.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Vivalavi said:

'm looking at it as a compliment and it doesn't really bother me

Why?  He's not even trying to control himself so as to offer you more pleasure and time.  Who needs wham, bam, thank you m'am?  It sounds like he's just using you.

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

That he never thinks highly of himself. 

This is probably one of the reasons he's in this affair.