Unexpected sadness after seeing MM

[Will am I]

So his ego got stroked. That’s lovely, but at the same time he’s not making any real progress. If someone has low self esteem it can be beneficial to stroke his ego, but there must be a point to it (other than it feeling nice).

He keeps repeating the same circle of behavior. That’s why I wrote that even MM is not benefittng from the affair. 

And I totally see how MM wants to spend more time with you. But he’s not making it happen. 
He has to see how much this is hurting you and that continuing along this path is not an option anymore. I’m afraid he won’t find out unless you make it clear.

[Vivalavi]

Why is it that I'm so sensitive to any change in communication from him? Last night I told him - I wish I was more like you in whatever this is between us. He said I wish I felt more like you. When I asked why would he want that he said Because now I just seem heartless. 

I don't understand where he was going with it. But every morning, he sends me a snap on his way to work. Today he didn't. My mind was spinning wondering what happened, if what I said bothered him. Then I saw his name popped on my phone. There was no happiness. No relief. It was more like crying out loud that I can't do this anymore. It's like I can't breathe when he changes his patterns with me. 

[RebeccaR]

9 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

He said I wish I felt more like you. When I asked why would he want that he said Because now I just seem heartless. 

He’s being very straightforward and telling you that he’s not that into you. I would appreciate his honesty if I were you. He’s not making false promises or hooking up with you under false pretenses. Why do you keep pursuing this man?

[BrinnM]

15 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm very close to texting him that I can't do this anymore.

Dude, just don't talk to him anymore. Stop meeting up with him for car sex. Why do you think you owe him an explanation? He doesn't deserve one. He probably even doesn't want one. 

Honestly, he sounds like he justifies his extramarital sex by telling himself (and you as well) that his marriage is "lacking". That's an excuse, plus he just had a new baby! What is he expecting from his wife at this point, for real?

And I wonder if he believes you when you say you have feelings for him, because he seems to have no problem to label you as a mere sex buddy, whom he can also complain to about his marriage after shagging. I feel like he doesn't care who he has car sex with, you're replaceable. He'll look for a new sex partner once you're gone. Maybe he already has multiple. 

You are clearly suffering so much. Don't go there anymore. You don't enjoy it, and you're not getting anything out of it. He treats you like a free prostitute, and that's why you're feeling like crap after each meeting. You don't deserve this. 

Edited April 27, 2022 by BrinnM

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

It is not bad, but he never lasts more than 30 seconds first time. I'm looking at it as a compliment and it doesn't really bother me. He tries to please me when we have time.  But he could be gentler with touching here and there.

He’s bad at sex Viva. You have previously mentioned that he handles you roughly and you don’t like it. He has premature ejaculation. It’s all about him - very one sided. He is a selfish partner and this is bad sex. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

Is there a possibility that he just said it without expecting anything in return? Just wondering here.

Emotionally healthy, responsible, grown men don’t walk around complaining about how pitiful their lives are. 

Emotionally healthy women don’t make excuses when they do, or take it as a compliment, or volunteer to emotionally support a man when he throws a pity party for himself. Emotionally unhealthy, codependent women are the only people attracted by this behavior. 

 

Edited April 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

He wants to see me and would see me often if he could. He said he is busy with kids, work, trying to keep his wife happy, himself happy and by taking care of his mom. 

In other words, life. The only difference - most men are able to find a way to cope with the stress of life without cheating on their wives. 

[Vivalavi]

49 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

He’s being very straightforward and telling you that he’s not that into you. I would appreciate his honesty if I were you. He’s not making false promises or hooking up with you under false pretenses. Why do you keep pursuing this man?

Honestly, it is so confusing. He keeps telling me how much he cares about me and always will. I know those are just words, but he keeps repeating them over and over again. After I had a car accident last week, he was so attentive and caring. After he mentioned feeling heartless. I said I would never think you are. What makes you think that? He just said it's how I feel in our situation. 

Not sure where he is going with this. Because this whole talk started with me feeling like he didn't want to see me, to him telling me he would see me often if he could to feeling heartless in our situation. 

It is so confusing! Just last week he was telling me how much he wants to see me

[RebeccaR]

8 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

After he mentioned feeling heartless. I said I would never think you are.

But in your previous threads you have mentioned things you found cruel or cold or heartless (when he didn’t reply to your texts, when he asked you to engage in uncomfortable s*xual situations). Are you telling him the truth now, or just telling him what he wants to hear?

[RebeccaR]

11 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

It is so confusing! Just last week he was telling me how much he wants to see me

Gently, he wanted to see you for a quickie, and he did. What’s not truthful or confusing about his statement?

 

[Vivalavi]

11 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

But in your previous threads you have mentioned things you found cruel or cold or heartless (when he didn’t reply to your texts, when he asked you to engage in uncomfortable s*xual situations). Are you telling him the truth now, or just telling him what he wants to hear?

I don't think he is heartless, but I do think that some things were cruel.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I don't think he is heartless, but I do think that some things were cruel.

Which begs the question, why do you stay?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

He said I wish I felt more like you. When I asked why would he want that he said Because now I just seem heartless. 

He's basically telling you he knows you're in love with him but he doesn't feel the same way about you.  He just uses you for his purposes giving you just enough crumbs to keep you begging him for a full meal.  When are you going to drop the veil over your eyes and see this for what it is.  It's really sad.

[Vivalavi]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Which begs the question, why do you stay?

I can't explain it. It feels like I have no power to end it once for all. 

[Vivalavi]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

He's basically telling you he knows you're in love with him but he doesn't feel the same way about you.  He just uses you for his purposes giving you just enough crumbs to keep you begging him for a full meal.  When are you going to drop the veil over your eyes and see this for what it is.  It's really sad.

Funny you mentioned begging. We had this conversation last week. I said it feels like I have to beg for everything. He said he would never make me beg. He is just building things up which makes meetings up more intense. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

 It feels like I have no power to end it once for all. 

Please get therapy.  You are stronger than you allow yourself to be.  He sees your weakness and it's probably not attractive to him even though he uses it when he's in need.

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

He said he would never make me beg.

Sadly he doesn't have to.

[RebeccaR]

14 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

Funny you mentioned begging. We had this conversation last week. I said it feels like I have to beg for everything. He said he would never make me beg. He is just building things up which makes meetings up more intense. 

He is talking about the sex. You are looking for emotional support and validation and hugs and kisses. The two of you are looking for entirely different things in this affair which is why you will keep coming back asking the same questions until you end it.

[Vivalavi]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Please get therapy.  You are stronger than you allow yourself to be.  He sees your weakness and it's probably not attractive to him even though he uses it when he's in need.

You're right! He already mentioned I overthink. He also joked about him being good at confusing me. When we joked about begging and me stumping my feet he said it's actually cute that I'm being fussy. That evening he actually saved one of my pictures because he thought I was beautiful in it. This was first time he saved something that wasn't sexy. 

I know many of you say he doesn't care, he only wants one things, etc but those little things like mean something more to me. I doubt he would save it of he didn't feel anything. I don't think be would tell me I matter to him. He always says he hopes I know better that I'm not a toy and so on. 

But what really is getting to me is our recent conversation  - I don't understand it. In one I mentioned feeling like he was distracted and didn't want to see me to which he replied he was because he has a lot going on, but he wants to see me and would see me often if he could. Now simultaneously with this conversation but in different chat I told him 'i wish i was more like you in this' he said I wish i felt more like you. When i asked why would you want that he said Because now I just seem heartless. I replied I would never think you're  heartless. What makes you think that? He replied It’s how I  feel in our situation. 

He texted me that this morning. It's noon and I'm getting very anxious because I'm not sure where he is heading with it. 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I mentioned feeling like he was distracted and didn't want to see me

This is you - begging for his attention. 

It’s not cute. It’s degrading. It’s dysfunctional.

And delusional - that you would think that he would be able to offer you anything more than he does already… Or that you even have the right to ask.

 

Edited April 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

It seems that everyone here is saykng the same. What you are getting in your affair is just substandard. By any standard. Your dignity is being eroded.

Just because you’re the OW doesn’t mean that you should not be treated with respect. You are as much of a valuable person as your MM’s wife is.

 

You being the OW is not your problem, it’s your MM’s problem. Don’t allow yourself to be treated to poorly.

 

One more thing I need to raise. You accepting poor treatment will undermine your self esteem more and more and cause shifting standards. You’re at risk of becoming more and more accustomed ro worse and worse treatment. You have already started to defend MM.

[Bittersweetie]

31 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

He is talking about the sex. You are looking for emotional support and validation and hugs and kisses. The two of you are looking for entirely different things in this affair which is why you will keep coming back asking the same questions until you end it.

I think Rebecca has a good point here. You are looking for emotional support and validation desperately from this MM because your husband does not provide any of that. So you are analyzing every word and text to find anything that fits what you want to hear, and feeling confused when you are not sure of what MM is exactly trying to say. 

What action are you taking in regards to your marriage? The last you wrote your H had been trying, you were not into it, and you were nervous he would discover what you'd done. Think about where you would be right now if you had channeled all the mental energy you've spent in the last 1-2 years on MM on yourself and creating a healthy path for yourself and your child. 

[Vivalavi]

On 4/26/2022 at 7:31 AM, Wiseman2 said:

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. be frank about the hookups and your bad marriage. Is there something exciting about doing it in a public place? What's the real reason you're doing this?

It's not really a public place. It's his hunting private property. However, i don't think of it exciting. It's just a place where we can be alone.

I'm seeing therapist for a while now. I'll see her next week as well.

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

When we joked about begging and me stumping my feet

 

31 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not cute. It’s degrading. It’s dysfunctional.

No Viv, when you're over the age of 21 none of this is cute but degrading and sad.  Please get therapy.

[Vivalavi]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

No Viv, when you're over the age of 21 none of this is cute but degrading and sad.  Please get therapy.

I know. I'm not saying I was cute. That's what he said. I should be having 24/7 therapy at this point.