Unexpected sadness after seeing MM

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

I should be having 24/7 therapy at this point.

Maybe you need to change therapists as this wasn't doesn't seem to be helping you at all.  You haven't moved forward an inch.

[Vivalavi]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Maybe you need to change therapists as this wasn't doesn't seem to be helping you at all.  You haven't moved forward an inch.

She is the only one in area covered by my insurance, unfortunately. There are days she is very helpful but lately out sessions get interrupted by her checking her phone or smart watch.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Bittersweetie said:

So you are analyzing every word and text to find anything that fits what you want to hear, and feeling confused when you are not sure of what MM is exactly trying to say. 

Perhaps the “confusion” is because his words do not match his actions. There is that and the fact that she is not seeing/hearing what she wants to hear. 

Kindly Viv, perhaps your therapist is checking her phone because these discussions are very circular - 

It’s obviously not a professional thing for a therapist to do. That said, I don’t actually get the sense that you are motivated to make a change. Don’t get me wrong, I know that you have been listening and contemplating, but when it comes time to put words to actions - you tend to retreat back to your safe space which is to analyze your affair partner’s words/behavior and assume the role of powerless victim. As a therapist, I can imagine that is very frustrating. At a certain point, the therapeutic relationship has broken down and it’s time for you to either take a break (you are not ready to change, you are stuck in the contemplation stage) or find another therapist. Either is ok. 

Edited April 27, 2022 by BaileyB

[Eeejay]

Gently, it's not confusing. It's only confusing to you because you don't want to hear the truth everyone here is trying to get through to you.

Let me put it this way - if someone repeatedly told you they don't believe in physical violence and would never hurt you but then proceeded to come around every month or so to beat you up, which would you say meant more - their words or their actions? Morally this is the same thing, but this abuse is more insidious because it's not as cut-and-dry. You hit someone for one reason - to hurt them. Sex, on the other hand, isn't generally wielded as a weapon against someone. It's traditionally an expression of love or connection. You want to believe that's what it is, even though you walk away with invisible bruises every single time. You're the one that keeps opening the door for your abuser.

This isn't love. He KNOWS it hurts you, but he could care less because he's getting his rocks off. One final thing - even if he sprung for a nice hotel every month and gave you a good few hours of truly pleasurable sex? He's still the freaking pud that's cheating on his wife while she's home with a two-month old baby and one other child because he 'needs attention'. It's pathetic. He's abusing his wife, too, she just doesn't know it. I'll bet she's overwhelmed, too, but I'd bet a million dollars she's not meeting some two-pump chump in the woods every once in awhile to take the edge off like he is. I mean, seriously - eww.

Cut this [] from your life and move on to better things.

 

Edited April 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Wiseman2]

On 4/25/2022 at 7:56 PM, Vivalavi said:

I'll never will be someone that gets more than a luxury of his car backseat.

Do you do this to get back at your husband? Because you seem to get nothing out of it.

Sort of snickering to yourself that you're 'cheating on' someone you hate?

[Vivalavi]

59 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you do this to get back at your husband? Because you seem to get nothing out of it.

Sort of snickering to yourself that you're 'cheating on' someone you hate?

No, wiseman. I might dislike people , but I don't hate them. This has nothing to do with getting back at my husband. 

[Lisa]

Thread has been closed as it's a restart of a topic which was previously closed.  All conversation at this point is rehashing the advice given earlier.  

[Vivalavi]

Just a little update for anyone that followed my previous posts.

MM ended our affair and I can only thank him for doing it. Deep down, there was so much pain and hurting of innocent people, and yet I was coming back for more. 

This week was supposed to be a happy week even though it was also wrong. We were supposed to meet at his home. On Monday, he picked me up and took me there. In over two years, this was my first time. His house was surprisingly messy and cluttered. Dark too. But I didn't care as long as I was with him. When we started kissing he wanted to go to their bedroom . I stopped him and asked to stay in a living room. It didn't take long and between cuddles he was answering his wife's texts.

Few minutes later, he left without saying anything. I could hear him talking to his family. And there was I - sitting wrapped in his blanket on their sofa, listening to his wife describing a day at the beach. I felt terrible and it felt weird to actually be there. He came back after a few minutes. We cuddled and kissed but nothing much happened after that. I asked if we will see each other tomorrow and he said yes multiple times. 

Next day came and I didn't hear from him all day until about one hour before meeting. He asked if he can be honest with me. I knew what was coming. A long text saying - "I’ve been honest with you. Always.  I genuinely care about you. I genuinely enjoy your company. Being around you. Talking to you. Our time. I enjoy all of that.  More than you may believe. My space. My distance. These feelings you get in regards to me. It all comes from me having a guilty conscious. Feeling bad. Because I do enjoy things with you. A lot more than I should. Each time we meet, it hits me a little harder. Because I know  I’m wrong for what we do. It’s me. All of it. And I’m sorry. I’ve mentioned it along the way. That we had to stop. But I  always keep coming back. And I’m sorry. I cant keep going though. No matter how bad I want to. It makes me feel so bad. Because I shouldnt be doing this. Or feeling how I feel."

It hit me hard. Anger, sadness, tons of tears. I asked him why he couldn't tell me face to face when we saw each other or at least earlier. He said it was never his intend. He didn't plant to end it and hurt me. He kept saying how genuinely he cares for me and that ending it hurts him too. He said he made himself sick over this. That's it's not something easy for him.

We had a long text conversation about it. We still kinda do except we talk a lot less. I have been crying since Monday trying to rationalize it. I don't want to think of me anymore or put my ego into a play. I don't want to wonder whether I can actually believe him because part of me doesn't believe him and his words. 

There are times I'm blaming myself for end. Maybe if I was this or that he would still like me. 

The crazy part is - that's not the point. I want to believe he genuinely feels bad and accept that. Unlike those first two times, I don't want to fight to stay in his life. I want to let him go and be happy with his family. I need to stop being selfish once for all. 

But truth to be told - I'm struggling so bad. Then I cry over and over again while dealing with COVID. He keeps asking how I am which is nice. I keep replaying our day together and then it hurts even more. 

How do I start focusing only on what's right thing to do? How do I stop thinking of myself? Stop being paranoid and not believing him? It would be a lot easier if I believed it was truly the only reason why he ended it. I need to respect that. I should long time ago. I just feel completely lost at this time. 

And my marriage... Sweet marriage. My husband started a new fashion of offensive name callings. [ ] 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive language

[glows]

Your marriage sounds verbally and emotionally abusive. Have you given serious thought to ending it?

I doubt he won't be back, MM. For your sake, treat it as the end so you can close this chapter for good. If you feel sad and overwhelmed, keep busy. You've spent a lot of time thinking about him and it all has to change.

 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, Vivalavi said:

My husband started a new fashion of name callings. Asking me if I'm r*tard or a r*tarded. From all names I could deserve, he picks this one

You're depressed because you're in an abusive marriage, not because of the cheater.

[Will am I]

I think the words that your MM wrote about breaking up, they sound sincere. I totally relate how the MM can care increasingly deeply about you as the OW and yet always feel guilty about it. Exactly as he wrote, the deeper he hot involved, the bigger the sense of guilt.

He didn’t intend to leave his wife. Rule of thumb: MMs don’t leave their spouses and families, else they wouldn’t be MM but recently divorced men to begin with.

It strikes me that maybe the breakup was the most honest and respectful he’s ever been with you.

Allow me to give this a positive spin. You’re living with an abusive husband, and the affair was a coping strategy. Every woman wants to feel respected, loved and desired. You were desperate enough to seek these feelings in an affair.

This could be your trigger to start again. No more MM. And if your husband doesn’t change his attitudes, no more of him either. Maybe this time next year you could be in a good and pleasant relationship.

[Starswillshine]

I don't know. His words may sound like he feels bad, but he seriously brought another woman to the house he shares with his wife and even suggested heading to their bed. 

I think he just knows how to talk/play the game. Easy and gentle let down. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

His words may sound like he feels bad, but he seriously brought another woman to the house he shares with his wife and even suggested heading to their bed. 

Agreed. That is utterly reprehensible. This is a man who cares about nobody but himself. Not even you, Viva. 

7 hours ago, Vivalavi said:

How do I start focusing only on what's right thing to do?

By doing what we've been telling you to do for months - block him and get therapy. Work on ending your marriage. 

 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

I don't know. His words may sound like he feels bad, but he seriously brought another woman to the house he shares with his wife and even suggested heading to their bed. 

Agree. This is not a man who knows guilt or remorse, despite what he may say. 

You are still in contact - if past behavior is predictive of future behavior, I don’t believe that this is done. 

The only true way forward Viv is to block him and get yourself some intensive therapy. You have an abusive husband and you need to make a decision about your marriage. That’s the real issue here - not whether your affair partner texts his wife after having sex with you in his family home or whether he has ended the affair because he feels guilty. Please. You are raising your child in a home where her father calls her mother a ******. How much longer are you going to allow this to continue?

Edited May 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lisa]

Thread has been closed as it's a restart of a topic which was previously closed.  All conversation at this point is rehashing the advice given earlier.  

[Vivalavi]

I'm not going into details about my affair, but I'm asking for advice of those that tried NC and were successful at it. 

He ended it a week ago. He still texts a little since our conversations are continuous ones. I'm no longer asking questions to give him opportunity to cut it if he didn't want to text any longer. Maybe his messages are out of pity or maybe he genuinely cares. Who knows.

However, my mental state isn't good. I keep replaying our last day together. I blame myself. Wondering if there is something I did or didn't do. It is killing me on the inside. 

There are times when I'm able to be rational. To focus on a simple fact - he ended it because he feels bad and it was a right thing to do. He has a family. I would always choose my child over a lover. I can't hold this against him. He did a right thing.

But- there are often moments when I doubt everything. When I blame myself, thinking he has someone new, thinking of good times only. Only think of things I liked about him. Things that made me smile even though my pain/joy ratio was easily 80/20. 

How do I stay focused on a simple fact he feels bad and he should be giving attention to his family only? That it is over and right thing to do is to let him go? 

Should I write it down and read it several times a day? 

I also noticed that I'm keeping myself from a true NC because of our snap streak number. It's 687. 687 days of seeing his face. And also 687 of being wrong and a fool. I know it's ridiculous but it means something to me. Why?!  I know I need to break this pattern. I also know that I need to stop looking for ways to make myself to be a reason for things being over. It's like this neverending story of proving myself I'm not worthy of love or lovable. Ego, I can't stand when my ego gets into this. 

I want him to be happy. I hope he will give his children and his wife attention they truly deserve. I want to let go of him and I want this pain to stop. 

I am so very afraid of emptiness this might bring. Of even more pain; of seeing things I haven't before or choose to ignore. 

I want him to be happy. I don't believe his marriage is as miserable as mine. He can still make the best of it. 

I just want to focus on that. To wish him well, to let it be. 

How did you do that? How did you start thinking with your brain instead of irrational heart? Not to check their social media? How to let go and accept is truly over? How to stop missing him?

 

Edited May 31, 2022 by Vivalavi
Grammar

[glows]

You'll have to see for yourself the man he is versus what you think or had hoped for him to be. There's cognitive dissonance and severe shift in reality if you're finally facing that. 

Stick to your current commitments like work, children if you have any, maintenance/upkeep of the home and so on. It's not as exciting but they are responsibilities that need looking after. Don't keep avoiding your marriage if it's abusive and damaging and address ending it instead of remaining paralyzed in pain and fear. Think of your own future.

687 days involved with a cheater is also reason to turn your life around pronto. That's a long time to put yourself and your life on hold. Delete and uninstall the app. You don't need stuff like that around especially if he's the only person you're talking to. Don't stay stuck in this limbo. 

 

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, Vivalavi said:

I'm not going into details about my affair, but I'm asking for advice of those that tried NC and were successful at it. 

He ended it a week ago. He still texts a little since our conversations are continuous ones. I'm no longer asking questions to give him opportunity to cut it if he didn't want to text any longer. Maybe his messages are out of pity or maybe he genuinely cares. Who knows.

However, my mental state isn't good. I keep replaying our last day together. I blame myself. Wondering if there is something I did or didn't do. It is killing me on the inside. 

There are times when I'm able to be rational. To focus on a simple fact - he ended it because he feels bad and it was a right thing to do. He has a family. I would always choose my child over a lover. I can't hold this against him. He did a right thing.

But- there are often moments when I doubt everything. When I blame myself, thinking he has someone new, thinking of good times only. Only think of things I liked about him. Things that made me smile even though my pain/joy ratio was easily 80/20. 

How do I stay focused on a simple fact he feels bad and he should be giving attention to his family only? That it is over and right thing to do is to let him go? 

Should I write it down and read it several times a day? 

I also noticed that I'm keeping myself from a true NC because of our snap streak number. It's 687. 687 days of seeing his face. And also 687 of being wrong and a fool. I know it's ridiculous but it means something to me. Why?!  I know I need to break this pattern. I also know that I need to stop looking for ways to make myself to be a reason for things being over. It's like this neverending story of proving myself I'm not worthy of love or lovable. Ego, I can't stand when my ego gets into this. 

I want him to be happy. I hope he will give his children and his wife attention they truly deserve. I want to let go of him and I want this pain to stop. 

I am so very afraid of emptiness this might bring. Of even more pain; of seeing things I haven't before or choose to ignore. 

I want him to be happy. I don't believe his marriage is as miserable as mine. He can still make the best of it. 

I just want to focus on that. To wish him well, to let it be. 

How did you do that? How did you start thinking with your brain instead of irrational heart? Not to check their social media? How to let go and accept is truly over? How to stop missing him?

 

Viva. You are thinking this the wrong way.

You should be happy he “ended it” for you. The man has been using you in the most terrible ways all this time. The reason he is reaching out is because he still wants to have some means to control you. You want him back? Believe me, at some point he will be back to hurt you and give you breadcrumbs. But you need to use this window to get out. Don’t let him contact you, block him. Get better, then make decisions about your marriage. 
 

For me this MM is a serial cheater and a narcissist. 

[stillafool]

You won't be able to start moving on until you actually take the step of blocking all contact with this man.  There is no way to heal from this affair as long as you stay in touch for any reason.  There is no way to ween yourself from him.  Until you block him you will continue to just go around and around in circles.

[flitzanu]

well, NC isn't a "game" it's either you do or you don't and it isn't about manipulation.  if you don't want to be in contact, then you literally need to block him on every possible way you communicate, and magically he's gone and you can't speak anymore.

[RebeccaR]

Is the streak a feature of the snapchat app, or are you keeping count personally? Gently, it sounds childish. Either way, block him. I would tell him straight out you no longer want to be in contact, that you will be blocking him, and that you hope he will respect your wishes and not try to reach you in any way. 

[Lisa]

Topic closed as the subject of moving on has been thoroughly covered in previous threads