Driving later in life

[despairingbuttrying]

I'm 38 now and I first started driving in my early 20s and picked things up rather quickly I remember. I had a really good instructor who taught me the basics well and I was feeling confident. I had around 20 odd lessons I think, so I did make progress. Some time went by and I thought I'd do my theory test but I failed it as everyone was saying how easy it is and it's common sense etc. So although I did revise it wasn't enough. Failing that really affected my confidence and as a result I never went back to driving again and I regret that now... All these years later I've finally decided it's time to give it another try. Had my second lesson and I really think I'm not doing as well as I should be. Stalling when turning at the junctions, being a little distracted by having to focus on so many things at once etc. I realise all this comes in time but I'm putting pressure on myself because I see driving as such as basic skill that anyone can do. So how difficult can it be!? I'm fairly well coordinated. I can play different sports to a decent level, I'm a gamer too so that should help with reaction times and spatial awareness and visual motor skills. In the UK we mostly learn on manual so having to think about gear changing is difficult plus in learning in a diesel as well which is meant to be difficult to stall. Stalling can really affect confidence. 

I was wondering whether anyone else is in a similar position? Another key reason why I didn't bother or wasn't motivated was because I live in London, UK so similar to say other big cities like NYC or Hong Kong, you don't really need own car and in most cases it's actually so expensive it's not worth the hassle, especially when public transport is quicker, cheaper and more accessible.

This lack of urgency though of not being able to drive is a symptom of a deeper problem though. I don't know, so many areas of my life I feel I have fallen short...not being married, being single now for so many years, then this issue. I know life is not competition and it's not helpful to compare yourself to others but it's only natural to feel that sense of inadequacy and feeling like I need to "catch up" in life.

[SingFish]

34 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

I don't know, so many areas of my life I feel I have fallen short...not being married, being single now for so many years, then this issue. I know life is not competition and it's not helpful to compare yourself to others but it's only natural to feel that sense of inadequacy and feeling like I need to "catch up" in life.

Are you happy?

I would not feel too 'inadequate' that you haven't been through the divorces and ensuing family drama many of us have! That sense of urgency isn't always that healthy or indicative of a good outcome...

Good luck with the repeat driving test- when you feel ready.

[Wiseman2]

Good luck with the driving school/test. Do you really want to drive/own a car? Or are you doing this to solve some sort of unfinished business?

Start by cutting back on the video games. That's isolating you. It's creating a not real virtual world. 

When you are out in real life in the real world, you don't seem to be able to handle the normal ambient surroundings/distractions because you're too used to a console, controlling everything and fake stimulus.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist.

Discuss the anxiety, inability to concentrate and despair.

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

9 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

This lack of urgency though of not being able to drive is a symptom of a deeper problem though. I don't know, so many areas of my life I feel I have fallen short...not being married, being single now for so many years, then this issue. I know life is not competition and it's not helpful to compare yourself to others but it's only natural to feel that sense of inadequacy and feeling like I need to "catch up" in life.

You know driving is a good metaphor for focus and keeping your eyes on the road, similar in a sense to staying focused on other things in life. You may surprise yourself at how well you drive when all this is said and done and you've gotten your license. Having a strong awareness of other drivers and people, animals, signs or other things that share that road is also an advantage, your spatial awareness which you seem to also have. 

You're not inadequate, just a late starter and there's something to be said about learning things later in life. Enjoy that sense of accomplishment no matter how challenging something is. The greatest satisfaction comes from those moments you challenge yourself and overcome something you feel you once couldn't do or thought that you could never do. I think the worst outcome of living is paralysis and inertia. Whatever you do keep growing - driving, cooking, dancing or creating works from your own hands. Do whatever pleases you and do well in whatever you choose. It is never too late. Let us know how things go. 

[despairingbuttrying]

On 4/26/2022 at 2:34 PM, glows said:

You know driving is a good metaphor for focus and keeping your eyes on the road, similar in a sense to staying focused on other things in life. You may surprise yourself at how well you drive when all this is said and done and you've gotten your license. Having a strong awareness of other drivers and people, animals, signs or other things that share that road is also an advantage, your spatial awareness which you seem to also have. 

You're not inadequate, just a late starter and there's something to be said about learning things later in life. Enjoy that sense of accomplishment no matter how challenging something is. The greatest satisfaction comes from those moments you challenge yourself and overcome something you feel you once couldn't do or thought that you could never do. I think the worst outcome of living is paralysis and inertia. Whatever you do keep growing - driving, cooking, dancing or creating works from your own hands. Do whatever pleases you and do well in whatever you choose. It is never too late. Let us know how things go. 

Thanks I honestly thought it would be fine. Just had my third lesson today and stalled on a specific junction trying to move off.  It was quite embarrassing.  I realise this is common for learners but it can really affect your confidence. 

[Alpacalia]

On 4/26/2022 at 6:34 AM, glows said:

Whatever you do keep growing - driving, cooking, dancing or creating works from your own hands. Do whatever pleases you and do well in whatever you choose. It is never too late. Let us know how things go. 

Agree.

I decided for a career change later in life (I posted a thread about it on here a couple years back).

Still going strong and I am no spring chicken.

As long as you stay fit, motivated and embrace a sense of purpose - it's never too late.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

40 minutes ago, despairingbuttrying said:

Thanks I honestly thought it would be fine. Just had my third lesson today and stalled on a specific junction trying to move off

Are you driving a manual transmission? Most of my life I drove that type of cars, lived and parked on the steep hills of San Francisco. That said the ease of an automatic transmission, not having to shift is so nice.

if you are stalling due to having a manual transmission, I suggest using an automatic. Life is short! Best of luck. 
 

[basil67]

Please be kind to yourself.  It's completely normal to be stalling on only your third lesson.   Are you getting taught by a friend or a professional teacher?    The thing is, those of us who don't know how to teach talk about "you've just gotta feel it" when trying to explain the clutch, but a professional teacher will be far better supporting you.  

That said, my daughter really couldn't get the hang of our manual (it wasn't the easiest clutch to manage) and lost so much confidence that she stopped learning.  In the end we decided that learning in a manual wasn't a hill to die on (see what I did there?) so we sold that car and bought an auto.  She then took to it like a duck to water.

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, despairingbuttrying said:

 Just had my third lesson today and stalled on a specific junction trying to move off.  It was quite embarrassing.  I realise this is common for learners but it can really affect your confidence. 

I've been driving for 40 years... all manual transmission vehicles.  Just the other day I stalled my old work truck (at a light).  I've been driving this particular truck for 24 years, I know it like the back of my hand and I stalled it out.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it is quite common to stall out a manual transmission vehicle... especially on your third lesson and not knowing that vehicles particular "friction point" of the clutch.

 

[basil67]

@despairingbuttrying what percentage of cars which you'd look to buy are manual where you live?   Another part of our decision to switch to auto for our daughter is that there are very few manuals on the market where we are.   While a manual always gives you the option to clutch start with a dead battery, I'm not sure there's much practical need for manual now.

[despairingbuttrying]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

Please be kind to yourself.  It's completely normal to be stalling on only your third lesson.   Are you getting taught by a friend or a professional teacher?    The thing is, those of us who don't know how to teach talk about "you've just gotta feel it" when trying to explain the clutch, but a professional teacher will be far better supporting you.  

That said, my daughter really couldn't get the hang of our manual (it wasn't the easiest clutch to manage) and lost so much confidence that she stopped learning.  In the end we decided that learning in a manual wasn't a hill to die on (see what I did there?) so we sold that car and bought an auto.  She then took to it like a duck to water.

I think I might have figured out the issue.  As I said my current instructor has taught me to move off ONLY USING THE CLUTCH. My previous instructor many years ago I remember taught me how to use a little gas BEFORE raising the clutch, then raising the clutch and finding the bite before then moving off.  

I'm trying to find the bite using this heavy thick clutch and trying to move off too quickly and then applying the gas and I don't think it's not that effective and at this point my clutch control is not good enough, especially if you are moving off a slight steep incline like I tried to yesterday or moving off into a junction/roundabout.  I need to change instructors and go to one who taught me like before - set the GAS FIRST then raise the clutch, biting point and GO. 

[basil67]

Oh, you absolutely need to have one foot on the gas and the other on the clutch.  As you get better, you'll automatically do the gas and clutch to work in time with the other, but for now, do what works.   For an incline, are they teaching you to do a handbrake start?   You won't need the handbrake for most starts when you're experienced, but for now, it's handy to use for any incline so that you don't roll backwards while getting the clutch to take up

Hang in there!