I have a crush on my husband's best friend

[Serenababy96]

My husband is the most perfect amazing person best father ever and I thank God every day for him. He's so amazing to me n our little family. We an amazing marriage, we.have great communication we are always in one another's head. We both can be insecure and jealous though. As of late I've been having dreams about his best friend who is out child's God father as well these dreams are innocent some not so innocent but even in my dreams I'm loyal to my husband which I tell my husband about these dreams.  But I find myself wanting all of us to hang out more or want him to text me more n get giddy about it. These are unhealthy feelings and I know I shouldn't be having them he's not going anywhere I am most definitely not telling my husband cause we already both suspect that his best friend has feelings for me and I reassure my husband I love him so much and I'd never do anything to jeopardize our relationship and I know his best friend would never cross those lines but I just need someone who doesn't know or my family to talk to about this and get advice besides endong the friendship or talking to my husband about it cause I know neither of us would ever ever cross those lines. 

[glows]

You probably already know what to do and just need to hear it from a third party. Don't communicate as much and focus more on your family. Crushes happen but it's what you do in reaction to those emotions that counts the most. 

It's possible also that being attracted to a man not part of your nuclear family is also in part a stress-relieving coping mechanism for you if you have a lot on your plate. I'd revisit or review any stress inducing events and ongoing issues in your life that may be too much. Perhaps you're not addressing the impact of these issues as well or finding the correct support.

[Serenababy96]

The stress stuff makes alot of sense actually ice been going through alot of it so it makes that having this crush could be a coping mechanism. Thankyou ❤️ 

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Serenababy96 said:

But I find myself wanting all of us to hang out more or want him to text me more n get giddy about it.

I think you need to distance yourself and not text with your husband's friend in order not to feed your crush on him.  Warning: Do Not Walk The Slippery Slope.

Edited April 26, 2022 by stillafool

[vla1120]

Having a harmless crush is normal human behavior. Don't communicate with your husband's best friend directly unless it is in a 3-way chat with your husband included. That will keep both you and your husband's best friend from the temptation of crossing any lines. 

[glows]

12 minutes ago, Serenababy96 said:

The stress stuff makes alot of sense actually ice been going through alot of it so it makes that having this crush could be a coping mechanism. Thankyou ❤️ 

Work on the stress and other issues in your relationship. Having crushes isn't ideal while in a relationship. To me, it speaks to deeper issues in the marriage. When we don't feel as free to be ourselves, inhibited, trapped, somewhat walking on eggshells, stressed or anxious we're prone to fantasizing about other options. This is just the way the human mind works or explores other options. I think it's a method for surviving actually especially in times of severe stress and when we continuously ignore the red flags or discomfort we feel. 

[Happy Lemming]

How long have you and your husband been married??

There actually is a "seven year itch" theory that seems to "hold water" based on various studies.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Serenababy96 said:

I find myself wanting all of us to hang out more or want him to text me more n get giddy about it.

It's normal to be attracted to other people, but you need to nix the texting.

[Will am I]

Texting with a person on whom you have a crush, that's not something that goes in the right direction. Nether is hanging out with that person privately. You're a smart person and you know you shouldn't be doing that stuff.

 

A word of warning: that advice is so easy to give but may be unexpectedly hard to follow. Especially if it goes on for a while and the crush becomes stronger.

I also consider myself a reasonably smart person with a proper amount of self control. Yet I completely fell for a young woman and had an EA which would probably have been a PA had she lived closer. Saying this because I feel your struggles and I do not judge you at all. But I need to warn you that your risk may be more acute than you currently realize.

 

Can I give this a positive swing? Something in your husband's friend is attracting you, even turning you on because he shows up in your dreams. Can you isolate what it is? It it certain aspects of his looks or behavior? Maybe your husband can adjust a little and become a bit more like your dream person. 

[Serenababy96]

We never hang out alone my husband is always with us, it's usually just me sc him pics n videos of my child nothing more unless my husband tells me to text him where we're meeting or something. The thing is he's not super attractive and when I first met him I didn't like him at all because of the way he treated my husband but now he's a better friend to him and great with our child he has nice muscles I think at least a shirt he's worn has shown that but I don't find him physically attractive my husband is 100x more attractive and perfect I just don't know why or where these feelings are coming from maybe I'm confusing them with something else? 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Serenababy96 said:

We never hang out alone my husband is always with us, it's usually just me sc him pics n videos of my child nothing more 

Stop messaging him. It's that simple.

[stillafool]

Why are you communicating with your husband's best friend?  That's so inappropriate.  Who cares if he has muscles, so does your husband.  Do you work or are you a SAHM?

[Will am I]

30 minutes ago, Serenababy96 said:

We never hang out alone my husband is always with us,

Good

30 minutes ago, Serenababy96 said:

it's usually just me sc him pics n videos of my child nothing more unless my husband tells me to text him where we're meeting or something. The thing is he's not super attractive and when I first met him I didn't like him at all because of the way he treated my husband but now he's a better friend to him and great with our child he has nice muscles I think at least a shirt he's worn has shown that but I don't find him physically attractive my husband is 100x more attractive and perfect I just don't know why or where these feelings are coming from maybe I'm confusing them with something else? 

With the crush, better refrain from texting altogether. Even friendly and benign communications can quickly shift to another octave. In my case the messaging went from friendly and polite talk ("hey there" and "nice to meet you") to "I keep having this fantasy where you and I ..." in maybe one week. Another week later I was the proud owner of a couple of very inapproriate, custom made for me, selfies and even a video that was created specifically for my sexual enjoyment. It was bliss to receive these inappropriate messages. Right now I'm fighting to keep my marriage afloat and the fact that I let myself slip into the EA adds to the trouble.

 

About the attraction: a person does not even have to be textbook beautiful to spark your fire. Small details in the face, hair, body, etc may somehow spark something that can take off on its own. 

 

[Starswillshine]

Try to imagine how ugly the fall out would be if you were to pursue an affair and everyone found out. Think of all the pain caused, the gossip spread, the damage done to friendships and families. Thinking of the consequences can sometimes turn people away. 

To tell a quick story. When I was married previously (prior to my ex husband's cheating ways being discovered), one of my kid's coaches was this smoking hot guy with lots of muscles. We would have to text sometimes to set up private lessons, and we would find ourselves talking to each other here and there. I found myself daydreaming about him. Then I realized that I was forming a crush. So I quickly stopped attending practices and kept my distance as much as I could. I also told myself he was probably lousy in bed and all sorts of other things to distract me from his hotness. It worked. Everything stay extremely professional. 

Fast forward 5 years, my husband had affairs, I divorced him. It was safe to have a crush again. ... the coach and I are getting married next year.

I only say that to say, you CAN control feelings, emotions, etc. You just gave to recognize it before you go down the path of destruction. 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

... the coach and I are getting married next year.

Oh what a lovely story Star (except ex cheating).  So glad you did the right thing and karma rewarded you big time for it.  Best wishes.

[Starswillshine]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Oh what a lovely story Star (except ex cheating).  So glad you did the right thing and karma rewarded you big time for it.  Best wishes.

Well even the cheating thing had a positive outcome. I wouldn't have the life I have now if he never cheated! So I am grateful for all of it. The only thing I would like to change is the pain to my children and the factured relationship they have with their dad as a result. 

[Just a Guy]

Is your husband's friend in s relationship of his own? If so, all the more reason for you to steer clear of him. Remember, the more contact with him that you have, the more likely you will be to feed your crush. Also, I would suggest that both you and your husband broaden your circle of friends so that there is a larger pool of people that you interact with on a daily basis. Also, please communicate with your husband about the depth of your feelings for this person so that your husband is forewarned and can up his game with courting you. If you two have let your marriage stagnate and have got so comfortable with each other that you take each other for granted then such problems are likely to arise. These dreams that you have of your husband's friend are a warning sign for you. Beware! Warm regards.

[Deidre]

My husband and I have mutual friends, we were actually friends before we started dating. That’s how I know, friendships can turn into more if you’re not careful. I don’t think you should text him or communicate too much knowing that your feelings are beyond friendship. But, don’t beat yourself up. It’s not unusual to have crushes on people but if you nurture them, they can become more. Cherish your husband and just see it for what it is, a fleeting crush and nothing more. 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Serena, I would like to add to what I said in my previous post. You said that you would never cross your boundaries  and neither would he! However, human beings are weak and prone to fall prey to their weaknesses. Remember Adam and Eve? The thing is that at some point the two of you, your husband's friend and you are likely to find your selves in a position to consummate your strong feelings for each other! This is how affairs start. You say your husband is amazing and you have and amazing marriage. Your husband is an amazing father and yet, both of you suffer from jealousy and probably suspicion( of each other?). Please do not use adjectives like amazing and perfect when describing your marriage. As humans non of us can really have such a "Happily ever after" union with another person. There will always be some rough edges which each of you have which will rub you two up the wrong way. There will always be times when you get on each others nerves, just as there will be times when both of you will be on cloud nine together. So, have the maturity to navigate the difficult times together and enjoy your cloud nine moments to the maximum when they occur.

I don't know how long you two have been married, but taking into consideration that you have a child, I would assume that you have at least six years under your belt. As time goes by marriages tend to stagnate because of all the little problems and irritations that come up daily to be dealt with. You have to keep your relationship fresh with all the powers at your command. It seems to me that inspite of your describing that your marriage is perfect something is wrong which is why your subconscious mind is sending you warning signs in the form of dreams about your husband's friend and your so called crush on him. It I'd an escape mechanism that your subconscious has generated to help you cope with the dissatisfaction which is brewing in your emotional psyche with your relationship. If you do not work to rectify the problem now it will spiral out of control and lead to disastrous results. Do not feed the wrong wolf! Both of you have to make a course correction together by communicating transparently and honestly to safeguard your marriage. Go back to your dating days and do the things that engendered your love for each other. Warm regards.