My ex asked mutual friend how i´m doing.

[Minty33year]

Was together with my ex less than a year but we did a lot of things during this time (met each other´s friends. family, went on vacation abroad, spent Christmas birthdays etc together)...

He broke up because he isn´t ready to settle down (moving in together, starting family etc). He just doesn't know if and when he wants kids if any, and said he wants to be free and party, not have a time-constraint. He just turned 30 so it´s probably a crisis, but i´m 33 and a woman so i can´t wait for him forever... he acted like he loves me into the end, was very caring and helpfull when i got my stuff back (payed a taxi, offered emotional support when i had questions and was just generally kind despite the decision to break up)

We been in no contact 2 weeks now. Yesterday he reached out to our mutual friend and said:
"Hi, don´t let her know but can you tell me how she´s doing? Please don't tell her i asked, it might worsen the situation"
My friend said: " She id fine despite the circumstances.. how are you?"
He answer : "Its a bit rough. She is such a damn lovely girl. It´s just something wrong with me"
My friend: "I understand. Yeah, she´s really one of a kind:)"
He: "Yeap!"

I had tears in my eyes knowing this (of course she showed me their conversation and supporting me). I just got emotional over the fact that he´s actually thinking about me enough to ask how im doing, i think it´s a beautiful thing and feel almost hugged by him doing this.. its a nice gesture. Despite it maybe doesn't mean so much yet but i´m hoping he might miss me even more and get his s*** together so we can be happy together!

What we had was special. The only problems except the above is he likes to save a lot of money and i´m more of a spender/save less money.. plus he drinks a lof of alcohol and never works out while i rarely drinking and workout every other day.. plus he loves rock music i hate but thats not so bad. We had great romance and always so cozy cute times together..

Anyway what do i do now? I´m planning on staying no contact for at least a month nevertheless.. maybe forever because we said its he who has to change, not me, he said nothing is wrong we me just him who is not mature and ready for a more serious relationship with all that it is...

What would you do in my shoes? Thanks in advance ❤️

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, Minty33year said:

What would you do in my shoes? Thanks in advance ❤️

I would continue moving forward and try not to look back.  He probably does miss you and feels guilty because he hurt you so he wanted to make sure you're doing okay.    I wouldn't read more into it than that because if he wanted to get back together he wouldn't have told her not to tell you.  He'd want you to know he's checking and has changed his mind.  A man just turning 30 is still very young on the parenting scale.  You don't have the time to waste that he does if you want kids.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Minty33year said:

What would you do in my shoes?

I would do nothing.

He hasn't indicated that he's now ready for the type of relationship you would like, so I would take his enquiry as genuine concern about you but also an attempt to soothe his own guilt for hurting you. 

I once felt awful breaking up with an ex of mine. The image of his crying face in stayed in my mind for a long time, and I felt terrible for being the one who caused it. He was a good man. And yes, I once asked a mutual friend how he was doing after we broke up. However, I also knew I didn't want to reconcile. So, I stopped asking about him as I didn't want him to hear about it and get false hope. 

For your own well-being, I would try not to read into your ex's question. And I would ask your friends to not report back to you when he communicates with them. It will only hurt you more. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Minty33year said:

We been in no contact 2 weeks now. Yesterday he reached out to our mutual friend and said:
"Hi, don´t let her know but can you tell me how she´s doing? Please don't tell her i asked, it might worsen the situation"
My friend said: " She id fine despite the circumstances.. how are you?"
He answer : "Its a bit rough. She is such a damn lovely girl. It´s just something wrong with me"
My friend: "I understand. Yeah, she´s really one of a kind:)
  

You made the right choice ending things. You dodged a bullet. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

He's manipulative because he knew quite well contacting your friend would get back to you. Ask your people not to chitchat with him.

Is this the same man?:

 

Edited April 26, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

You're going to have to ignore it.

Whenever something like this affects someone to the point of tears it's usually best not to go back down the rabbit hole.

[Minty33year]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I would continue moving forward and try not to look back.  He probably does miss you and feels guilty because he hurt you so he wanted to make sure you're doing okay.    I wouldn't read more into it than that because if he wanted to get back together he wouldn't have told her not to tell you.  He'd want you to know he's checking and has changed his mind.  A man just turning 30 is still very young on the parenting scale.  You don't have the time to waste that he does if you want kids.  

Okey thanks for advice, this analysis might be correct but it hurts I SO wished he could be my "knight in shining armour" coming back and proclaim his love with an engagement ring or something to "seal the deal" of setteling but he is not done being immature... or plain not in love with me enough. Either way i know its best for me to continue no contact for now... This hurt me deeply and he saw me crying a lot the last times we met for me to get my stuff back, so he is probably just feeling guilt. I hate that it can´t be MORE... more love, more commitment, anything... Anyway im gonna stop ranting about it, i know this will get me no where. But it really is sorrow and heartbreak..

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would do nothing.

He hasn't indicated that he's now ready for the type of relationship you would like, so I would take his enquiry as genuine concern about you but also an attempt to soothe his own guilt for hurting you. 

I once felt awful breaking up with an ex of mine. The image of his crying face in stayed in my mind for a long time, and I felt terrible for being the one who caused it. He was a good man. And yes, I once asked a mutual friend how he was doing after we broke up. However, I also knew I didn't want to reconcile. So, I stopped asking about him as I didn't want him to hear about it and get false hope. 

For your own well-being, I would try not to read into your ex's question. And I would ask your friends to not report back to you when he communicates with them. It will only hurt you more. 

Thanks for your response.. its true.. may i ask why you didnt want that ex good man anymore? Great men are hard to find nowadays.. And great girls like me too. Even his mom told him "good girls dont grow on trees" as if im unique and hard to find. He agrees but doesnt do much about it this sucks............
 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You made the right choice ending things. You dodged a bullet. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

He's manipulative because he knew quite well contacting your friend would get back to you. Ask your people not to chitchat with him.

Is this the same man?:

Hi, how come you think i dodged a bullet and should remove him? I havent blocked him but we deleted each other everywhere. it was one of the most painful things ive done.. to unfriend everywhere after all our long fine love texts and interactions with emojis etc.. but going no contact is healing i know this.. thats why im trying to do my best to not be too sad about it even if its unbearable and i miss the coziness of him.. but he´s just a shell now.. and we are broken up.. im trying to realize that he might never come back even if he has said "we´ll see.." but aslo that his "party period might take YEARS" yaiks! 😮 Anyway, i really wish you were wrong but i think you might be right 💔

 

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

You're going to have to ignore it.

Whenever something like this affects someone to the point of tears it's usually best not to go back down the rabbit hole.

Mm yeay.. probably this is what i should do yes..

i could barely finnish my work (at headset phone with costumers) when my friend showed their conversation. It gave me tears and i so wished he could just come back to me for real but i know it doesnt work easy like that.......

[basil67]

Some of the differences could be overcome, but you've raised the differences in money management in both threads and this would likely be a major cause of disharmony in your future.   It's quite possible that the different attitudes to money has made him disinclined to move in with you and partially influenced his decision to walk away.

Another thing which may have made him walk away is that your baby timetable very likely feels rushed to him.  I totally understand the constraints on your fertility window, but it's been only eight months together.   Waiting a few years before having a baby would be a wise choice for him.   This feedback probably isn't helping, but if you'd stayed together, I predict that there would have been significant issues around money and baby timing.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Minty33year said:

may i ask why you didnt want that ex good man anymore? Great men are hard to find nowadays.. And great girls like me too. Even his mom told him "good girls dont grow on trees" as if im unique and hard to find. He agrees but doesnt do much about it this sucks............

We had grown apart and I was too young to commit the way he wanted. In my heart, I knew we weren't life partners and I was not ready to really settle down. 

I don't believe great men are hard to find nowadays, either. That relationship ended almost 20 years ago and I have had relationships with a couple great guys in between, including my current partner of 7.5 years. He is a much better match for me in many ways, and I'm now at a point in my life where I am happy to commit for good. The scarcity mindset is a fear-based reaction to pain, I think, but there are a lot of wonderful men out there, just as there are a lot of wonderful women out there. This specific ex is now married with kids, so I can only assume he found someone better-suited for him, too. That woman just wasn't going to be me. 

Sometimes we simply know when a relationship isn't right and we're not ready for what the other person wants. That's where I believe your ex is at. You both might be great people as individuals, but not right for each other. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Minty33year said:

I SO wished he could be my "knight in shining armour" ............

 I havent blocked him but we deleted each other everywhere

Because breaking up is to end things and free yourself from an unsatisfactory situation, not a tool to change someone into what you want. 

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

I totally understand the constraints on your fertility window, but it's been only eight months together. 

OP, have you dated anyone since you broke up with this guy and are you finding out from new prospects if they want a family soon?

[glows]

This is going to sound harsh but a man who wants to be with you will likely work through all his fears to remain by your side and see to it that you build your shared dreams or goals together. That he opted out of the relationship speaks more towards incompatibility and not feeling like you're the woman for him. Any answer except an enthusiastic yes is always a no. Don't settle for less when figuring out the rest of your life with someone. 

It's better that you lose his contact as you probably don't want to be around when he dates someone else and decides to propose to her in six months. Know that sometimes it's not a match and although he cares very much for you this wasn't a match for him.