newly separated

[stateofaffairs]

My husband and I have been married almost 20 years. I was 23 when we got married, he is 10 yrs older. There is so much. I will try to make a long story as short as I can. We had our first child shortly after getting married, and I was a stay-at-home mom. Two years later had number 2. He was gone 15-16 hrs a day, so our sex life quickly plummetted because I was exhausted and did not get much help, especially during the week. I just excepted that is how it was. We moved to a new neighborhood and I found another mom that the kids and I really enjoyed, which helped a LOT. Still, he worked really long hours, but I was content. In 2007, I wanted to go back to school, so started some online courses and started driving a school bus part-time. 2010 we moved to be closer to my family so I could really focus on school. He changed careers, as could not find an architecture career there. Then, he traveled. Would be gone 36-48 hours at a time, sometimes back for 12-24 then gone again. It was rare for him to be home for more than 24 hours. I was still content. Got into mesical school out of state. First year, he stayed behind to keep working, and I took the kids with me. He would come up every 6 weeks or so for a weekend, a few times longer when he took vacation. I was still content. He moved to our location in yr 2 of that, but shortly after another job where he traveled and gone 4.5 days every week. Toward the end of med school, he stayed home so I could travel for rotations and interviews for residency. But, you see a theme. Busy, content and not spending a lot of time together.

First yr of residency was the first time ever that he had semi-normal hours, now me a resident, so... Second year calmed down and for the first time ever we were around each other a lot. Finally, got my hormones straight (ovaries gave out in 2010), and sex drive back. YAY! But, then I started withdrawing. Did not really enjoy spending time with him outside the bedroom. We had plenty of dates, most fun only when others were around. It has just not gotten better. We have nothing in common anymore other than our kids, and he is a wonderful father. Our second will graduate next year. My first job out of residency, I travel. Gone a week, home a week. All last year, he took time off to study for his architecture license so he could finally work on his own, failed 3 tests in a row, got frustrated and gave up, then took courses to become a realtor. Then, after all that, he was offered a little higher salary to go back where he was before, so he took it. I was so frustrated. A whole yr off, a lot of money spent and nothing. Over that year I withdrew from him even more. Just getting angrier.

I also have told him I want to sleep with other people. Our sex life is great. But, I just don't feel the same about him anymore and have been unable to get that in love feeling back. Kids will be gone soon and I cannot tolerate our life as it is. I need a companion I can really talk to and have things in common with. He is obviously not interested in sleeping with other people, but we did have a threesome with another female several months ago. I felt no jealousy at all. That bothered me. So, now we are just roomies that raise kids and have sex.

Jump to now. Still do not feel in love with him anymore. Not angry. Nothing. I love him, just not the way a wife should love her husband. Unfortunately, I did confide in a long-time guy friendd (who lives several states away) about all this, and we chatted a lot. I am not going to get into it, but there were a few inappropriate pictures exchanged (showing off my new boob job); his wife found them and sent to my husband. Of course then he started spting on me. There was never any intent behind that and that person and I would never actually do anything, but this has definitely not helped.

We signed a trial separation agreement just last week (in-house, separate rooms for 4 months). We are cordial with one another. But, to tell you the truth, minus the sex, it doesn't feel much different than before. We agreed to work on ourselves, finding other outlets, meeting for a date once every other week. He just started therapy this week. I have been reading self-help books, exercising more, combing therapy sources online and reading marriage counseling manuals (the doctor in me...). I just don't know after all this time that I want it back. Makes me sad, but not miss him sad... Does that make sense?

I just don't know if there is hope.

Sorry for the long story. I just need some kind of advice from a non-involved party.

[stillafool]

It sounds like there's been too much distance and resentment in your marriage and since you feel the way you do below, it's time to file for divorce and get off the fence about it.

You both will go on to find other people who are better suited for you and find happiness apart.  It's good he's a good father which will make co parenting easier.

1 hour ago, stateofaffairs said:

Still do not feel in love with him anymore. Not angry. Nothing.

 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, stateofaffairs said:

We signed a trial separation agreement just last week (in-house, separate rooms for 4 months). 

As long as you are still legally married and living together, nothing has changed.

It will be the same tension and discord, sharing the house.

You'll also both be stuck in limbo because no one is going to date anyone who's still married to and living with a spouse.

[glows]

19 hours ago, stateofaffairs said:

 

We signed a trial separation agreement just last week (in-house, separate rooms for 4 months).

The trial separation is one step closer to a divorce as you would have met any requirements for a filing for divorce down the line as long as you aren't carrying on with marital relations. I'm not sure why you're dating one another or continuing to see one another unless it's a transition period and one of you or both of you are struggling/lonely.  I'm sorry you're going through this. It doesn't sound like there's much hope in your marriage as you seem to have changed in the way you view him and lost respect for him.

[stateofaffairs]

Thank you all for your feedback. I suppose I just needed to hear it from uninvolved parties.

I do live in a state where there is no such thing as a required separation time. I could file tomorrow and be dovorced within 60 days if uncontested.

The purpose of the whole separation is to make sure that is really for the best and there are no hopes of building anything back before filing (hence the agreed upon evenong dinner once every other week). My husband started therapy yesterday. We agreed to work on ourselves during this time, figure out what makes us happy as individuals again and see if that means there could be any hope for us.

After writing it all out (my husband and I have beaten it with a dead horse), it is apparent we have grown in two different directions. I am at peace with it. It was hard telling him I was not in love with him anymore, but felt an overwhelming peace after signing our unofficial separation agreement. I know that is my answer. I am just so anxious about the whole process. Hurting the kids (although, they are older, very practical), other extended families, etc.

[spiritedaway2003]

I think if you've made peace with yourself that you need to move on, then keep that as your focus.  Sometimes a relationship can just its course.  Separation is a big change, of course, so make sure you have a support system in place.  The scary part can be that you don't know what the future holds (whether you date or find someone who is more compatible with you, or whether you will have regrets over this decision).  Is there a glimmer of hope that you want things to work out after the trial separation?  If so and that's what you are hoping for, then own it and communicate it.  If you feel like you are breathing a sigh of relief, then maybe it's a sign that you're ready to move on. 

 

Edited April 29, 2022 by spiritedaway2003

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, stateofaffairs said:

 It was hard telling him I was not in love with him anymore, but felt an overwhelming peace after signing our unofficial separation agreement.

Ok it seems you've decided on separate bedrooms but not any sort of separation or divorce.

Perhaps you'll feel happier as roommates, but you're creating a sort of prison for yourselves because you're not free yet not together.

[glows]

15 hours ago, stateofaffairs said:

Thank you all for your feedback. I suppose I just needed to hear it from uninvolved parties.

I do live in a state where there is no such thing as a required separation time. I could file tomorrow and be dovorced within 60 days if uncontested.

The purpose of the whole separation is to make sure that is really for the best and there are no hopes of building anything back before filing (hence the agreed upon evenong dinner once every other week). My husband started therapy yesterday. We agreed to work on ourselves during this time, figure out what makes us happy as individuals again and see if that means there could be any hope for us.

After writing it all out (my husband and I have beaten it with a dead horse), it is apparent we have grown in two different directions. I am at peace with it. It was hard telling him I was not in love with him anymore, but felt an overwhelming peace after signing our unofficial separation agreement. I know that is my answer. I am just so anxious about the whole process. Hurting the kids (although, they are older, very practical), other extended families, etc.

I'm reading this as a conscious uncoupling as opposed to things said or done in the heat of the moment. You're both acknowledging that you've grown apart and there's enough mutual respect and understanding to see that there are issues. He seems to be working on his issues and you're both open to seeing each other every other week.

There's a lot of sadness involved in letting go and divorcing someone. Even if you may be ready to say goodbye to that person, it's the shared dreams you might have had and parts of yourself that you were in that marriage you may find hard to let go of. That may not be the case for everyone but sharing some of my thoughts when I went through my divorce.

 

 

[vla1120]

15 hours ago, stateofaffairs said:

After writing it all out (my husband and I have beaten it with a dead horse), it is apparent we have grown in two different directions. I am at peace with it. It was hard telling him I was not in love with him anymore, but felt an overwhelming peace after signing our unofficial separation agreement. I know that is my answer. I am just so anxious about the whole process. Hurting the kids (although, they are older, very practical), other extended families, etc.

I can only offer my own experiences on this issue. My youngest was almost 18 when we separated. The oldest took it the hardest, actually. I have maintained a very good relationship with my daughters since the divorce, of course. They are now estranged from their father, however, because of the woman he started seeing before we were even separated. She became very controlling and jealous, not allowing him any contact with me. That's fine. They're all grown, though I would have liked to maintain a co-parenting relationship because co-parenting doesn't really stop when they turn 18. There have been serious issues I would have liked to discuss with him, but was unable to because of her (though I blame him). She also slowly drove a wedge between him and his daughters (again, I blame him). My bit of advice in that case is to never even introduce them to another partner unless you are planning on getting married or cohabitating. 

Extended family was also difficult because his family was the only family I had for 32 years since I lived so far away from my family. Eventually, his family (understandably) cut contact with me. Now, since he is estranged from our girls, they've also cut contact with my daughters. That was hurtful and unnecessary (though I do blame him for not fostering that connection.)

Hopefully, you and your husband will part amicably and keep everything civil for your kids and for extended family. 

[stateofaffairs]

8 hours ago, glows said:

I'm reading this as a conscious uncoupling as opposed to things said or done in the heat of the moment. You're both acknowledging that you've grown apart and there's enough mutual respect and understanding to see that there are issues. He seems to be working on his issues and you're both open to seeing each other every other week.

There's a lot of sadness involved in letting go and divorcing someone. Even if you may be ready to say goodbye to that person, it's the shared dreams you might have had and parts of yourself that you were in that marriage you may find hard to let go of. That may not be the case for everyone but sharing some of my thoughts when I went through my divorce.

 

 

Thank you for that. I saw that book and considered buying it.

[stateofaffairs]

8 hours ago, vla1120 said:

I can only offer my own experiences on this issue. My youngest was almost 18 when we separated. The oldest took it the hardest, actually. I have maintained a very good relationship with my daughters since the divorce, of course. They are now estranged from their father, however, because of the woman he started seeing before we were even separated. She became very controlling and jealous, not allowing him any contact with me. That's fine. They're all grown, though I would have liked to maintain a co-parenting relationship because co-parenting doesn't really stop when they turn 18. There have been serious issues I would have liked to discuss with him, but was unable to because of her (though I blame him). She also slowly drove a wedge between him and his daughters (again, I blame him). My bit of advice in that case is to never even introduce them to another partner unless you are planning on getting married or cohabitating. 

Extended family was also difficult because his family was the only family I had for 32 years since I lived so far away from my family. Eventually, his family (understandably) cut contact with me. Now, since he is estranged from our girls, they've also cut contact with my daughters. That was hurtful and unnecessary (though I do blame him for not fostering that connection.)

Hopefully, you and your husband will part amicably and keep everything civil for your kids and for extended family. 

I am so sorry that happened to you, and especially your girls. I really don't think he or I would do anything hateful or allow separation of our children from our lives. You never know for sure, but I don't think that would happen.

I for sure, have no interest in any serious relationship for quite some time.

I think we can split amicably. He is not a vengeful person.

I am more worried that my family will be more upset with me. They love my husband, probably more than I do/did. I cannot help the way I feel though. I cannot stay unhappy for everyone else. I know my family will get over it and support me in the long-term. My husband's parents are both dead and he only has his sister left (as far as immediate family) and she lives 1500 miles away. My family has been his family. He has no close friends that live anywhere near where we live. That is one thing that bothers me most. Again, I cannot do this for them or not do it because I feel bad/guilty for everyone else.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, stateofaffairs said:

.I am more worried that my family will be more upset with me.

Are you staying in the same house to try to work thing out? Or for economic necessity or because divorce is frowned upon in your culture?

It seems you've lost interest in him and separate bedrooms/being roommates eases the tension.

[stateofaffairs]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you staying in the same house to try to work thing out? Or for economic necessity or because divorce is frowned upon in your culture?

It seems you've lost interest in him and separate bedrooms/being roommates eases the tension.

A little of both, I suppose. He really wants to work things out. I told him I would give it a few months, working on ourselves, limiting our contact, to make sure that is really what I wanted, was a divorce. We haven't told anyone yet, including our kids. I reluctantly agreed to that, as if they can't see we are not sleeping in the same room or talking to each other at all. Granted, we never talked much anyway, outside of practicalities, but...

I suppose I am hoping by some miracle that some space and seeing him become more independent and confident again will draw me back to him. I really just don't know. I think my heart has decided, and that is a hard one to change. 

But, also yes. He does not want to move out for economic reasons. If I am being totally honest, I am worried that I would be the one forced to leave if I don't wait til my schedule changes. I am away from home half the month right now, and he takes care of the house and kids during that time. My schedule changes in August. I will be home 20 days a month then, and basically available for house and kids 24/7 the days I am home.

[vla1120]

12 hours ago, stateofaffairs said:

If I am being totally honest, I am worried that I would be the one forced to leave if I don't wait til my schedule changes. I am away from home half the month right now, and he takes care of the house and kids during that time. My schedule changes in August. I will be home 20 days a month then, and basically available for house and kids 24/7 the days I am home.

I would definitely bide your time until your schedule changes. Don't move out of the home, whatever you do!

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, stateofaffairs said:

I am away from home half the month right now, and he takes care of the house and kids during that time.

Is there someone else you're interested in? Is that why you're practicing the term "separated", even though you're not separated?

You're rarely home anyway, so moving into separate bedrooms isn't really separating it's removing sex from the equation.

[stateofaffairs]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is there someone else you're interested in? Is that why you're practicing the term "separated", even though you're not separated?

You're rarely home anyway, so moving into separate bedrooms isn't really separating it's removing sex from the equation.

No. There is no one else. I just need time to make sure this is really what I want. We are both working on ourselves during this time.

The sex is great. It needed to be removed to see if that is really all we had left between us, because let's face it, that may not/most likely won't always be there and I would hate it and regret staying if in another 5-10 years something happens to that part as well, and I regret not doing something now.

I gathered this whole idea from a book called "Taking Space" in a last ditch effort to see if there is anything left. I felt like I owed him that much instead of just serving him with divorce papers right off.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, stateofaffairs said:

 We are both working on ourselves during this time. The sex is great. I gathered this whole idea from a book called "Taking Space" in a last ditch effort to see if there is anything left.

Why not try marriage therapy? That way you can both lay your cards on the table with a qualified neutral professional.

Do you think a DIY approach helps? Do either of you have untreated physical or mental health issues or midlife crisis or fear of missing out?

You seem to have a lot of "space" already since you work away from him. So it does seem odd to need more space and to be separated but not separated.

Why exactly do you want to separate from him? What's the impasse? What are the unresolvable conflicts about? It seems you need him for childcare and finances, no?

[glows]

On 4/30/2022 at 6:54 AM, stateofaffairs said:

A little of both, I suppose. He really wants to work things out. I told him I would give it a few months, working on ourselves, limiting our contact, to make sure that is really what I wanted, was a divorce. We haven't told anyone yet, including our kids. I reluctantly agreed to that, as if they can't see we are not sleeping in the same room or talking to each other at all. Granted, we never talked much anyway, outside of practicalities, but...

I suppose I am hoping by some miracle that some space and seeing him become more independent and confident again will draw me back to him. I really just don't know. I think my heart has decided, and that is a hard one to change. 

But, also yes. He does not want to move out for economic reasons. If I am being totally honest, I am worried that I would be the one forced to leave if I don't wait til my schedule changes. I am away from home half the month right now, and he takes care of the house and kids during that time. My schedule changes in August. I will be home 20 days a month then, and basically available for house and kids 24/7 the days I am home.

Sadly in regards to the bold portion here, the threat or thought of the other spouse thinking of separation and divorce is unlikely to inspire independence and confidence. That might have been shattered to the core in many individuals. While you debate with yourself about whether to pull the plug he also waits in your mercy because he wants more out of the relationship than you're willing to give right now, or ever. I'm not saying this to discourage you from your current path but you may not be seeing how your actions or thoughts affect your partner also. I don't see the other person rising to this challenge successfully and becoming who you want him to be when under such duress.

I agree that marriage counselling or having a neutral third party referee or open up more conversation from both sides so both sides are heard might increase the chances of the marriage working. Currently, this doesn't look good. 

[stateofaffairs]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not try marriage therapy? That way you can both lay your cards on the table with a qualified neutral professional.

Do you think a DIY approach helps? Do either of you have untreated physical or mental health issues or midlife crisis or fear of missing out?

You seem to have a lot of "space" already since you work away from him. So it does seem odd to need more space and to be separated but not separated.

Why exactly do you want to separate from him? What's the impasse? What are the unresolvable conflicts about? It seems you need him for childcare and finances, no?

There are no physical issues. He did become depressed last year when he did not do well on his exams. He is getting therapy. 

My problem is that after spending more time with him, I realized that beyond kids, we have nothing in common. I do not need him at all financially. I make 5 xs his current salary. He has said on multiple occasions that I am his retirement plan...which I resent. He knows that, but still says this. He has become extremely dependent on me, which is far from the man I married. 

I did want to open our marriage, and of course that caused him a lot more anxiety. Even though I could see how badly that affected him, and it would not be a good thing for him or us, he was still willing to try it to hang on to me. I just cannot do something like that to make life more interesting/fun for myself, making him miserable in the process. That is no good for anyone. The more I felt I wanted to be able to explore, the more I realized that I was really feeling that we had become more roommates than married, or I would not want those things. It is complicated. And he deserves to be with someone that appreciates him, respects him and wants to be with only him. 

I am reading lots of resources, books, slef-help books. If I decide on therapy, it would be out of pocket and on the down low to avoid any type of professional backlash. My professional organization says it supports mental health, but fact is, you are supposed to report it and they would require more information. I have to try to work on myself through readings, exercises, support groups that are anonymous, etc first. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, stateofaffairs said:

He did become depressed last year when he did not do well on his exams. He is getting therapy. 

I make 5 xs his current salary. He has said on multiple occasions that I am his retirement plan...which I resent.

He's is sort of a part-time stay at home dad when you're away? Are you afraid you'll have to pay alimony and child support? 

[stateofaffairs]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's is sort of a part-time stay at home dad when you're away? Are you afraid you'll have to pay alimony and child support? 

He works a full-time job. He is just able to be there in the afternoon and weekend, so more available than I am at this time, which is why I have to wait until I change to my on 5/off 10 schedule change. I know I will have to pay child support regardless, even if our one under 18 is with me more than half the time..  Our other child is 19 already, in college.

I am not sure about spousal support because I don't think I could really afford it. My school loans are outrageous. If I agree to take all those on by myself, spousal support would be off the table. I have talked unofficially to an attorney friend, and that person said that was reasonable.

 

[stateofaffairs]

8 minutes ago, stateofaffairs said:

He works a full-time job. He is just able to be there in the afternoon and weekend, so more available than I am at this time, which is why I have to wait until I change to my on 5/off 10 schedule change. I know I will have to pay child support regardless, even if our one under 18 is with me more than half the time..  Our other child is 19 already, in college.

I am not sure about spousal support because I don't think I could really afford it. My school loans are outrageous. If I agree to take all those on by myself, spousal support would be off the table. I have talked unofficially to an attorney friend, and that person said that was reasonable.

 

It would, however, kill me to not have my kids at least half-time, and if I pursued divorce now, I am afraid that would be exactly what would happen. I would like to work it out to be an, at least, 50/50. I miss them A LOT as it is while on 7/off 7, away from home.

And, our original plan (2 years ago) was for him to be able to make up the salary difference by (taking 6 months to a year off) actually passing those tests and getting his license, which he failed to do, so I could take a job closer to home, and take a big salary cut. I can't do that now.