Affair is over but I am in love with AP!

[Confused8647]

I have read a lot of threads and I know my story is not unique!!

 

I met OW at work about 6 years ago. She is engaged and has 2 young children. I am married with children and have been for about 16 years.

What started off as a drunken kiss after a work event 6 years ago led to a couple of drunken kisses over the past 6 years, until about a 2 years ago.

We started talking and messaging everyday. Speaking for hours at a time.
 

This led to meeting up at all times of day and nights to finally spending days out, nights together. I know everyone says this but I have never met anyone like her, it’s not Limmerance but love. We get on and it’s not even the physical side that is amazing it is everything. She was the first one to say I love you, and we have had the most incredible times. She has though broken it off about 4 or 5 times because she felt guilty and terrible. We are now off and have been for about 5 months but in that time have met at work events and slept together a couple of times. I know longer work with her but can’t stop thinking about her. It has totally consumed me and although I know I need to let her go, as she has chosen to stay with her partner and kids, I miss her so much, all day everyday I think of her, wonder about her. I have never felt this strong about anyone or anything even though I am in my late 40’s. My BS has suspected over the year that something was up and although I know I am being a coward and selfish I have not told her or asked for a D. We are really bad at communicating as neither like confrontations but I know I need to let my wife go and find happiness. I am not looking for sympathy but just needed to put down my thoughts as I can’t think straight.
 

I know I want to be on my own and work on myself and let everyone be happy. I’m not scared of being on my own, I’m just scared about hurting my BS and children who love me. I know this is very selfish and I should be honest with everyone and I am a coward for not doing so, and may be DD is coming, when I know I have to be honest with everyone as I am miserable at home and it’s not their fault. I stay at work late just so I don’t have to go home and be miserable.

 

It has been a week of NC as I honestly don’t know what to say to AP. I have tried to be nice, loving, kind, helpful but she clearly doesn’t want to continue which I am desperately trying to respect. I just miss her and hoped we could try and be friends or have some contact but that is looking less likely and it is killed me. I know time may heal and I know I need to give myself time to grieve, but I just want these thoughts and pain to stop.

As I said I am not looking for any sympathy and I know a lot of comments will be about how I’ve treated everyone and I am not trying to be selfish and this may come across like this. I always thought of myself as a good guy, work hard, kind, caring, helpful at work, running soccer clubs, raising money for charity, when in fact I know I am a despicable human being who doesn’t deserve happiness and is hurting everyone around them.

Sorry for going on, I know this is not unique and I know I have been horrible to my family and BS but I honestly feel like she is the one, the love of my life, the one person I would do anything for. Yes I know that should be for my BS but it isn’t and I can’t help, how I think or feel…………Help!

[Wiseman2]

Do you still see each other at work? Did her fiance threaten to dump her? 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss any midlife issues including depression, anxiety and ED. Get tested for STDs.

Ask for an referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Privately and confidentiality discuss your unhappy marriage and the wisdom of telling your wife or simply divorcing,etc.

Try to avoid silly memes like "Limerence", from infidelity specific sites when obsession and cheating are more accurate terms

Get professional advice before you ruin a bunch of lives.

Edited April 28, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Will am I]

There's one part of the story you need to clarify. From the first romantic encounter ("drunken kiss") as many as 6 years have passed. You also say that OW is engaged to be married and has two young children. Was she still single at the time and did she actuallty start a family with another partner while you were already in an affair? 

I think the two of you have each been walking on two roads at the same time. You: remaining the husband and father while in an affair. She: starting a family while in an affair. That must be extremely stressful to do for such a long time. 

I know how hard it is to think straight when you are in an affair. The stress and the infatuation both take away clarity. I hope this forum will help you as it is helping me to clear up my own thinking. Open yourself up to different perspectives and try to find out how the cards are really stacked in your marriage, affair and in your own soul.

Another thought: comparing AP with BS is never a fair comparison. AP is all about being in love feeling good and doing nice stuff together and making out and maybe even having sex. BS is all about responsibilities and somethimes they dull out the romance. Imagine being X years married and in a family with children, OW as your wife. Everything nice but dull and not very romantic foor years. Then you meet someone at work: the person who is now your wife. And that person becomes your OW. Would you choose the same way? Or would your wife be the love of your life in that imagination?

If what you say is true, and OW is indeed the love of your life, then you are in a lot of trouble. Maybe you will always regret it of you didn't pursue that relationship and missed out on the love of your life. Imagine being 80 yars old, looking back and regretting. But the alternative is also troublesome. To marry your OW will be a very rocky road. It has divorce, alimony and child support, possibly alienation from your children, compound families, friends and relatives who will judge you etc. Do you really want to go there? I imagine you may lose pretty much all you have, and end up being the stepfather in a family that is not of your choosing except for your second wife.

You weren't looking for sympathy. You have mine. No doubt there was a lot of wrongdoing but right now you are in such a difficult position.

[Confused8647]

Both

Thank you for your quick replies.

We no longer work together anymore, I have moved offices although are in the same organisation.

She was already engaged with children when this started and as far as I am aware has no actual plans to marry. I am not her first AP, but that aside I have never felt this strong about Anyone and it is not just the excitement, it’s more to do with the things we have in common, we have so many things and although i have tried not to, it’s impossible not to compare the two. I accept I loved my wife once and she is a lovely women and brilliant mother but we are opposites in so many ways and at a time that was ok, I just feel I have changed over the years and we want different things.

As I say all this seems immaterial at the moment as the AP knows how I feel, I told her more than once when we last saw each other a week ago, and when I told her I loved her, she didn’t even reply. When I’ve tried to make arrangements to see her, she made excuses and said it’s not appropriate. 
I know I have to let her go, decided what I want to do with my life for the sake of my BS and children, it just seems so overwhelming and scary.

Edited April 28, 2022 by Confused8647
Spelling

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

I accept I loved my wife once and she is a lovely women and brilliant mother but we are opposites in so many ways and at a time that was ok, I just feel I have changed over the years and we want different things.

 When I’ve tried to make arrangements to see her, she made excuses and said it’s not appropriate. 

"Not appropriate" is not "an excuse". It's a fact.

See a physician and therapist for help with your obsession. Do not stalk or harass this woman. If you get a restraining order issued, your wife will find out.

 Either way also consult an attorney to discuss your options in divorce. Having affairs is not the solution to unhappy marriages.

[stillafool]

Well if the OW is also in love with you is she willing to leave her partner to be with you if you're free?   If so, you need to tell your wife the truth and start the process of divorce and co-parenting.  There is no easy way out of this or a way to prevent people from getting hurt.   Truth is even if OW doesn't want to be with you you should leave your wife because you aren't in love with her.  It will be difficult for everyone involved for a while but hopefully your wife and OW's partner will find a happier life also once you guys are gone.  I wonder if OW's partner knows about her previous affairs.  Why is she engaged at all?  You can't have a happy relationship living with people who are cheating on you with someone else.

Edited April 28, 2022 by stillafool

[RebeccaR]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Not appropriate" is not "an excuse". It's a fact.

See a physician and therapist for help with your obsession. Do not stalk or harass this woman. If you get a restraining order issued, your wife will find out.

 Either way also consult an attorney to discuss your options in divorce. Having affairs is not the solution to unhappy marriages.

You are actually fortunate that she’s telling you not to pursue her anymore. Often the door is left open and APs continue on an unsatisfying and unhealthy path to nowhere. If someone told me not to pursue them, that would be pretty definitive and that would shut the door.

[Will am I]

What AP seems to be doing is breaking the affair where she can only be the OW. She may be open for real commitment. 

I wonder: how can you be engaged to be married for six years and not have real plans to get married? So commitment seems to be a rough spot for her. Maybe somethings didn't go so well in her life growing up.

[Confused8647]

Stillafool

I don’t know how she feels as she, although I suspect she has feelings for me but has chosen to stay with her partner and children. I’m respecting that, which is why I have not reached out to her this week. It’s only been a week since we last saw each other and that was in bed, since then I’ve heard nothing from her and TBH am scared to reach out as for once I don’t know what to say. I sense all the feeling from her side has gone, as there are no romantic messages or even any messages or calls asking how I am. I find myself thinking back to a few weeks ago when we hadn’t spoke for a week or so and she messaged she missed me. I know I shouldn’t hang on to hope or comments like that, but having gone from speaking every day to now not at all, I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and am lost.

[Confused8647]

RebeccaR

I honestly would give everything up for this woman. I would provide for my BS and children. They can have the house, I just want to be wanted and loved, but I guess the whole point of this post is that the woman I love and believe is the one, does not feel the same anymore. She is scared and has told me in the past she loved me, and she wanted me to wait for her, but this has now changed, to next to no communication and no feeling on her part…..I know what is happening and when I last saw her I told her, I will always love her, and she didn’t even reply. 

Edited April 28, 2022 by Confused8647

[Will am I]

There's a limit to how long a woman can wait for her love.

[Confused8647]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

There's a limit to how long a woman can wait for her love.

I know I should move on and let her and her family be, it is just so hard. We’ve never spoken about leaving our partners, or had those type of conversations. She was always more guarded and I was always more or too open with my feelings.

[mark clemson]

This is not a recommendation, but if you really want to leave your wife and believe that is what you "should" do, you can always just do it. Since right now you are "hung up on" the xOW, you may want to consider waiting until you can make a more rational decision.

Limerence is not a meme, it's a very real (if somewhat uncommon) phenomenon. However, in our culture we don't let emotional states (even extremely strong ones) become "excuses" for behavior, or we end up excusing e.g. road rage, revenge killings, thefts by drug addicts, and a whole host of other problematic things.

You might consider seeing a therapist for what appears IMO to be excessive and unwarranted guilt over your affair. Limerence (if you have it) has a way of causing thoughts that generate "poignant drama" and perhaps your excessive guilt is a facet of that. It's also possible you haven't been particularly emotionally healthy in a while and this has been reflected your marriage and general life. If that's the case, from what you describe I suspect there's some element of that in your wife as well as "broken attracts broken" + it takes two to build a marriage and you are both staying in it. It's possible you both unconsciously feel comfortable in a moderately dysfunctional situation.

Edited April 28, 2022 by mark clemson

[Confused8647]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

This is not a recommendation, but if you really want to leave your wife and believe that is what you "should" do, you can always just do it. Since right now you are "hung up on" the xOW, you may want to consider waiting until you can make a more rational decision.

Limerence is not a meme, it's a very real (if somewhat uncommon) phenomenon. However, in our culture we don't let emotional states (even extremely strong ones) become "excuses" for behavior, or we end up excusing e.g. road rage, revenge killings, thefts by drug addicts, and a whole host of other problematic things.

You might consider seeing a therapist for what appears IMO to be excessive and unwarranted guilt over your affair. Limerence (if you have it) has a way of causing thoughts that generate "poignant drama" and perhaps your excessive guilt is a facet of that. It's also possible you haven't been particularly emotionally healthy in a while and this has been reflected your marriage and general life. If that's the case, from what you describe I suspect there's some element of that in your wife as well as "broken attracts broken" + it takes two to build a marriage and you are both staying in it. It's possible you both unconsciously feel comfortable in a moderately dysfunctional situation.

Mark

Thank you for your reply. I know I need to leave my wife, it’s just scary and hard, as have children together and finances all tied up. I know if I leave I need to do it for myself. I need to start being honest with myself and everyone around me. 
Are there any tips for getting over AP, other than time and space.

[Will am I]

If there were no AP, would you still feel inclined to leave BS?

(not asking if BS is inclined to leave you. this is about getting your head straight in the turmoil, not about your options).

[Starswillshine]

You stated this is not the OW's first affair? 

This speaks that she has an insecurity issue, and if you had your wish granted, soon enough you would find out the pain that your BS will feel.... 

Sorry, but someone involved in another relationship who has had previous affairs and does not want to leave is NOT the one. Stop romanticing what this is and what SHE is. 

[torn_heart]

Hear me, you can see my threads: RUN from OW

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

Are there any tips for getting over AP, other than time and space.

Limerence and breakups generally mostly require exactly that. Distractions, and engaging in new activities where you "create a life/move on with your life" without the other person may help as could safely exercising, socializing with friends, and spending time in nature. These things can help "take the edge off" breakup blues.

Making it essentially impossible to see the other person can supposedly sometimes help a lot as well, although I don't think there's a guarantee that will work.

[torn_heart]

Trying to elaborate:

My OW also had other affairs, her previous relationship also started as an affair and she cheated her last 2 BF, the last one with me and I believe she cheated on me. This was my first affair in all my life (39y).

You'll kick yourself to drop wour W for this OW, I dont know if you can salvage your relationship, but my advice is that you leave OW, it hurts a lot, give some time to see if you can save the relationship with W without OW noise, if after some months you can't, just leave.

Believe me, don't get in a relationship with someone who seeks this type of relationships.

[Confused8647]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

If there were no AP, would you still feel inclined to leave BS?

(not asking if BS is inclined to leave you. this is about getting your head straight in the turmoil, not about your options).

Will am I, at this moment I feel I need to leave the BS. I’m not making excuses I’ve not been happy for a number of years and have always felt that I want more out of life. That will sound incredibly selfish as I don’t want to hurt my W or the children, but the times I have spent with the OW were incredible, I know everyone says that as it’s not real life but I honestly haven’t felt like this about anyone. 

[Confused8647]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

You stated this is not the OW's first affair? 

This speaks that she has an insecurity issue, and if you had your wish granted, soon enough you would find out the pain that your BS will feel.... 

Sorry, but someone involved in another relationship who has had previous affairs and does not want to leave is NOT the one. Stop romanticing what this is and what SHE is. 

I know she had broken it off with me a number of times and yet hear I am pining, hoping, looking for any sign or indication. She can be quite strong willed, so I doubt I will hear from her again. That is the bit that hurts as we were friends first, best friends, so close and have been through a lot. I wish we could remain friends and just talk, but at the moment I can’t seem to find the words to just have a normal conversation 

[Confused8647]

37 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Trying to elaborate:

My OW also had other affairs, her previous relationship also started as an affair and she cheated her last 2 BF, the last one with me and I believe she cheated on me. This was my first affair in all my life (39y).

You'll kick yourself to drop wour W for this OW, I dont know if you can salvage your relationship, but my advice is that you leave OW, it hurts a lot, give some time to see if you can save the relationship with W without OW noise, if after some months you can't, just leave.

Believe me, don't get in a relationship with someone who seeks this type of relationships.

Thank you. The hurt at times is unbearable. I truly love her and I’m in love with her. That’s why it’s so hard to think there may be a future at some point. I’m trying my best to think of her partner and kids and wanting them to be happy. I am trying to tell myself that if I love her, then I have to let her go and be with her family……it’s just so hard 

[Confused8647]

52 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Limerence and breakups generally mostly require exactly that. Distractions, and engaging in new activities where you "create a life/move on with your life" without the other person may help as could safely exercising, socializing with friends, and spending time in nature. These things can help "take the edge off" breakup blues.

Making it essentially impossible to see the other person can supposedly sometimes help a lot as well, although I don't think there's a guarantee that will work.

I haven’t blocked her on Social Media, but I’ve actually deleted all my social media apps as seeing her on line or posting or liking other peoples posts really upsets me and makes my heart jump. Over the last 6 months I’ve deleted then added her number so many times when she upsets me. I’ve been too soft with her and too available and that also hasn’t helped!! It’s been a week and I desperately want to message her but can’t find the words!

[torn_heart]

21 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

Thank you. The hurt at times is unbearable. I truly love her and I’m in love with her. That’s why it’s so hard to think there may be a future at some point. I’m trying my best to think of her partner and kids and wanting them to be happy. I am trying to tell myself that if I love her, then I have to let her go and be with her family……it’s just so hard 

I feel you, I also feel the love with OW. But believe me, it's better to let it go earlier. I really feel our cases are very similar, I'm just a little bit more down the road. I fell in love with her, with her kids, everything, but at first she put a lof of preassure in me while I was with my GF, and my GF was depressed because she was let go at her job and other things and I couldn't leave her at that moment. 

When I was without GF, OW started to be distant, when we met everything was amazing, best relationship ever, but when we weren't it was too much stress. My therapist keeps telling me she has many narcissistic features (not a full one) and is emtionally abusive, that's why I'm so attached to her. 

If something I've said feels familiar, and want to know more, please let me know, I really wish to help.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

I’ve deleted then added her number so many times when she upsets me. 

This seems like you are confusing intensity with intimacy. Sort of a wild roller coater ride. Perhaps to feel alive again in a dead marriage or to feel young again in midlife crisis.

Whatever it is, it was not love. It was the chaos/risk like gambling. And now your craving like an addiction. You miss your distraction from your unhappy marriage and dull life.

You realize this is not about the mistress, it's about being dead inside and thrill seeking. See a physician to assess depression, anxiety, etc.