Affair is over but I am in love with AP!

[Justanaverageguy]

This might seem like an odd post but I've found when speaking to people in similar situations it helps if they can begin to really understand "why" they feel such intense feelings and emotional pull to their affair partner (especially when it ends) compared to other relationships. I find when they can kind of remove themselves and temporarily detach themselves from the emotions and take a step back and look at it from a kind of third person perspective and understand what's happening to them emotionally - the seperation from the emotional experience allows them to look at it very differently and the absurdity of it (when they see and understand it) helps to accelerate severing the emotional tie and moving on. I also find it's helpful to stop them repeating the same mistake again. Many people can become "addicted" to the thrill of affairs and continually go back to them because of the heightened emotions. People usually refer to this "special connection" they didn't feel with others. But it's more about "the how" they got together then the who .... and this can maybe help to explain that and mitigate in future.

So the expirement to help understand this. Think of your absolute favourite food and let's use it as a metaphor for the affair partner (and also more generally for the opposite gender).

Just as an example let's say your favourite food is chocolate cake and let's use it as the example. When you think about chocolate cake you probably think hmm I would like to have a slice of cake but the desire and pull isn't that strong right?  You can push it off relatively easily and move onto other thoughts and tasks without obsessing over the cake/food. 

But the "desire level" for cake can be changed very easily if we do some simple things. Like I said you can legit try this as an experiment and it might really help you to see and experience this in action yourself. Takes about 1 hour also works best with 2 people but you can try it on your own and rely on self control.

1. Put your favourite food within reach.

Plan for your meal time and don't eat anything before hand so your hungry and really want food and then while hungry go and buy your favourite food - in this example chocolate cake. Bring it in and sit it on your bench sit down with it directly in front of you .... but don't eat any or allow yourself to eat any while sitting there looking at it for a set period of time.  Say 20mins. See how the emotional desire and "hunger" for that food changes and suddenly you really REALLY want chocolate cake. Where as before you could push off the desire for it relatively easily the increased hunger and proximity but not being able to eat it now makes that more difficult and the cake seems far more desirable then previously. How that desire can now start to be almost overwhelming and even all consuming. 

2. Allow yourself to interact with the cake but don't eat it. (This works best with a second person but try it with self control)

After 20mins allow yourself to cut the cake. Pick up a slice and hold it in your hand but don't eat it.  But you can smell the cake. Maybe even put it up to your lips so you can taste it. But again don't take a bite or swallow any of it. Then sit there for another 20mins with the cake still directly in front of you. Every 5mins pick up the piece again and re interact with it.  But again don't eat it. (This is essentially a metaphor for "foreplay" designed to heighten desire / hunger)

3. Take the smallest smallest taste

Next cut the tiniest sliver off the cake. Very very small piece just enough to barely taste it and take it and eat it. Then take no more. Sit in front of the cake again for another 20mins and interact with it just like in step 2 every 5 mins without eating.

4.  Repeat this for another few hours if you really want to drive yourself completely insane. 😂😂

^^^^^This is essentially a form of torture and it is recreating the experience of an affair with food. It is manipulating your appetite "desires" in an unhealthy and unatiral way to deliberately heighten and activate them but never properly satiate them. Over time it creates an un natural overwhelming obsessive compulsion towards the food/cake from the hungry person sitting in front of it. Some people start to feel literal pain in their body if they can't get the food.  They can't think or function at all. All they can think about is the cake. Most people won't even complete the expirement properly - they just cave and eat the cake or leave and go buy food. But if you have someone doing it with you who is  playing the role of "affair partner" and forcibly depriving you from the food and controlling when you can have it and how much you can have of it -  it will legit make you "act crazy". Irrational. People will begin: Bargaining. Pleading. Yelling. It can get real weird if you actually do this experement properly over a decent length of time with 2 people. 

The real kicker though is at the end after a couple of hours of food torture you have a third person come in and you give the food to them to eat in front of the "torture victim." 

If you don't tell the person who's going through the food torture what the experiment is before hand its even worse.

But this is what you have been doing. By entering into the affair you essentially unwittingly signed up to be manipulated just like the food torture victim in the above experiment who had the food waved in front of their nose for hours without ever getting to eat it properly.  Then the food got taken off the table. That's why you feel the way you do now. 

Like others have said. Don't make important life decisions at this point while still in the heightened emotional state. The best thing to do right now is recognise what has happened - the way your emotions and desires have been. Heightened and manipulated and realise that the only healthy thing you can do right now is stop participating in the food torture experiment. Go no contact. Get the food out of you vacinity and stop interacting with it. Then give yourself some time and find healthy ways to distract yourself while the effects wear off. 

If your sporty now is the time to start hitting the gym or get some friends involved in a team sport or regular meetup. Find activities to occupy yourself and overtime the intensity of feelings are going to fade and you will return to "normal". 

Wish you the best - and believe me it will get better and easier. Just breathe and give yourself time and space and then look at working on family relationships from a healthier space.

 

 

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Justanaverageguy

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

 I deserve better. 

Perhaps you are in your own head too much. It almost seems like the only person you care about is you and what people can do for you. Whether it's thrills or taking care of business at home. There's a distinct sense of entitlement in that you're unhappy about what your lover decided and you're unhappy about the consequences of divorce..

 

[Confused8647]

Spirited thank you so much for your post. It is really good knowing what others have gone through and have come out the other end. It is really helpful. Thank you so much

[spiritedaway2003]

Glad it helped a bit.  It's a lonely place to be and it's far more painful than most people realize (nor will many empathize, though understandably).  That's how I know that advice like "you need to work on your family"  doesn't mean that you can immediately get out of the hole you're in -even if you know on another level that is true.  If it saves you some time, I'd also add that even well meaning advice like you need to work on hobbies might not work either.  For what it's worth, I've led a full life and hobbies does help to distract temporarily (and maybe that's the relief you need short term).  I've quickly discovered that they cannot mask/replace the emotional internal work that needs to happen.  The only way is through.  Right now, be thankful that that you haven't gone through a DD (that is very destabilizing for all and will also hurt your spouse to the core).

Take all advice given with a grain of salt (including mine).  At the end of the day, they are only advice.  You need to find you again.  Find your center again and you'll be able to make decisions with more clarity.

Best of luck in your journey in finding truth and authenticity, wherever that life takes you. 

Edited May 2, 2022 by spiritedaway2003

[Confused8647]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps you are in your own head too much. It almost seems like the only person you care about is you and what people can do for you. Whether it's thrills or taking care of business at home. There's a distinct sense of entitlement in that you're unhappy about what your lover decided and you're unhappy about the consequences of divorce..

 

Wiseman I may be in my head too much but that’s because surely before I can do anything about anyone I need to sort myself out. I honestly can’t explain how or why the AP is in my head so much or what it is about her that makes me think about her so much. I am in my 40’s, have had lots of partners but I have never felt or thought about this person more than I have about anyone else.

[Confused8647]

2 hours ago, smallclouds88 said:

why have you and your ap kept each others numbers? i hope youre feeling ok today.

We have similar interests and sometime she will message me about that whether it’s the offer of tickets or something. From my point of view by deleting her number and blocking her is a final admission that for now it is over which I have been avoiding for so long

[Confused8647]

1 hour ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Glad it helped a bit.  It's a lonely place to be and it's far more painful than most people realize (nor will many empathize, though understandably).  That's how I know that advice like "you need to work on your family"  doesn't mean that you can immediately get out of the hole you're in -even if you know on another level that is true.  If it saves you some time, I'd also add that even well meaning advice like you need to work on hobbies might not work either.  For what it's worth, I've led a full life and hobbies does help to distract temporarily (and maybe that's the relief you need short term).  I've quickly discovered that they cannot mask/replace the emotional internal work that needs to happen.  The only way is through.  Right now, be thankful that that you haven't gone through a DD (that is very destabilizing for all and will also hurt your spouse to the core).

Take all advice given with a grain of salt (including mine).  At the end of the day, they are only advice.  You need to find you again.  Find your center again and you'll be able to make decisions with more clarity.

Best of luck in your journey in finding truth and authenticity, wherever that life takes you. 

Spirited to be honest your comments have actually meant more to me than any of the others. I appreciate everyone’s comments and views which is why I am here for support and advice. Your posts resonate with me so much. I feel so incredibly alone which I know is selfish as I have a BS and children. I hope I can get through this, but I know if I was contacted by AP I’m not strong enough to resist. She is blocked now so that may never happen. Reading your posts has really helped. Thank you 

[torn_heart]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, so now you're walking while obsessing, but you're still in the same unhappy marriage.

As someone said, he shouldn't make decisions about his marriage in the middle of a separation anxiety period. The skies need to clear a little.

Edited May 2, 2022 by torn_heart

[BaileyB]

33 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

As someone said, he shouldn't make decisions about his marriage in the middle of a separation anxiety period. The skies need to clear a little.

He needs to get into individual counselling. There is a lot to unpack here - why he involved himself in such an inappropriate relationship, why he felt it was acceptable to hurt and disrespect his wife and children in this way, why he allowed this woman to disrespect him, why he is so obsessed with this woman that he has lost all perspective in his life. And then, there is his role and responsibility for the current state of his marriage. At some point, he can begin to explore whether he wants to stay in his marriage or not. And, if he chooses to recommit to his wife and family - that’s when the real work begins. This is a process that will take years, not weeks. But, it begins with a single phone call… to a counsellor. Regardless of what you decide for the future of your marriage OP, the most important thing is that you have some serious self reflection and personal growth to do - very separate from your marital problems or lack thereof. 

Edited May 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

I agree that in this emotional state one should not make any big life decisions. But also one shouldn't spin their wheels and not go anywhere. After my d-day I wallowed for a short time, about a week. But then I pulled my big girl pants on and started to deal with the mess and pain I had caused with my choices.

Bailey has some key questions to ask yourself. Why did you think your actions were okay? Why did you think it was okay to disrespect your wife, your marriage, even yourself? These are not easy questions to answer, and if you have an easy answer, then you are probably not digging deep enough. My husband called it "peeling the onion." When in the aftermath of the affair I went to him with some revelations I had, he said: Ok. Now peel the onion more. It would make me so mad, but he was right. I peeled the heck out of that onion and it took time and effort and pain but resulted in my being a much healthier, more authentic person.

Listen, looking in the mirror and saying "I'm the bad guy in this situation" is not easy or pleasant. But it is key to start on the path of taking full responsibility for one's actions. It's so much easier to deflect or blameshift but that does not allow one to get to the root of the issue and prevent it from happening again.

Confused, it is a long road but it is worth the effort. Good luck to you.

[Confused8647]

5 hours ago, torn_heart said:

As someone said, he shouldn't make decisions about his marriage in the middle of a separation anxiety period. The skies need to clear a little.

Thank you. I agree I can’t make any final decisions yet

[Confused8647]

3 hours ago, Bittersweetie said:

I agree that in this emotional state one should not make any big life decisions. But also one shouldn't spin their wheels and not go anywhere. After my d-day I wallowed for a short time, about a week. But then I pulled my big girl pants on and started to deal with the mess and pain I had caused with my choices.

Bailey has some key questions to ask yourself. Why did you think your actions were okay? Why did you think it was okay to disrespect your wife, your marriage, even yourself? These are not easy questions to answer, and if you have an easy answer, then you are probably not digging deep enough. My husband called it "peeling the onion." When in the aftermath of the affair I went to him with some revelations I had, he said: Ok. Now peel the onion more. It would make me so mad, but he was right. I peeled the heck out of that onion and it took time and effort and pain but resulted in my being a much healthier, more authentic person.

Listen, looking in the mirror and saying "I'm the bad guy in this situation" is not easy or pleasant. But it is key to start on the path of taking full responsibility for one's actions. It's so much easier to deflect or blameshift but that does not allow one to get to the root of the issue and prevent it from happening again.

Confused, it is a long road but it is worth the effort. Good luck to you.

I never said I thought my actions were ok, or I had actually put any thoughts into my BS when I was in the A. During the A the connection and time spent even talking with the AP was amazing. It was never about the physical stuff it was having someone who at times I thought was my best friend. I’m sorry to say that I don’t think that way of my BS and can’t remember if I ever did. How did you only wallow for a week. I can’t turn off my emotions just like that. 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Confused8647

[Bittersweetie]

33 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

I never said I thought my actions were ok, or I had actually put any thoughts into my BS when I was in the A. During the A the connection and time spent even talking with the AP was amazing. It was never about the physical stuff it was having someone who at times I thought was my best friend. I’m sorry to say that I don’t think that way of my BS and can’t remember if I ever did. How did you only wallow for a week. I can’t turn off my emotions just like that. 

You talk about your connection with your AP, and my question is, why did you think it was okay to pursue that connection? Why did you see her as your best friend and not your wife? And even though you may have thought your actions were not ok, why did you continue to pursue them? That is where you need to go. There is no black and white answer to these questions, but thinking deeply about the whys behind your actions help with determining the whys of your choices.

My affair ended about four months before my d-day. By then my feelings for xMM had faded. However, after d-day, I did find myself thinking about xMM a lot and wondering about him. I was like, why am I thinking about him? I don't want anything to do with him. I realized I was thinking about xMM as an escape from my own reality, the destruction I had caused with my own actions. Maybe this is something you are doing also? Facing your future is hard so instead you are obsessing about your AP and her choices. Just throwing that idea out there.

Edited May 2, 2022 by Bittersweetie

[Confused8647]

35 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

You talk about your connection with your AP, and my question is, why did you think it was okay to pursue that connection? Why did you see her as your best friend and not your wife? And even though you may have thought your actions were not ok, why did you continue to pursue them? That is where you need to go. There is no black and white answer to these questions, but thinking deeply about the whys behind your actions help with determining the whys of your choices.

My affair ended about four months before my d-day. By then my feelings for xMM had faded. However, after d-day, I did find myself thinking about xMM a lot and wondering about him. I was like, why am I thinking about him? I don't want anything to do with him. I realized I was thinking about xMM as an escape from my own reality, the destruction I had caused with my own actions. Maybe this is something you are doing also? Facing your future is hard so instead you are obsessing about your AP and her choices. Just throwing that idea out there.

That’s a very good point, but your feelings had changed, as has my AP. Her feelings have changed like yours, but my feelings haven’t yet. I am trying to accept I have to move on and get over my AP and focus on whether my M is worth saving. That is what I am now trying to do, although I have no idea where to start. I have had a nice day with my kids which has taken my mind off of things. But now all alone again my mind is constantly running and thinking!

Edited May 2, 2022 by Confused8647

[Confused8647]

37 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

You talk about your connection with your AP, and my question is, why did you think it was okay to pursue that connection? Why did you see her as your best friend and not your wife? And even though you may have thought your actions were not ok, why did you continue to pursue them? That is where you need to go. There is no black and white answer to these questions, but thinking deeply about the whys behind your actions help with determining the whys of your choices.

My affair ended about four months before my d-day. By then my feelings for xMM had faded. However, after d-day, I did find myself thinking about xMM a lot and wondering about him. I was like, why am I thinking about him? I don't want anything to do with him. I realized I was thinking about xMM as an escape from my own reality, the destruction I had caused with my own actions. Maybe this is something you are doing also? Facing your future is hard so instead you are obsessing about your AP and her choices. Just throwing that idea out there.

Do you have any contact with your ex MM? Did he ever try and reach out? Why did your feelings change?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Confused8647 said:

I don’t think me and the AP can work as much as that actually pains me to say as I love her. 

 

16 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

Her feelings have changed like yours, but my feelings haven’t yet.

I don’t think you can say that you wouldn’t chose to be with your affair partner if she called you up tomorrow and said - “good news! I’ve left my partner and I want to make a life with you!!” You would be there in a heartbeat - 

In your own words - 

7 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

I know if I was contacted by AP I’m not strong enough to resist.

 

[Justanaverageguy]

6 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

That’s a very good point, but your feelings had changed, as has my AP. Her feelings have changed like yours, but my feelings haven’t yet. I am trying to accept I have to move on and get over my AP and focus on whether my M is worth saving. That is what I am now trying to do, although I have no idea where to start. I have had a nice day with my kids which has taken my mind off of things. But now all alone again my mind is constantly running and thinking!

Like I mentioned earlier - the best thing you can do at this stage is find activities to occupy yourself and distract yourself. Idle Hands do the devil's work as they say. At this stage this isn't "avoiding dealing" with the situation. It's allowing your mind, body and emotions time to adjust and normalize so you can bring yourself to a healthier state. Then from there you will be able to deal with it and process it in a healthier more stable way. In this case time really is your friend. The aim is to navigate through this difficult period as best you can.

You're in the midst of breaking an unhealthy attachment bond which was unnaturally heightened through the push pull circumstances of an affair. Biologically scientists have likened it to breaking a drug addiction. There are a number of studies   that show how early stages of relationships but most especially affairs which linger in this period for an unatirally long period - trigger pleasure centres of the brain in same way as crack cocaine does. Seriously. This becomes addictive and the brain becomes used to it. When the source that caused this is taken away - your body essentially goes into withdrawal symptoms - just like a drug addict.

 

See here: https://www.yourtango.com/heartbreak/why-breaking-up-like-getting-over-cocaine-addiction-says-science

 

The brain releases substances including dopamine, adrenaline, and norepinephrine which increase when two people are in the so called "honeymoon" period of lust and courting. Dopamine causes a euphoric feeling while adrenaline and norepinephrine cause that classic movie pitter-patter of the heart, restlessness, and preoccupation that comes with love.

One of the best ways to help people get through this "withdrawal" period of a breakup is sport and physical activity. Because it temporarily increases these chemicals in the body it can help make the "withdrawal" phase of the breakup a little bit easier to get through. It also occupies the mind to help stop the obsessive thinking on the topic. Try running, lifting weights, yoga. Personally I advocate for team sports. Basketball, football etc because it also creates a team group environment that requires you to communicate with others and helps take your mind off your own stuff for a while. That should be your focus right now. Just getting through the next day 2-3 months. If you can do this without falling back into the affair - In 3 months you feel like a different human being.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

 I can’t make any final decisions yet

You have made a final decision. Divorce is too inconvenient and expensive so you'll just carry on the charade and daydream about your lover. You're not interested in fixing your marriage or divorcing so that's the decision you've made. You made that decision a long time ago when you got involved with this lover.

[serial muse]

OP I just wanted to offer another way to frame things. 

Do you find something seductive, romantic even, in the idea of just utterly giving up control, not having choices? Being swept away by feeling, by another person, by "fate"? Is that what you think love is? I ask because you've repeated often here phrases about your helplessness, like "you can't help who you love," and, in fact, have said "can't" many times when you talk about your situation - you can't help this, you can't stop feeling this way, you can't change things, etc. It also seems clear that your AP was the one basically calling the shots during the affair, setting the pace, creating the push-pull and the drama and fueling the intensity. I wonder if she also was the first to approach you? I suspect you actually enjoyed that aspect of it, that someone else was in control and making it happen for you, without you having to do very much at all except say yes. It made her in a way more responsible for the situation, and you less so. And now she's taken that away, left you to fend for yourself and face consequences alone, and so you're feeling especially cut adrift. 

That perceived helplessness, if true, is just a perception, of course. And ironically, it would be one you're actually choosing. 

But you know, there's also an emotional charge to be had out of stating your needs openly instead of hoping someone fulfills them for you. Doing so is terrifying because you can hurt people, it may create conflict and if you're conflict-avoidant (as I think you pretty clearly are) that is a daunting prospect. I think this is something you could try to explore in individual therapy. It seems to me like you'd get a lot out of an honest examination of what happened here, why this situation felt so good to you even as you're saying you feel guilty (but didn't until your AP ended it), and why your marriage doesn't. And why you didn't feel guilt until now, too. 

Speaking of which, I don't know the true nature of your marriage - you haven't said much about it really, except that "you always thought there should be more" and "she deserves better" and that you're avoiding going home to be around her. Those are pretty vague things to say regarding an actual real person with whom you have kids and a lot of years of history. You may not love each other, and maybe you never did, but seriously? She's a human being. So who is she, really, to you, aside from an object for your guilt at this point? Treat her as a human (with both gifts and flaws), think of your former AP as a human too, think of your own very human needs and impulses and AGENCY, and your path may also become clearer. 

[Bittersweetie]

19 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

Do you have any contact with your ex MM? Did he ever try and reach out? Why did your feelings change?

I have not had contact with xMM since my d-day 12+ years ago. He never reached out and neither did I. My feelings changed because I started to feel uncomfortable about the choices I was making and also because my husband and I started living in the same place again (we had been living on separate coasts during the A). I started to think, what the heck is wrong with me? And my perspective started to change. For example, the first time xMM and I met, I originally thought it was such a romantic night. Now thinking about that night makes me nauseous. Because I was MARRIED. Who did I think I was? And I found out later, that night xMM's wife was out of town in a third world country on a humanitarian mission for her work. xMM got a babysitter for his kids so he could go out with me. What a guy, huh?

I think serial brings up a good point about your wife. I think during an A we WS start focusing mostly on ourselves and our happiness and our actions. It's all about us and we lose track of the fact that our choices affect others close to us. It's hard to rewire the brain to not be as self centered and selfish. You are in a stage where you are still trying to keep them separate...your affair and your marriage. But unfortunately they are two things that are intertwined in your life and you will have to deal with them both proactively. Or you can choose to just let things happen to you. Either path is a choice...what path do you want?

[Confused8647]

46 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

I have not had contact with xMM since my d-day 12+ years ago. He never reached out and neither did I. My feelings changed because I started to feel uncomfortable about the choices I was making and also because my husband and I started living in the same place again (we had been living on separate coasts during the A). I started to think, what the heck is wrong with me? And my perspective started to change. For example, the first time xMM and I met, I originally thought it was such a romantic night. Now thinking about that night makes me nauseous. Because I was MARRIED. Who did I think I was? And I found out later, that night xMM's wife was out of town in a third world country on a humanitarian mission for her work. xMM got a babysitter for his kids so he could go out with me. What a guy, huh?

I think serial brings up a good point about your wife. I think during an A we WS start focusing mostly on ourselves and our happiness and our actions. It's all about us and we lose track of the fact that our choices affect others close to us. It's hard to rewire the brain to not be as self centered and selfish. You are in a stage where you are still trying to keep them separate...your affair and your marriage. But unfortunately they are two things that are intertwined in your life and you will have to deal with them both proactively. Or you can choose to just let things happen to you. Either path is a choice...what path do you want?

Thank you for your reply. I don’t know which path I want. The comments do accurately sum me up. I have been avoiding conflict although strangely in my work I deal with conflict quite a lot. I know now that my AP is not the one and your comments about how you felt during your A and how you and your Ex MM got together and what he did, is me! All I can say is that when I made arrangements to see my AP and the times we spent together I did not or hardly ever thought of my BS or what I was doing. I know that sounds horrible and looking back it is horrible to think of, but at the time it was all consuming. I can only accept that my ex AP felt similar to you and realised what she was doing was wrong, which is why she ended it and has been distant. 

[Confused8647]

2 hours ago, serial muse said:

OP I just wanted to offer another way to frame things. 

Do you find something seductive, romantic even, in the idea of just utterly giving up control, not having choices? Being swept away by feeling, by another person, by "fate"? Is that what you think love is? I ask because you've repeated often here phrases about your helplessness, like "you can't help who you love," and, in fact, have said "can't" many times when you talk about your situation - you can't help this, you can't stop feeling this way, you can't change things, etc. It also seems clear that your AP was the one basically calling the shots during the affair, setting the pace, creating the push-pull and the drama and fueling the intensity. I wonder if she also was the first to approach you? I suspect you actually enjoyed that aspect of it, that someone else was in control and making it happen for you, without you having to do very much at all except say yes. It made her in a way more responsible for the situation, and you less so. And now she's taken that away, left you to fend for yourself and face consequences alone, and so you're feeling especially cut adrift. 

That perceived helplessness, if true, is just a perception, of course. And ironically, it would be one you're actually choosing. 

But you know, there's also an emotional charge to be had out of stating your needs openly instead of hoping someone fulfills them for you. Doing so is terrifying because you can hurt people, it may create conflict and if you're conflict-avoidant (as I think you pretty clearly are) that is a daunting prospect. I think this is something you could try to explore in individual therapy. It seems to me like you'd get a lot out of an honest examination of what happened here, why this situation felt so good to you even as you're saying you feel guilty (but didn't until your AP ended it), and why your marriage doesn't. And why you didn't feel guilt until now, too. 

She did approach me in the beginning and at times it was more me than her. She was calling the shots a lot of the time, dictating when we could see each other. This was frustrating and I allowed it to happen. 
As for my BS, I have said she deserves better, she deserves to have a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I am not sure I am that man, which is something I am trying to figure out. There were times over the weekend where we finally started to talk and we both accepted we don’t talk enough. She accuses me of not chit chatting and I have started to open up about how unhappy I have been as a couple and as a family. I don’t know what the future holds but I think it may be a start 

[Bittersweetie]

Confused, after my d-day my life was a mess, all of my own making. I wallowed for about a week and then flailed for a couple of more weeks. But then I made a decision: I decided that I never again wanted to be the person who thought what I did was okay. I decided that regardless of whether my marriage makes it, I wanted to be a person who lives honestly and authentically moving forward. And I started on that path, a path that was long and hard and painful for myself and my husband. But while I am still on that journey of growth and understanding, I am in a much better place than I ever was during the affair, and even before.

So think about what kind of person you want to be moving forward. Do you want to be someone who lets life happen to them? Do you want to be someone who continues to hide and lie? Then you take steps toward that vision of who you want to be...sometimes the steps are very small, sometimes not. But I think asking yourself "what kind of person do I want to be?" may be better for you right now than "do I want to stay married?" or "do I want to be with AP?" Does that make sense?

One more thing about your wife. You say she doesn't deserve what you did. Have you thought about the fact that you have taken the truth of your wife's life away from her all this time? She thought things were one way when they were another. Are there big decisions you have made as a couple in the past six years, like kids, buying a house, etc? Do you think she would have made the same choice if she knew you were kissing a coworker and more? I mention this because during my affair my husband made an important career choice. He later told me that if he had known what I was doing, he would have made a different choice. I took the truth of his own life away from him. Is that fair what I did? Is it fair what you have done to your wife? I'm not saying this to get you to confess or get upset, I am asking these questions in order to push you out of the self-centered perspective we get used to as WS. It's like we see a few of our own trees instead of the whole forest.

P.S. In terms of concrete things to do, I'd recommend reading a couple of books: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and After the Affair by Janis Spring. These books helped me along with some other general books on marriage (love languages, the four horsemen one by Gottman). Some recommend Esther Perel but I'm not a big fan of hers, especially for a new WS...I feel her work tends to feed into the self justification we do as WS early in the process. I also visited survivinginfidelity.com and read both the WS board (lots of 2x4 there) and also the Just Found Out board in order to gain my H's perspective. I think reading can lead to more knowledge which can lead to more understanding, which is key for us as WS, as our selfishness has become almost a habit.

Edited May 3, 2022 by Bittersweetie

[Will am I]

On 5/1/2022 at 4:59 PM, glows said:

A lot of what you say is textbook affair material "I didn't mean it" or "it wasn't supposed to happen like that" "we weren't supposed to fall in love" These aren't exactly your words but the similar message is there. There was no intention to hurt anyone or look outside your marriage but there was a conscious decision to act on every emotion. If you're not able to connect your actions to your thoughts or how you were responsible for your own pain, there needs to be more reflection, counselling, anything on your own time to try to get to the bottom of these resentments in your marriage, numbness, loss of conscious actions and using forms of escapism to take a break from troubling reality. 

Start with accountability for your actions and then explore and remove concepts that you might have clung to, concepts that were helping you not deal with your current marriage or reality. You'll have no other choice than to face your demons and lay them to rest, whether the marriage is still viable, what your goals or hopes and dreams are, what kind of father you want to be or partner or spouse. Whether you can withstand divorce or go through with it and come out stronger on the other side. You'll have to face all of that. 

Thank you. Different story, different affair. But these words resonate very strongly with me.

[Will am I]

On 5/3/2022 at 11:42 PM, Bittersweetie said:

But then I made a decision: I decided that I never again wanted to be the person who thought what I did was okay. I decided that regardless of whether my marriage makes it, I wanted to be a person who lives honestly and authentically moving forward.

These are truly inspiring words. 

Becoming a better (more balanced, more confident, more reliable, less egocentric) version of myself, that sums up the goals I have set out for myself.

But what you were able to do, is to disconnect these goals from any plans you may have regarding the marriage, and project them onto yourself regardless of the outcomes. This is a little puzzle piece in my quest.