Affair is over but I am in love with AP!

[mark clemson]

Personally, OP, I'd be very confused why it's perfectly ok for someone who's never cheated to hide information about their intent to divorce from a partner, but somehow NOT ok for someone who cheated. Pretty flagrant double-standard about "honesty". So, don't go beating yourself up. If you've decided you're going to leave the marriage, then that's what you've decided, and you might as well act in what you see as your best interest.

Edited June 13, 2022 by mark clemson

[Allupinnit]

Not only is cheating selfish, but staying until it's convenient for YOU to leave is just the cherry on top of the cake-eater's game.  Meanwhile your BS is probably hoping you'll begin to heal your marriage while you are secretly planning your exit, leaving her blindsided.  At least if she knew the truth she could heal properly; can't you give her that?

Your OW had fun until it got too real for you.  And she wants the thrill of the affair but probably has it good at home - you got played and now you're caught up in the feels and you seem to both want what you cannot have.  She'll keep reaching out to see if you're on the hook because she loves the attention, hence why she cheated before.  

Affairs destroy nearly everyone involved emotionally.  

[Prudence V]

On 6/13/2022 at 7:28 PM, mark clemson said:

If you've decided you're going to leave the marriage, then that's what you've decided, and you might as well act in what you see as your best interest.

What are the alternatives? 

1. you tell your BW you plan on leaving once it’s convenient for you. She feels out and tells you to go immediately, or begs you to stay, or just hangs about in a state of limbo not knowing whether today will be the day you leave or not, unable to plan.
2. you say nothing, wait until you have your ducks in a row, then calmly announce your departure, filling her in on the plan. 
    

#2 seems a lot more rational to me. At least there’s a plan. #1 seems to maximise drama with no plan, leading to chaos and devastation all round. At least #2 allows for some stability for at least one party - which, in situations where kids are involved, is far preferable to utter chaos, IMV. 

[mark clemson]

Exactly.

[Starswillshine]

8 hours ago, Prudence V said:

What are the alternatives? 

1. you tell your BW you plan on leaving once it’s convenient for you. She feels out and tells you to go immediately, or begs you to stay, or just hangs about in a state of limbo not knowing whether today will be the day you leave or not, unable to plan.
2. you say nothing, wait until you have your ducks in a row, then calmly announce your departure, filling her in on the plan. 
    

#2 seems a lot more rational to me. At least there’s a plan. #1 seems to maximise drama with no plan, leading to chaos and devastation all round. At least #2 allows for some stability for at least one party - which, in situations where kids are involved, is far preferable to utter chaos, IMV. 

Of course. If acting only in his own self-interest. It is not in the best interest of the rest of his family/wife to tell her what he plans to do so that she might be able to make plans of her own. She may have time to get her OWN ducks in a row. Which is the argument people are having here. 

[Confused8647]

So here is my latest update. I am still getting messages once a week from AP asking how I am. I have stupidly replied and she then reached out asking for help with work. I am now at the point where I am indifferent to her messages. When I see her name on my phone I no longer get the excitement I used to. I now actually feel dread, what does she want? I haven't done anything! I no longer feel the need to contact her as I feel I have nothing to say. When we have messaged it has been light and not at all the kind of messaging that we used to share we both could not get enough of her. I am accepting that this is now all in the past, and my advice to anyone considering an A, is don't. It is not worth it. If you or your AP are in a relationship, do not get involved with another person. Having read so many blogs on her and the other sub forums on Loveshack, they are all the same. I thought my AP was my soul mate, the love of my life, but I was wrong. I still think of her regularly, and still every day, but this is fading as I have not see her for over a month, and that was at a work event when we didn't speak all night, and somehow left at the same time, and she shouted at me for not listening to her. She has never said sorry for all the times she was hurtful, and me like a sap just accepted it, I accepted all her bad behaviour for fear of hurting or upsetting her. What a complete idiot I have been! I am sad to say that I have spoken to my BS and we will separating, but this is for the best. She deserves to find someone who will treat her better than I did. I am trying to make peace with my actions, and just now want to focus on my children and me. I have not loved myself or even liked myself for a long time, and I need to focus on me. This is going to sound incredibly selfish and some people may hate me for the way the post may seem just about me and my feelings, but as I started this post, it was as a platform for me to put my thoughts and views down, so I hope I have not offended anyone.

 

Bottom line whilst an A may feel exciting and for me it was incredible, the pain is not worth it. No good will come of it.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

I thought my AP was my soul mate, the love of my life, but I was wrong. I have spoken to my BS and we will separating, but this is for the best. She deserves to find someone who will treat her better than I did.

Excellent insight. Good luck with things going forward.

[Starswillshine]

47 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

I am sad to say that I have spoken to my BS and we will separating, but this is for the best. She deserves to find someone who will treat her better than I did. I am trying to make peace with my actions, and just now want to focus on my children and me. I have not loved myself or even liked myself for a long time, and I need to focus on me. This is going to sound incredibly selfish and some people may hate me for the way the post may seem just about me and my feelings, but as I started this post, it was as a platform for me to put my thoughts and views down, so I hope I have not offended anyone.

I have a great and tremendous respect for you being upfront and truthful with your wife. I wish you all the best. 

[mark clemson]

On 6/25/2022 at 1:16 AM, Confused8647 said:

Having read so many blogs on ... the other sub forums ... they are all the same. I thought my AP was my soul mate, the love of my life, but I was wrong. I still think of her regularly, and still every day, but this is fading as I have not see her for over a month, and that was at a work event when we didn't speak all night, and somehow left at the same time, and she shouted at me for not listening to her.

People fall in love with the wrong person all the time, in affairs or out. Happens. And sometimes you are stuck with waiting for your feelings for them to wind down, which tends to take a lot longer than we'd like.

Keep in mind that what you see on many of those other forums are people with serious emotional problems and a tendency towards vindictiveness, compounded by bitterness at their own personal trauma. Not that they weren't hurt or somehow must be "ok" with what happened to them, however I strongly suspect many (not all) of them were very difficult partners who were marking their partner miserable and slowly driving them away. [ ]   An unhappy person in a relationship only has so many options, one of which is to cheat - as you yourself have seen. Not necessarily the best choice, but one that many people make nonetheless.  And, of course, many of those folks seem perfectly happy to recommend the BS hide their intent to divorce from their partner, make plans to leave in secret, etc. The same highly situational "valuing" of honesty...

It IS true that many AP are left stuck with processing their "unrequited love".  Of course, that happens in many regular, "full" relationships too. Most relationships end and it's rarely fun for the person left.

Edited June 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed reference to other forum

[heartwhole2]

Since you started this thread to help get over your intense feelings for your AP, I'm glad that you've reached your desired state of indifference. Just prepare yourself that you may cycle through other feelings more than once, like grief and anger, before settling (mostly) permanently on indifference.

I'm also glad that you've taken decisive action with regards to your marriage. I hope your wife and kids are taking the news well and that you can transition to a new, healthy dynamic.

The thing about intense feelings in an affair is that we simply don't know how we would feel about a person without the star-crossed lovers thing keeping them just out of reach while we yearn soooooo much for what we can't have. It's likely that your feelings were about how the affair made you feel (wanted, alive), and not based on a special connection with a particular person. Feelings are not a particularly reliable gauge of what is good for us since they can turn on a dime. And when we gain better insight into ourselves, we learn that feelings don't just happen to us . . . we can invite and cultivate them by being intentional.

In your first post you mentioned how you and your wife didn't like to have hard conversations. I hope you'll keep that in mind as you move on to a new stage of life with new relationships. Good communication is also something we cultivate; it doesn't just happen on its own. Remember the pain you experienced when your inability to say hard things took you on a long diversion (it sounds like you carried this over into your relationship with AP as well, as you say you just accepted her bad behavior).

[spiritedaway2003]

23 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

I am sad to say that I have spoken to my BS and we will separating, but this is for the best. She deserves to find someone who will treat her better than I did. I am trying to make peace with my actions, and just now want to focus on my children and me. I have not loved myself or even liked myself for a long time, and I need to focus on me. This is going to sound incredibly selfish and some people may hate me for the way the post may seem just about me and my feelings, but as I started this post, it was as a platform for me to put my thoughts and views down, so I hope I have not offended anyone.

Bottom line whilst an A may feel exciting and for me it was incredible, the pain is not worth it. No good will come of it.

Thank you for sharing your update.  I'm sorry for the hurts you are going through, the double whammy of a separation and the unrequited/unresolved ending with the AP.  It's true that there may never be a real ending in an A situation.  I don't want to go too much into my own story, but I agree that I won't ever recommend/suggest an A because of the deep hurts it creates for everyone involved/impacted.  I think there is a prevailing assumption that A are all fun and excitement, or heightened by a star crossed lovers narrative.  Every A is different.  Having been in very short A myself (of which I'm not proud of, but with hindsight now a few years removed), I would say this:

Sometimes, in life, you will come across people who changes the trajectory of your life. They become a catalyst for change.  Their arrival may not always be the change you wanted, though it may be the change that is needed.  Change simply instigates -- whether it can considered constructive/destructive - depends the actions. In the case of a A:  it could mean the end of an existing relationship (in your case, an exit affair). For others, it could make the marriage more tolerable (a temporary patch; never truly addressing root cause).  For others, it becomes a test of to see if two people have what it takes to weather the storm.

In my case, I thought "we" would just be like two ships passing in the night after we went NC.  Things played out differently, even improbably, in some ways, in that we're still together.  I know that we were/are saddened that the whole thing caused so much pain. We also know that we do not regret meeting each other or experiencing the love and connection we had.  Two things can both be true.  In your case, only you know best what your relationship is like with your AP.  Whether you love your AP or just how she made you feel, you are the only person who truly knows -- so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I also learned that when I was trying to sort out the many conflicts I was feeling that it wasn't helpful at all to focus on just the "good" OR the "bad".  It was far more helpful to reflect on both the good and the bad, on both sides of the coin.  Give yourself some credit for having the talk with your wife.  Take care of yourself and your kids.  And, be kind to yourself as you work towards moving to a new chapter of your life. 

Edited June 25, 2022 by spiritedaway2003

[Confused8647]

On 6/25/2022 at 3:13 PM, spiritedaway2003 said:

Thank you for sharing your update.  I'm sorry for the hurts you are going through, the double whammy of a separation and the unrequited/unresolved ending with the AP.  It's true that there may never be a real ending in an A situation.  I don't want to go too much into my own story, but I agree that I won't ever recommend/suggest an A because of the deep hurts it creates for everyone involved/impacted.  I think there is a prevailing assumption that A are all fun and excitement, or heightened by a star crossed lovers narrative.  Every A is different.  Having been in very short A myself (of which I'm not proud of, but with hindsight now a few years removed), I would say this:

Sometimes, in life, you will come across people who changes the trajectory of your life. They become a catalyst for change.  Their arrival may not always be the change you wanted, though it may be the change that is needed.  Change simply instigates -- whether it can considered constructive/destructive - depends the actions. In the case of a A:  it could mean the end of an existing relationship (in your case, an exit affair). For others, it could make the marriage more tolerable (a temporary patch; never truly addressing root cause).  For others, it becomes a test of to see if two people have what it takes to weather the storm.

In my case, I thought "we" would just be like two ships passing in the night after we went NC.  Things played out differently, even improbably, in some ways, in that we're still together.  I know that we were/are saddened that the whole thing caused so much pain. We also know that we do not regret meeting each other or experiencing the love and connection we had.  Two things can both be true.  In your case, only you know best what your relationship is like with your AP.  Whether you love your AP or just how she made you feel, you are the only person who truly knows -- so don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I also learned that when I was trying to sort out the many conflicts I was feeling that it wasn't helpful at all to focus on just the "good" OR the "bad".  It was far more helpful to reflect on both the good and the bad, on both sides of the coin.  Give yourself some credit for having the talk with your wife.  Take care of yourself and your kids.  And, be kind to yourself as you work towards moving to a new chapter of your life. 

Spirited thank you so much for your reply. I honestly believe I am getting better, but the pain I see my family going through is really hard to take. I know now that an A is definitely something I will NEVER contemplate again. I know I have a long road ahead but at least now it is becoming a little clearer day by day x

[Will am I]

On 6/25/2022 at 4:13 PM, spiritedaway2003 said:

Sometimes, in life, you will come across people who changes the trajectory of your life. They become a catalyst for change.  Their arrival may not always be the change you wanted, though it may be the change that is needed.  Change simply instigates -- whether it can considered constructive/destructive - depends the actions. In the case of a A:  it could mean the end of an existing relationship (in your case, an exit affair). For others, it could make the marriage more tolerable (a temporary patch; never truly addressing root cause).  For others, it becomes a test of to see if two people have what it takes to weather the storm.

These are some very true words. 

 

[Allupinnit]

@Confused8647 - when you say you have spoken to your wife, does that mean she knows the truth about the affair?  Why does she think you're getting a divorce?

[pepperbird2]

Op,

Please remember that the ones who will ultimately pay the price for all of this won't be you your your OW. It will be your wife and kids.

Every day you stay, every day you let your wife think that while there may be problems, you an work them out, you are lyingt o her face. The person who loves you an d trusts you not to hurt her. 

I would suggest a better tack would be to pklayt it all out for her. Be 100 percent honest and then ask to see a therapist together , not to repair your marriage but to help you two find a way to navigate its end in a way that is best fr your kids. This nonsense about "what she doesn't knwo won;t her her" is just plain bull.

 

You can choose to lie, which, IMHO is a cowards way out, or you can act like an adult and face the choices you made. This is especially true if you have daughters. You are their model of what a man/husband shoudl be. you are their hero. sure you may make some mistakes, but you take responsibility for them. Isn't that the sort of man you want to be for them, instead of someone who is a coward and woudl rather to his wife, day after day,so he ca get the best possible divorce for him?

 

[mark clemson]

OP, do what you think is right for your situation, but keep in mind that "total honesty" is probably rare in marriages and I suspect typically does more harm than good. That is why "radical honesty" is a thing in therapy, and from what I understand it's often a "hail Mary" approach. Total honesty is IMO overrated, and not necessarily particularly wise or conducive to a happy and lasting relationship.

It is no more "cowardly and dishonest" for a WS to contemplate or even plan for divorce than it is for a BS. If your wife finds about your affair and "tries to figure out" whether to divorce you, do you expect complete honesty from her at every stage of that emotional journey? Even if you do expect it, do you think you are actually likely to get it?

I think high-minded ideals often benefit from a dose of reality. This help one avoid following a path of "shoulds and ought tos" into a negative situation. You could have assessed your intent to have an affair and made different choices, and had different (presumably less negative) outcomes. The exact same thing can be said of ideas for action you may have now. No one can predict the future and e.g. revealing your affair and/or an intent to divorce to your wife might have much worse consequences for your wife and children than keeping quiet about it, even if you decide to divorce. Do what you think is best, but I suggest you be realistic and deliberate about your choices.

Edited July 14, 2022 by mark clemson

[Myabee]

On 6/24/2022 at 12:04 PM, Starswillshine said:

I have a great and tremendous respect for you being upfront and truthful with your wife. I wish you all the best. 

I second this. Honesty is the best policy here and you've offered that. I wish you many better days ahead. 

[pepperbird2]

op,

I can't remember if you mentioned it or not, but did you sleep with your ow? If so, you NEED to tell your wife. especially as your OW has  a history pf seeing other people outside her main relationship[.
Potentially exposing your wife to an STD is NOT okay. She has every right in the world to protect her heath, especially if you have kids. I don't care if you used protection or not. Besides, if your marriage does end, she may find herself involved with another man down the road and want to have children with him. Some of these STDS can affect fertility.

If she had been sleeping with anther man behind your back, wouldn't you want to know so you could at least take steps to protect your health, or would you be okay not knowing while she got her ducks in a row?

[mark clemson]

Nothing at all crazy about getting an STD test and if you actually have one, it would seem to me you're obligated to let your spouse know about it for health/safety reasons.

That if you have one part is pretty important though. Jumping the gun and announcing "you might have an STD" seems like recipe for (probably completely unnecessary) distress, chaos, and confusion.

BTW, some STDs, can be latent without showing symptoms, so actually anyone who wasn't thoroughly tested after becoming monogamous might have one, particularly syphilis which has a latency period of up to 20 years.

https://www.healthline.com/health/how-long-does-it-take-for-std-to-show-up#std-incubation-periods

[pepperbird2]

On 7/15/2022 at 4:21 PM, mark clemson said:

Nothing at all crazy about getting an STD test and if you actually have one, it would seem to me you're obligated to let your spouse know about it for health/safety reasons.

That if you have one part is pretty important though. Jumping the gun and announcing "you might have an STD" seems like recipe for (probably completely unnecessary) distress, chaos, and confusion.

BTW, some STDs, can be latent without showing symptoms, so actually anyone who wasn't thoroughly tested after becoming monogamous might have one, particularly syphilis which has a latency period of up to 20 years.

https://www.healthline.com/health/how-long-does-it-take-for-std-to-show-up#std-incubation-periods

 "Gee, sorry honey. I gave you an STD, but I'm okay, so that's what matters"?
In women, an STD can cause everything from pain to infertility to cancer, and in some cases, she won't even know it. Keeping the information from someone that they are at risk is a plain jackass move.

 

[mark clemson]

I'm not suggesting anyone keep information about an STD from their partner if they actually have one. Or with using protection.

Everyone is at risk all the time for a multitude of diseases as well as other problems. To say "might have one" is a bit like telling your spouse you might have gotten into a car accident because you're driving home on the freeway, or that you might be broke because you've got a lot of money invested in the stock market. Completely (and completely unnecessarily) alarmist IMO.

There may at times be very good reasons to inform your spouse you've been in an affair. "I might have an STD" isn't one of them. IF you actually were to have one, that would be another matter.

Edited July 18, 2022 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

If my husband is putting himself and me at risk of catching an STD, I want to know so that I can take steps to protect myself - that likely includes divorcing my unfaithful and untrustworthy husband. 

If he is so unhappy with his life that he would have an affair/risk an STD or want a divorce - just tell me that. I have no interest in staying in a marriage with a man who doesn’t want to be married to me. Let’s just save ourselves the time and trouble - and the trip to the doctor to get tested or treated for the STD. 

Quote

To say "might have one" is a bit like telling your spouse you might have gotten into a car accident because you're driving home on the freeway, or that you might be broke because you've got a lot of money invested in the stock market. Completely (and completely unnecessarily) alarmist IMO.

You might have a point here Mark, if we were not talking about the decision to betray and harm one’s spouse. It’s not hypothetical, there is tremendous harm done when one’s partner is unfaithful. 

 

 

Edited July 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not hypothetical, there is tremendous harm done when one’s partner is unfaithful - whether they do, or do not, have an STD.

ETA

Edited July 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You might have a point here Mark, if we were not talking about the decision to betray and harm one’s spouse. It’s not hypothetical, there is tremendous harm done when one’s partner is unfaithful.

Hmm. Ok, but I'd point out it's actually a separate point and conflates two issues (STDs, if you actually were to get one, and other problems that an affair might/might not create).

You're of course welcome to your views on the matter and I respect that. It's certainly true that affairs can cause very serious issues and that there are both pros and cons. However, it's probably best we not turn this thread into "debate club" on the whys and wherefores of affairs as it derails this thread and causes problems for moderation.

Edited July 19, 2022 by mark clemson

[pepperbird2]

On 7/19/2022 at 12:25 PM, mark clemson said:

Hmm. Ok, but I'd point out it's actually a separate point and conflates two issues (STDs, if you actually were to get one, and other problems that an affair might/might not create).

You're of course welcome to your views on the matter and I respect that. It's certainly true that affairs can cause very serious issues and that there are both pros and cons. However, it's probably best we not turn this thread into "debate club" on the whys and wherefores of affairs as it derails this thread and causes problems for moderation.

This discussion is actually 100 percent on point. I say this because it sounds very much like the op is considering not telling his wife.

 

This boils down to him cheating on his wife with someone who has other affaires/ intimate relationships. In effect, every time he slept with his wife, he was potentially exposing her to disease.
 

You imply that it’s okay to keep this under wraps unless he finds out he is infected with an STD, but many don’t show any symptoms , especially in men. A guy may not even be aware he’s passing one along. He may assume that since he’s feeling fine, all is well.