Affair is over but I am in love with AP!

[Will am I]

23 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

Will am I, at this moment I feel I need to leave the BS. I’m not making excuses I’ve not been happy for a number of years and have always felt that I want more out of life. That will sound incredibly selfish as I don’t want to hurt my W or the children, but the times I have spent with the OW were incredible, I know everyone says that as it’s not real life but I honestly haven’t felt like this about anyone. 

I guess an affair can do that: open our eyes and make these long lingering feelings very acute.

Without the affair, maybe you would have accepted your marriage for another week, turned into month, turned into year, turned into many years.

Now you are more conscious of what you’d be missing out in that scenario. Is that a good thing or a bad? Would it have been better if these feelings had remained under a layer of dust? Or is it good that you realize what you want out of a relationship before it’s too late?

I understand the question but I don’t have the answer. The “long running doubts” topic has some relevant conversation. 
My personal struggle is similar to yours, but I’m not so inclined to leave my wife. If possible I would like to remain in an improved version of my marriage. Whether or not that is a realistic hope is something I need to find out.

[Confused8647]

32 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

I feel you, I also feel the love with OW. But believe me, it's better to let it go earlier. I really feel our cases are very similar, I'm just a little bit more down the road. I fell in love with her, with her kids, everything, but at first she put a lof of preassure in me while I was with my GF, and my GF was depressed because she was let go at her job and other things and I couldn't leave her at that moment. 

When I was without GF, OW started to be distant, when we met everything was amazing, best relationship ever, but when we weren't it was too much stress. My therapist keeps telling me she has many narcissistic features (not a full one) and is emtionally abusive, that's why I'm so attached to her. 

If something I've said feels familiar, and want to know more, please let me know, I really wish to help.

Torn_heart

i would love to hear more. The friendship between us has been there for over 6 years with the occasional flirting. Any help you can give would be really appreciated. We have always had a connection and now nothing and I’m not sure if I can ever see her although I then would do anything to see her! The fact that she can walk away from us/me so easy or easier is so upsetting 

[Confused8647]

6 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I guess an affair can do that: open our eyes and make these long lingering feelings very acute.

Without the affair, maybe you would have accepted your marriage for another week, turned into month, turned into year, turned into many years.

Now you are more conscious of what you’d be missing out in that scenario. Is that a good thing or a bad? Would it have been better if these feelings had remained under a layer of dust? Or is it good that you realize what you want out of a relationship before it’s too late?

I understand the question but I don’t have the answer. The “long running doubts” topic has some relevant conversation. 
My personal struggle is similar to yours, but I’m not so inclined to leave my wife. If possible I would like to remain in an improved version of my marriage. Whether or not that is a realistic hope is something I need to find out.

As I’ve said I’ve not been happy for years and just too afraid to do anything about it. I have had other opportunities in the past but never acted on them. I truly feel so much love for the OW, but I am slowly coming to the realisation that nothing can happen anymore. Her friends know about us and one of them tried to warn me that the OW would break my heart and unfortunately they were right. 

[Confused8647]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems like you are confusing intensity with intimacy. Sort of a wild roller coater ride. Perhaps to feel alive again in a dead marriage or to feel young again in midlife crisis.

Whatever it is, it was not love. It was the chaos/risk like gambling. And now your craving like an addiction. You miss your distraction from your unhappy marriage and dull life.

You realize this is not about the mistress, it's about being dead inside and thrill seeking. See a physician to assess depression, anxiety, etc.

You maybe right, but when I look around and see other men talking about their wives as their best friend, love of their life, I’m sorry to say I don’t feel that. I know it sounds harsh on my BS but I can’t help how I feel, I’m just too scared to do the right thing and have that conversation with her for fear once I open that box, it won’t ever be the same again!!

[Starswillshine]

16 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

You maybe right, but when I look around and see other men talking about their wives as their best friend, love of their life, I’m sorry to say I don’t feel that. I know it sounds harsh on my BS but I can’t help how I feel, I’m just too scared to do the right thing and have that conversation with her for fear once I open that box, it won’t ever be the same again!!

Sometimes relationships (including marriages) run their course. People get married too soon or people change, etc. 

Right now, you are pinning after your OW. There is nothing your wife can do to make you see her like you see the OW. She does not stand a chance. And she never will as long as you keep this OW on a pedestal. I can understand that you still love her, those feelings are hard to shut off, what I do not understand is why you believe still that she is the great love of your life? A cheater? Someone who doesn't even want you anymore? 

Your wife deserves to know what has happened so she can make decisions about her life, too. 

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, Confused8647 said:

Torn_heart

i would love to hear more. The friendship between us has been there for over 6 years with the occasional flirting. Any help you can give would be really appreciated. We have always had a connection and now nothing and I’m not sure if I can ever see her although I then would do anything to see her! The fact that she can walk away from us/me so easy or easier is so upsetting 

OW is the idealization of this woman you have. Try to keep things factual (here I'm trying to follow my own advice), OW has cheated before, she pursues those relationships and will do it again. You are in love with her, I won't deny it, but it's not her, you are picturing a life with her that you believe you'll have, but in reality you'll have to keep pursuing her, YOU will have to make the relationship work and if at one time YOU are going through bad moments she won't be there for you, because YOU have to be fine. 

I'm there with you, I wasn't happy with my GF, had to break up with her, tried with OW and it went south, I didn't break up with GF because OW, I did it because I wasn't happy since some years ago. Tried something with OW, and didn't work, should have read the signs before, but now I'm not afraid of looking for someone I really love, I really like and not just a circumnsantial relationship (like ex-GF) or a toxic relationship (like OW). 

Remember, having an affais is like having two halves of a relationship, must surely neither of themr is the whole woman you really want to spend your life with.

In my first therapy sessions (I started going because OW broke up with me just as yours almos exactly a year ago) she told me "OW is the person that gave oxygen to the relationship with your GF, if you didn't had the affair you would have broken up already" , "OW appeals to another side of you, but not as a whole"

[Confused8647]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Sometimes relationships (including marriages) run their course. People get married too soon or people change, etc. 

Right now, you are pinning after your OW. There is nothing your wife can do to make you see her like you see the OW. She does not stand a chance. And she never will as long as you keep this OW on a pedestal. I can understand that you still love her, those feelings are hard to shut off, what I do not understand is why you believe still that she is the great love of your life? A cheater? Someone who doesn't even want you anymore? 

Your wife deserves to know what has happened so she can make decisions about her life, too. 

I have been with my BS for over 20 years and married for more than half of that. You are right in that my wife has no chance and she has tried and I admit I have been difficult to live with and have not been fair to her. You are also right about me pining after the OW, and have always ran after her and been there for her. I completely understand that it will seem strange to someone how I can think she is the love of my life when she doesn’t want me, and love should not be this complicated. I guess I need to face reality that what we had was an incredible experience and time together and that sometimes people come in your life to teach you a lesson but not to stay. I want her and always will, but she has also opened my eyes to what I do want in life and how different and opposite me and my wife are and that is something I need to change and for once in my life be honest and let my wife find someone who wants and can love her like she deserves.

[Confused8647]

20 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

OW is the idealization of this woman you have. Try to keep things factual (here I'm trying to follow my own advice), OW has cheated before, she pursues those relationships and will do it again. You are in love with her, I won't deny it, but it's not her, you are picturing a life with her that you believe you'll have, but in reality you'll have to keep pursuing her, YOU will have to make the relationship work and if at one time YOU are going through bad moments she won't be there for you, because YOU have to be fine. 

I'm there with you, I wasn't happy with my GF, had to break up with her, tried with OW and it went south, I didn't break up with GF because OW, I did it because I wasn't happy since some years ago. Tried something with OW, and didn't work, should have read the signs before, but now I'm not afraid of looking for someone I really love, I really like and not just a circumnsantial relationship (like ex-GF) or a toxic relationship (like OW). 

Remember, having an affais is like having two halves of a relationship, must surely neither of themr is the whole woman you really want to spend your life with.

In my first therapy sessions (I started going because OW broke up with me just as yours almos exactly a year ago) she told me "OW is the person that gave oxygen to the relationship with your GF, if you didn't had the affair you would have broken up already" , "OW appeals to another side of you, but not as a whole"

Torn I think i stories are very similar and you seem to be handling your situation better than I am. Are you now on your own? How did your GF take it? How did the OW take it when it ended. I’ve read some posts how other men have stopped the A, but I just want her, want to talk to her, help her, be there for her is she needs help with work or anything, but i have to realise she doesn’t want me to do any of that, and as much as she used to tell me I had the biggest heart and how amazing I was and that she would always love me, I guess she now finds it impossible to even speak to me or message me which hurts so much

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

I just miss her and hoped we could try and be friends or have some contact but that is looking less likely and it is killed me.

Not possible. You have already crossed the boundary - you can’t now re-establish an appropriate boundary where previously, there has been none.

Besides, how fair is that to your wife? 

I actually feel badly for you - this isn’t her first rodeo and you have decided that this serial cheater is the love of your life? You have romanticized this relationship and this woman to the point that you would chose to be in a legitimate relationship with her if you she would have you?

Please. Look, if your marriage has run it’s course and you don’t want to be married to your wife any more - file for divorce and go find the love of your life. This ain’t it - find a woman with character and integrity, someone who is loyal, and trustworthy, or you will regret if for the rest of your life. 

Edited April 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

I’m not scared of being on my own, I’m just scared about hurting my BS and children who love me.

Too late. They just don’t know it yet. 

If you are not happy in your marriage, you are entitled to a divorce. You are not entitled to have an affair - 

Divorce your wife if you are not happy - she will endure. Possibly better than she does now with a husband who keeps the truth of her life from her. A husband who is preoccupied and chasing another woman. Your children will adapt. You can lead by example and live an authentic life with integrity - your children will respect you for that. 

If I may, if you are so miserable that you stay at work because you don’t want to go home - that’s a problem you need to deal with. The sad reality is you checked out of your marriage a long time ago and that’s entirely on you. It’s really unfair to your wife - and your children.

The problem being, your affair has clouded your judgment to the point that you don’t know what you want any more - evidenced by the fact that you think your affair partner is the love of your life. 

Individual counselling would be a really good decision right now OP, if you haven’t done it already. The problem here is not necessarily with your marriage. Or your wife. It starts and ends with you. Good luck. 

Edited April 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

What is also problemsome is that a regular relationship can never match the intensity of an affair which is why I say the wife does not stand a chance. Your marriage will never hold a candle to it. No marriage could. You would likely be disappointed if you had your wish and you and OW had a legit relationship. A good, healthy relationship does not have those types of hormones pumping through. 

But imagine your wife wondering what is going on in your marriage. It is boring and you don't seem interested anymore. And she keeps trying but nothing she does matters... you don't even recognize it because you are living in lala land. 

I'm not at all advocating you need to stay with your wife. But you do owe her to be honest with her so she won't have to keep running in circles trying ro repair a stale marriage. 

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

Torn I think i stories are very similar and you seem to be handling your situation better than I am. Are you now on your own? How did your GF take it? How did the OW take it when it ended. I’ve read some posts how other men have stopped the A, but I just want her, want to talk to her, help her, be there for her is she needs help with work or anything, but i have to realise she doesn’t want me to do any of that, and as much as she used to tell me I had the biggest heart and how amazing I was and that she would always love me, I guess she now finds it impossible to even speak to me or message me which hurts so much

I'm dealing with a fallout with OW:

OW was always asking me about it when she was preassuring me, she even asked what I was going to tell GF, it felt curel from her, I think she wanted to "feel a W" since she was the OW with the fathe rof her kids and he never got divorced. So when it happened I didn't tell her, we stopped talking about it and we let it flow and we never went full formal, specially because I couldn't from one day to the other change my partner.

The adrenaline, the rush we have with our AP is huge, specially if we like to add value to their life, just like you, I also helped her with some thing of her work, her business, her famil, etc. I love that. You have to think of the possibility that your OW, like mine, might have some narcissitc features, and see you as a tool, maybe she doesn't want you right now, but maybe when she needs something she will look for you. I guess you are also highly empathic.

Believe me, try to stop contacting her and delete her socials, try a little "out of sight". Get some clarity without all this noise the breakup/affair brings. Also, she will reach you... think very well what you'll say/do. 

Also, they already told you, but going to therapy will help you a lot. You'll be able to understand yourself much better and OW and your BS a little bit more.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

 Over the last 6 months I’ve deleted then added her number so many times when she upsets me.

If this is WRT the "making it essentially impossible to contact them" idea, I think you have to do more than just this sort of stuff. Since you have her # etc, and can always re-contact, it's not really "fully impossible". If I understand this idea correctly (which is a valid question) it has to be actually essentially impossible, e.g. you actually lose all her contact info and such and she moves out of state. Something more like that. I think trying to fool your own brain so to speak doesn't work so well, since at some level you do know you could get back in touch.

Even so, it's not guaranteed to work anyhow from what I understand.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

What is also problemsome is that a regular relationship can never match the intensity of an affair which is why I say the wife does not stand a chance. Your marriage will never hold a candle to it. No marriage could. You would likely be disappointed if you had your wish and you and OW had a legit relationship. A good, healthy relationship does not have those types of hormones pumping through. 

So true, and yet people in affairs have no concept of this. So sure are they that the feelings are real! So sure are they that it will translate to a real life relationship. But, the hormonal high of an affair is not sustainable - the honeymoon stage of any new relationship inevitably ends… at which point, those who want the high will inevitably end the relationship because “something is missing” and go in search of their next hit. 

That’s why I said above OP, the problem here is not your wife. It’s not your marriage. The problem here is you. You are not happy in your marriage and rather than dealing with that, you have chosen to turn away from your family and involve yourself in a fantasy relationship. Your affair may be over now and you are in fact still fantasizing!

Your wife is not a perfect woman or a perfect partner - nobody is. She may not even be a good partner, we don’t know. That said, based on what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like she is out having sex and fantasizing about another man. So, there is that. As was said above, she is likely working, maintaining your home, caring for your children, and wondering why her husband stays at work so late and seems preoccupied and distracted when he is home… 

To say that you haven’t divorced because you don’t want to hurt your family is a bit of an excuse - don’t you think? It’s a bit ironic, don’t you think, considering that you are engaging in behavior that if discovered, would devastate the people you love the most? It’s a bit ironic considering that you say you would break up your family and chose to be with this other woman if she would have you. 

How would you feel if your wife took your truth, your ability for self determination, away from you by hiding the fact that she was secretly engaged in another relationship - in love with another man? Would you consider that to be an act of love and kindness? Or an abuse of power? 

I’m sorry, I will stop posting now but still, I hope that you get some counselling for yourself. I believe that you owe it to yourself to make an honest assessment of your marriage and the future of your family without the influence of a third party. I think your wife deserves to know the truth - particularly if you do not plan to divorce. And I think your children deserve more from their father… My best friend’s father met “the love of his life” and cheated on her mother - Unfortunately, he made a poor decision and that relationship did not last.  He has what could best be described as a cordial relationship with his children now - they lost all respect for him and their relationships have never recovered. 

I hope you get it together before that happens…

 

[Confused8647]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Not possible. You have already crossed the boundary - you can’t now re-establish an appropriate boundary where previously, there has been none.

Besides, how fair is that to your wife? 

I actually feel badly for you - this isn’t her first rodeo and you have decided that this serial cheater is the love of your life? You have romanticized this relationship and this woman to the point that you would chose to be in a legitimate relationship with her if you she would have you?

Please. Look, if your marriage has run it’s course and you don’t want to be married to your wife any more - file for divorce and go find the love of your life. This ain’t it - find a woman with character and integrity, someone who is loyal, and trustworthy, or you will regret if for the rest of your life. 

I have woke up today worse than any other day. All the comments are completely true and accurate, so why do I feel so bad. I know I have not been fair to everyone around me, but I still can’t stop thinking of the OW even though she has not tried to contact me or shown any kind of feelings. I know I have to respect her wishes to stay with her engaged partner and kids but it hurts so much!

[Confused8647]

8 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Too late. They just don’t know it yet. 

If you are not happy in your marriage, you are entitled to a divorce. You are not entitled to have an affair - 

Divorce your wife if you are not happy - she will endure. Possibly better than she does now with a husband who keeps the truth of her life from her. A husband who is preoccupied and chasing another woman. Your children will adapt. You can lead by example and live an authentic life with integrity - your children will respect you for that. 

If I may, if you are so miserable that you stay at work because you don’t want to go home - that’s a problem you need to deal with. The sad reality is you checked out of your marriage a long time ago and that’s entirely on you. It’s really unfair to your wife - and your children.

The problem being, your affair has clouded your judgment to the point that you don’t know what you want any more - evidenced by the fact that you think your affair partner is the love of your life. 

Individual counselling would be a really good decision right now OP, if you haven’t done it already. The problem here is not necessarily with your marriage. Or your wife. It starts and ends with you. Good luck. 

Bailey I haven’t tried counselling yet as I’ve never been before. I know I have to stop pretending and face everything, but it’s so life altering. I accept I have already crossed boundaries and hurt the people who love me, and they just don’t know it yet. The bottom line is I should’ve left a long time ago. My BS does not deserve this and I know I am making everyone’s lives miserable by the way I am acting

[Confused8647]

6 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I'm dealing with a fallout with OW:

OW was always asking me about it when she was preassuring me, she even asked what I was going to tell GF, it felt curel from her, I think she wanted to "feel a W" since she was the OW with the fathe rof her kids and he never got divorced. So when it happened I didn't tell her, we stopped talking about it and we let it flow and we never went full formal, specially because I couldn't from one day to the other change my partner.

The adrenaline, the rush we have with our AP is huge, specially if we like to add value to their life, just like you, I also helped her with some thing of her work, her business, her famil, etc. I love that. You have to think of the possibility that your OW, like mine, might have some narcissitc features, and see you as a tool, maybe she doesn't want you right now, but maybe when she needs something she will look for you. I guess you are also highly empathic.

Believe me, try to stop contacting her and delete her socials, try a little "out of sight". Get some clarity without all this noise the breakup/affair brings. Also, she will reach you... think very well what you'll say/do. 

Also, they already told you, but going to therapy will help you a lot. You'll be able to understand yourself much better and OW and your BS a little bit more.

Torn, whilst I was always the one asking to see the OW she rarely did any of the chasing. It was all me, which shows the dynamic of this situation or relationship or whatever it is you want to call it. I was too much and too needy for the OW and it was only because of how I felt, how much I loved talking to her, messaging her, seeing her. I guess the old adage of the right one at the right time will appreciate that, where she never did, I just have to learn to accept that.

 

[Confused8647]

The other complications is the fact some of my close friends still work with her and whilst I haven’t spoke to her for a week, when I speak to them, it reminds me of her, and occasionally she is brought up by them in that oh she’s just done this or that. 
The other things it’s her birthday in a couple of weeks and I keep playing scenarios in my head, should I buy her a gift to show my love, would she appreciate the gesture or be horrified as a reminder of us. I bought her a piece of jewellery for Christmas and for about a week she never even said thank you.

Do I send her a message on her birthday or post on FB wishing her a happy birthday to show her she is still in my thoughts. I don’t want her to forget me or us or what we had, because it was real in it’s time. I know you will all say NOOOOO don’t send any gifts or messages but I love her and want her to know that and the thought of not wishing her a happy birthday really hurts!

[Confused8647]

4 hours ago, BaileyB said:

To say that you haven’t divorced because you don’t want to hurt your family is a bit of an excuse - don’t you think? It’s a bit ironic, don’t you think, considering that you are engaging in behavior that if discovered, would devastate the people you love the most? It’s a bit ironic considering that you say you would break up your family and chose to be with this other woman if she would have you. 

How would you feel if your wife took your truth, your ability for self determination, away from you by hiding the fact that she was secretly engaged in another relationship - in love with another man? Would you consider that to be an act of love and kindness? Or an abuse of power? 

TBH I am a coward. I honestly don’t know. I can’t explain the control the OW has over my head or why I miss her all the time, want to talk to her all the time.

My W deserves better than me I know that but when I leave I don’t want to hurt her anymore than I have and by confessing my love for another person will devastate her. That’s why I am here because I feel so lost right now. The love for the OW who doesn’t want me and yet I am still at home, just existing! 
I need to sort out my life and allow my W to move on and find someone she deserves which is not me.

I would be lying if and when I do move on and leave home that I wouldn’t want to try with the OW if she was ever brave enough to leave her partner. She has on occasions that she would but I’m not sure she would want to break up her home and kids lives and I have to learn to accept that!

[Confused8647]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If this is WRT the "making it essentially impossible to contact them" idea, I think you have to do more than just this sort of stuff. Since you have her # etc, and can always re-contact, it's not really "fully impossible". If I understand this idea correctly (which is a valid question) it has to be actually essentially impossible, e.g. you actually lose all her contact info and such and she moves out of state. Something more like that. I think trying to fool your own brain so to speak doesn't work so well, since at some level you do know you could get back in touch.

Even so, it's not guaranteed to work anyhow from what I understand.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Confused8647 said:

  OW if she was ever brave enough to leave her partner. 

Yes, you have some reflecting to do. But don't do it alone. 

It's not as simple as "if I replace my boring spouse with my exciting lover life would be wonderful".  Actually it wouldn't. Because your exciting lover would become just as boring if the thrills, risks and deceit weren't there.

Yes you're creating an enormous amount of collateral damage because you won't get help with whatever is going on for you.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Contact an attorney for a consultation to discuss your options in divorce.

Your lover is not a coward for staying with her BF and children. She may have come to her senses and decided some cheap thrills aren't worth more than her family.

In your case, you don't care for your wife anymore, so rather than a passive-aggressive stunt like confessing the affair so she initiates the divorce, just end your unhappy marriage without unnessary injury to your wife in the process 

Edited April 29, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Confused8647]

So update. AP or OW whatever you want to call her. Just messaged me and then called me. I answered, no feeling from her side, no emotion. Called about work but also to ask me how I am. I know I need to let her go and I need to stop this. She knows how I feel, and last week were drunkenly in bed together, yet acts as if I’m nothing, we were nothing. I now know I need to stop this fixation. She has clearly moved on and is dealing with our relationship better than I am. I will always love her and wanted to be there for her, help her in anyways but I can’t do it anymore!!!

[Will am I]

One moment you have a wife and a lover. The next your affair has ended and you're getting ready to get out of your marriage.

Are you at this moment stable enough to handle such big and fast changes?

[Confused8647]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:Your lover is not a coward for staying with her BF and children. She may have come to her senses and decided some cheap thrills aren't worth more than her family.

I know she is not a coward for staying and her family is the most important thing to her, she has always said that, and it’s one of the things I love about her. I guess it’s a case of I wish I had met her early in life before both of us had our respective families and lives. I need to let her go. I just don’t know how to, well I do know how to but it’s just so hard. The thought of her not being in my life, not being there if I want to talk to her, or me being there for her. I have always done so much for her and at sometimes an outsider would say too much and I’ve been to nice and she has even said herself I’ve been too nice and need to stand up to her more. Sorry for the ramblings I feel like I’m back to the beginning trying to move on and forget. She said she would call me later and I honestly don’t know what to do or think!

[Confused8647]

Just now, Will am I said:

One moment you have a wife and a lover. The next your affair has ended and you're getting ready to get out of your marriage.

Are you at this moment stable enough to handle such big and fast changes?

Will am I, I really think I need to do both. Move out, be on my own. Get over everything and everyone. The difficulty is the children and the pain it is going to cause them. I have a great relationship with them but I’m not happy and don’t know how I ever will be