Affair is over but I am in love with AP!

[torn_heart]

8 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

Torn it’s incredible how one phone call today can make me almost wake up and how the thoughts of other has really helped. I have to do NC. She clearly doesn’t have the same feelings for me, and I have known that for a while but just ignored them. I think she likes the attention I give her but also now think she only talks to me if I make the first move, which I have always done!

I do need to work on my relationship with BS but before all these comments was adamant that I wanted out and wanted to give her the opportunity for love. I wish I could be the man the BS deserves, but I don’t think I am or can be 

Yup, very similar to OW. I was always the one reaching. As I told you, it would be a relationship where you would do all (or almost all) the work. It's not her, for some reason we get addicted to the giving, the person we are with these kind of toxic people, like we see our potential of loving and caring for someone and for some reason we cannot do it with the person next to us, and in my case, I was never so madly in love with my ex-GF as I am with OW (since I'm no longer with my GF I shouldn't call her OW, but it just seems natural). Maybe they are people that came into our life when we just wanted peace and not love.. don't know.

[Confused8647]

3 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Yup, very similar to OW. I was always the one reaching. As I told you, it would be a relationship where you would do all (or almost all) the work. It's not her, for some reason we get addicted to the giving, the person we are with these kind of toxic people, like we see our potential of loving and caring for someone and for some reason we cannot do it with the person next to us, and in my case, I was never so madly in love with my ex-GF as I am with OW (since I'm no longer with my GF I shouldn't call her OW, but it just seems natural). Maybe they are people that came into our life when we just wanted peace and not love.. don't know.

I used to tell AP every day I loved her and for months we would both be sending messages and calls and complementing each other. I guess in the end I was too much for her and the guilt she felt for her partner and kids was too much. I really believe that I love her more than anything but I also am now believing that love is not enough. I think she came into my life at a time when I was lonely and it felt so easy and natural and real that I just made excuses for my BS and children. I know I have taken them for granted and I think I am now realising that. Thank you for your comments.

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, Confused8647 said:

I used to tell AP every day I loved her and for months we would both be sending messages and calls and complementing each other. I guess in the end I was too much for her and the guilt she felt for her partner and kids was too much. I really believe that I love her more than anything but I also am now believing that love is not enough. I think she came into my life at a time when I was lonely and it felt so easy and natural and real that I just made excuses for my BS and children. I know I have taken them for granted and I think I am now realising that. Thank you for your comments.

It's not the guilt. Want me to tell you what I really think?

She seems to be a serial cheater, you are being all rainbows and roses, and maybe at some point... needy.

I think she got bored and might have met someone else, moving away and going NC will help you in whatever you wish to do.

[Confused8647]

3 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

It's not the guilt. Want me to tell you what I really think?

She seems to be a serial cheater, you are being all rainbows and roses, and maybe at some point... needy.

I think she got bored and might have met someone else, moving away and going NC will help you in whatever you wish to do.

TBH you’re probably spot on. She got bored sounds right and may have met someone else. The needy bit is probably true but is it wrong to want to speak to someone all the time, see them, spend time with them. I know I should’ve done that with my BS but I can’t help how I feel. 
NC is the only way to get over her. We work in the same organisation so there is a chance in the future we may come across each other but for now I need to have space and distance from her.

[Amethyst68]

Quote

 

One of my earlier posts I suggested I wished I had met my AP earlier and the reply made me really think, it said that if I had been with AP before children then I may be the one staying home looking after the kids whilst she was out getting drunk with some other male. This clearly hit a nerve with me and as I think about more I think I am seeing her for what she is. 

 

 

While you were thinking about this did it even cross your mind that you're doing this exact thing to your wife. Going out and having 'fun' while your wife has to deal with your children and real life.

Again I would ask why is what happens to your marriage your sole decision. You seem to expect your wife to just wait in the wings until you decide her future!

I also get the feeling from your posts that you're not looking for fun, it's excitement. No long term marriage is going to compete within an affair while you're still in love with the thrill of being with someone new. It's unrealistic to expect it to. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

but I also am now believing that love is not enough.

This is accurate IMO, and while perhaps it sometimes can be, reality is also that people fall in love with the wrong person or in the wrong situation/context all the time and it doesn't work out well (and sometimes VERY poorly). Narcissists with co-dependent people they walk all over, abused spouses with Stockholm Syndrome, people who pine for "the one who got away", people from very different cultures whose families can't accept the partner, Romeo and Juliet, etc, etc, etc...

[Confused8647]

9 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

While you were thinking about this did it even cross your mind that you're doing this exact thing to your wife. Going out and having 'fun' while your wife has to deal with your children and real life.

Again I would ask why is what happens to your marriage your sole decision. You seem to expect your wife to just wait in the wings until you decide her future!

I also get the feeling from your posts that you're not looking for fun, it's excitement. No long term marriage is going to compete within an affair while you're still in love with the thrill of being with someone new. It's unrealistic to expect it to. 

Yes it does cross my mind. However there is just something about the AP I can’t explain. It’s not just the physical stuff, it’s the connection, the communication we had. I know some people will say it’s not real life and any new relationship sometimes loses its spark but I can honestly say that just seeing the AP or seeing her name come up on my phone makes my heart skip a beat. None of this matters now through as she had made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t feel the same but I just can’t stop wanting her or thinking about her, hence this post. I know I need to get over it and move on, I just can’t seem to make that final move as I know that if I block her the reality is that’s it and it’s something I can’t seem to face even though it’s always been me doing the chasing and being too available, clearly that wasn’t what she wanted and she had her fun and had someone give her all the attention and gifts and I guess she has either found someone new to laugh with and spend time with or she may have finally chosen her partner and kids, I now know that I have to stop holding on to the memories and fantasies of what may be. I have always considered myself a romantic and I guess I have watched too many romantic films which have warped my vote of what love and soulmates should be. In respect of my BS I know I’m not being fair to her and she deserves to know the truth and have a chance of finding someone who wants her and will be there for her. That time will come but right now I need to get over the AP and I am really grateful for all the comments and advice. I keep waking up thinking this is the day I will stop thinking about her as she is clearly not thinking about me, but it’s still too raw.

[Confused8647]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

This is accurate IMO, and while perhaps it sometimes can be, reality is also that people fall in love with the wrong person or in the wrong situation/context all the time and it doesn't work out well (and sometimes VERY poorly). Narcissists with co-dependent people they walk all over, abused spouses with Stockholm Syndrome, people who pine for "the one who got away", people from very different cultures whose families can't accept the partner, Romeo and Juliet, etc, etc, etc...

She has walked all over me a million percent. I have always been too scared to tell her when she’s been mean or hurt me. I tried it a couple of times and she became very defensive, claiming she wasn’t. Since then I’ve been too scared to push her away which is exactly what I have done and whilst I never looked to far into the future and we never discussed our futures in any details there was a time when she said she wanted me to wait for her. I now know that is never going to happen. I am hoping by me having this platform to share my thoughts and your comments will really help me see this for what it is / was and allow me to accept that she and I will never be and then I can deal with my BS and children and having conversations in to what the future holds and whether there is anything that can be salvaged. I know if I told my BS the reason why I was upset a lot it would devastate her, and even though I have been horrible and clearly don’t deserve to be happy or to have a wife standby me without knowing the truth, I can’t at this time bear the thought of destroying her with the truth. Now this A is over I just need time to get over the AP first 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

 I can’t at this time bear the thought of destroying her with the truth. Now this A is over 

Is it over? It seems you're still excessively preoccupied with it. 

Why not consult an attorney as to your options in divorce? At least get facts rather than opinions.

Talk to a therapist for the same reason. Rather than making your wife and kids collateral damage. Deal with your issues privately and confidentiality with professional guidance.

Divorce and this much marital distress, cheating and damage is not a DIY situation. Start thinking of others.

 

[Confused8647]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it over? It seems you're still excessively preoccupied with it. 

Why not consult an attorney as to your options in divorce? At least get facts rather than opinions.

Talk to a therapist for the same reason. Rather than making your wife and kids collateral damage. Deal with your issues privately and confidentiality with professional guidance.

Divorce and this much marital distress, cheating and damage is not a DIY situation. Start thinking of others.

 

It seems to be from her point of view. Yes she messaged and called yesterday but there was no feeling or emotion. I get the impression she only spoke to me because she was bored. I know I need to stop being preoccupied with it, and stop! I have read enough threads to know I need to keep myself busy and not think about her as much. As I say I have deleted all my social media apps so can’t see her posting about her life and family and wishing she would just reach out to me. I guess deep in my heart I know she is engaged with children and wants to focus on them and have to just accept and respect that. It’s just damn hard!

[Amethyst68]

3 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

In respect of my BS I know I’m not being fair to her and she deserves to know the truth and have a chance of finding someone who wants her and will be there for her. That time will come but right now I need to get over the AP

These two things are not mutually inclusive. You've been prioritising yourself for years, and continue to do so now. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

It’s just damn hard!

Try not feeling sorry for yourself. You gambled and discarded your wife and kids for this risk and lost. That's part of  gambling. How is feeling upset about this helping your marriage, kids or home life? How is this helping you move forward and have the courage to divorce your wife? Start by reflecting on what to do next.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

I can honestly say that just seeing the AP or seeing her name come up on my phone makes my heart skip a beat.

You need to understand, you got a rush of adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin every time you saw her or her name came up on your phone. That’s very rewarding - it feels good and it reinforces the desire to see her.

You should also read up on intermittent reinforcement. It’s a powerful influence in affairs.

And finally - 

3 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

She has walked all over me a million percent. I have always been too scared to tell her when she’s been mean or hurt me. I tried it a couple of times and she became very defensive, claiming she wasn’t. Since then I’ve been too scared to push her away

This describes a very one sided relationship - she was clearly in control. The person who is in control always has the power, it’s the person who wants more and/or doesn’t have any power who is hurt the most. You formed an attachment to her but it was not secure - you were seeking her approval, you wanted to please her, you were afraid that she would withdraw from the relationship if you didn’t please her - another reason why you have such an unhealthy preoccupation with the woman. 

[Confused8647]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not feeling sorry for yourself. You gambled and discarded your wife and kids for this risk and lost. That's part of  gambling. How is feeling upset about this helping your marriage, kids or home life? How is this helping you move forward and have the courage to divorce your wife? Start by reflecting on what to do next.

Wiseman I didn’t see it as gambled for the risk. I have known the AP for 6 years and there has always been a connection. I didn’t mean for it to start or develop as it did. I definitely need to reflect on what to do next but don’t know where to start. I feel like I’m living in another persons body and just existing whilst everyone around me is carrying on. That may be that I have more issues than just the fact I’ve been rejected by someone I believe is my soulmate and one true love, but the reality is, she doesn’t feel the same or want the same, and as the beginning of this post says I need to get over her and it and move on, I know that now. I just can’t help feeling or wishing things were different. Having read enough threads to know how successful a relationship with the AP is after any D, I am not naive enough to know it would be incredibly difficult, but I honestly thought it would work. The sad reality is that it would never work. As I’ve said before she has ended it multiple times before saying she loved me and that she knew I wouldn’t break her heart, but she is breaking her own heart by ending it. I should’ve realised then, it would never work. The NC is the only way to go and I have now blocked her on all socials and deleted her number so there is no way back.

[Confused8647]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You need to understand, you got a rush of adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin every time you saw her or her name came up on your phone. That’s very rewarding - it feels good and it reinforces the desire to see her.

You should also read up on intermittent reinforcement. It’s a powerful influence in affairs.

And finally - 

This describes a very one sided relationship - she was clearly in control. The person who is in control always has the power, it’s the person who wants more and/or doesn’t have any power who is hurt the most. You formed an attachment to her but it was not secure - you were seeking her approval, you wanted to please her, you were afraid that she would withdraw from the relationship if you didn’t please her - another reason why you have such an unhealthy preoccupation with the woman. 

The highs were incredible and we would spend evening messaging, all night, which I know is incredibly selfish. My family do deserve better and I will take the time to decide what I want and try and either fix my M or at least have honest conversations as we are both awful at communicating how we are thinking or feeling.

[Confused8647]

2 hours ago, Amethyst68 said:

These two things are not mutually inclusive. You've been prioritising yourself for years, and continue to do so now. 

I know I do, but surely that is the first part of dealing with this. How can I even start to do the right thing or be honest with everyone, whilst I am in this frame of mind. I don’t want to be selfish, but accept I have been for years. I am just asking for time to sort my head out, which will then enable me to start the work with my family.

[Jonttu]

56 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

The highs were incredible and we would spend evening messaging, all night, which I know is incredibly selfish. My family do deserve better and I will take the time to decide what I want and try and either fix my M or at least have honest conversations as we are both awful at communicating how we are thinking or feeling.

I believe that you have lost all control over your wife and children by now. It is not in your hands anymore.

Your ex AP seems to have found a new lover, which will effectively close all access to her, access you hope you are still having.

This new lover is way more interesting and better than you. He has something you didn't have.

You can never be sure about what your ex AP decides to do. If you irritate her enough, she will have no problems going straight to your wife and spilling out everything to her. One day you might come home to see your bags packed at the door.

I wonder how much love your wife still has for you? It has been one-sided for years, because you have checked out of your marriage years ago. That one-sided love and emotions normally die out in the end and your wife will see you for who you are in reality.

Your wife might also have found a new Man. You would not have noticed it, you being in the affair fog.

Have you read about the syndrome of Walkaway Wives?

Another thing for you to worry about is the connection to your children. This new Man may have a very strong connection with your children. A real and loving connection.

In the end you lose everything; AP, your marriage, your life as you knew it, your in-laws, most of your friends, your reputation etc. Sorry, that is just how it goes.

Maybe you will find a new fling, a woman who wants to be the mommy in a romantical relationship so that you can have fun in the sun and act as an adult child?!?

You can give the power to your wife NOW, or you can wait for a bomb to be dropped... too many know already about your cheating and women tend to have difficulties keeping secrets.

In any way I doubt you have any power of "working on your marriage". That train left the station ages ago.

You don't have any power over your ex AP, now you try to cling on to your wife and children, telling yourself that you have power over them. Then it will all go back to you not having power over yourself and your actions.

Your wife could well have the Man of Her Dreams waiting in the shadows, hence you are also interferring with her life and her happiness - not to talk about your children's happiness.

Our dad was like you and he tried to come back to Mom and us. We shut him out of our lives. Mom tried for a while until finally dumping dad - like we begged her to do all the time - and we never wanted to reconnect with dad, he was an outsider and he was nothing compared to Mom's new Man, who made her happy. Him we love to this day. Dad is still a distant figure, no connection to speak of.

Please set your wife and children free!!!!!!

[Amethyst68]

2 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

I know I do, but surely that is the first part of dealing with this. How can I even start to do the right thing or be honest with everyone, whilst I am in this frame of mind. I don’t want to be selfish, but accept I have been for years. I am just asking for time to sort my head out, which will then enable me to start the work with my family.

Sounds like you just don't want to let go of your safety net.  It could take years to sort out issues and you are planning to keep your wife in the background until you make up your mind what you want.

After all these years of neglect she deserves the courtesy of making her own choices about her future. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

 I feel like I’m living in another persons body and just existing whilst everyone around me is carrying on.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Google "Depersonalization/derealization disorder".

That on addition to your claim that "you didn't mean to.." may indicate a compulsive disorder as well as your protracted ruminating or obsessing on this may also indicate some treatable medical, neurological, etc. issues.  Talk to  a professional who can give you one-on-one help.

[Web_of_confusion]

9 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

Yes it does cross my mind. However there is just something about the AP I can’t explain. It’s not just the physical stuff, it’s the connection, the communication we had. I know some people will say it’s not real life and any new relationship sometimes loses its spark but I can honestly say that just seeing the AP or seeing her name come up on my phone makes my heart skip a beat. None of this matters now through as she had made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t feel the same but I just can’t stop wanting her or thinking about her, hence this post. I know I need to get over it and move on, I just can’t seem to make that final move as I know that if I block her the reality is that’s it and it’s something I can’t seem to face even though it’s always been me doing the chasing and being too available, clearly that wasn’t what she wanted and she had her fun and had someone give her all the attention and gifts and I guess she has either found someone new to laugh with and spend time with or she may have finally chosen her partner and kids, I now know that I have to stop holding on to the memories and fantasies of what may be. I have always considered myself a romantic and I guess I have watched too many romantic films which have warped my vote of what love and soulmates should be. In respect of my BS I know I’m not being fair to her and she deserves to know the truth and have a chance of finding someone who wants her and will be there for her. That time will come but right now I need to get over the AP and I am really grateful for all the comments and advice. I keep waking up thinking this is the day I will stop thinking about her as she is clearly not thinking about me, but it’s still too raw.

Wow… I have to comment on your thoughts as it really hits a spot. I  haven’t ever posted on here as its very hard for me to write about my ex MM and our relationship, as I struggle finding the right words and getting to the point when it comes to us and him my mind runs 100 miles a minute in thoughts… 

However, i have to tell you, You are so much him… Everything you say about the way you feel about ow the wife, how you like to do things for her, spending everyday talking and messaging, you being the one to always be the one to reach out, knowing what the morally right thing to do yet feeling stuck…

 His ability to be so open and vulnerable with me from our first date on… the things he’d say, do was as if we were in each other’s heads, it was scary and beautiful as i have known there was someone on this planet that would be my one and only true love. I dreamt his name as a teenager and guess what? My mm  has that same name! 
 

 I have never told him this as i “felt” sharing these little bits of beautiful synchs would be compelling and i was dedicated to NOT share anything that would convince or compel him to “choose” me, to leave his marriage BECAUSE of me and i took it to the extreme… 

i hope to soon post my story as its been 6 years and two in almost no contact… until recently the dream i had is slowly coming to reality. His BS os starting to show her trie colors and this last tome she reached out with blackmail and threats of my own children was the straw that broke the camels back!

We have had some unexplainable occurrences that to this day, bring tears to my eyes when i think about them. As others including a preacher, came to me and spoke about a dream that well… its rather freaky and special. I will not share on here knowing it will likely get attacked and destroyed and well… thats just not cool. Because i have not ever experienced something like this ever! As a Catholic girl who ran from religion most of my life… i am NOW open and accept god into my life, but on My terms… MY perspective and interpretation of the bible, spirituality… not an organized religion that breeds more liars hypocrites and evil  people than anywhere else… 

Ok. Sorry for that rant.

I am not like the ow. I am single and very faithful and loyal when my heart is taken by one… I have two grown children and have provided a very stable and loving life for us. Both of my children are in their early twenties and since i have been working on healing the childhood wounds and traumas of my adolescence, we have grown and  learned so much… we have built better boundaries and communication since i was triggered and “awakened” to many many deep rooted  repressed trauma, deluded memories are now finally getting the attention and recognition needed. Our lives have been more abundant and blessed than ever before… i owe it to my ex MM. i will always love him, unconditionally. 

As a matter of fact, his  actions (cheating in marriage) was my ultimate deal breaker and still I trusted him with everything. I cannot explain how someone who doesn't allow people in, very protective of myself, my family, my home and he came into my life and turned everything on its side! 

As much as i know ill get ridiculed and judged for saying this… He is different. He is special, and his character is nothing like a cheater or abusive husband, and  the choices he made to marry were due to feelings of obligation and fear of his children having the same upbringing as him.
 

His home life as a child was was only him and his  single mother, an alcoholic. And the kicker, she had an affair with a MM. He, is  the product of that. His childhood wounds and trauma are heartbreaking. When he and i talked about it he opened up completely and vulnerably with me so easily, and no one else has ever been able to see the sides of him that i had. 
he repeatedly told me that i make him want to be a better person. He meant it and was taking steps to live that in existence.

until the pandemic struck… and now here we are in 2022

 

my reason for sharing is 1. I think there is some past wounds traumas and attachment styles that comes from our caretakers and nurturing as children that severely impact is in relationships as adults… i am healing and  dealing with that and its transformed my life and my perspectives on life and people.

2. Look into your birth chart. Seriously, DONT knock it until you actually get in there and learn just how much can be shown and proven by the things you have encountered and endured in life!
Look into the synastry chart of the two of you…  it will SHOW the truth. I PROMISE.
both will tell if you're apt to be a cheater, in an affair, love styles, partner preferences versus who is BEST for you… it will even help you find out exactly what these relationships purpose is… the lessons you need  to learn or teach each other, and so much more! 
 

 Its not bullshit and its been unbelievably accurate. I have done charts for so many people… natal, synastry & composite charts. Its fascinating! I wish that when i was in my teens i would have continued my hobby by educating myself on how to read charts. I was turned back onto this during the pandemic and my job was shut down. 

I would happily help you if this intrigues you at all. Im dying to see your synastry chart! If one of you have venus in the others 12th house, if her sun is in your 1st house… i feel like you are describing these aspects and especially the 12th house, it will show AFFAIRS, secret LOVE…

look into it! I swear it could be a great source for healing and  getting down to your issues. 

 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Web_of_confusion said:

His BS os starting to show her trie colors and this last tome she reached out with blackmail and threats of my own children was the straw that broke the camels back!

This is an interesting point.

If your lover  confesses to her fiancé or he finds out, he may contact your wife and try to destroy your family like he perceives you destroyed his. Another reason to delete and block this woman from all your social media and messaging apps.

[Confused8647]

4 hours ago, Jonttu said:

I believe that you have lost all control over your wife and children by now. It is not in your hands anymore.

Your ex AP seems to have found a new lover, which will effectively close all access to her, access you hope you are still having.

This new lover is way more interesting and better than you. He has something you didn't have.

You can never be sure about what your ex AP decides to do. If you irritate her enough, she will have no problems going straight to your wife and spilling out everything to her. One day you might come home to see your bags packed at the door.

I wonder how much love your wife still has for you? It has been one-sided for years, because you have checked out of your marriage years ago. That one-sided love and emotions normally die out in the end and your wife will see you for who you are in reality.

Your wife might also have found a new Man. You would not have noticed it, you being in the affair fog.

Have you read about the syndrome of Walkaway Wives?

Another thing for you to worry about is the connection to your children. This new Man may have a very strong connection with your children. A real and loving connection.

In the end you lose everything; AP, your marriage, your life as you knew it, your in-laws, most of your friends, your reputation etc. Sorry, that is just how it goes.

I know you are right, I just haven’t accepted it before. As I’ve said I never planned the A, or to fall in love even though there was a connection with the AP that I’ve never felt before. As you have rightly said the A is now over and I am grieving. As for my marriage I have neglected it as I felt for a long time I wanted more out of life. I still don’t know what the future holds and maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to confess all. At the moment I am at home for the children and for financial reasons. If that changes then I am more than likely going to leave. Right now though this post was about how to get over the AP that I still love. I know NC and moving on is the only way, and with support and maybe therapy I can do that. 

[Confused8647]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is an interesting point.

If your lover  confesses to her fiancé or he finds out, he may contact your wife and try to destroy your family like he perceives you destroyed his. Another reason to delete and block this woman from all your social media and messaging apps.

I am surprised that her partner has never found out about any of her past AP. I have gone through times we’re I’ve been told not to like posts on FB, not to send long messages in case her children see them. All of that makes me sad now because all I wanted to do was make her happy, show her how loved she was. I know people will say I should be saying and doing that to my BS and they’re right, but you can’t help who you love!

[Amethyst68]

18 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

but you can’t help who you love!

This is rubbish.  What you can't help is finding someone attractive. Everything after that is a conscious choice,  ones that as someone already married you should have not have made. You could have chosen to cut off all contact before it reached the point of an affair!

 

Anyway as your OW has had multiple affairs it's even more important your wife gets tested for STIs.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

I am surprised that her partner has never found out about any of her past AP. I have gone through times we’re I’ve been told not to like posts on FB, not to send long messages in case her children see them. 

Yes, leave her alone. Her fiancé may still find out or in an attempt to repair their relationship she may confess and be transparent. Hopefully she deletes everything about you and blocks you. Your obsession is damaging so many lives at once. Stop. She seems to have come to her senses hopefully you can as well.