Affair is over but I am in love with AP!

[Amethyst68]

On 5/3/2022 at 6:58 PM, Confused8647 said:

There were times over the weekend where we finally started to talk and we both accepted we don’t talk enough. She accuses me of not chit chatting and I have started to open up about how unhappy I have been as a couple and as a family. I don’t know what the future holds but I think it may be a start 

No, just no! It is immensely unfair of you to put that on your wife while you are lying to her. It's deceitful trying to get her to change to make you happier while you are still so emotionally involved with your OW. It's manipulation at the very least. 

[Jonttu]

So you still think it is all in your hands, huh?

My ex-fiancé cheated on me. OW told me. I broke the engagement and dumped him.

I was only happy for it, because my life was too precious to me.

He was crushed, because I refused to even talk with him after that. There was nothing to discuss.

He found another way to ruin my life. He started to cry to all his male friends and looked miserable all the time.

In the end his friends could not stand his whining, so they approached me. They begged me for weeks to take him back, to acknowledge how much he was 'hurting' and other bs.

One evening I could not stand his friends anymore, so I took him back - on my terms.

His only task was to reply to all my questions. I asked him everything. No trickle-truthing.

One day there were no more questions to ask him. The betrayal was in the past and not on my mind.

He thought we would be happy and in love. In reality his betrayal explained to me the disconnect I had felt and sensed. Now he wanted to reconnect with me, but I was totally indifferent, didn't feel anything for him.

Life with him was boring to no end. He was as boring as boring can get.

One year later I wanted to get rid of him for good, but was definitely not going to take any blame or shame for it. I knew what he was like and what his weak spots were. My sister and I hatched a plan. She was going to seduce him and tell me the second he falls for her.

He fell for her seduction, she told me immediately and I dumped him and explained why. He could not argue with me, knowing what he did.

To this day he tries to get me back. Never ever!

However, in the end it was not the betrayal that was the reason for me breaking up with him. It was him disconnecting from me so he could have his OW for a moment. When he wanted to reconnect, I had already connected with other people - definitely not with him, nor was I willing to do that either - and I saw him for what he was like: boring as boring can be.

You might falsely believe that you can reconnect with your wife and children just like that, but sorry amigo... it doesn't work like that. Chances are that nor she or her children even cares about you. And it was you who checked out of the marriage, so don't you dare dump the blame on your wife for something that you did on your own.

Prepare yourself for her ignorance, for you being last on her list, not important anymore.

[mark clemson]

As you can see, a lingering, gnawing bitterness, and the potential for it to be acted on later on, is ONE of the risks you take if you decide to inform your wife.

[Starswillshine]

11 hours ago, mark clemson said:

As you can see, a lingering, gnawing bitterness, and the potential for it to be acted on later on, is ONE of the risks you take if you decide to inform your wife.

But that it is all ok to be living her life based on lies? For her maybe to be sitting around blaming herself for all their issues, trying her hardest potentially to save their marriage, to bring back the spark but it isn't hitting home because he is chasing after some other woman? 

I get life isn't fair and people will be betray you, but in no life of mine would I ever want to be blissfully ignorant to things done behind my back. 

Being a decent human is to be honest with the people you share your life with. Sad that this woman is sharing a bed with a man who speaks about his love for her this way. 

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, mark clemson said:

As you can see, a lingering, gnawing bitterness, and the potential for it to be acted on later on, is ONE of the risks you take if you decide to inform your wife.

Indeed. It would definitely be better for him if he did not tell his wife that he has been having sex and fell in love with another woman. 🙄

At the end of the day OP, the only question that matters is - what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be the kind of man who betrays his family and keeps this secret for years? Or, do you want to live an authentic life with integrity? Do you want to be the man that the people you love think you are or are you just going to pretend? Answer these questions, and it will help you to find your way forward. 

Edited May 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

On 5/3/2022 at 1:58 PM, Confused8647 said:

 I have started to open up about how unhappy I have been as a couple and as a family.

You may inspire her to divorce you by complaining how unhappy you are.

[heartwhole2]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You may inspire her to divorce you by complaining how unhappy you are.

And even if you don't choose to tell her you had an affair, she may find out through some other means, and she'll look back on this time and think, "Wait, when he was going on and on about what I needed to change, he was having/ending an affair at the same time. No f***ing way."

[Jonttu]

OP,  IMO you have already lost your wife and children. Pray that they don't find out about your infidelity from someone else!

Here is a true story, told by the OW:

She was devastated, that her stepdaughter 'won'.

Stepdaughter had always looked after the other kids (sister and brother), replacing their dead mother.

Dad moves in OW, who complains that 16-year old stepdaughter 'disrespects' HER. Dad immediately takes OW's side and kicks out his daughter, telling her that she can maybe come back if she changes her demeanor and apologizes to HIS wife.

OW complained that his daughter did not acknowledge her enough....

They thought kicking her out would bring her back in line, lol

She moved in with her grandparents. Father tried to send SMS messages how he loves his daughter very much, how she was welcomed home - provided she would respect his wife etc. Daughter responded 'You have lost me forever, hope you are happy with your choice!'

He also got the wrath of his wealthy parents, who treated his evicted daughter like a princess.

She invited her dad to her graduation, but because OW wasn't invited her dad stayed at home.  His father (stepfather) denounced him, which was a blow to him.

When his other daughter and son graduated, neither one of them invited their dad to the graduation. They also moved in with his grandparents, to live with their big sister.

OW's son did the same. When he was about to graduate, he moved in with his dad and ordered his mom to never contact him ever again.

They were left with their bio daughter, six years old.

OW hoped that none of his kids would be successful, but they did. Their dad has tried to contact them, but none of them speaks with him.

Their dad had a cancer scare, so he called his parents. They said "hope everything turns out okay" and hung up. His children won't reply to his several SMS messages, e-mails or phone calls.

OW contacted the eldest daughter, who replied 'my dad died 7 years ago' and hung up.

Their dad and OW could only follow them on the social media, where everybody posted about their luxurious cruises, trips to Europe, Dubai, everywhere. 

In the end his son wrote him a message: "Dad,  based on your previous actions it's clear that you don't love or care about us anymore. Do you know how hurt your daughter was when you didn't show up at her graduation? Dad, she cried for a week. She feels abandoned. Not only is she a our older sister, but a mother figure to her siblings.

 The whole family thinks you messed up. If you want us to have a relationship with you, you have to apologize to her, Do that, then you have a family again, if not then this is how it's going to be.

Please do the right thing dad.  The ball is in you court

Your Son"

Their dad pondered a few days, went to OW and told her he wanted a divorce.

Which is why OW thinks her stepdaughter 'won', as if they were in a competition.

OP, your relationship with your children will never be the same. Never. They will lose respect for you and resent you, because you hurt their mother and didn't even have the balls to come clean. Instead you chose to blame the victim.

Besides, what is the point of you trying to form any relationship with your family? If OW whistles you run to her, forgetting again about your children and your wife.

Try to observe how open your wife is today? I doubt she is sharing anything important with you anymore. You rejected her too many times, so she has closed up when it comes to you.

Many have told here that you need therapy. Please listen to them.

Edited May 9, 2022 by Jonttu

[mark clemson]

On 5/8/2022 at 6:37 AM, Starswillshine said:

But that it is all ok to be living her life based on lies?

On 5/8/2022 at 7:35 AM, BaileyB said:

Indeed. It would definitely be better for him if he did not tell his wife that he has been having sex and fell in love with another woman. 🙄

 

So, yes I do indeed generally advise the OP, not others, since the others are not posting here.

Telling might possibly have beneficial results for the OP, it also might not. No one around here is capable of accurately predicting the future, and indeed telling might not benefit OP's spouse in the greater scheme of things. For example, what if she has secretly been contemplating suicide and a Dday prompts her to go through with it. Or she leaves him but then hooks up with a meth dealer. Those are two of a vast multitude of possible negative scenarios.

Speaking generally, when kids are involved "taking the BS's side" WRT telling often ignores the impact on children of the (potential) divorce as well.

It's also possible that not telling will in fact result in the most beneficial result for the spouse, with them living what they consider to be "a great life" in ignorance of what happened. We actually all go through our lives not fully aware of factors that might have impacted what we considered to be our well-being. Your boss was planning to lay you off, but luckily didn't, etc, etc, etc.

At any rate, it's nice when there is a solution that "makes everyone happy", but that's generally not the case in affair situations. Pointing out the risks of telling to OP is certainly fair to OP, and they can make their own decisions, just perhaps in a more fully and fairly informed and considered manner.

[Starswillshine]

2 hours ago, Jonttu said:

OP, your relationship with your children will never be the same. Never. They will lose respect for you and resent you, because you hurt their mother and didn't even have the balls to come clean. Instead you chose to blame the victim.

My ex-husband and my eldest daughter do not have any sort of relationship, and he never pursued a real relationship with his OW. I try my hardest to help repair that relationship, but my daughter is not hearing it. She sees him as cheating on the family as a whole. When I broke down and told her that I was filing for divorce, she told me "it is about time, mom. You need to respect yourself."  

My 2 younger ones were ok for awhile. They seemed to have good relationship with their dad, but now that is changing. I think they are starting to understand. Of course, there are other things involved her (mainly the sort of person he is and his current girlfriend), but you are right, the relationship with kids will never be the same. 

The problem with what mark is trying to suggest (staying quiet due to consequences) is the damage is already one. It is just a ticking time bomb. You can never relax because at any point in time, the house of cards can come crashing down. Yes, there is a chance you can take it to the grave. But if it blows up, it blows up spectacularly. Coming clean yourself is a million times better for everything. Denying someone their truth is one of the worst things, imo. I know, I lived it. And I have had so many traumas in my life, unfortunately. 

[Amethyst68]

Not wanting to repeat myself but I will.  The OP needs to tell his wife so she can get tested for STIs. It doesn't matter if the OP has had one (though I doubt it's even crossed his mind) there's no Male test for HPV which can lead to cancer and maybe even death.  Not to mention it can still be transmitted even while using a condom. 

Let's not forget the AP here has had multiple affairs so the AP also needs to take their sexual histories into account. 

I know this can happen outside of affairs too but the difference is everyone involved is a consenting party, unlike the OP's BW!

As for the comments about possible issues with his children. Everything he has written about them shows clearly he has already distanced himself from them, to the extent that, in his words, he would give them up to be with his OW. Not one mention of shared custody just straightforward leaving them! The children are already an after thought, a hindrance to his happiness. 

[stillafool]

Oh please tell your wife to go get tested.  Keeping her in the dark and potentially ruining her health would be unforgivable.  Plus if you're in love with your OW that's okay; but please be truthful to your wife and let her go.  She deserves to be with a man who is in love with her.  

[stillafool]

On 5/8/2022 at 10:54 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You may inspire her to divorce you by complaining how unhappy you are.

I hope so but then she would probably blame herself when it's not her fault.

OP, look things happen and people fall in love with other people.  It's how you handle the situation that makes the difference.  Here you have a chance to come clean and live an authentic life and let your wife live one.  Please don't be selfish and steal the joy of another.

Edited May 10, 2022 by stillafool

[Confused8647]

The A is over and probably has been for a while. It is clear I have been wanting my AP and she doesn’t feel the same. The whole purpose of this post was about my feelings for the AP and not my family or children. I respect everyone’s comments and the ones about my children certainly hit home. I am not going to tell my BS about the A. I still think at the moment that in time I will leave and let her be free to find someone else, but work and finances make it extremely difficult. I know what I have done and the damage I have caused. I hope in time I can learn to live with what I’ve done and do the right thing

[torn_heart]

5 minutes ago, Confused8647 said:

The A is over and probably has been for a while. It is clear I have been wanting my AP and she doesn’t feel the same. The whole purpose of this post was about my feelings for the AP and not my family or children. I respect everyone’s comments and the ones about my children certainly hit home. I am not going to tell my BS about the A. I still think at the moment that in time I will leave and let her be free to find someone else, but work and finances make it extremely difficult. I know what I have done and the damage I have caused. I hope in time I can learn to live with what I’ve done and do the right thing

Have you started therapy yet?

You really should, it has helped me a lot. 

Edited May 13, 2022 by torn_heart

[Confused8647]

36 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Have you started therapy yet?

You really should, it has helped me a lot. 

No not yet. I’ve never had a therapist. I’m in the process of moving on from AP and the A. I understand that it is definitely over, and for some reason I feel calm about it. I’m just living one day at a time. I am speaking more at home and engaging with everyone more. Some people will be say that is only because the AP is no longer around, but I am just trying my best at this time

[heartwhole2]

You can search for articles on how to get over a break-up when you didn't want the relationship to end. People are suggesting you focus on the issues that caused you to have an affair in the first place, as you're likely to continue injuring yourself and others if you don't get to the bottom of those.

The good thing about therapists is that you're paying them to help you, so they're less likely than internet strangers to be blunt and impatient.

[Jonttu]

On 5/14/2022 at 2:20 AM, Confused8647 said:

No not yet. I’ve never had a therapist. I’m in the process of moving on from AP and the A. I understand that it is definitely over, and for some reason I feel calm about it. I’m just living one day at a time. I am speaking more at home and engaging with everyone more. Some people will be say that is only because the AP is no longer around, but I am just trying my best at this time

So many here have suggested therapy, that it could really be something worth thinking about.... so that you are not faced with a situation where individual therapy is something that could really work in your advantage. Better sooner than later.

Here is a typical story, where both APs left their SOs. Both had children of their own and the children found out about the affair. APs got married, she has her children living there full-time, they have one biological child and the husband has two children.

The wife was asking for help on the internet regarding her husband's kids.

The problem is that the kids don't want to visit their dad at all. Their mother forces them to visit their dad, to take his calls and to reply to his texts. He tries his everything to build a connection with his children, but they treat him with utter disrespect.

Their affair is thrown in their faces by the children all the time. They have tried to get the children to therapy, but the children tell them straight that there is nothing wrong with their mental health, it is the cheaters who need therapy, not them.

This woman thinks that the betrayed mother should do even more???? What does she have to do, seriously??? They wrecked their home, she is under no obligation to do anything, yet she has taken the high road and forces the children to visit their dad and keep at least some contact with him.

This woman is certain that their mother has alterior motives... shock and horror, lol

They hoped that things would change after the ex-wife fell in love and re-married the man of her life, but nothing has changed, it has only got worse.

The children look up to their step dad, won't stop talking about him, praising him and further disrespecting their dad and his new wife by telling how they admire their step dad's awesome qualities; honesty, integrity and faithfulness.

Now the APs marriage is going into pieces, because the children remind them all the time of their cheating affair and how they need therapy - and their dad would want to spend time with them, but they can't wait until they get to go home to spend time with their step dad.

It would be better if you would have therapy under your belt beforehand. It would be wrong to drag innocent victims to therapy sessions when it is you who need the therapy.

Not to bash you, but so that you can understand yourself better.

 

[Confused8647]

Update

Sorry I have been distant for a while. I needed time and space to think...................

Since my last posts it was the AP birthday.....I know i raised the subject of whether I should wish her Happy birthday or do something.

The honest truth is I bought her a gift. Delivered it to her work. Spoke to her on the phone to wish her a Happy Birthday and she said I had been too busy for her, when she had cancelled previous plans. Suggested we meet the next day. I agreed. I returned to work and collected the gift so I could give it to her in person. That night she messaged cancelling it with a lame excuse. Stupid me, still decides to give her the gift and so I returned to her work and left it for her. Fast forward a couple of weeks and we saw each other at a work event, usual hello greeting. As she had said previously she doesn't want to be seen with me at a work event, we didn't speak all night. We somehow left at the same time and although alcohol fuelled she had a go at me for leaving at a similar time to her and that I never listen. There and then I decided to block her on everything. The following week, in a moment of weakness I unblocked her, but never made any contact. This week she messages a simple Hey. No apology or anything. She then calls me and stupidly I answer and she needed help with a work matter. I have helped her and the next day she calls just for a chat!! To be honest this last month has made the distance easier. I am finding things to keep myself busy. Deleted FB so not to see all her posts. In respect of home, nothing has changed. I am home more, more things with the family, but I still feel there is more for me out there in life, and when circumstances allow, I will leave. The A is definitely over and I have vowed not to see AP again, and not to contact her again. If she reaches out in the future I want to get to the point where seeing her name on my phone doesn't make my heart skip a beat. I have learnt what she is actually really like, and her personality, and whilst there are some amazing things about her, the bad actually now outweighs the good, my blinkers are finally off.

My advice to anyone, as has been sent a million times, an affair is not worth the pain. The highs are incredible, but very selfish!! The lows are an indescribable pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I know I have a long way to go and I know I am going to destroy my family life, but at least now I can do it without anyone else in the background, confusing matters!!

[Confused8647]

I also feel a lot better and trying to keep myself busy, which is a huge help. 

 

[Wiseman2]

So the affair is on/off?

[Confused8647]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So the affair is on/off?

Off. Definitely off.

[Bittersweetie]

6 hours ago, Confused8647 said:

I am home more, more things with the family, but I still feel there is more for me out there in life, and when circumstances allow, I will leave.

When I was in my affair, my husband made a big career decision. He told me later that if he'd known what I was doing, he would have made a different decision. I took the truth of his own life away from him when I had my affair. He thought our relationship was one way, but I made it another without his knowledge. He made life decisions for himself and us without all the facts.

The above quote...why wait? Your wife is not living the life she thinks..first because you are having an affair, and now because you are waiting until "circumstances allow" to leave. You still are taking the truth of her life away from her. Even if things are far from perfect, does she really continue to deserve the disrespect you are giving her and your marriage? Is that the kind of man you want to be?

I'm glad you see the affair has ended and I hope you have started counseling to work through everything.

[BaileyB]

On 6/10/2022 at 4:00 AM, Confused8647 said:

I am home more, more things with the family, but I still feel there is more for me out there in life, and when circumstances allow, I will leave.

All I could think when I read your post was, your poor wife. 

I feel sorry for your wife because she is married to a man who was foolishly taken in by another woman and now pretends to be a devoted family man even though he is planning his escape. In the meantime, she’s living her life and raising your children. As was said above, if your intention is to leave the kindest thing you could do for your wife would be to be honest with her and make a decision about the future of your marriage now. She should be allowed to live a life that is authentic and real.

As for you, in the words of my partner’s lawyer when he was considering divorce from his ex-wife, the longer you stay, the more you will pay… 

 

 

Edited June 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Personally, OP, I'd be very confused why it's perfectly ok for someone who's never cheated to hide information about their intent to divorce from a partner, but somehow NOT ok for someone who cheated. Pretty flagrant double-standard about "honesty". So, don't go beating yourself up. If you've decided you're going to leave the marriage, then that's what you've decided, and you might as well act in what you see as your best interest.

Edited June 13, 2022 by mark clemson