What is the average love relationship like

[Mysterio]

So in your life experience. What do you think the average relationship is like?  Do you think that we that are single are making it way too much of a big deal?  Why does it seem to me its like a single person who wants to have a relationship has lots of obstacles.  Mainly I think its looks.  

I turned 51 on March [ ] and my idea of relationships have changed.  I feel like 75% of us are going to go in and out of relationships.  Planned or not outside of death.  25 % of us will hit one romantic relationship for life and stay with that person.  Half are going thru the motion.  The other half basically don't have major issues or problems within the relationship.  

I see a lot of my ex school mates breaking up.  Same with Co-Workers.  I wonder if we are not really designed to be long term with each other.  Something does not feel right.  I can only speak as a man.  If feels like women can slide from relationship to relationship a bit smoother than men can. 

Whats everyones take?

Edited April 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed date of birth

[vla1120]

I think it depends on the individual and how they are "adhering" (or not adhering) to societal expectations (marriage as an institution). I'm 61. I followed the path of expectation, married by 21, first of three children by 23, then divorced after 32 years of marriage, then became a widow from my second (drama-filled) marriage.  While I wouldn't change anything that didn't result in me having my three daughters, I do feel I wasted some of the best years of my life struggling through a failing marriage (two, actually.) 

Funny thing is, I have the opposite view as you. I think it's easier for men to slide from relationship to relationship, but I could be wrong. All I know is, now that I have a clearer understanding of what a relationship SHOULD look like (giving respect, loyalty and honesty, expecting the same in return, and not accepting less than that), I cannot seem to find someone who doesn't have an issue with one of those three things. 

Maybe it also has to do with generation/age. None of my grown daughters are married. The two older daughters have no desire nor intent to get married or have children. The youngest one is in a relationship and plans to marry, but not have children. I think different generations have different expections. 

[glows]

You're speaking as an individual, not for all men. I don't think either men or women have it easier. We just evolve over time and our expectations with it. Avoid too much cynicism. It really dulls life.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Mysterio said:

So in your life experience. What do you think the average relationship is like?  Do you think that we that are single are making it way too much of a big deal?  Why does it seem to me its like a single person who wants to have a relationship has lots of obstacles.  Mainly I think its looks.  

I turned 51 on March 11/22 and my idea of relationships have changed.  I feel like 75% of us are going to go in and out of relationships.  Planned or not outside of death.  25 % of us will hit one romantic relationship for life and stay with that person.  Half are going thru the motion.  The other half basically don't have major issues or problems within the relationship.  

I see a lot of my ex school mates breaking up.  Same with Co-Workers.  I wonder if we are not really designed to be long term with each other.  Something does not feel right.  I can only speak as a man.  If feels like women can slide from relationship to relationship a bit smoother than men can. 

Whats everyones take?

What I've learned is that trying to live life inside of a template or set belief system stacks the odds against a relationship working out well for both people in it.

First I believe that people conflate love with relationship.  You can have one without the other, so having one doesn't necessarily mean that the other will develop.

There shouldn't be an average relationship.  Every one should be unique and run according to what works for those two people.  But I think we know that everyone doesn't believe in this.  Some do think that by this age you should be married, by this age you should have kids, and so on. 

Now if you have two people that truly are on board with that plan, then it can work very well, but it's because those are two people that are aligned, not necessarily because the plan itself is the "right" way to go.  There are plenty of plans, outlooks on life that can lead to happiness, and they've found one that works for them.  The most important thing in a relationship is to find someone that you are aligned with as far as life goes, not that this person looks the part or talks the part, or not even because you are madly in love with this person.  Having passion does not prepare a couple for a relationship.  You'll only truly know if they are right once you're on the journey and they live that part.  Relationships are risky, you can't really know that this is the right person for you until it's proven over time. Just my opinion.

Edited April 29, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Mysterio said:

Whats everyones take?

56 year old male here... So in my experience, I did slide in and out of quite a few relationships (easily).  Most of my relationships lasted 3 months, 6 months, 1 year at the most.  A couple of them lasted 18-24 months. 

I was very nomadic in my youth and didn't like to stay in one place for more than a couple of years.  So I do think that was a factor in how my relationships played out.  My father wanted me to plant roots, get married and have kids, but that wasn't for me.  My mother had a half-brother that was nomadic, so she understood me and actually thought it might be something in my genes.  Mom knew being single and dating around made me happy, so she never suggested I settle down.

I did teach myself to be social. I developed my own "system" for interacting with women, which taught me the best way to date, etc.

Eventually, my nomadic gene got its fill and I planted roots in the desert.  I also met my current long term girlfriend of 10 years, who is now living with me.  Currently, we are both happy.

I never really ran into any obstacles while dating and could easily find a woman to date.  As far as "looks" go, I consider myself quite average in that department.  I look like the average man you would see in your day to day travels.  Up until a few years ago, I enjoyed running, so I did have what is called a "runner's body" -- maybe lanky (tall and thin) is a better term??  If I found the woman interesting -- I continued to ask her out/see her.

As far as breaking up, if the relationship stopped being fun -- I got out.  I never stayed in any relationship that made me unhappy or seemed like work.

I do think not marrying (nor having kids) allowed me to due some higher risk real estate investing, which in turn allowed me to retire early (at 52).  So this has been a very happy consequence in regards to my decision to not marry/have kids.

I tried to answer the questions in your opening post, but if you have any follow up ones, please feel free to post/ask.  And I'll try to answer them.

By the way... Happy "belated" Birthday!!

 

[Mysterio]

46 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

56 year old male here... So in my experience, I did slide in and out of quite a few relationships (easily).  Most of my relationships lasted 3 months, 6 months, 1 year at the most.  A couple of them lasted 18-24 months. 

I was very nomadic in my youth and didn't like to stay in one place for more than a couple of years.  So I do think that was a factor in how my relationships played out.  My father wanted me to plant roots, get married and have kids, but that wasn't for me.  My mother had a half-brother that was nomadic, so she understood me and actually thought it might be something in my genes.  Mom knew being single and dating around made me happy, so she never suggested I settle down.

I did teach myself to be social. I developed my own "system" for interacting with women, which taught me the best way to date, etc.

Eventually, my nomadic gene got its fill and I planted roots in the desert.  I also met my current long term girlfriend of 10 years, who is now living with me.  Currently, we are both happy.

I never really ran into any obstacles while dating and could easily find a woman to date.  As far as "looks" go, I consider myself quite average in that department.  I look like the average man you would see in your day to day travels.  Up until a few years ago, I enjoyed running, so I did have what is called a "runner's body" -- maybe lanky (tall and thin) is a better term??  If I found the woman interesting -- I continued to ask her out/see her.

As far as breaking up, if the relationship stopped being fun -- I got out.  I never stayed in any relationship that made me unhappy or seemed like work.

I do think not marrying (nor having kids) allowed me to due some higher risk real estate investing, which in turn allowed me to retire early (at 52).  So this has been a very happy consequence in regards to my decision to not marry/have kids.

I tried to answer the questions in your opening post, but if you have any follow up ones, please feel free to post/ask.  And I'll try to answer them.

By the way... Happy "belated" Birthday!!

 

Thanks HL.  I think that one has to wait until a baseline is developed before having cohabbing/kids/marriage.

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Mysterio said:

I think that one has to wait until a baseline is developed before having cohabbing/kids/marriage.

Prior to my current girlfriend, I did live with one other woman after dating almost a year.  The whole thing went BAD after she moved into my home and I asked her to leave.  I didn't live with another woman for 25 years!!

As far as my current girlfriend, neither she nor I wanted to live together, but she was priced out of the rental market and couldn't find an apartment.  We both prefer our own space, but I didn't want to see her homeless, so she moved into my home.

[Mysterio]

HL.  I think that even in a home.  Your new GF can have space.  For me I live in a condo.  So I would have to do things to make it fit for me.  

[Happy Lemming]

@Mysterio  We are doing fine... 

So getting back to your original question... What was your dating life like up until now??  Did you ever live with anyone??

At 51 are you wanting a partner to enjoy retirement with??  Are you planning what you might like to do when you retire??

Have you enjoyed your life thus far??  Anything you've always wanted to do but didn't??

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Mysterio said:

HL.  I think that even in a home.  Your new GF can have space.  For me I live in a condo.  So I would have to do things to make it fit for me.  

Of course, she may own a larger home and it would be more practical for you to move in with her and rent your place out.  Or if you marry, you could both sell and buy something together.   

 

[mark clemson]

My best guess (without having done any research) would be that the "average" relationship lasts perhaps 2 years or so and starts out great with lots of fun and enjoyment of the new partnership, but then either gradually fizzles out due to personality issues/incompatibilities/no longer "fun" or in some cases ends with a sudden bang of some sort (e.g. a sudden decision to leave, but could be any number of things).

It's possible the "average" is actually multi-modal and there are (perhaps) lots of shorter "fling-like" relationships as well as a good number that last 4-5 years as people "try to make it work", and so there's actually a relative dip in the graph where the mathematical average shows up. Happens with lots of real things, e.g. home prices.

I think it's important to remember. e.g., when you hear people talk about "failed" relationships, that the vast majority of relationships end, and so "failed" ones can be re-interpreted as "normal ones" that ended.

As per @vla1120's point, my understanding is that biologically the tendency is for humans to be serial monogamists, ie. a series of monogamous relationships being biologically normal, and society/culture (often) overlays an expectation or social norm of lifelong monogamy, with varying degrees of success. Even for many (not all) "lifetime marriages" one or both had at least a few prior, shorter relationships.

Edited April 30, 2022 by mark clemson

[Weezy1973]

48 year old male. It’s been a mix of long term relationships (2 yrs +) and shorter relationships, and lots and lots of dating. I’m now married, and happy. I think relationships are hard. A lot of things that are valuable are hard. Great career. Physical and mental health. Financial security. 
 

I think we humans are somewhat monogamous. And that creates conflicts. I do believe if someone truly wants a lifelong relationship, that can happen. However we live in the now, and many folks believe how I’m feeling right now is the most important thing. And generally that doesn’t bode well for your future you. If you want to be in a long term relationship, you’ll want someone with longterm relationship qualities. Dependability, reliability, compassion,  honesty, trustworthiness etc. Basically all sorts of qualities that don’t ignite immediate passion. And as long as immediate passion is top of mind, having long term relationships will suffer.

[Woggle]

Finding a truly happy relationship that lasts is like winning the lottery. Most of the time they either end or the people end up hating each other. The fact that the pandemic destroyed so many relationships is no suprise because in a crisis you see a person's true nature. I won the lottery but not a lot of people will.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Mysterio said:

I see a lot of my ex school mates breaking up.  Same with Co-Workers. 

That's true. There's a phenomenon called "Gray Divorce". It refers to what you're saying about your peers. A combo of kids are older, midlife crisis and wondering what else life has to offer.

Edited April 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's a phenomenon called "Gray Divorce".

Yes... I've been hearing about that more and more.  Seems to be a very real problem.

[understand50]

OK,

70 plus man in a 50 Plus marriage.  We have many friends in long term marriages and relationships.  I think people tend to "Flock" together.  Yes, we have had our issues, but we did stay together, and as in most things in life  are mostly happy.  There are people, who for one thing or another, just are not the long term relationship type, or never crack the code in doing so.  In the past, society looked for marriage, it does not now, so the rise of the unmarried.  Who knows if  this will change back, as the only thing I really know is that things do not stay the same.  For myself, I am happy with my life and how it has ran.  There is no right way in living your life, one must decide how to live, and not regret things at the end.

My two cents....

[FMW]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

midlife crisis

I'm a 57 year old female.  At the age of 50 and after 23 years of marriage, I don't think my divorce was brought about by a midlife crisis, just an awakening to the fact that life is short.  Six years later the only thoughts I have about choosing to divorce are why did I wait so long (and the answer to that is resistance to change and guilt about the marriage vow of til death to us part not being kept).  

My parents were very happily married for over 50 years and that only ended with my dad's death.  I have no doubt that  relationships can remain good.  But many don't stand the test of time, for many reasons.  

All relationships - family, friends, romantic partners - can be difficult at times.  Some difficulties can be worked through.  Others can't.  All we can do is take time and try and choose romantic partners with whom we are compatible and to whom we can truly commit (and who can truly commit to us).  But there are no guarantees.  

I've been involved with someone for 2 1/2 years, I certainly haven't lost faith in relationships.  I hope that I have learned a thing or two over the years, like being patient and realistic and honest with myself, and with him.  Neither of us want to marry or even live together full time, but we are fully involved in each others' lives.  It's important to find someone that agrees on those basics as well.     

Edited April 30, 2022 by FMW

[chillii]

l never get the society or social expectations or whatever stuff. l've never thought about so called society anything in my life. Who cares l do my thing always have anyone else can climb trees for all l care. Although l realize for women things can be different especially younger though.

lf you really wanna know look at divorce rates around the world. They vary quite a lot. And of course the first thing anyone with a chip on their shoulder will bark of is oh , they just stay in bad marriages but nope that's very often not the case at all some yeah but just bc some nationalities make a go of things doesn't mean just staying in bad marriages. Anyway, read up on all that you'll be pleasantly surprised with many and make up your own mind.

Me, 50s l was married 22yrs still on vg terms with ex and with someone else now l prefer coupleness, she was married 20yrs to. Most people l know have been married yrs,parents 56yrs, most in my whole district are married families, around a million. l dunno about society but it is pretty well mostly the norm in my parts .But yeah 40s and 50s is also a common divorcing age, kids grown, mid life crisis's or just bad marriages.

The few single people l know are mostly single right through and yeah at their age now 3, all 50s, living single so long, a few short relationships, knowing them l couldn't see they'd adapt to anything long term now days.

Edited May 1, 2022 by chillii

[chillii]

As far as what they're like , mine , she's a very special lady and we have a very special thing but we've had our ups and downs to. The married people l know personally are all very close. Here marriage tends to be a real team in life and family but l also see love and respect in them. One is 35 yrs , another about 30 and l could def' say things like that of the ones that come to mind , even my ex and l also, my partner now. One brother has been with his gf 24yrs they've lived 3hrs apart in most of that. They have a funny thing butttt, who's to really know.They aren't team like at all those two and love, it's hard to read in them but they've out survived my marriage and lasted all this time.

Edited May 1, 2022 by chillii

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, chillii said:

lf you really wanna know look at divorce rates around the world.

Yeah exactly. People don’t even know how to interpret the divorce rate. A 50% divorce rate doesn’t mean 50% of marriages end in divorce. In fact about 70% of first marriages last a lifetime. 
 

Most adults are married; and most want to be married. 

[chillii]

Yeah fully agree .

l've known plenty of couples been together forever and still together, they're lifers. l'd actually say just in observation here at least 70% to, probably more l'd be thinking.

[Woggle]

If any company made a product that completely broke down half the time and the other half where it didn't break down it worked very poorly nobody would want to buy it yet we are expected to buy into an institution with those same statistics. Even if 70% of marriages lasted how many of them are happy marriages?

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Woggle said:

Even if 70% of marriages lasted how many of them are happy marriages?

Marriages don’t make people happy. That’s not the reason for marriage. Happiness in fact is a pretty bad goal as it’s fleeting. Being generally content and experiencing ups and downs is the nature of life, and I I suspect the nature of most marriages. I’m not even sure how one would measure they happiness of a marriage, but at least according to this article the majority of people are happy and a small minority are unhappy:

https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/64-percent-of-americans-say-theyre-happy-in-their-relationships-300595502.html
 

“64% of Americans reporting they are "very happy" in their relationship, and just 19% say they're unhappy to some degree”

 

Edited May 1, 2022 by Weezy1973

[central]

Hmm. That study was commissioned by eHarmony and conducted online, so the respondents were either eHarmony clients or self-selecting.  I think the results are highly suspect for anyone but the small sample group.  Studies I've seen years ago reverses those percentages, in that only about 20% are very content with their long term relationship/marriage.  I think those were more comprehensive and objective, and it matches better with what I've observed.  43 percent of first marriages end in separation or divorce within 15 years, according to a report released today by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).  Divorce rates are higher for subsequent marriages.

I've had 2 20+ year relationships, and some shorter ones when younger and in between marriages.  My first marriage was an unhappy mess.  This one is about as good (and happy) as it gets, though of course we have occasional issues and conflicts - but they seldom last.  I'm 67 now, and many of our neighbors (55+ community) are in 2nd marriages.  Most seem very content, but most have the traits that contribute to good marriages (highly educated professionals with great incomes who did not marry young).

[Weezy1973]

25 minutes ago, central said:

 My first marriage was an unhappy mess.  This one is about as good (and happy) as it gets, though of course we have occasional issues and conflicts - but they seldom last.

I agree with you on the studies; I was in fact questioning how one would measure happiness in a marriage in the first place since happiness is so inconsistent. And I also think that we are responsible for our own happiness. But your anecdotal example is actually a perfect example of how marriage itself isn't what makes people unhappy. It's the PEOPLE in the marriages that accounts for the unhappiness. Marriage is just a decision on how to live a life moving forward - with a partner. And considering the vast, vast, majority of people choose to get married, or live common law, or even having a partner that they don't live with, we can safely assume that the alternative, i.e. being perennially single, is worse. The human condition is not one of constant happiness, and neither is marriage. 

 

And as an aside, I've heard a quip that 90% of marriage problems are actually living together problems. And I have to admit, that makes sense to me. I wouldn't be surprised if we see an increase in couples choosing not to live together in the future. Especially those choosing not to have children.