What is the average love relationship like

[Woggle]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Marriages don’t make people happy. That’s not the reason for marriage. Happiness in fact is a pretty bad goal as it’s fleeting. Being generally content and experiencing ups and downs is the nature of life, and I I suspect the nature of most marriages. I’m not even sure how one would measure they happiness of a marriage, but at least according to this article the majority of people are happy and a small minority are unhappy:

https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/64-percent-of-americans-say-theyre-happy-in-their-relationships-300595502.html
 

“64% of Americans reporting they are "very happy" in their relationship, and just 19% say they're unhappy to some degree”

 

While it is true that a person should not rely on a partner for their happiness if a marriage is not adding to your happiness then what is the point? It should be a plus and a positive thing in your life instead of dragging you down. Too many people sharing a house and bed with somebody who despises them.

[chillii]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I agree with you on the studies; I was in fact questioning how one would measure happiness in a marriage in the first place

l don't take any notice of studies either they're usually so warped and narrow or self serving in some way they really don't mean shyt. l only suggested that for the op really seems so many people round here seem to be into all these stats and the science of it all and bs.

l don't need studies l have my own eyes and see and live whatever is going on in my world. lt does seem a lot of people here though and often the singles do seem to be around a lot of miserable other couples and areas , environments , though !

[Happy Lemming]

What about an informal poll here on Loveshack??

Is there anyone on here that is involved in a long term happy FIRST marriage??

Personally, I don't know anyone who fits that parameter. 

[Woggle]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

What about an informal poll here on Loveshack??

Is there anyone on here that is involved in a long term happy FIRST marriage??

Personally, I don't know anyone who fits that parameter. 

As much as I downtalk marriage I am in a very happy second marriage that I wish was my first. My first was only a little over a year and this one is sixteen years strong and getting better everyday. Ironically it makes me even more cynical about marriage because I when I look at how great mine is compared to how most people barely even tolerate each other I see how they pale in comparison. It's great to share a life and home with somebody who doesn't constantly treat you like the bane of their existence.

When I talk to other people they are amazed that I we both love spending time with each other and still are hot for each other. It's like it's some alien concept to have a marriage not filled with resentment, boredom and loss of attraction. 

[Weezy1973]

43 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

What about an informal poll here on Loveshack??

Is there anyone on here that is involved in a long term happy FIRST marriage??

Personally, I don't know anyone who fits that parameter. 

How long is long term? I’m on my first marriage and very happy, but we’ve only been together 6 years. 

[Happy Lemming]

40 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

How long is long term? I’m on my first marriage and very happy, but we’ve only been together 6 years. 

My initial thought was about 25-30 years or the time it takes to raise 2-3 children to adulthood.

I am glad to hear that you are happy!!

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Woggle said:

It's like it's some alien concept to have a marriage not filled with resentment, boredom and loss of attraction. 

That has also been my experience (when talking to other couples who have been married for a long time).  They are staying together because of the children or staying together because a divorce would be financial ruin for one or both.

My girlfriend has a brother and a sister that have each been married (to their spouses) for 25+ years. Neither of them is happy, but they do not divorce because of financial reasons.  They tolerate each other and are just "room mates" that occasionally share a meal together.

[chillii]

Poll would be useless here this place doesn't attract many married or happy people l know there's a few but 99% of it here is long term singles that have been date date dating for centuries with 50 relationships under the bonnet.

[Weezy1973]

12 hours ago, Woggle said:

While it is true that a person should not rely on a partner for their happiness if a marriage is not adding to your happiness then what is the point? It should be a plus and a positive thing in your life instead of dragging you down.

Marriage has pluses and minuses. Singles will tell you the advantage to being single is essentially selfishness. They can do whatever they want whenever they want with no compromise. Marriage is not that. Being okay with compromising is kind of vital in a healthy marriage. Embracing compromise is even better. Both parties not getting exactly what they want and being happy about it because they love their partner. 

But the reason to get married, is because that’s the life you want. You want a partner to travel through life with. But within that choice there will still be ups and downs, happiness and sadness. 

12 hours ago, Woggle said:

Too many people sharing a house and bed with somebody who despises them.

This has nothing to do with marriage. Just lots of people making bad choices for partners. And lots of people who are bad partners themselves. As stated above, there will be compromise is healthy marriages. And plenty of folks are not interested in compromise. 

[Happy Lemming]

8 hours ago, chillii said:

Poll would be useless here this place doesn't attract many married or happy people l know there's a few but 99% of it here is long term singles that have been date date dating for centuries with 50 relationships under the bonnet.

I do think there are "Happy" people on this forum and I do think there are "Married" people on this forum. 

I was hoping that someone who was happily married for 25+ years would "chime" in, so we would have at least one couple to prove the existence of such a phenomenon. 

Personally, I do know of some couples that are on their 2nd or 3rd marriage and appear to be happy or at least say they are, but I do NOT know anyone who is married to their original partner and happy.

Although my parents were married for 60 years, my father was miserable.  At one point, I got tired of listening to his constant complaining and took him to a lawyer to discuss the possibility of divorce.  After consulting this lawyer and running the numbers, there was no way he could afford to divorce my mother... he was stuck.  My brother-in-law is in the same boat. 

[Woggle]

My in laws have been married since the 70s, have three kids and a couple grandkids and they are one of the happiest couples I have seen. They are like teenagers in love. They were San Francisco hippies back in the day so it's not like they are religious or conservative either.

[Happy Lemming]

@Woggle  Thank you for chiming in and sharing the story of your in-laws.

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, chillii said:

l don't take any notice of studies either

Hmm. So studies are out, polls (in admittedly a finite environment) are out. But your own experiences (which are inherently limited by the sample size of "people you know" as well as it being your perception of what's going on, not actual data, even self-reported data by them, about what's going on) is in ??

If it was me, I'd be going with studies. Alot of them DO have issues, but (if done well) they will at least acknowledge the issues they have + addressing that is what meta-analyses of multiple studies are for.

But yes, getting accurate data about the real world is actually quite hard. That's why we have empiricism (and yes, that approach certainly isn't perfect, just "the best one we have" for ascertaining facts).

Edited May 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[SingFish]

On 4/29/2022 at 2:30 PM, Happy Lemming said:

We both prefer our own space, but I didn't want to see her homeless, so she moved into my home.

And you made it work!

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, SingFish said:

And you made it work!

Yes... it was an adjustment for both of us, but we figured it out and are happy!

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, chillii said:

l don't take any notice of studies either they're usually so warped and narrow or self serving in some way they really don't mean shyt. l only suggested that for the op really seems so many people round here seem to be into all these stats and the science of it all and bs.

l don't need studies l have my own eyes and see and live whatever is going on in my world. lt does seem a lot of people here though and often the singles do seem to be around a lot of miserable other couples and areas , environments , though !

Isn't that example a form of cognitive bias though?

Without research/studies we would probably still be running through the jungle naked, picking up rocks, eating raw meat, and constantly avoiding wild beasts throughout the day.

Someone on some point in history learned how to make complex tools, how to make fire, how to make bows and arrows, etc. 

I mainly ask this question because I am curious as to whether the same factors that compel people to attach to each other are also the same factors that enable them to maintain their affection for one another over the course of the relationship. 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I mainly ask this question because I am curious as to whether the same factors that compel people to attach to each other are also the same factors that enable them to maintain their affection for one another over the course of the relationship. 

For a lot of people, definitely not. Characteristics that are indicative that someone will be a good long term partner pretty much by definition don’t reveal themselves until some time has passed. Initial attraction / attachment is pretty meaningless in this context. 

[Els]

It's like asking "how long is a piece of string?", really. The possibilities vary so much that it's not really useful or even possible to answer this question.

[Els]

19 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

What about an informal poll here on Loveshack??

Is there anyone on here that is involved in a long term happy FIRST marriage??

Personally, I don't know anyone who fits that parameter. 

Well, how long is "long term"? Obviously, if the requirement is 25 years, then that essentially excludes anyone under the age of 43 (and most people under the age of 50) from answering.

Purely anecdotally, my impression has been that the older (60+) generation is more likely to remain married for longer, but the younger generation is more likely to actually be happy with their marriage.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

It's like asking "how long is a piece of string?", 

🤷‍♂️ I'm still tying to figure out that koan 🧶🧵

[chillii]

7 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Hmm. So studies are out, polls (in admittedly a finite environment) are out. But your own experiences (which are inherently limited by the sample size of "people you know" as well as it being your perception of what's going on, not actual data, even self-reported data by them, about what's going on) is in ??

Well , l know what l see put it that way , and it's been a lot.  But eh if you like studies and stats knock yourself out.

Just to HL , sure man l know there are and it's nice to see but it;s only a small percentage compared. Although l suppose if we all added in people we know or have over our lives or seen around , it would add up for sure.

Edited May 2, 2022 by chillii

[chillii]

7 hours ago, Woggle said:

My in laws have been married since the 70s, have three kids and a couple grandkids and they are one of the happiest couples I have seen. They are like teenagers in love. They were San Francisco hippies back in the day so it's not like they are religious or conservative either.

Yeah , l've known quite a few like that over the yrs so nice to see , my own parents included.  Two couples also that both met in primary school one couple in their late 70s and the other early 80s and still holding hands , little pecks and jokes and pats on the bum, mum and dad were like that to.

Edited May 2, 2022 by chillii

[basil67]

I'm surrounded by people in their 50's who are starting to celebrate their 25 and 30 year anniversaries.  They happily married, myself included.  That's not to say that marriages don't have glitches and require compromise, but I'm not seeing what you do.

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

For a lot of people, definitely not. Characteristics that are indicative that someone will be a good long term partner pretty much by definition don’t reveal themselves until some time has passed. Initial attraction / attachment is pretty meaningless in this context. 

My bad, I didn't mean to imply how good (i.e. initial attraction) is for determining whether or not they make a good long-term prospect.

I meant to say that certain traits that initially attracted you to one person (and vice versa) make it possible for them to maintain affection for one another over time. 

In other words, certain characteristics that initially attracted you (likewise) might help you both remain fond of one another throughout a relationship. The things that make people fall in love with each other and stay in love for a long time? During your first couple of years together, your interest in your partner's attractiveness may still be strong, even though your focus has become slightly less relevant now that the two of you are further along in your relationship.

This does not necessarily have to be about physical attractiveness either. I suppose it might be like my aunts and uncles, when he first met her he found her to be a pretty hottie. Despite her being physically disfigured and functionally disabled after 30 years of marriage, he was still physically attracted to her like a crazy even after 30 years (they had been married for more than 30 years before she died). The two exchanged tons of laughter during their time together as well.

And how about similarities? The likelihood of the relationships to continue is higher when people share similar interests and values over time, or if they maintain those characteristics over time? 

Edited May 3, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

In other words, certain characteristics that initially attracted you (likewise) might help you both remain fond of one another throughout a relationship.

No. Generally speaking relationships breakdown because one or both people have become poor partners. The qualities that make someone a good partner don’t tend to play a role in initial attraction. You can be attracted to someone’s looks, sense of humour, intelligence, ambition, personal style, etc. but none of those things means someone is going to be a good long term partner. 
 

Similar core values is pretty important, but that takes time to establish. And one of those core values should be the desire to be a good partner. So each person genuinely wants to be a good partner because that’s one of their core values. Instead of wanting to be a good partner because you find your partner attractive.