My boyfriend of 5 years suddenly broke up with me

[Agnes1234]

My boyfriend of nearly 5 years has suddenly broke up with me on the weekend, as he claims he doesn’t feel the same and wants to find someone with more similar interests. He mentioned this topic before, but never did anything about it. My friends always used to say that me and him have probably the most in common out of all the couples. I believe he is just trying to test out if the grass is really greener on the other side, because we are still so young (23-25). Will he come back to me? Will he miss me? Ive been honestly the best girlfriend and gave my 100% and I don’t know what to do. He is moving out tomorrow and after that I won’t see him again. Please was someone in a similar situation? Did you get back together? Did it work? Please, I am losing my head. Help. 

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, Agnes1234 said:

 I believe he is just trying to test out if the grass is really greener on the other side, because we are still so young (23-25).

I think this is the real reason... At 25, I was always looking for "greener" grass!

8 minutes ago, Agnes1234 said:

Will he come back to me?

Probably not... the relationship has "run its course" (for him) and it is time for it to end.

10 minutes ago, Agnes1234 said:

Will he miss me?

Nope... He probably has the next woman lined up or thinks he does.

11 minutes ago, Agnes1234 said:

Did you get back together? Did it work?

Every once in a great while, the woman attempted to come back to me.  Of course, it didn't work out, the problems we had before didn't change and the issues resurfaced.  I feel stupid for even allowing the person to attempt to come back.

14 minutes ago, Agnes1234 said:

 Please, I am losing my head.

This is all part of dating/relationships.  Sometimes they work, most of the time -- they don't.

[glows]

20 minutes ago, Agnes1234 said:

My boyfriend of nearly 5 years has suddenly broke up with me on the weekend, as he claims he doesn’t feel the same and wants to find someone with more similar interests. He mentioned this topic before, but never did anything about it. My friends always used to say that me and him have probably the most in common out of all the couples. I believe he is just trying to test out if the grass is really greener on the other side, because we are still so young (23-25). Will he come back to me? Will he miss me? Ive been honestly the best girlfriend and gave my 100% and I don’t know what to do. He is moving out tomorrow and after that I won’t see him again. Please was someone in a similar situation? Did you get back together? Did it work? Please, I am losing my head. Help. 

Do you know what led to him not feeling the same way? Did you both have any arguments?

[Agnes1234]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Do you know what led to him not feeling the same way? Did you both have any arguments?

We didn’t argue at all. It’s just something he mentioned twice before. We were just in a process of buying a house, 2 days before the breakup. I wonder whether he got cold feet and whether he will regret this decision down the line. 

[Agnes1234]

9 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I think this is the real reason... At 25, I was always looking for "greener" grass!

Probably not... the relationship has "run its course" (for him) and it is time for it to end.

Nope... He probably has the next woman lined up or thinks he does.

Every once in a great while, the woman attempted to come back to me.  Of course, it didn't work out, the problems we had before didn't change and the issues resurfaced.  I feel stupid for even allowing the person to attempt to come back.

This is all part of dating/relationships.  Sometimes they work, most of the time -- they don't.

At least you are being honest… this is heart breaking as I had some hope that he will come back at some point and will regret his decision. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Agnes1234 said:

We didn’t argue at all. It’s just something he mentioned twice before. We were just in a process of buying a house, 2 days before the breakup. I wonder whether he got cold feet and whether he will regret this decision down the line. 

Five years together and you're not able to infer or have some idea of why he left abruptly? I think you are in shock. 

I would seriously reconsider if a person comes back after leaving like this. Why would you trust him with your life, your heart or your finances sharing a mortgage for example after he left in such a way? 

Cold feet or not, take a time out to think over what happened. You may be in denial about how well the relationship was going. 

[LookingForLongTermLove]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I have been there, not after 5 years but nearly 2. And we were also talking about buying a house together. In my case, we did have a heavy conversation about the house situation, and he told me he had reservations about living with my children which I acknowledged although it was difficult to accept and hurtful. I thought we would continue the conversation over the next week, but then he just disappeared. He wouldn't return my texts or calls for almost two weeks. I was SO heartbroken, especially not knowing what was going on. 

In the end, we talked and he said he was feeling depressed and perhaps not in the right place to be in a committed relationship, so we broke up. I had hope that he would get over it and come back, but one week later (after he said he was not in a place to be in a relationship) he was dating someone else!! We were still kind of friends at that point, so I confronted him about it, and he said that although he loved me deeply he needed something "easy" right now. That relationship, of course, didn't last. And when it came to an end 6 months later, he came crawling back. I didn't take him back as I had moved on with my life. 

All that to say that it's very likely that this has nothing to do with you but is about his own insecurities and fears. Will he come back? Perhaps. The question is: can you forgive the way he left? Do you want to be with someone that finds that you are not giving him what he wants and needs? I know it's hard to envision this right now as you're heartbroken and also young enough to probably not have lots of relationship experience, but there will be others. No one is irreplacable, there's no such thing as true love, or the one. That doesn't mean that your feelings right now have no value. They do, and I know it hurts! So, for the time being, be kind to yourself and practice self care. When you're ready, go back out there and meet some people. There are high chances you'll meet someone great. And if your ex comes crawling back, you'll be in a strong position to make an objective decision. Take him back because you feel you can make each other happy, and not because you are heartbroken and desperate. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Agnes1234 said:

 He is moving out tomorrow and after that I won’t see him again.

Sorry this is happening. What were the arguments about? How long have you lived together? It seems he did not like being tied down to that.

It seems you wanted to settle down, buy a house and perhaps get married/start a family? Unfortunately moving out after 5 years is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. Do you both work? Where is he moving to?

[Agnes1234]

41 minutes ago, glows said:

Five years together and you're not able to infer or have some idea of why he left abruptly? I think you are in shock. 

I would seriously reconsider if a person comes back after leaving like this. Why would you trust him with your life, your heart or your finances sharing a mortgage for example after he left in such a way? 

Cold feet or not, take a time out to think over what happened. You may be in denial about how well the relationship was going. 

Honestly we didn’t argue at all. He was the one that proposed to buy a house and was submitting papers 2 days before the breakup! I am honestly so confused. We were making plans for holidays this summer and then I come back from work and he breaks up with me saying he wants to do it before we sign the house. This just makes me feel like he met someone else. 

[Agnes1234]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What were the arguments about? How long have you lived together? It seems he did not like being tied down to that.

It seems you wanted to settle down, buy a house and perhaps get married/start a family? Unfortunately moving out after 5 years is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. Do you both work? Where is he moving to?

We literally had none. Since lockdown he just mentioned twice that we don’t have much in common, but then when I suggested we start a new hobby he just didn’t want to try. Then the topic didn’t come up up until now, which is nearly like a year later. 
 

We both work and he is moving back to his parents house this weekend. 

[poppyfields]

First off I'm sorry Agnes, breakups, especially suddenly out of the blue like yours, are soooooooo difficult.

Anyway, this sometimes happens just as the relationship was about to move to a different stage - a more committed stage.  And purchasing a home together certainly suggests more committed.  It's very common.

JMO but I think his fears suddenly kicked in, the reality of it, he began overthinking and as such, overthought his way right out of moving forward with you.

You're both extremely young, at 23 and 25, together five years means you (assuming you're 23 and he's 25) have been dating him since you were 18 and him 20.

That is so young, in a way I don't blame him for getting cold feet.

He needs to explore, both himself, other experiences and well, just life!  As do you!

Will he miss you?  IMO, absolutely!  Of course he will miss you, unless he's some sort of narcissistic sociopath who lacks emotion.  You have been a huge and major part of his life for FIVE years, so yes absolutely he will miss you.

Does that mean he will want to get back together?  It's impossible to say, but doubtful.  It sounds like the relationship has run its course, and it's time to explore newer pastures.

I realize this is a cliché but time heals.  When one door closes, another (bigger and better) door opens.   

One day you will come to realize this was a blessing in disguise.  I believe all breakups are, even when they're so painful.

Simply put, it means you just weren't meant to be and the Universe has bigger plans for you.

So hang in, okay?  Lean of family and friends for support and we're here too.  💛

 

 

Edited April 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

If he's mentioned this before, then I'm afraid to say that this break-up was coming. 

I have a feeling he doesn't know how to be brutally honest that he doesn't see a future together, so he came up with the reason of not sharing interests to avoid hurting you further. My guess is that there's much more to it than that. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. 

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Agnes1234 said:

Honestly we didn’t argue at all. He was the one that proposed to buy a house and was submitting papers 2 days before the breakup! I am honestly so confused. We were making plans for holidays this summer and then I come back from work and he breaks up with me saying he wants to do it before we sign the house. This just makes me feel like he met someone else. 

I'm so sorry, @Agnes1234. But, for your sake, I'm glad he did it before you guys signed anything. I seem to remember reading the stories of women who were dumped just as abruptly after the paperwork was already signed and having to undo all the financial entanglement only made a heartbreaking situation worse.

All I can advice you to do is go full no-contact once he leaves. Block him everywhere so that you can grieve in peace and give yourself room to figure stuff out.

If he ever regrets what he did and tries to return, unfortunately, you won't be able to escape the memory of his upping and leaving so abruptly. It will be hard, if not impossible, for you to trust him again. You're in shock right now. So you understandably want him back. But you'll eventually get to a point where you'll be angry with him.

You're probably right about there being someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Agnes1234 said:

 he breaks up with me saying he wants to do it before we sign the house. 

Unfortunately he doesn't want the level of commitment you want. This could be why he had the courage to end it right before signing papers.

You dodged a bullet. A man who just wants to live together but tells you repeatedly "we have nothing in common", is someone you're better off without.

[ShyViolet]

When it came down to buying a house, which is a massive long-term commitment, he realized that he is not into this relationship enough to enter into this massive commitment with you.  The buying of the house is what prompted him to end this relationship now.  There are people who post on this board that they recently bought a house with someone, with both names on the mortgage and then the relationship falls apart, and then they are in a really messy situation.  Just be grateful that he at least had the sense to end it before that.  He sounds like a responsible person who came to the realization that buying this house with you would be a bad idea.

Honestly it sounds like his feelings for you dissipated and he was no longer into the relationship.  Don't sit around kidding yourself into thinking he might come back.  I know this is hard and a shock, but you need to focus on processing this and moving forward.  Holding out false hopes of him coming back is not going to do you any favors.

[Happy Lemming]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

There are people who post on this board that they recently bought a house with someone, with both names on the mortgage and then the relationship falls apart, and then they are in a really messy situation.

 

It can also become "messy" if a person moves into your home and "establishes residency".  Even if they are not on the mortgage nor deed, once that person moves in and receives a piece of mail at your home or stays over 2 weeks (depending on the state/ jurisdiction), they have technically "established residency". (And again depending on the state/jurisdiction) you have to go through the eviction process as if they had a lease agreement with you.

From a legal standpoint, this guy actually did the right thing by not inviting the OP to come live in his new home.

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

From a legal standpoint, this guy actually did the right thing by not inviting the OP to come live in his new home.

Yes he absolutely did the right thing.  He knew he didn't want to be in this relationship anymore, so rather than string her along and enter into very serious legal commitments, he ended it.

[Beachead]

@Agnes1234

22 hours ago, Agnes1234 said:

We didn’t argue at all. It’s just something he mentioned twice before. We were just in a process of buying a house, 2 days before the breakup. I wonder whether he got cold feet and whether he will regret this decision down the line. 

Buying a house is obviously a long-term, serious commitment and there are a lot of paperwork and drama to go through, should things not work out.  A big decision like that has a way of putting everything into perspective and making a person realize what they actually want or don't want.  As you can see, he didn't just avoid a conversation about slowing things down, he flat out bailed on the relationship.  That is what you should remember.  It meant, he wasn't feeling as strongly about the relationship as you were.

Quote

Ive been honestly the best girlfriend and gave my 100% 

That's important because that should tell you that there is nothing more for you to do.  If you gave your all and he still bailed, then what else can you do?  Be someone else? Then you would be lying to him and yourself.  Lies don't last. They have an expiration date.   

Don't blame yourself.  There are far more external factors that go into why a person leaves a relationship than just your quality as a girlfriend.  Stuff that has more to do with him.  His past and his baggage in that past.  It affects how he sees himself and how he sees the world and what he wants and doesn't want etc.  You could be the best girlfriend in the world, and a person could still leave because as good as you can be, you don't have control over his side of the equation. 

These decisions are not impulsive.  He's probably been feeling this way for a long time and just didn't know what to do.  Buying a home was what pushed him to bail because he realized he would mess up his own life and yours, so it may even feel like a relief to him to have left.  He may be thinking about you but not in the way you may hope.  It may be more so guilt for what he did.  Dumpers often feel that.  As time progresses and he has his space, he may start to think about you and wonder..maybe even miss.  And that may manifest into him contacting you again though it's impossible to know when.   If I were you, I would be very skeptical if you do hear from him because of the above reasons regarding you giving your all him still bailing.   I believe someone who is feeling it, will always be making decisions that keep the relationships together.  They don't choose out.

There is a healthy way to heal and I know a lot of techniques to help you with it but right now, I believe you are in shock and will continue to be for awhile. You just need to feel what you have to feel.

Stay strong

- Beach

Edited April 30, 2022 by Beachead

[glows]

On 4/29/2022 at 1:45 PM, Agnes1234 said:

We literally had none. Since lockdown he just mentioned twice that we don’t have much in common, but then when I suggested we start a new hobby he just didn’t want to try. Then the topic didn’t come up up until now, which is nearly like a year later. 
 

We both work and he is moving back to his parents house this weekend. 

I'm sorry to hear this. What did you think of his comment that you both didn't have much in common? Did you agree with it or disagree? He might have realized that you wouldn't have taken no for an answer and might have felt pressured to be in the relationship with you. This may not have been true at all and his perception of things. A lot of people don't like confrontation. He might have had to discuss with his parents first about moving back with them before breaking up with you and planning the break up in advance so that he'd have the support he needed.