My ex did something she despised, but I am feeling guilty for it

[HopelessRomantic95]

Hey guys and girls, I am looking for some words of advice.

So, I have been in a 3 year relationship with this girl. When we started talking it seemed like she was the right one for me. She did however mention at the beginning of the relationship that her ex cheated on her behind her back and that she despised people like that. To explain more, her ex went into a relationship with her mutual friend.

Fast forward 3 years. Covid struck and I was feeling emotionally drained from this relationship as it slowly came to a halt due to my depression and her constant pain (I think she overreacted that for a bit). One night I said to her that I am feeling like we are going around in circles and that bad things currently outweigh good things. I received no response, so I vented this out to my grandparents and she heard it by accident.

By no means I meant to end the relationship, I was willing to put in even more of my already draining energy to fix this. And I did.

After that talk she became cold and distant, was constantly pushing me away and belittled me (I did not want to leave her, but this pissed me off so much). She had told me that her ex broke up with her mutual friend and that the two once-friends started talking again (ironic that she left me shortly after the two broke up). I suspected something was up, realized that I screwed up and tried to give my best to salvage this relationship.

Then d-day came. She came over and told me all of the things I listed, but I knew that was not the factor. She was already seeing or talking to someone behind my back (this happened after the "talk") so I called her out (she needed some space, or so I have been told). She said "she was too much of a pussy to tell me".

I was dumbfounded. I cried a bit and said I understand. We parted our ways. Not even 10 days later I found out she was in a relationship with this dude. She basically almost did to me the same that her ex did to her. My trust was broken and it hurt like hell.

When I packed her things I wrote a closure letter to her, where I did not judge her actions, I simply apologized for what transpired in our relationship and that I am working on becoming a better person. I wrote also that I do not expect a response nor do I want her back, but that we simply should end the story on a note that we both deserve. I packed it in our photo-album and on the envelope I wrote "read, when you think the time is right".

But these feelings of guilt that I am responsible for the end of the relationship are haunting me day by day. I apologized, but have since cut all contact with her. This happened almost a month ago.

Now I know you guys can't read minds, but I would like to hear your thoughts on this.

Much love, a confused romantic

[salparadise]

32 minutes ago, HopelessRomantic95 said:

One night I said to her that I am feeling like we are going around in circles and that bad things currently outweigh good things.

Sounds like what you said caused her to divest and look for an opportunity to monkey-branch, which she found pretty quickly. In hindsight you probably understand that you shouldn't have generalized this way unless you were breaking up. Most will say it was wrong of her to strong you along while she got something else lined up, but some women are like that and can't stand the thought of being single, or ending one relationship before starting another. But you said yourself that the relationship wasn't working, and now you know that she was capable and prone to this type of  ending all along. While I'm sure it hurts and you wonder what you could've done, it's not productive to dwell on that. Just accept that this is who she is, and if it hadn't happened a month ago it would've still happened at some point. Don't blame yourself too much. Everyone makes mistakes and yours was not monumental. She could've chose to communicate and work on building instead of monkey-branching to the first dude who came along. IOW, you probably dodged a bullet, although I know it doesn't help your pain much to say that. Just the take time to equilibrate and heal, and try to make good choices going forward.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, HopelessRomantic95 said:

I said to her that I am feeling like we are going around in circles and that bad things currently outweigh good things. 

She had told me that her ex broke up with her mutual friend and that the two once-friends started talking again. Not even 10 days later I found out she was in a relationship with this dude.

Sorry this happened. It seems like you've been unhappy in the relationship for a long time and it was simply going nowhere.

While a more direct clear-cut breakup from your end would have been preferable, it's not your fault she jumped into someone else's arms.

 Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media. Take time out to treat the depression and inertia, then when you feel better, consider dating again.

[vla1120]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Don't dwell on the fact that she did the exact same thing to you that her ex did to her. Instead, consider the letter that you wrote to her to be sufficient closure for you and then take this time to work on yourself and sort out your depression. Also, don't take on all of the blame yourself. It sounds like she mishandled the situation when she pushed you away and started belittling you, instead of trying to work on your relationship with you. Chalk it all up to this not being the right person for you. Take care of yourself, seek help for your depression and give yourself some time to heal.