don't even know where to start, the ow

[smallclouds88]

hey.

 

sorry if i'm not making much sense..i havent slept. I am going to give you a scenario and I need your honest words and advice because to be honest, strangers words mean more to me right now than my own husbands. Ok, here we go:

You catch your husband/wife/partner messaging another woman (texts alluding to a physical affair aswell an emotional one). After talking things through, you are given a second chance by your other half. what do you do with the ow number? Do you keep it and never use? Do you kee it so you dont hurt 'her'? Do you delete it? If you chose keep, why would you?

im sorry if this is a riddle I will go into more detail later but right now i feel like a bomb has gone off

[BaileyB]

This reminds me of another post, a woman spent pages and pages trying to understand why her husband would keep the OW number in his phone. Please don’t be like her - denial is not a useful coping strategy long term. 

There is only one reason - he is not prepared to go no contact and wants to keep the possibility of future communication open.

Quote

Do you kee it so you dont hurt 'her'? 

“Her” feelings are more important than yours? I don’t think so. How would she even know if he kept the number or burned it - if he has recommitted to his marriage and they are not talking, she knows not. 

Whatever the reason, you need to be aware - “losing” her number means little. He could have a burner phone, he could memorize her number, he could put her in his phone under a male “friend’s” name, they could communicate on Facebook or any number of secret apps - if he wants to communicate with the woman, they will find a way.

If you can’t trust your husband, you need to file for divorce. I’ve long said, I’m not in the business of monitoring and policing my life partner to ensure that he is faithful. If he wants to ply these games, he can play them with another woman…

I’m sorry, take care.

Edited May 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[smallclouds88]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

This reminds me of another post, a woman spent pages and pages trying to understand why her husband would keep the OW number in his phone

There is only one reason - he is not prepared to go no contact and wants to keep the possibility of future communication open.

Whatever the reason, you need to be aware - “losing” her number means little. He could have a burner phone, he could memorize her number, he could put her in his phone under a male “friend’s” name, they could communicate on Facebook or any number of secret apps - if he wants to communicate with the woman, they will find a way.

If you can’t trust your husband, you need to file for divorce. I’ve long said, I’m not in the business of monitoring and policing my life partner to ensure that he is faithful. If he wants to ply these games, he can play them with another woman…

I’m sorry, take care.

I admit I have lurked for a long time but I have only become a member today. He wouldnt have it and never use it, thered be zero point to that

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, smallclouds88 said:

I admit I have lurked for a long time but I have only become a member today. He wouldnt have it and never use it, thered be zero point to that

People do things for a reason.

There is no reason to keep your affair partner’s phone number if you are serious about reconciliation with your spouse. Full stop.

[smallclouds88]

25 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

People do things for a reason.

There is no reason to keep your affair partner’s phone number if you are serious about reconciliation with your spouse. Full stop.

my head is spinning its almost as if im trying to make excuses for him..maybe he doesnt want an arguement with her..maybe he isnt speaking to her anymore but neither make sense in reality. if they arent talking this second keeping it says they will

[stillafool]

You do not keep the OW's number if you've promised your wife the affair is over and you won't do it again.

[smallclouds88]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

You do not keep the OW's number if you've promised your wife the affair is over and you won't do it again.

thank you, im just struggling to come up with valid reasons for him to still have it

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, smallclouds88 said:

thank you, im just struggling to come up with valid reasons for him to still have it

Have you asked your husband or are you monitoring his phone?

[Throwaway8272]

Hello. I have been in a very similar situation except I was your husband. I’m going to sound quite harsh and I’m hoping maybe some other members will agree with me but it seems you came on here to get some real talk so here it is. 
whether or not your husband is currently speaking to the ow or not doesn’t matter. The fact is he has kept the lines of communication open so say he isn’t talking to her at this exact moment in time, if he didn’t plan on doing so then there would he absolutely no reason to have her number in his phone. that number in itself carries a certain element of risk so why have it there without any intention of contact? Hopefully others will chime in and agree with me. I’m sorry you’re going through it 

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, smallclouds88 said:

thank you, im just struggling to come up with valid reasons for him to still have it

Why do you need to find valid reasons for him to keep it?

Quote

it seems you came on here to get some real talk 

Based on the above comment, perhaps she came on here to find validation/support that would enable her to excuse his behavior and keep him around? 

Edited May 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

There is a 100% valid reason for him keeping the number: he intends to use it.   There really is no other reason he would do so.  

 

[Throwaway8272]

58 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There is a 100% valid reason for him keeping the number: he intends to use it.   There really is no other reason he would do so.  

 

This x 1000000000 OP. there is zero other reason

[Will am I]

15 hours ago, smallclouds88 said:

hey.

 

sorry if i'm not making much sense..i havent slept. I am going to give you a scenario and I need your honest words and advice because to be honest, strangers words mean more to me right now than my own husbands. Ok, here we go:

You catch your husband/wife/partner messaging another woman (texts alluding to a physical affair aswell an emotional one). After talking things through, you are given a second chance by your other half. what do you do with the ow number? Do you keep it and never use? Do you kee it so you dont hurt 'her'? Do you delete it? If you chose keep, why would you?

im sorry if this is a riddle I will go into more detail later but right now i feel like a bomb has gone off

Of course the phone number can be deleted if the affair is over. Because there is no reason for contact after the affair (other than to hookup again).

But the mere act of deleting OW's phone number does not necessarily put an end to the affair. OW  may still have MM's number and use it. MM may have ways to get her number back, or other forms of communication.

I sense you're overwhelmed now. Get some sleep. Think things over. If you decide that you indeed want to stay with your partner, the two of you need to be digging much deeper. How did he get into the affair? Why was he open to it in the first place? What does OW mean to him? What has to change in the future to prevent this risk (knowing that there are more OWs out there).

 

 

[smallclouds88]

27 minutes ago, Will am I said:

Of course the phone number can be deleted if the affair is over. Because there is no reason for contact after the affair (other than to hookup again).

But the mere act of deleting OW's phone number does not necessarily put an end to the affair. OW  may still have MM's number and use it. MM may have ways to get her number back, or other forms of communication.

I sense you're overwhelmed now. Get some sleep. Think things over. If you decide that you indeed want to stay with your partner, the two of you need to be digging much deeper. How did he get into the affair? Why was he open to it in the first place? What does OW mean to him? What has to change in the future to prevent this risk (knowing that there are more OWs out there).

 

 

I know I feel like a total bomb has just gone off. i think I just need to know in my mind that I am not being stupid here. I'm not looking for excuses for hios bad behaviour, in a way I want everyone to tell me that if it was over with her she would at least be deleted if not blocked and theres only one reason to have her number in his phone and thats to restart contact again (if not in cintact already) i need to hear that from other people so i dont feel so alone in my head

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, smallclouds88 said:

 theres only one reason to have her number in his phone and thats to restart contact again 

How long has he been having affairs? Does he know you know about them?  

Sadly just monitoring his phone won't tell you whether he's still having affairs or not.

Do you want to stay married or divorce? You need to confront him about the affairs. They may not stop, but you need to decide if you're going to turn a blind eye, get divorced or tell him it's marriage therapy and ending affairs or divorce.

 

[smallclouds88]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long has he been having affairs? Does he know you know about them?  

Sadly just monitoring his phone won't tell you whether he's still having affairs or not.

Do you want to stay married or divorce? You need to confront him about the affairs. They may not stop, but you need to decide if you're going to turn a blind eye, get divorced or tell him it's marriage therapy and ending affairs or divorce.

 

im not monitoring his phone, i had a gut feeling. i want to stay married as we have very, very young kids.

right now the only thing i am concerned with is if it was over, would that connection to her be deleted? i just struggle with the notion of keeping a number like that but never using it, it makes no sense to me

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, smallclouds88 said:

 the only thing i am concerned with is if it was over, 

Is he still having affairs? That's the real question, not whether his lover's contact info is on his phone. 

You are monitoring his phone because your main concern is that it's evidence that the affair is ongoing.

Does he know you know about his philandering? Or are you terrified to rock the boat?

Since you have kids and don't want to divorce, there's no reason to keep going through his phone to see if he has his lovers contact info.

Or are you going through his phone and wondering who are co-workers or lovers or whatever?

Do you even know if those women's contact info is for affairs? 

[smallclouds88]

18 hours ago, BaileyB said:

People do things for a reason.

There is no reason to keep your affair partner’s phone number if you are serious about reconciliation with your spouse. Full stop.

i cant explain why im thinking like this, its almost like im asking the most obvious q with the most obvious answer. there is no other reason to keep that number is there. like none whatsoever. you wouldnt just keep but never use - sorry im confronting him later

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, smallclouds88 said:

if it was over, would that connection to her be deleted?

Kindly, what we are saying - if there is a will, there is a way. I would caution you not to get hung up on the phone number - that is only one of many ways that they could be in contact - if they chose to stay in contact. 

I realize that you don’t want to break apart your family - but, if he is cheating with another woman, he has already made the decision to put his family at risk. The responsibility here is on him - he has done something very inappropriate, he should be working very hard to make amends and regain your trust. If he isn’t doing that, you have a big problem. 

Of course, you don’t want to break up your family but the fact that you have young children with this man is all the more reason not to excuse his behavior and give him a second chance. Your children need a mother who is happy and has peace of mind and a home that is not stressful. 

Edited May 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I would caution you not to get hung up on the phone number - that is only one of many ways that they could be in contact

Agree. Trying to decipher what his phone contact list looks like won't prove or disprove what you are worried about.

[Will am I]

4 hours ago, smallclouds88 said:

im not monitoring his phone, i had a gut feeling. i want to stay married as we have very, very young kids.

right now the only thing i am concerned with is if it was over, would that connection to her be deleted? i just struggle with the notion of keeping a number like that but never using it, it makes no sense to me

If your husband tries to keep the phone number, I'm afraid it's not a good sign. Maybe he's still in contact with her, or at least wants to have that option.

So first I have my doubts that this affair is properly ended. If it is over, why doesn't he simply delete the phone number? 

 

But let's assume for a bit that it is ended.

 

I think there are two more levels that you should consider.

 

The first level is about your true boundaries. You say you want to stay married because of the young children. I admire your willingness to sacrifice your own emotions for the benefit of your family. But do you really want to be with your husband after what he did? Take a look at the following three statements:

* "I will always hate his guts for what he did but I need a house for me and my children to live in"

* "I will always hate his guts for what he did but I grew up with divorced parents and I don't want to repeat that with my own children"

* "I love him, I even want to forgive him, but I can never trust him again"

If you're going to put checkmarks in these boxes... please reconsider your position on whether of not you want to remain married. A marriage where you are permanently bitter over what he did and distrustful of him...it won't be nice for either of you. You can imagine your own emotions better than I can. Let me give a masculin perspective in how that could resonate in your husband's head a couple of years down the line: "the marriage is crap, we fight all the time, I'm barely getting sex and I'm so lonely and unhappy". A situation which may very well trigger more infidelity in the future. So if you consider staying in the marriage, don't do it for the kids. Do it only because you think you can team with your husband, clean out all the rubble and build something beautiful for the future.

 

Let's go one level deeper into his drivers. There's the affair and there's the reason why he got into the affair. This is the hardest subject. Digging up this reson will require all of your skills and your husbands' too. Ending an affair and strengtening your marriage may not even be enough if the reasons for your husband to indulge with other women are not eliminated. There may be old emotional wounds, there may be bad relationship dynamics etc.

 

Disclaimer: I recently got out of an emotional affair. I was the unfaithful husband. The whole affair was "only" a couple of weeks of increasingly inappropriate online contact and a few actions that were not 100% online (like buying gifts for my the other woman). But no physical contact. I didn't get caught by my wife; I became conflicted about it and wanted out of the situation. Despite that our situation may seem like peanuts to other couples in out position, it is still very serious. My wife and I have committed to try and overcome this and to build a better marriage from here. I am mostly hopeful but the divorce option is still clearly on the table.

 

PS. sorry if my post does not sound too hopeful. Through my own experience I have come to realize that these matters go way deeper than I initially thought they would. It would be fantastic if your marriage can survive this storm. But it will go so much deeper than just deleting the phone number and forgiving your husband.

Edited May 2, 2022 by Will am I
Added the PS

[vla1120]

18 hours ago, smallclouds88 said:

thank you, im just struggling to come up with valid reasons for him to still have it

There are no valid reasons for him to keep her number. However, as others have pointed out, him deleting it from his phone doesn't mean he'll stop contact. He could call her from his work phone. He could have a burner phone. You have to go into this with eyes wide open and listen to your instincts. If a red flag pops, pay attention to it. Him refusing to delete her number from his phone is a red flag, and a weird one at that. He could easily put her number in his phone under a man's name (as many do), so I don't understand why he would refuse to delete her number. He should be doing everything humanly possible to prove to you that he is recommitting to your marriage.

[smallclouds88]

11 minutes ago, Will am I said:

If your husband tries to keep the phone number, I'm afraid it's not a good sign. Maybe he's still in contact with her, or at least wants to have that option.

So first I have my doubts that this affair is properly ended. If it is over, why doesn't he simply delete the phone number? 

 

But let's assume for a bit that it is ended.

 

I think there are two more levels that you should consider.

 

The first level is about your true boundaries. You say you want to stay married because of the young children. I admire your willingness to sacrifice your own emotions for the benefit of your family. But do you really want to be with your husband after what he did? Take a look at the following three statements:

* "I will always hate his guts for what he did but I need a house for me and my children to live in"

* "I will always hate his guts for what he did but I grew up with divorced parents and I don't want to repeat that with my own children"

* "I love him, I even want to forgive him, but I can never trust him again"

If you're going to put checkmarks in these boxes... please reconsider your position on whether of not you want to remain married. A marriage where you are permanently bitter over what he did and distrustful of him...it won't be nice for either of you. You can imagine your own emotions better than I can. Let me give a masculin perspective in how that could resonate in your husband's head a couple of years down the line: "the marriage is crap, we fight all the time, I'm barely getting sex and I'm so lonely and unhappy". A situation which may very well trigger more infidelity in the future. So if you consider staying in the marriage, don't do it for the kids. Do it only because you think you can team with your husband, clean out all the rubble and build something beautiful for the future.

 

Let's go one level deeper into his drivers. There's the affair and there's the reason why he got into the affair. This is the hardest subject. Digging up this reson will require all of your skills and your husbands' too. Ending an affair and strengtening your marriage may not even be enough if the reasons for your husband to indulge with other women are not eliminated. There may be old emotional wounds, there may be bad relationship dynamics etc.

 

Disclaimer: I recently got out of an emotional affair. I was the unfaithful husband. The whole affair was "only" a couple of weeks of increasingly inappropriate online contact and a few actions that were not 100% online (like buying gifts for my the other woman). But no physical contact. I didn't get caught by my wife; I became conflicted about it and wanted out of the situation. Despite that our situation may seem like peanuts to other couples in out position, it is still very serious. My wife and I have committed to try and overcome this and to build a better marriage from here. I am mostly hopeful but the divorce option is still clearly on the table.

 

PS. sorry if my post does not sound too hopeful. Through my own experience I have come to realize that these matters go way deeper than I initially thought they would. It would be fantastic if your marriage can survive this storm. But it will go so much deeper than just deleting the phone number and forgiving your husband.

dont say sorry im thank ful for your honesty. can i ask you somethings though, obviously feel free to say no i dont want to trigger you or anything..

im assuming you deleted your ap contact details? if you had kept them or had decided to keep them, what would be the reason? to me, to never use a number like that and yet still have it in your phone is a huge risk

[Will am I]

Just now, smallclouds88 said:

dont say sorry im thank ful for your honesty. can i ask you somethings though, obviously feel free to say no i dont want to trigger you or anything..

im assuming you deleted your ap contact details? if you had kept them or had decided to keep them, what would be the reason? to me, to never use a number like that and yet still have it in your phone is a huge risk

Of course you can ask me these questions. I'm happy to provide my perspectives. The episode was painful enough for my wife, let it at least be helpful to others. 

In my case, most contact went through e-mail. I deleted the e-mails and closed the account that I used for it. I do remember her e-mail address by heart, so I hope that she also closed her address. Guess I'll never know because I'm not e-mailing her anymore. Other methods of reaching my AP have also been discontinued. A full stop with the affair is a prerequisite to work on your marriage. You can't commit to fix the marriage if there is still another door open, even if it's only open by a crack.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Throwaway8272 said:

Again that’s not what’s being asked

Please address the OP .

2 hours ago, Throwaway8272 said:

Why aren’t you answering op question about the number on the phone?