13 years wasted.

[Torpster]

I don’t know where to start. I don’t even know what to share let alone what to ask.

I’ve separated from my wife of 11 years and I’m so crushed by it. I’m still in our home but in a separate room. I don’t know whether to leave and take the kids with me or let them stay with their mom or even whether to stay in this situation for the sake of the kids.

If she didn’t have a massive falling out with her best friend I would not even know she cheated, on our WEDDING DAY!!!!!!! This is so messed up. The more I hear the more I realize I was living a lie. Basically she was a ‘good girl’, didn’t want to move in together until after we were married, we were together just over two years before we married. I now know she stayed in her share house because she was friends with benefits with her roommate. Two God damn years behind my back!! He runs a catering business so catered our wedding and she got it off with him on the day, inside in the bathroom, while all the guests were out the back. But apparently I’m supposed to be grateful because nothing has happened since.

I’ve never hated anyone so much. I can’t believe I’ve wasted 13 years of my life on trash. I really really REALLY want to punish her but that’s my kids mom so instead I act civil. It’s killing me inside. She’s all apologetic but I really couldn’t care less, I don’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth. In a weird perverse way I’m glad I’m so angry otherwise I don’t think I’d feel anything and then what’s the point after that?

Apparently there’s more too. I was supposed to meet with her ex best friend a few days ago but I was called in to work. We’ve organized to meet during this week. I guess it really doesn’t matter what she says, t literally couldn’t get any worse, even if she was cheating the entire time what difference does it make?

I think I just have to suck it all up and do what’s right for my kids even if that means giving her some sort of pass on this. I don’t mean her and I ever being together again, that is never going to happen, but I might just have to maintain that illusion for the sake of the kids. How depressing does that life sound? But what’s the choice? I can’t afford a place by myself, especially as I’d want the kids with me, the same if I let the kids stay with her, there’s no way she can afford it.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Very sorry to hear that you are going through this, and the betrayal you have suffered. Speak to a lawyer to understand your options and legal obligations in your state, and do not leave the home before you have done so. 

You definitely need to put the children first but that doesn’t mean being a doormat or silently sucking it up. I suggest you seek individual counseling so you have a trained advocate who can help you navigate the next stages - whether you remain in the same home, separate or divorce. There is a lot you have to unpack and deal with, and a counselor will help. Find a quality one and one you feel you connect with.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Torpster said:

I don’t know where to start. I don’t even know what to share let alone what to ask.

I’ve separated from my wife of 11 years and I’m so crushed by it. I’m still in our home but in a separate room. I don’t know whether to leave and take the kids with me or let them stay with their mom or even whether to stay in this situation for the sake of the kids.

If she didn’t have a massive falling out with her best friend I would not even know she cheated, on our WEDDING DAY!!!!!!! This is so messed up. The more I hear the more I realize I was living a lie. Basically she was a ‘good girl’, didn’t want to move in together until after we were married, we were together just over two years before we married. I now know she stayed in her share house because she was friends with benefits with her roommate. Two God damn years behind my back!! He runs a catering business so catered our wedding and she got it off with him on the day, inside in the bathroom, while all the guests were out the back. But apparently I’m supposed to be grateful because nothing has happened since.

I’ve never hated anyone so much. I can’t believe I’ve wasted 13 years of my life on trash. I really really REALLY want to punish her but that’s my kids mom so instead I act civil. It’s killing me inside. She’s all apologetic but I really couldn’t care less, I don’t believe a word that comes out of her mouth. In a weird perverse way I’m glad I’m so angry otherwise I don’t think I’d feel anything and then what’s the point after that?

Apparently there’s more too. I was supposed to meet with her ex best friend a few days ago but I was called in to work. We’ve organized to meet during this week. I guess it really doesn’t matter what she says, t literally couldn’t get any worse, even if she was cheating the entire time what difference does it make?

I think I just have to suck it all up and do what’s right for my kids even if that means giving her some sort of pass on this. I don’t mean her and I ever being together again, that is never going to happen, but I might just have to maintain that illusion for the sake of the kids. How depressing does that life sound? But what’s the choice? I can’t afford a place by myself, especially as I’d want the kids with me, the same if I let the kids stay with her, there’s no way she can afford it.

The best thing you can do is consult an attorney regarding your options in divorce. Right now your hatred is not good for the kids or you.

Marriage is a legal and financial contract that needs to be dissolved by the courts. It's not your decision who gets what or who gets the kids etc.

First deal with your anger. Then use appropriate legal advice to make the best choices for yourself and your children.

Unfortunately it's unwise to abandon the marital home and you can't make her leave either. You need a lawyer asap.

[Torpster]

I guess a lawyer is going to end up being the option I'll have to go with but I was hoping to come to some sort of agreement before we got to that stage.  I mean as much as I don't want someone with her obvious lack of morals parenting my kids I realize that's not going to happen.  I'd hope that we could agree on joint custody in advance of having lawyers trawl through out lives. 

I have already booked with a counselor but couldn't get in until next week.  She actually wanted to go to couples counseling!! Can you believe that? There is no way anyone could forgive what happened. She's so delusional. 

At this point I'm more interested in what else I've been blind to.  Meeting with her ex best friend I'm thinking will open my eyes to just how pathetically naive I've been. I can't even begin to imagine what could be worse than her having sex with some guy inside our home we hadn't even moved into yet literally 2 hours after we said I do. 

[Torpster]

Sorry.
I just read that post back and I'm just whining. Just letting it all out I guess. It's too embarrassing speaking to mates and telling them how much of an idiot I've been not seeing it. I'll try to be more constructive moving forward.

[mark clemson]

Just to be sure - are you CERTAIN the ex-best friend is telling the truth? Has your wife confessed that what she says is true? Assuming you are certain, well I think certainly no one would blame you for being very angry and/or divorcing if you decide to do that.

Something to consider - if this was a job and you suddenly found out you were being laid off AND a co-worker you know who was hired around the time you were has been getting twice your salary the whole time - well, this understandably might cause you to devalue your relationship with the company, hate your boss, etc, etc. Nonetheless, the money you were putting into your bank account while you worked there was quite real, and at the time, you were happy with it.

I'm not pointing this out to try to influence you one way or another WRT to your (I assume) soon to be ex-wife and/or actions you intend WRT divorcing, but to give you something to recognize that will perhaps ease your burden a little bit. At the time you were reasonably content, and that's at least ok, even though things have now changed and you have a (very) new perspective on everything.

Edited May 3, 2022 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

On 5/1/2022 at 4:37 PM, Torpster said:

I don’t mean her and I ever being together again, that is never going to happen, but I might just have to maintain that illusion for the sake of the kids. How depressing does that life sound? But what’s the choice? I can’t afford a place by myself, especially as I’d want the kids with me, the same if I let the kids stay with her, there’s no way she can afford it.

IMO if you truly hate her (understandable at this point) staying together in the same home long term would probably not be healthy for either you or your kids as your negative feelings will still come out in various ways and presumably your kids will pick up on and/or not have a good model of an affectionate couple.

If you have to do so in the short term for financial reasons, do what you must. You could consider working on and upping your career aspirations/income, which could become a win-win for you if you decide to move out and also end up having more money.

[basil67]

I'm also wondering about the ex-best friend.   Given that he had a massive falling out with your wife, it could well be that he's making stuff up just to be vindictive.   What evidence did this ex-BFF have which made you believe them?  

 

[Torpster]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm also wondering about the ex-best friend.   Given that he had a massive falling out with your wife, it could well be that he's making stuff up just to be vindictive.   What evidence did this ex-BFF have which made you believe them?  

 

I've seen text messages back and forth with my soon to be ex asking for her best friend to cover for her.  Her BFF is female too by the way.

 

 

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Has your wife confessed that what she says is true?

She has tried to downplay it but yes she has admitted it.  Well she's admitted the one on our wedding day.  Even if all the others are not true it makes no difference to me. 

There is no way to downplay her having sex with another man two hours after we said I do, in a brand new home we built but had not lived in yet, in the bathroom while other catering staff were inside and must have known, while family and friends and ME were out the back, and then come out afterwards and kiss me like I'm the love of her life.  I don't care if that was the only time, you just can't come back from that.  This is not just a getting drunk and a bar and oops, something happened.  This is so vile, I literally cannot think of anything worse.

[basil67]

49 minutes ago, Torpster said:

I've seen text messages back and forth with my soon to be ex asking for her best friend to cover for her.  Her BFF is female too by the way.

According to your story, you've been married 11 years and the cheating happened before and on the day you were married.   No way did the BFF keep those texts for 11 years.   

Edited May 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Torpster said:

She has tried to downplay it but yes she has admitted it.  Well she's admitted the one on our wedding day.  

All this was 13 years ago? Who was this guy? Has she cheated all along?

[picaso3183]

Been here 8 year partner, discovered affair after our 1st child born. I left. 

1. You WILL get through it. 

2. The fact you are considering the kids at this early stage is an amazing thing. No mean feat my friend and lots of people in this situation don't.

3. Legal advice - yes. Leaving the house to get some space yes. You have rights to your house even if you stay out for a while so I would suggest a week at mates or even a hotel.

4. Hate to say it but she will only admit what she knows you can prove. Don't dig anymore I know it is hard but you will be stuck in a negative loop. Your bottom line is cheating full stop, it has happened so anything else will not change stuff.

[ ] 

Stay strong, keep the kids in mind and act with dignity ( which you seen to be doing already ) 

Edited May 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed invitation for PM as OP is unable to access this yet

[Torpster]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

No way did the BFF keep those texts for 11 years. 

I've seen the texts from my wedding day.  On an old phone she no longer uses.  She pulled it out of the bottom of a drawer to show me, well so she says.  Could they be fake?  Well they could have been but my wife has already admitted cheating so at this stage how I got the information is of little consequence.  
 

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

All this was 13 years ago? Who was this guy? Has she cheated all along?

According to the ex friend she was cheating the entire two years we were together before we married, including our wedding day.  Her friend said the wedding day cheating was when she said she would no longer cover for her anymore and does not know whether it's happened since.  So far my wife has admitted to the wedding day and a few times in the early months of our relationship when we were only semi serious.  It was about six months in when we had the discussion about being exclusive.  At the time we both said we were anyway.  

It just doesn't matter to me anymore. She could have been the best most loyal girlfriend, then fiancee, and then the best most loyal wife besides that one day, our friggin wedding day, but that one day is so brutal there's just no chance of coming back.  I defy anyone to suggest they could still try to save the marriage after that.
 

6 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

Stay strong, keep the kids in mind and act with dignity ( which you seen to be doing already ) 

Thanks. This will sound worse that they way it's intended, hopefully people can understand, but I wish I didn't have kids.  A clean break and moving to the other side of the country sounds ideal.  Instead I have to learn to show respect to her in front of the kids when I literally have none for another decade or so. 

[vla1120]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Definitely talk to a lawyer before you move out. Depending on the laws in your state, the one who stays in the marital home could have the upper hand. Also, you're not a horrible person for thinking it would be much easier if you did not share children. It's probably near impossible to imagine a life co-parenting with her. However, if you always have the best interest of your children in mind, you'll make good decisions. You're already making good decision concerning your children. You'll be okay.

Are you sure it's a good idea to listen to her ex-best friend? What will she tell you that will change anything? You've already decided there is no coming back from this. Don't create even more pain for yourself by listening to her ex-best friend. Besides, you have to ask yourself - what is the motivation for her ex-best friend telling you anything more? I doubt it is for your benefit. It sounds more like it is revenge against your wife. 

You're doing all the right things, talking to a counselor, trying to keep things civil for your children. Do you have an outlet for your frustration and anger? Exercise was my go-to activity when I was saddled with the anger and frustration of being cheated on by my husband. You're right about one thing, not many can come back from that. I stayed and tried - a decision I've regretted for some time, now. I ended up getting divorced 18 years later (and then found out about more incidents of cheating - one right at the end of our marriage.)

Come out here and vent as often as necessary. There are a lot of experienced people out here who've had to navigate what you're experiencing and have a lot of good advice.