Dad grabbed my son, having hard to forget/forgive

[lillylola]

Hi everyone, 

 

I just wanted to share my story with people outside the family and I’m too ashamed to share it with my friends.. 

Last week we were on a small holiday with our family. My dad, mom, my son, my brother his wife and their kids. 

At a certain point, my son had to go to bed. He is 6 years old. He didnt want to go to bed, since he was having the time of his life and really enjoying him. To be clear; he is a sweet boy, kindhearted and functions pretty normal. Teacher at school says he such a sweet and happy boy etc. But; he became angry and didnt want to sleep. I told him he had to sleep, he then became angry and made the trashcan fall, yelling ‘I hate this day!’. I was a bit shocked, but I know him well enough to know that this his not his normal behavior and that it was caused by him being just to tired. His emotions always become stronger when hes really tired. So i said he can be angry but its not ok to make the trashcan fall and yell. He stayed angry for about 5 minutes. I calmed him down and he went to bed. 

In the meanwhile, while I was soothing my son, my whole family was listening in the livingroom. I overheard my father whispering that I should be stricter with him, that he would have smacked my son and that its probably a cultural and generational difference in vision on raising a kid. My father and I have different visions on raising a kid. He thinks that a child should be supressed and learn that the parent is the boss. I think that you should have clear and strict boundaries, but that a kid also needs soms space to show emotions and most of all; feel save and loved. He had critic on my style of raising my son a few times and became mad at my son when he was showing his emotions. 

So, I was soothing my son, my fathering was having his critic on my towards my family. When my son slept, I went into the room a bit agitated, asking my father if he thought I wasn’t being strict enough again. Problem is; my father drinks a lot. He even hides alcohol from my mother, says hes gonna wash the car and then drinks. We’ve had several incidents in which he drank and got very annoying/passive-aggressive. 

so, I saw he was a bit drunk again. He was critisising my style of raising, and then I just lost it for a second. I left the room, went outside for a walk. When I got back, my brother was on my father saying ‘no, not her son! You don’t touch her son!’ He attacked my dad, making him go away and outside. 

I ran to my son, who was totally in panick, crying. Screaming ‘why did Grandpa do this? Does he wanna kill me?’. He had bits of hair falling from his head. I was in panick to, since I heard my brother and father fighting. My first respons was to soothe my son and pack our bags, but I didnt know what happened. My mom explained what happened. When I had left, my son came to the living room. He heard the family talk about him and didnt want that to happened. So he entered and said ‘Why are you talking about me, I don’t like that?’  AFter his temper, my dad was apparently triggered by that and wanted to push my son back to his bedroom by grabbing him by the hair. This breaks my heart and I’m SO angry at my dad now. I don’t know how to go on. I had a few talks about it with my dad. He apologized, said he never wanted this to happen too. But it did happen and I’m afraid to leave my son alone with my parents. My son seems to recover from it luckily enough. Although its not totally true, I told him that grandpa wanted to stop him from seeing him and my brother fighting, so he accidentally grabbed him by the hair. He believes this and seems to not have been damaged by this. 

But I’m angry that my dad exposed him to such unhealthy and aggressive behavior. There’s more to say about this situation but for now I need to work. I hope some of you can give me advice. 

Edited May 3, 2022 by lillylola

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Don't let your parents babysit or leave your child alone with them.

You already know your father is an abusive raging alcoholic and your mother does nothing.. Try not to minimize it like your mother does thinking "it's just a cultural norm".

Research Al-Anon. It's a support network for people involved with alcoholics. Distance yourself from them and protect yourself and your child. 

 

 

[stillafool]

You should have gotten your son packed up and left, simple as that.  Now you know you cannot take your son around your Dad anymore.

[lillylola]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You should have gotten your son packed up and left, simple as that.  Now you know you cannot take your son around your Dad anymore.

I know, this was my first initial response but I was too scared. When I calmed down and my Dad had left our cottage, I thought that leaving might have made my son even more upset. He was really excited about this weekend, and I didnt want to ruin it for him by leaving. Especially since my Dad went home again. So i thought it might be best for him to enjoy the rest of the weekend with his nephew and niece and have some fun.

It’s hard now to wrap my mind around it. My dad apologized to my son, he said he loves him very much and doesnt want to hurt him. And i know to that he does love my son, but  I already communicated that my son wont be around my parents anymore when I’m not there. I do believe that, without the alcohol, my dad would have never done this. But my dad already told us that he is not gonna stop drinking. That he knows he hit rockbottom. He apologized and says he will monitor his behavior when he drinks, but he doesn’t wanna stop drinking. I just feel sick to my stomach. And yes Wiseman, I will research Al-Anon

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, lillylola said:

And yes Wiseman, I will research Al-Anon

Yes. It could be a pivotal moment for you to wrap your head around this unpleasant event/situation.

[ShyViolet]

OF COURSE you don't ever leave your son alone with them after this.

[WhereToStart]

On 5/3/2022 at 1:55 AM, lillylola said:

Advice

I don't think you can leave him alone with his grandparents, and if your dad hasn't, he should apologize to him before allowed to see him.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/3/2022 at 8:31 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. It could be a pivotal moment for you to wrap your head around this unpleasant event/situation.

Yes. Do not forgive or forget this. Never give someone abusive a free pass. Comfort your child and explain that it wasn't his fault and of course keep yourself and your child away from your family. Your mother sadly just stood by complacent.

[lillylola]

Hi everyone, I think it’s best to just give an update on this topic I started. because things haven’t been great since my dad grabbed my son. 

So ever since, we are slowly building up contact between my son and my dad, mainly because my son missed him. We see him once a month, but only for a few hours and only when I am there. I never want to leave my son alone with my dad again. 

 

But now, there’s a new situation going on in my family. Last weekend, my little nephew celebrated his birthday. He isn’t doing well in school and he probably needs to go to some special form of education. Of course, this is very hard for my brother and his wife. 

They still wanted to celebrate his birthday and make it a nice day. My dad and my son where there also. My dad was tenced the whole time. Constantly telling the kids not to do this, not to do that because maybe they would fall etc. At a certain point, my son lifted my little niece and walked with her for a little while. They think that to be fun and they sometimes do that. Then, my little niece fell and my dad bursted out “I told you not to do that! Look at what happened!”  Immediately, I cramped and defended my son so I said with a raised voice to my dad “ Why are you so angry at my son?” It was like a primal instinct, or a defencemechanism that kicked in. My dad then shouted “ I was not angry! And no, this time it was not the alcohol, its just the fact that nobody listens to me!. Well everyone, enjoy your day and I’m out!”  And he then left. I was shaking again, had to cry on the couch. Everything that happened when he grabbed my son just came up again and I felt really unformortable, especially since the room was filled with people that didnt know about the situation. I was overwhelmed and didnt want to start to cry there. So, I left the party with my son and just wanted to be somewhere safe and protect him from drama. I felt ashamed and sad, also guilty towards my nephew and brother and sister-in-law since I had left my nephews party earlier (it was about half an hour earlier then we wanted to leave). When I came home I texted my brother and his wife. Saying them that I was really sorry about leaving the party earlier. That I didnt want to spoil everything but that I cannot handle the tension with my dad and that everything that happened with my dad grabbing my son resurfaced again (they where there that weekend). 

It has been over 5 days ago now that I texted them and since then I haven’t had an answer at all. I can imagine that, since they are also talking to school about my nephew and him needing to go to special education, it might be too much for them to bear. But still, it feels like they blame me for something or are angry and giving me the silent treatment and really don’t think I deserve that. Also, my boyfriend added them on Instagram but they ignored his friendrequest, while I can see that they are active on Instagram so they surely saw it. I think it’s rude towards him as well; he’s not to blame for anything at all. 

I want to give them time to process the bad news about my nephew, but it also feels really shitty nd unfair to be ignored completely. What would you do? 

Edited February 22, 2023 by lillylola

[stillafool]

Maybe they just need to distance themselves from the drama between you and your dad and feel that a conversation with you at this time might include him and they don't want to be involved.  I would leave them alone and wait for them to contact you.

[JTSW]

On 5/3/2022 at 1:24 PM, lillylola said:

He apologized and says he will monitor his behavior when he drinks, but he doesn’t wanna stop drinking. 

Then he shouldn't be allowed to have anything to do with your son if he refuses to stop drinking.

I could never forgive my dad for something like this.

I could never forgive anyone if they laid a finger on my child.

That would be it for me. Done with them.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, lillylola said:

  I felt ashamed and sad, 

Sorry this happened. Your primary responsibility is protecting your children, so there's nothing to be ashamed about.

You did the right thing leaving if your father was being abusive again. Don't worry about your brother and SIL, surely they know about your father's abusive tendencies.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

Then he shouldn't be allowed to have anything to do with your son if he refuses to stop drinking.

I agree.  You and your son need to stay away from your Dad.  I know in your last thread you said you were seeing your Dad again because your son missed him.  Maybe it's best to not give in if your son wants to be around him again.  What does your son's father do about this?  Has he had a talk with your Dad?

[BlueberryPie]

I think this is a whole dysfunctional family system and in my experience, the siblings and their families most often stick with the parents, regardless of them being in the wrong and regardless of them not having to even take a side.

The way I see it, me and my husband and our kids are ALWAYS at the center and others, family and friends etc. are on outer layers around my little family. Therefore, my husband and kids and me are always first to us, and everyone else secondary. So, to me it's an easy choice and it sounds like you agree with that.

So, this is two incidents in a short amount of time and it does not sound like you even got an apology this time. I would step back from them all for at least a year and don't be surprised if that is eventually made permanent. Again, just my experience but I think they rarely change.

I think that whatever route you decide to take, it will go MUCH more smoothly for you if you do go to Alanon and/or counseling, to get deeper undestanding of the big picture and the dynamics of it all, as well as solid advice on how best to proceed.

The way I look at it is my little family of creation IS a happy family and it MORE than makes up for the absences from the larger family. Good luck and huge kudos for being brave enough to protect your son from abusive treatment.

Please keep us updated.

[justwhoiam]

I'm going to address what seems to be the elephant in the room here. Where is the son's father in all this?

Did you ever think that your son's aggressiveness might stem from the fact that the father is not there?

I won't comment on your father's behavior, because that was addressed already, and I agree with what was said so far. Just be cautious defending your son's behavior no matter what and not recognizing something's off. These could be signs of his malaise and they need to be addressed too. Even if you want to be his best friend, you are his mother, and he still needs to respect you. By not recognizing your authority as a parent so early on, things could get worse going on and harder to fix.

[BaileyB]

There is a reason why your father drinks, and that reason may well be that he lacks the coping skills and ability to self regulate without numbing himself to life/relationships. He is abusive when he is drinking, he can be angry and abusive when he is not. I would be very careful about the situation in which you allow your father to see your son. Always supervised. I’m sorry, this is just the reality of your family dynamic. Unless/until your dad seeks some counselling/AA, it is not safe to allow your child to spend time with your father.