How do I deal with being the LAST of my friends to NEVER been married?

[flitzanu]

you said your friend lives with you now, he isn't homeless.  

he is no longer your "homeless friend" he is your "friend" right?  your friend with a home, and the ability to pick up women.

[TooLegitToQuit]

Well, I suppose that one way to avoid getting stuck in the boring 'What do you do for work' conversational thread is, well, to just not have a job. And, if he is currently living with you, then in some way he isn't really homeless, right?

It's hard to give a definitive answer without seeing you both interact, and I do believe that any adult should be able to support themselves. But things such as money or even looks have surprisingly little to do with attraction. My guess in the meanwhile is your friend never learned the small talk/social filtering that often gets in the way of connection, and so he bonds with the women he interacts with faster.

 

Especially too since a 22-year-old couch-surfing isn't that unusual. And at that age, that he was homeless, he is considered  a victim of circumstance at least as much as anything else.

Edited May 13, 2022 by TooLegitToQuit

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Almost_Incel said:

Edit: Oh, and yes, I just recently saw my psychiatrist. He wants me to partake in Brainsway therapy.

That's good you're following up with the psychiatrist. Is your depression resistant to medical therapy and supportive psychotherapy?

You have your own place a car and a job,  no? So you seem to be doing ok.

Even though you empathize with this guy, don't let him become a parasite. You may be in a position to be taken advantage of.

 He is probably telling stories about his supposed conquests. It may be part of his psychosis.

[smackie9]

He's a hustler, and has had years to perfect the gift of gab to win people over to get what he needs to survive. He can put on the charm and have them swooning. Women think with their emotions and he knows this well....it's not about the physical with most women, it's confidence shown in body language and smooth talking. True story: a guy came up to me at a club. He was nothing to really look at, red head, kinda dorky wearing a sports blazer. He walked right up with such confidence/without any hesitation, with a big smile, grabbed both my hands, leaned in and said "You are so adorable!" "what's your name?" I was totally swept. It's that confidence wins the girl. He has game, you need to learn some. So instead of feeling burned, watch and learn what he does. Observation is your greatest tool for knowledge. 

[mark clemson]

Despite being homeless, he probably has sufficient social skills, looks, and/or an air of self-assurance to make women feel attracted. He may avoid conversational missteps as well as attitudes, insecurities, or negativity that tend to drive women away. He may not be looking for something as specific as you are, and he may be a more age-compatible partner IF he does happen to find a virgin.

There are in fact men who "mooch" off women who are attracted to them and "take them in". Not saying your friend is one of these, but they are out there. "Hustlers" is one way to describe them if that is what smakie was thinking of...

You mention social and emotional issues sufficiently problematic that they cause you to lose jobs. I strongly suspect these could be part of what makes it difficult to attract women - that there is overlap there, unfortunately.

Edited May 13, 2022 by mark clemson

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, Almost_Incel said:

I have a homeless friend I took in. He is 22 (I am 27) and short in height like me. Although, he has already been in 3 relationships before and he is talking to a couple girls right now, some of which are flirty with him.

Meanwhile, I am 27, almost 28, and I never had a real girlfriend. I haven't touched a girl in over 7 years. He is asexual, yet had sex with more than one woman in his lifetime.

Yes, I am heavyset, but he is underweight and has no muscle mass.

What the hell?!

Because he has confidence in himself, but more importantly, he knows how to connect with women emotionally.  Some people have that gift.

My brother is a perfect example.  He makes a quarter of what I make in salary (if that), never progressed as far as career goes, but has always had much more success with attracting women than I have.  I've done ok, but he has always had a GF.  He just had that gift for connecting with others and it started early on in life.

Do you ever wonder why corrections officers fall for prisoners despite them being pretty horrible people in many cases?  There was just a case here in the US where a corrections officer let a convicted murderer out of prison and they both went on the run this past week.    Attracting a woman is about making her feel good, and some are just much better at it than others.  In the case of prisoners, they have literally nothing else so they have no choice but to improve that one thing, their charisma.  It's my estimation that a disproprotionate amount of people in prison know how to connect with people.  Many of them just use the gift for criminal purposes.

So that's the answer.  If you're not naturally talented at connecting with women and people that's something you can work on improving.  There are books and videos on it but for some of us it will always be a work in progress.  I think some naturally have that inate ability to connect with others and it's something they hone and improve as they progress in life.

Edited May 13, 2022 by dramafreezone

[basil67]

Going from your previous thread, he gets the girls because it's likely he doesn't rule out anyone who's been in love before.   If you want to get girls, open your mind to more options.

And regarding the discussion about him being homeless, couch surfing is indeed a secondary form of homelessness and has all the inherent risks of not having a safe and stable place to call home. 

Edited May 13, 2022 by basil67

[Almost_Incel]

39 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Going from your previous thread, he gets the girls because it's likely he doesn't rule out anyone who's been in love before.   If you want to get girls, open your mind to more options.

And regarding the discussion about him being homeless, couch surfing is indeed a secondary form of homelessness and has all the inherent risks of not having a safe and stable place to call home. 

He sleeps on my damn futon mattress. He is a good kid, just has a lot of maturity and mental health issues.

I am unemployed too rn and trying to keep myself afloat. I am also reactivating my disability at this time.

[basil67]

You don't have to sleep on a literal couch to be couch surfing.  The term relates to staying where ever you can to keep warm, comfortable safe but not having a lease or other method of making your accommodation secure. 

Good choice to get your disability support starting up again.  

[Almost_Incel]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You don't have to sleep on a literal couch to be couch surfing.  The term relates to staying where ever you can to keep warm, comfortable safe but not having a lease or other method of making your accommodation secure. 

Good choice to get your disability support starting up again.  

Also, wanted to point out, he has had real relationships before. I haven't. That is why I am seeking a young woman without a romantic past.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He's a hustler, and has had years to perfect the gift of gab to win people over to get what he needs to survive. He can put on the charm and have them swooning. Women think with their emotions and he knows this well....it's not about the physical with most women, it's confidence shown in body language and smooth talking. True story: a guy came up to me at a club. He was nothing to really look at, red head, kinda dorky wearing a sports blazer. He walked right up with such confidence/without any hesitation, with a big smile, grabbed both my hands, leaned in and said "You are so adorable!" "what's your name?" I was totally swept. It's that confidence wins the girl. He has game, you need to learn some. So instead of feeling burned, watch and learn what he does. Observation is your greatest tool for knowledge. 

I agree….

 

I have a friend who had that “ skill” and charm and could get with most women if he tried.

 

this friend likely built this charm as a way to survive and get assistance in many ways.  
 

Another friends brother who I knew in high school…he was a charmer with the ladies and would easily have3+ women courting him after school but he never had a girlfriend.  About 5 yrs or so ago my friend said he just found out this brother was gay.  He wasn’t told about it because they thought he was homophobic ( he’s not.. but because of his job he makes homophobic  jokes).  When he said this, I told him I’m not at all surprised. I had a strong feeling since since high school.  He had that similar level of charm toget things.

[Almost_Incel]

I had an online thing with this girl for 5 months. I do not consider it a real relationship, as she rejected me upon meeting me in person. She discovered I wasn't her type. 

I met her on a coding forum. At the time, I had given up on finding a woman.

For years, I have always sought a woman without a romantic past, meaning no previous first love or boyfriend.

Anyways, we really hit it off. I remember the first conversation we had (as my eyes are tearing up). She later disclosed to me she never had a boyfriend or a first love, other than a crush she had on a boy she was never really close to. She was a devout Catholic and also a virgin. She grew up homeschooled and sheltered in a home with 6 other siblings. She was 18 and I was 25 at the time. 

She was perfect, and we began to talk more and more until we even talked in the phone and video chatted. I thought I found the one.

Sadly, as I said, she rejected me upon meeting me in person that weekend. She later met another guy who she was engaged to months later. About a month ago, she married this guy at 19.

I am still devistated. It may be better now, but I still have my moments. 

I fear I will never find another girl like her when we first met, one without a romantic past like her.

[glows]

Sometimes are master architects of our own demise. You have some stringent criteria that makes it difficult for you to find a partner, and also feel accepted.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, at your age, you are going to find it very difficult to meet a woman without any sort of past who wants to be with an older guy.

Most young women without any romantic past are going to be teens, and you are going to find that the majority will want a guy closer to their age. Not a man in his mid-late 20s. You'll continue to grow out of their general age group of interest, and find it harder and harder to meet such a young lady. That's just the way it goes. Your best bet is ask yourself why you can't handle the idea of a woman with a past, and if it's down to extreme insecurity, work on that rather than chasing a unicorn. 

You're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment in dating otherwise. 

[Almost_Incel]

19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, at your age, you are going to find it very difficult to meet a woman without any sort of past who wants to be with an older guy.

Most young women without any romantic past are going to be teens, and you are going to find that the majority will want a guy closer to their age. Not a man in his mid-late 20s. You'll continue to grow out of their general age group of interest, and find it harder and harder to meet such a young lady. That's just the way it goes. Your best bet is ask yourself why you can't handle the idea of a woman with a past, and if it's down to extreme insecurity, work on that rather than chasing a unicorn. 

You're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment in dating otherwise. 

It may take a miracle, but I am still hoping to maybe find another girl like that.

[Wiseman2]

On 5/17/2022 at 10:47 PM, Almost_Incel said:

I remember the first conversation we had as my eyes are tearing up. 

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Talk about the protracted sadness, crying, ruminating and obsessions.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

With appropriate support you'll feel better and once you feel better, your chances of meeting realistic compatible women could improve.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, Almost_Incel said:

It may take a miracle, but I am still hoping to maybe find another girl like that.

What makes you so uncomfortable dating a woman who's had experience? 

[Almost_Incel]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What makes you so uncomfortable dating a woman who's had experience? 

There are a multitude of different reasons. I have evaluated them for years and I have yet to budge. A large part of it relates to wanting a woman with the same inexperience as me. I feel it is more mutual that way. Also, me and a woman can never say we knew each other and were close to each other when we were young. I don't want a woman that has had a romantic bond with a guy before, especially from her youth. They say first love is special for a reason.

Edited May 19, 2022 by Almost_Incel

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Almost_Incel said:

They say first love is special for a reason.

Eh, in my experience, it's also quite over-rated. 

Most people don't stay with their first loves forever, and for good reason. That person may hold a special memory in our hearts but when we have no other experience, it usually means we are not really prepared to settle down with them for the rest of our lives.

You are limiting yourself by narrowing your scope this much, and will set yourself up for more misery at it gets harder to find someone so inexperienced. Those people tend to be on the much younger side, and as I said, you will become less appealing to those very young ladies the older you get. Stick with your stringent criteria if you want, but understand that it could mean you miss out. Or when you do meet someone (such as the young woman in this thread), you fall apart when it doesn't work out. 

 

[Almost_Incel]

As most of you know, I have been unable to get over a woman's romantic past. I seek a woman where we can be each other's first relationship and first loves. I have never had a real girlfriend , and I am 27. 

Anyways, I had a therapy session today and the therapist pretty much told me if I don't lower my criteria, I could be facing being single the rest of my life.

This is absolutely soul crushing to me because my entire life I have always wanted to have a girlfriend, wife, and a family of my own. I still want a woman that has never had her first love, so I may alone the rest of my life. I don't know how I am going to handle this.

I feel like giving up on growing my career and developing as a person. I mean, what is the point? I am going to be alone the rest of my life anyways. I fear the day my parents are no longer around, as I will no longer have a shoulder to cry on.

 

[divegrl]

Well there are lots of girls at my church who are in their 20s and never been in love. 

They are out there. Wishing you the best. 

[Almost_Incel]

16 minutes ago, divegrl said:

Well there are lots of girls at my church who are in their 20s and never been in love. 

They are out there. Wishing you the best. 

What kind of church? Protestant? Catholic?

[SumGuy]

On 5/19/2022 at 6:47 PM, Almost_Incel said:

There are a multitude of different reasons. I have evaluated them for years and I have yet to budge. A large part of it relates to wanting a woman with the same inexperience as me. I feel it is more mutual that way. Also, me and a woman can never say we knew each other and were close to each other when we were young. I don't want a woman that has had a romantic bond with a guy before, especially from her youth. They say first love is special for a reason.

First love is often foolish love, you are in love with an ideal of the person and not the actual person.  Now love after one has had some expereince, is often much deeper, more solid and more real as you know yourself better and are less likely to fall in love with an ideal.  At least in my actual experience.  You can love deeply a second time, and you can still get that thrill you got the first time when it was new because it is new with each person and there can be a new depth there you never felt before.  So she can feel for you deeply as well, probably more so even if you are not the first.

Love is not a limited resource or limited in depth to only one person, ask anyone with kids, ask anyone tragically lost a spouse who found love again.

There is not much to both being inexperienced.  There is no secret in getting along in a relationship that requires you to be in a relationship to learn.   Decent, caring people do it right the first time; selfish people never learn.  What expereince really gives you is helping you know yourself.  Also it avoids the grass is always greener thoughts when you have an idea of what is around. 

On sexual expereince, that depends so much on connection and chemistry what they did with someone else before is meaningless, also most men leave a lot to be desired in bed it seems, and...one can always learn very quickly what works if one just pays attention.  Frankly, have known many women who like sexually inexperienced men because despite what the internet may say it is more about connection and you don't come with any bad habits, an inflated ego or potentially STDs, etc.  Especially when looking for a relationship.

I do think you are more in love with an idea than the person, that can backfire as perceptive people can pick up on it.  Being idealized sucks as you can only fall from the pedestal. 

I'm hoping that helps to the extent this desire comes from insecurity, jealousy, or the belief that deep romance can't occur with someone who is not your first.

Also at 27, seeking women 19 (or basically under 21) is getting into the creepy category for many; which will only get worse as you age.

[dramafreezone]

On 5/19/2022 at 3:47 PM, Almost_Incel said:

There are a multitude of different reasons. I have evaluated them for years and I have yet to budge. A large part of it relates to wanting a woman with the same inexperience as me. I feel it is more mutual that way. Also, me and a woman can never say we knew each other and were close to each other when we were young. I don't want a woman that has had a romantic bond with a guy before, especially from her youth. They say first love is special for a reason.

I think putting such strict parameters on what you're looking for is preventing you from finding anything.  It also may be a defense mechanism so you don't have to get out there and face reality.  I think this because I used to do the same thing, I used to say I'm just really picky, when in reality I had a petrifying fear of rejection.  But no one gets to cheat the system.  Most of us have to find the wrong person and/or endure some rejection to get to the right person.

I would not live my life according to what "they" say.  You're unhappy living by those ideals so why would you continue to abide by them?  People are wrong all the time, and what they say, while it may be true in their life, it's not necessarily true for your own life.  You need to find your truth and live according to that, not according to someone else's ideals that are doing nothing but causing you misery.

You can have all of those things you want, the girlfriend, wife, kids.  But women are not this thing that you've concocted in your mind.  They're real with flaws, and will invaribly disappoint you if you hold them to this unreasonably high standard you've set.

Edited May 23, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Weezy1973]

On 5/5/2022 at 12:22 PM, Almost_Incel said:

There are very good reasons why I have this criteria.

There are no good reasons to have that criteria. The reason you do, is because of your own lack of self-esteem / worth. You're hoping someone that doesn't have any experience won't be able to judge you compared to her past partners as you're convinced you'd be judged unfavourably.