I don't know what to do

[Sp1nx]

Hello everyone
Breakup, don't breakup? A question probably nobody here can answer for me. Still, I want to try my best and explain myself to you.

. 
In general, I had an okay childhood(no violence). Lived alone with my mom, she was really overprotective. The result of that was that I was an outsider my whole life. She held me close until I decided to move to my dad at 18-19 years old. I had low self-esteem, poor discipline and poor mental health. Still, at 19 Years old I found my girlfriend. Honestly, she is a dream. Just like in every relationship there are issues but mostly we could work it out. I am a calm guy so it's rare that I get angry over her doing something wrong. That's why most of the time we don't have any issues. After 6 months we moved in together, we got ourselves a dog(which belongs to her, she wanted it) and i brought my cat into our new home.

Speed up 3 years and I just got 23 years old, which means next year I am going to be 24 years old. In general, I can say our relationship is still okay, i like her but it's just like meh. When she comes home I am not unhappy but I am also not happy. It is just what it is. Lately, at night, I have been thinking about if I would marry her or if i can imagine myself having kids with her. And honestly, I can't. I feel like the result will be me leaving in a midlife crisis or finding another girl that is suddenly in my life. Truth is I have only ever known her. Yes I had female friends but the only woman I have ever been together was her. How can I say yes I love you and I will be with you for the rest of my life if I haven't met any other girl that I may like. In general it feels like I have been standing still for the last 3 years. I am still the same guy, without a lot of confidence, without a lot of consistency at the gym and I just feel like I would need to live alone with time for myself and focus on myself to really develop myself and grow as a person. I am scared to wake up at 30 and realize that I am still the same guy living with the same girl without having changed a bit. It's just that I realized how fast time goes by and I don't wanna waste it sitting at home in this room, working at my desk and living with a girl who I can't see myself marrying. I just don't want to have regrets in life. Like there are so many things that I probably will never experience if I forever stay with her. We are already living like an old couple.

To be honest, I never wanted that life. Living with a girl and a dog and cats, everything stable. I wanted it to be more adventurous.
But how do I do what maybe is right for me, when I have the most beautiful girl in front of me, who takes care of me, who has nice parents, who is a good person. How can I possibly break this person's heart like that when I still like her myself....
This is something I am really bad at. I can't hurt other people or put myself first. I couldn't do it with my mother and I can't do it now with her. I just don't want beef. I stay out of trouble. But I am not really happy. It feels like I am just going through life and everything is just meh.

I hope you guys are having a good day :).

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Sp1nx said:

After 6 months we moved in together, we got ourselves a dog

When she comes home I am not unhappy but I am also not happy. It is just what it is. Lately, at night, I have been thinking about if I would marry her or if i can imagine myself having kids with her. I don't wanna waste it sitting at home in this room, working at my desk and living with a girl who I can't see myself marrying.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately this was too much too soon and too young.

While living together may have been fun/exciting in the beginning, you're realizing you feel trapped and unhappy.

Honesty is the best policy. Don't just coast along miserably and string her along. How long is left on your lease?

Since is more boredom than crisis, be honest and go your separate ways when the lease is up. You're not doing her or yourself favors by harboring miserable feelings and resentment that you would rather be free.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Sp1nx said:

In general it feels like I have been standing still for the last 3 years. I am still the same guy, without a lot of confidence, without a lot of consistency at the gym and I just feel like I would need to live alone with time for myself and focus on myself to really develop myself and grow as a person. I am scared to wake up at 30 and realize that I am still the same guy living with the same girl without having changed a bit. It's just that I realized how fast time goes by and I don't wanna waste it sitting at home in this room, working at my desk and living with a girl who I can't see myself marrying.

 

2 hours ago, Sp1nx said:

I just don't want beef. I stay out of trouble. But I am not really happy. It feels like I am just going through life and everything is just meh.

I'm not understanding why you're not growing yourself or finding interests and hobbies while in the relationship. Do you feel that she is negative towards new things you'd like to try? Have there ever been comments or arguments if you've expressed an interest in something, a new hobby for instance? I'm also not understanding what your gym consistency has anything to do with her unless the relationship is restrictive and controlling. I know what that's like and to feel frozen or paralyzed or unable to do much from feeling so down or low (trapped and demoralized) so I'd rethink whether the relationship is having a profoundly negative effect on you or whether the both of you have a similar outlook or voracity for life. 

I ask those questions because it leads into something peculiar at the bottom where you said "I just don't want beef". Perhaps you've not ever expressed yourself before or felt like you could balance a relationship and other personal goals but it it is possible in a healthy, nurturing and compatible relationship. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Like a lot of relationships that start young, it appears you've outgrown this one. 

It doesn't seem you're ready to settle down and commit forever, which is understanable at your age. I was in your shoes at your age as well, and had the same thoughts about my then-boyfriend. He hadn't done anything wrong, but I knew after a few years together that I couldn't see myself staying with him for the rest of my life. We were mostly going through the motions but I wasn't that happy. I didn't have the right feelings to sustain the relationship anymore, so I did the hard thing and ended it. 

I felt terrible hurting him. But I also never regretted parting ways with him. We weren't right for each other, in the end. My sense is that this is where you're at with your relationship. 

[Sp1nx]

Thanks everyone for your answers. This has helped. I think an honest conversation is the way to go.

20 hours ago, glows said:

I'm not understanding why you're not growing yourself or finding interests and hobbies while in the relationship

It is not anything that she does wrong. It's just a lot harder for myself to go out and do something(go to the gym, try new things) when there is always a person at home who rather wants you at home. It's just the constant feeling of needing to be with myself, alone more. Maybe this is something fixable but I doubt that my feeling about marriage & kids will go away.

Thanks again for all the answers.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Sp1nx said:

It is not anything that she does wrong. It's just a lot harder for myself to go out and do something(go to the gym, try new things) when there is always a person at home who rather wants you at home. It's just the constant feeling of needing to be with myself, alone more. Maybe this is something fixable but I doubt that my feeling about marriage & kids will go away.

Be honest with your thoughts and more assertive and firm about what you need to do. Someone making quips and comments about how they'd rather have you at home instead of celebrating your accomplishments and triumphs OUTSIDE of the home and doing what makes you happy is negative over a long period of time. Be clearer with yourself about what you'd like to do with your life and surround yourself with individuals who support that or share a similar lifestyle. Someone who is compatible with you will either be by your side or just has happy doing other things she would like to do. You don't have to be joined at the hip constantly. 

I'd explore whether there are trust issues and issues with codependency in the relationship. Either or both of you are depending too heavily on the other or thinking that you have to make up for the other person's insecurities.