Girlfriend says she will leave me if I don't propose within the next 1-2 years?

[Bensharp1]

Hi!

My girlfriend and I are both 27 and have been together for 3 years. We recently purchased a house together too. Recently she has been saying that if I don't propose to her within the next 1-2 years that she will leave me and find someone who does want to marry her. I have explained that marriage isn't something that I'm really interested in, it's nothing against her it's just not something I think about. Maybe it's because everyone I known that have gotten married has ended in divorce and it's always been messy. I'm also not one that really plans the future, I like to live in the moment. But she likes to plan out her life etc. I don't know how I will feel in 5 years time, maybe I will want to marry her then (But it would be too late if she leaves in 1-2 years!). I just don't feel ready to propose to her yet. I don't know if I will ever feel ready though.

Am I being a bad boyfriend? What should I do here? I have explained to her that I don't feel ready, and maybe in the future I will. Which would clearly make her upset. She likes to have this conversation like 3-4 times a week thinking that maybe I will be ready on the next conversation. It's starting to cause tension in the relationship.

I know I should have a think about if I see myself marrying her in the future and be honest with her about that. But I really don't know if I do. I feel like being with someone for 3 years is no where near long enough to decide if you want to spend the next 60 odd years with that person.

Any advice would be amazing, thank you.

 

[stillafool]

Did you tell her you weren't interested in marriage when you first started your relationship?  Was she aware of your decision about marriage before she became a co owner of the house?

[Bensharp1]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you tell her you weren't interested in marriage when you first started your relationship?  Was she aware of your decision about marriage before she became a co owner of the house?

Yes she was aware before becoming co-owners of the house. It was during the first year of our relationship that I made her aware im not really interested in marriage. Sometimes she says she is fine with it and has accepted that we will never get married, other times she says she will leave if we dont get married.

[stillafool]

No you definitely are not being a bad boyfriend.  She's being a bad gf by giving you an ultimatum.  She knew perfectly well how you felt about marriage yet she bought a home with you thinking that was going to lead to marriage.  Now she sees that isn't working and she's pissed.  I hate games.  I know you care about her but don't change your mind to please her as marriage is a life time commitment when you do it right.  You want a woman that you are champing at the bit to marry and even then it's a hard road.  You will be okay without her.

[Bensharp1]

Thank you, that's kind of what I was thinking. I guess I feel like I'm being a bad boyfriend by saying that maybe in the future I will feel ready (Like I'm giving her false hope/wasting her time), but truthfully I don't know how I will feel in the future, I might very well want to marry her in a few years. It's hard to say what I would want. But at the moment it's not something I want and it feels too soon to make a decision like that.

[Happy Lemming]

Many years ago, I had a woman give me an ultimatum (similar to your situation).  We had been dating for about 2 years (we didn't live together). We had just come back to her place after a nice dinner out.  We started making out and we were heading to the bedroom when she blurted out this ultimatum that I needed to get engaged to her or I should leave.  I didn't have to think about it, I left... I wasn't going to be bullied or coerced into a decision of that magnitude.

I really don't think she was expecting me to leave.   When I got home she had left this long message on my answering machine, crying about (basically) everything.  I never called her back or saw her again.

Fast forward about 20 years and she is on husband number 4 (last I heard).  I know for a fact I made the right decision, but 3 other guys didn't.

Although, getting out of this co-ownership of the house is going to be a bit of a problem, a divorce will be quite a bit messier.  I've learned that once the demands start and you acquiesce, they don't stop.  It will be I want children next (even if you are not ready), then it will be something else and so on and so forth.

My advice... contact a real estate attorney and see about buying her out. You need to get her off of the deed and mortgage.

 

[glows]

I'd remove the good or bad out of the equation in terms of who is a good or bad bf/gf and look at it as two individuals evolving or growing apart. What you're doing is adding more tension to the situation and finding fault. The issue is you both want different things. She may have changed her mind over some time and you haven't changed your mind. 

If you can't see yourself marrying her you ARE neglecting the evolving nature of the relationship so reconsider whether this relationship is for you. She may find your indecisiveness or inability to give her a straight answer frustrating. 

A second thought I have is about your view of marriage in general and that you have preconceived, very negative, perceptions of what marriage constitutes and what it can become (a messy divorce). In truth, yes, there is always the possibility of a fall out just as there is a possibility of a break up every time you enter a new relationship. Ironically even though you don't want to get married in theory and don't agree with the concept, you are considering breaking up with your girlfriend. And it is messy. You have bought a home together. It is more complicated than it would have been if you hadn't. There's some food for thought there on what constitutes "messy". 

Edited May 4, 2022 by glows

[mark clemson]

I also don't see either of you as good or bad; it does sound like you have incompatible desires/plans for the future, though. If you straight up WILL NEVER marry her and don't see that changing, you could consider biting the bullet and telling her she should leave you and find someone else who can meet her needs.

Edited May 4, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Bensharp1 said:

I don't know how I will feel in 5 years time, maybe I will want to marry her then (But it would be too late if she leaves in 1-2 years!). I just don't feel ready to propose to her yet.

If it was clear that you never want to marry when you bought the house hopefully you are not saying this also because that is creating the conflict. You can't in one breath state "I'm against marriage" and then in another state "Maybe I'll be ready in 5 years". You need to make up your mind firmly not vacillate to string her along.

Edited May 4, 2022 by Wiseman2

[flitzanu]

plenty of varied opinions on here to think about.  my story, i had a girl i lived with and WANTED to marry, just didn't know if it was the right time, wanted to be financially stable, blah blah - i was hesitating wanting my life to be perfect not as an excuse, but not wanting to screw up.

turns out life is never perfect, she left because like your girl, she wanted to be married and start a family.  

if you don't want to be married, don't change your life and marry just to keep her.

if you don't want to be married, don't string her along with false hope.

if you don't marry her, she's going to leave you and you need to accept that.

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, Bensharp1 said:

Am I being a bad boyfriend? What should I do here? I have explained to her that I don't feel ready, and maybe in the future I will. Which would clearly make her upset. She likes to have this conversation like 3-4 times a week thinking that maybe I will be ready on the next conversation. It's starting to cause tension in the relationship.

No. You're not being a bad boyfriend and don't allow anyone to pressure you into something as serious as marriage if that is not what you want right now. You might need to be prepared to lose her, but no one should be pressured into marriage if they are not ready. 

[Els]

You have made your position on marriage clear to her at an early stage, so I don't think you're in the wrong here. She needs to decide, on her own, whether she is willing to accept that or not. Do not feel pressured to make a lifelong commitment that you don't want to make.

That being said, considering that you literally co-own a house, you've removed any possibility of a split being NOT messy. It is going to get messy if you split up, period. If that is something that you really want to avoid, you shouldn't have bought a house with her.

Edited May 4, 2022 by Elswyth

[stillafool]

39 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

That being said, considering that you literally co-own a house, you've removed any possibility of a split being NOT messy

OP, I'm curious why did you enter into this mortgage agreement with her when you knew you didn't want to marry?  Why did she enter it with you when she knew she would want to marry one day?

Edited May 4, 2022 by stillafool

[basil67]

There's really no winning for someone who's at the point of making a difficult decision.  Your girlfriend is damned if she issues an ultimatum.  But if she just up and left, then she's damned for not giving you the heads up about how seriously she was feeling about the issue. 

I think that three years is more than enough to know if you want to marry a person.  The fact that you're not feeling it indicates that either you never want marriage or don't want to marry her.  Either way, her needs aren't getting met and she's realised that she needs to move on.   Yes, it's annoying that this has come after buying a house together, but everyone has the right to change their mind about the direction their life is heading in.

Stop stringing her along with ideas that you could change in the future.  Instead, be decisive. Own your wants and needs and clearly articulate them.   Then sell the house and let her find someone who meets her needs.

 

[BaileyB]

In all sincerity, what is the different between being in a committed relationship, owning a home together, and being married. You are legally and financially tied to each other now - just without the paper and the party. If you have children together, you will be further tied to this woman for the rest of your life. Personally, I think it’s strange to say that you don’t want to get married because marriages end in divorce - and then tie yourself to a woman in every other way by living together, buying a home together, and possibly someday, having children together. 

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Either way, her needs aren't getting met and she's realised that she needs to move on. 

This. You may have communicated your intention never to marry upfront, but she has obviously never heard or accepted what you have said. So now, she is at a place where she needs to make a decision. You are not willing to marry and this is important for her - she needs to make the decision to end this relationship and go in search of someone who wants the same things she wants from life.

As difficult as it is, if you know that getting married is important to her and you know for a fact that you have no intention to marry - the kindest thing you can do for her is to communicate this clearly and let her go. Stringing her along with false promises - and “I don’t feel ready but maybe someday in the future I will change my mind” is a false promise - is a cruel thing to do to her. Be honest about your feelings and your intentions, be decisive, and be prepared to let her go if you are not able to give her what she really needs. She will really resent you if she stays and she is not able to do what she most wants in this life - marriage and perhaps, a family. 

Edited May 4, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

I should add, her swinging back and forth saying she wants marriage and also saying she's OK with not being married, is her being torn between what she wants and compromising to stay with you.   She clearly cares enough to try to compromise, but the reality is that this compromise doesn't sit well no matter how much she tries to persuade herself otherwise.  

Also, do you see the irony where you don't want marriage because you're scared of breaking up and at the same time you're about to break up because you don't want marriage.  Either way, you're going to be single.

[FMW]

Marriage is one of those issues that I just don't believe you can compromise on successfully.  Either you want it or you don't.  Owning a property together is an entanglement, but not the kind of legal entanglement marriage would be.  It's certainly not a reason to just go ahead and do it.

I will say though that there is a difference in (1) not feeling a need to get married but doing it because your significant other wants it, and (2) definitely NOT wanting to get married but giving in and doing it anyway to avoid the breakup of your relationship.  There are worse things than the dismantling of a non-marital relationship, even with co-ownerhship of a house involved.  

Figure out how YOU really feel about it.  Don't do it if you have real  and continuing doubts (not just fleeting moments).  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Also, do you see the irony where you don't want marriage because you're scared of breaking up and at the same time you're about to break up because you don't want marriage.  Either way, you're going to be single.

Truth!

I also agree - her vacillating between saying she wants or does not want marriage is likely her trying to come to terms with the reality that you don’t want the same thing. She loves you, but she also has a desire to marry. In much the same way that you say - “I’m not ready now, but maybe I will feel differently in the future…” she says, “I thought I was ok with never getting married, but now I’m starting to feel differently…” 

[basil67]

@Bensharp1 we had a poster here not that long ago who didn't want to get married.  His long term partner did want marriage, decided that enough is enough and left him.  The guy was devastated at losing her.  Even more devastated when she moved on.  

How will you feel if she leaves you?  If you'd be OK with it, then it was definitely the right choice to not marry.  But if you'd be shattered, then you may want to rethink your stance.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

Stop stringing her along with ideas that you could change in the future.

I see it as her stringing herself along by staying with a man 3 years who has told her he never wants to marry.  Then to buy a home with that guy who doesn't want to marry you is insane.  So now he is being viewed as the bad guy even though he was honest with her from the beginning how he felt about marriage.  I'll bet, she felt like a lot of women, that this was the man she wanted to marry from the start, and she was going to change his mind.  That didn't work and now she's hurt and he's being blamed for it.  If a person doesn't want to get married or have kids that is their decision and should not be made to feel bad about it or persuaded to change their mind.  Not everyone wants the same things out of life.  There are plenty of men out there for her to find who want marriage and a family just as there are other women out there who want what OP does.  These two just aren't compatible.

[dramafreezone]

On 5/4/2022 at 7:42 AM, Bensharp1 said:

My girlfriend and I are both 27 and have been together for 3 years. We recently purchased a house together too. Recently she has been saying that if I don't propose to her within the next 1-2 years that she will leave me and find someone who does want to marry her. I have explained that marriage isn't something that I'm really interested in, it's nothing against her it's just not something I think about. Maybe it's because everyone I known that have gotten married has ended in divorce and it's always been messy. I'm also not one that really plans the future, I like to live in the moment. But she likes to plan out her life etc. I don't know how I will feel in 5 years time, maybe I will want to marry her then (But it would be too late if she leaves in 1-2 years!). I just don't feel ready to propose to her yet. I don't know if I will ever feel ready though.

You can't give in to threats, ultimatums or coercion.  If you do get married then you've set a precedent to be run over with another ultimatum again and again.

If you don't feel that you can enter that level committment with her then there's a reason for that.  Say you break up with her, you may meet someone else that makes you feel ready to be married in 6 months.  I don't think there's something wrong with you, but there's something missing in this relationship to where you don't see marriage with her.

I don't believe that people have an aboslute fear of committment.  I think it's situational, you have a fear of commitment with *her* coupled with the observations of all of your friends and families marriages.  Nevertheless, I think for everyone there's someone that will make them want to run to the altar.

I don't think you should base your decision off of a fear of possibly losing her.  Make it off of if you feel she is the right woman to be married to.  If she leaves then that's on her.

You have to ask yourself, does she want to be married more than she wants to be with you?  Seems like it to me.

I don't think you're giving her false hope by saying you might be ready in the future.  None of us can know how we'll feel in 5 years.  But she needs to make the best decision off of the current state of affairs, and that's clear right now.  I don't think you need to feel guilty about anything, you're being honest IMO.  Through similar circumstances, I've learned that even being upfront from the beginning you won't prevent you from being "the bad guy", it just is what it is.

Edited May 5, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Alpacalia]

Yes. Absolutely wrong.

You're too old to not know better; a 21-year-old dragging his feet is not the same as a 27-year-old man dragging his feet; a 21-year-old dragging his feet is going to look very different than a 27-year-old man. You are taking away valuable years from the woman's life at this point, probably the point in her life where she is most fertile. There are times when you need to be cruel in order to be kind, so just do it and end it.

She will thank you in the end, believe me.

I hope you can come to this conclusion yourself. At some point, she will lay down the gauntlet, but it takes a better man to just be honest for the sake of both of their happiness.

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

You can't give in to threats, ultimatums or coercion.  If you do get married then you've set a precedent to be run over with another ultimatum again and again.

If you don't feel that you can enter that level committment with her then there's a reason for that.  Say you break up with her, you may meet someone else that makes you feel ready to be married in 6 months.  I don't think there's something wrong with you, but there's something missing in this relationship to where you don't see marriage with her.

I don't believe that people have an aboslute fear of committment.  I think it's situational, you have a fear of commitment with *her* coupled with the observations of all of your friends and families marriages.  Nevertheless, I think for everyone there's someone that will make them want to run to the altar.

I don't think you should base your decision off of a fear of possibly losing her.  Make it off of if you feel she is the right woman to be married to.  If she leaves then that's on her.

You have to ask yourself, does she want to be married more than she wants to be with you?  Seems like it to me.

I don't think you're giving her false hope by saying you might be ready in the future.  None of us can know how we'll feel in 5 years.  But she needs to make the best decision off of the current state of affairs, and that's clear right now.  I don't think you need to feel guilty about anything, you're being honest IMO.  Through similar circumstances, I've learned that even being upfront from the beginning you won't prevent you from being "the bad guy", it just is what it is.

This is really unfair.  If he doesn't want to be married, but she DOES, it simply means they don't want the same things in life and therefore they are incompatible.  Like someone who really wants kids with someone who doesn't - those are things you can't really compromise on.

And if it's also a matter of his not wanting to be married to HER, then even more reason for her to find someone who DOES (want to marry HER).

[Els]

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

Stop stringing her along with ideas that you could change in the future.

How is he stringing her along??? He literally said "It was during the first year of our relationship that I made her aware im not really interested in marriage.". I don't see any indication whatsoever from his posts that he has been untruthful or vague with her about his stance. Of course, it's possible that there are things he isn't telling us, but that could apply either way.