Girlfriend says she will leave me if I don't propose within the next 1-2 years?

[Lauriebell82]

On 5/4/2022 at 1:05 PM, Wiseman2 said:

If it was clear that you never want to marry when you bought the house hopefully you are not saying this also because that is creating the conflict. You can't in one breath state "I'm against marriage" and then in another state "Maybe I'll be ready in 5 years". You need to make up your mind firmly not vacillate to string her along.

100% agree! I think this is what is creating the poor girl's own conflict. You are ambivalent and can't quite give her a firm "no" without giving her a "wellllll I could be ready in 5 years, gotta keep THAT option open too." 

Are you being a bad boyfriend? Well at the very least I'd say you are being very very unfair to her. You are stringing her along with your own indecision about marriage. You can't commit to either a yes or no, and quite frankly most women don't want to be an option "in case you decide later down the line." 

That being said: if 3 years is too short of a period of time for you then tell that straight up. But don't give her this song and dance that you are against marriage one day, then open to it down the line the next. I think a more straightforward answer would be that you feel 3 years is too short of a period of time to make that decision and that you need longer to come to a conclusion about something so important to your future. THEN she can decide if she is in a position to wait and see if your relationship naturally progresses there. But STOP with the mixed messages. I don't agree with her ultimatum but I understand that men who give mixed messages regarding marriage can confuse the crap out of you! 

Edited May 11, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[deepthinking]

All the talk so far has stopped at a wedding.  But getting wed and staying childless would not be typical,  I suspect she wants children, but does not want to say.  Not yet.

Edited May 11, 2022 by deepthinking

[Lauriebell82]

7 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

All the talk so far has stopped at a wedding.  But getting wed and staying childless would not be typical,  I suspect she wants children, but does not want to say.  Not yet.

Yeah, that was my motivation for getting married. I got married at 28, had my first at 29, my second at 31. If she is already 27 (and wants multiple children) then she WOULD need to get married within the next few years to make that work for her. Men generally don't understand this, as they have a much longer window of time (or none at all if they don't really care!) She "could" wait around 5 years to see if her OP changes his tune regarding marriage, but by then she'd be 32, having to start allll over from scratch with meeting someone and her "window" of time got that much shorter. I can see why she wants an answer now (rather than risk waiting around for 5 more years for a proposal that may or may not come!)

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, deepthinking said:

All the talk so far has stopped at a wedding.  But getting wed and staying childless would not be typical,  I suspect she wants children, but does not want to say.  Not yet.

I agree.  He should break up with her and let her go so she can find someone to marry and have kids with before it's too late.  It will take time to meet a guy and one who wants to marry so it's better to start looking now that she's in her late 20s.  If he decides later on after he meets the right woman that he wants to marry he has time.  He'll more than likely end up with a younger woman.

[dramafreezone]

17 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

100% agree! I think this is what is creating the poor girl's own conflict. You are ambivalent and can't quite give her a firm "no" without giving her a "wellllll I could be ready in 5 years, gotta keep THAT option open too." 

 

She is not a "poor girl."  She is a grown adult that can see the facts as they stand today.  I think referring to grown women as poor girls is infantilizing them, as if they have no agency to control their own lives. 

She is completely capable of making the best decisions for her own life based on the evidence available.  It's not up to him to make decisions for her life, that's her responsibility. 

Edited May 12, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

On 5/4/2022 at 11:16 AM, Bensharp1 said:

 I guess I feel like I'm being a bad boyfriend by saying that maybe in the future I will feel ready (Like I'm giving her false hope/wasting her time), but truthfully I don't know how I will feel in the future, I might very well want to marry her in a few years.

Yes that is stringing someone along. Plain and simple. You're already incompatible if you have to use lies to get someone to help you buy a house.

[Alpacalia]

On 5/4/2022 at 7:42 AM, Bensharp1 said:

I have explained to her that I don't feel ready, and maybe in the future I will.

On 5/4/2022 at 7:42 AM, Bensharp1 said:

I know I should have a think about if I see myself marrying her in the future and be honest with her about that. But I really don't know if I do.

C'mon now. You yourself are saying a lie to yourself and your girlfriend knowing you don’t have a future with that person. So save your time and energy and move on and find someone to spend time with that you do you see a possibility of spending a future with. 

If you discussed it and she agreed, carry on. But under no circumstances should you string her along if she wants more and you don’t. That is one of the most cruel things you can do to someone who has made themselves vulnerable and trusted you.

[Lauriebell82]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

She is not a "poor girl."  She is a grown adult that can see the facts as they stand today.  I think referring to grown women as poor girls is infantilizing them, as if they have no agency to control their own lives. 

She is completely capable of making the best decisions for her own life based on the evidence available.  It's not up to him to make decisions for her life, that's her responsibility. 

While this may be true, you cant say that a guy stringing his girlfriend along with his own indecision is fair. Yes, she is grown women, but investing 3 years in a relationship is a long time. Its daunting to start all over. Not everyone is so detached that they can just pick up and leave a long term relationship..even if they know its not the best fit for them. 
 

Personally I think they are both to blame. She is conflicted so she is staying because she loves him, doesnt want to be single, he’s staying because he “may” see marriage in the future. Its also easier then starting all over. They both have the same motivation for staying..just different end goals. 

Edited May 12, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[Will am I]

4 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

While this may be true, you cant say that a guy stringing his girlfriend along with his own indecision is fair. Yes, she is grown women, but investing 3 years in a relationship is a long time. Its daunting to start all over. Not everyone is so detached that they can just pick up and leave a long term relationship..even if they know its not the best fit for them. 
 

Personally I think they are both to blame. She is conflicted so she is staying because she loves him, doesnt want to be single, he’s staying because he “may” see marriage in the future. Its also easier then starting all over. They both have the same motivation for staying..just different end goals. 

I once heard the following statement:

“love waits, but not forever” 

We only have a limited amount of time in our lives during which we setup our marriages and families. Marriages can obviously be started at any time, but if we wish for a family with children, the window of opportunity is much much shorter.

If you spend several years in a relationship that is almost turning into a marriage, then some more time recovering from the breakup, and some time to find the next plausible partner, a woman only has two or three shots at this life goal.

Missing those could be something that haunts you for life.

That is part of the reason why I took the girlfriend’s side in my initial reply in this topic. 

[Lauriebell82]

36 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I once heard the following statement:

“love waits, but not forever” 

We only have a limited amount of time in our lives during which we setup our marriages and families. Marriages can obviously be started at any time, but if we wish for a family with children, the window of opportunity is much much shorter.

If you spend several years in a relationship that is almost turning into a marriage, then some more time recovering from the breakup, and some time to find the next plausible partner, a woman only has two or three shots at this life goal.

Missing those could be something that haunts you for life.

That is part of the reason why I took the girlfriend’s side in my initial reply in this topic. 

This is correct. Unfortunately as you get older the pool of viable partners shrinks as well because most partners who are marriage worthy are already in long term relationships or married off. Healthy partners are better at maintaining marriages and long term relationships. So after a certain age whats left is the divorced people and those with baggage from previous relationships. 

Edited May 12, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[Lisa]

This thread has been closed because it's been continuing without the participation of the OP.  @Bensharp1 if you would like the thread reopened, please report it to us and we'll get right onto it. 

[justwhoiam]

Do I think someone can really do that? Sure. Because I definitely did. When it was clear to me that my boyfriend was an atheist and had no interest in ever getting married, I realized there was no future with him for me. The time came when we had to break it off. I knew deep down that was going nowhere. We exchanged one long last passionate kiss and we went our separate ways. Fast forward like 8 months afterwards or so, he convinced one of our mutual friends to talk to me into meeting up again as friends. I couldn't see a real reason why... I saw nothing good coming from it... but I was very young in my early 20s and I agreed to that. He was still very into me and was looking at me with those eyes... that only a man who was intimate with you can have. At that point, I knew a friendship was not possibile and that was the last time I met him.

He's still single to this day, no kids, at 52, while I have a family. I know he has a sad 9 to 6 job, and to counterbalance that he teaches a course in a gym in the evening like once a week. But guess what... with the pandemic and everything, gyms were closed for over a year.

This is for the men who are undecided. I never gave him any ultimatum though. I would have never asked. So for me a girl who's asking is pretty desperate. It won't last long, because her needs are not being met.