Am I just crazy?

[Tinks96]

Me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years we now have a 6 month old together to, I just feel so alone and tbh I do everything myself so I kinda feel like a single parent already, he does help sometime when I ask but sometimes when I ask his face just seems like it's a chore but it's his child to. He doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me when he is home he constantly on his phone watching videos texting friends etc, he goes out with his mates so much yet see no issue he goes to boxing group twice a week with friends he goes to play pool twice a week with his mates and then he goes to yoga with his friends in-between working, I don't get time to go out with my friends as I have to look after our daughter.He says he not the touchy feel type but when we first got together he cuddle up to me on couch watch films and we would have a right laugh but now it's just like there nothing there. He says he loves me but he just doesn't give me that affection that I need am I just been a crazy girlfriend I really don't no what to do I don't want to stick at it and just become really miserable but then I think am I ending a relationship over something stupid? 

[stillafool]

Is he planning to marry you?  If not, I would take the baby and move out.  It sounds like he'd rather spend time with others than with you.  Why don't you tell him today that you will need him to watch the baby Friday night because you're going out with your friends.  If you don't stand up for yourself he will continue to treat you like a servant.

[mark clemson]

Communicate with him your distress and expectation that there will be a relationship between the two of you. Be somewhat direct and also specific in what you want. Try to be firm, but also don't make it extremely unpleasant for him to play along (this can be a fine line). Right now he's having more fun out with his buddies than with you. Perhaps that can change? Or at least have more of a "balance"...

If communication doesn't work, insist on therapy. If none of that works or he's simply unwilling to put effort into making the relationship one that meets both of your needs reasonably well, you may have to face the reality that you are incompatible.

Is he getting what he wants out of the relationship? IF you have been ignoring him sexually (e.g. due to the kid) he may be feeling neglected and resentful. Not saying this is the case, but it's one possibility.

In an ideal world LTRs wouldn't require "work". However, we don't live in an ideal world.

[vla1120]

Have you had a discussion about this with him about how you are feeling? If so, and you're not seeing improvement, then I agree with @stillafool. Just make plans to go out, tell him he needs to stay home to take care of your child. If he refuses, you'll know where you stand.

 

[glows]

Has he always been like this? His absence speaks to some resentment about the baby. Was this an unplanned pregnancy?

Unfortunately not all men are cut out to be fathers and not all people are meant to be parents. Your baby deserves your love and care and a mother that is not stressed or worrying about a neglectful partner or parent. I'd be concerned about leaving her with him if he seems disconnected and disengaged as a father. I wouldn't leave the baby in his care. 

If you do need a break desperately this instant this week, organize child care with another parent. Where are your parents or the grandparents of your child? Do you have a close friend whom you trust who can care for your daughter? I'd use the time also to think about whether you are both on the same wavelength in terms of the relationship. Maybe it hasn't been this way for awhile and one of you thought a child might bring you closer. 

 

[Els]

Do you even trust him to look after the child, at this stage? Does he even care about her, does he show her that he loves her?

If you do, then set a schedule. He takes her 3 evenings a week, at the very least. No ifs, buts or hows. It's up to him how he'll schedule his time with his friends.

If you don't, then there isn't really any way to progress from here than to split up. It's unlikely he will even want to contest custody. So he can contribute to his child financially by paying mandated child support, and at least she won't have to grow up knowing that her father doesn't care about her.

Edited May 5, 2022 by Elswyth

[Tinks96]

He does love our child he plays with her and gives her attention but he just doesn't seem to want to really do anything as a family he rather go do things with his friends which leaves me thinking maybe he isn't enjoying time with me but I don't no how to make that better when I have spoken to him about how I feel but nothing seems to have changed I don't no if I'm just asking for to much to have a day as just us to go out and do things as a family i don't mind not having time to myself I just want him to want to spend quality time with me and our daughter? 

[Will am I]

19 hours ago, Tinks96 said:

He says he loves me but he just doesn't give me that affection that I need am I just been a crazy girlfriend I really don't no what to do I don't want to stick at it and just become really miserable but then I think am I ending a relationship over something stupid? 

My perspective (being in my 40s, maried and father of 2 children)

 

1. You are not crazy. You are a new mother and that is a heavy burdain on so many levels. 

2. You ask for affection, affirmation and support. These are normal things to ask from your life partner.

My opinion: your man is behaving like a teenager and just needs to man up. He needs to realize that he too got promoted into parenthood. For me it makes sense that he gets a night out with his friends if he likes that. But: it's only fair that you would get the same amount of time away from the baby.

Potentially painful question: can you trust him to care for your child for a few hours?

 

3. You consider ending the relationship if it doesn't change.

That is a big decision. It makes you a single parent, which is a completely different scenario than turning back the clock a couple of years and being single again. But if there is really no perspective on your partner (other half of your relationship) becoming a partner (person who partners with you in taking care of your family)... I think it's inevitable in the loong run.

 

 

[salparadise]

12 hours ago, Tinks96 said:

I have spoken to him about how I feel but nothing seems to have changed I don't no if I'm just asking for to much to have a day as just us to go out and do things as a family i don't mind not having time to myself I just want him to want to spend quality time with me and our daughter? 

It seems that he's just stuck in single guy mode and hasn't grasped that being a father and partner means shifting focus. So the question is, what will it take to get his attention in a way that results in change. First I'd try setting down for a scheduled, objective discussion –– not spontaneous, no nagging, moaning or emotional stuff –– a discussion of what exactly is needed (have a list) and the changes that need to be made. Explain that if he doesn't shift his focus things are going to go downhill. If you feel that you've already done this, then schedule time with a counselor (for the two of you) and see if that gets his attention. The steps to change are something like... hearing > awareness > accept responsibility > shift attention > change specific behaviors > reward change > break bad habits, make good habits. If he has the motivation this shouldn't be too hard, but if he resists then it's a whole different deal.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Tinks96 said:

 he rather go do things with his friends which leaves me thinking maybe he isn't enjoying time with me but I don't no how to make that better when I have spoken to him about how I feel but nothing seems to have changed

Sorry this is happening. Talking at someone never works. It's easy for him to keep tuning it out.

You need to take action and change things. Do you both work? Do you both do chores errands and take care of the home and your child?

From now on, only shop cook clean do laundry etc for yourself and your child.

Then he won't have the time you're making for him to play video games and go out with his friends.

Get out of the house more. Visit friends and family. Take some classes and courses. Make time for yourself. 

Nagging never helps.  Taking never changes things. Take action. Stop doing everything for him. Since you feel like a single parent already and he won't participate in family life, don't do anything for him. 

If he has to wear his underwear inside out for days or eat take out or deal with a sink full of dishes or sleep on the sofa that's ok. Take care of yourself and your child. That's your priority. You're babying him too much.

Edited May 6, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

Was the baby planned? 

[Tinks96]

We both really wanted a baby I got told I might not be able to become pregnant naturally because problems I have months went by nothing so we gave up and then I ended up pregnant so we did both want the baby just as much as each other really. 

[Will am I]

So the pregnacy was planned and wanted by the both of you. You were so blessed to get your baby girl then 

 

A story for perspective.

I remember so well the day that my wife gave birth to our daughter. I was 29 at the time. And I remember so well how I did the night feeding when she was a few months old. Maybe that's my clearest memory of those days. Sleepwalking into the kitchen around 3:15 am, preparing the bottle, sleepwalking to the baby's room, changing her and feeding her. I never felt I was missing much sleep over it because I seemed to be able to do the routine without really waking up. But despite the drowsy state in which I did those 3am bottles, the memories are so clear and so dear.

When I got home from work, I just wanted to be with our daughter so much. Similar feelings I had towards my wife when she was pregnant, like a biological force that drew me near.

I think a lot of young fathers relate to these feelings. 

 

If you compare this story to your situation, the contrast is painfully clear.

Somehow, something went wrong in your husband's bonding with your daughter. 

 

On top of that, going out with friends 3 or 4 nights a week is not what married men typically do. That's why my first response was that he should just "man up" and stop acting like an adolescent.

 

If you confront the behavior, you may find yourself in a fight where you're the "nagging wife" and he's the "man fighting to protect his freedom". Maybe dig into the subject bonding first. How is his bonding to you and how is his bonding to your daughter? Are you giving him enough opportinity to bond with her?

Ask him about his feelings. Ask him about his family when he was small. Maybe there is something blocking these feelings. But also look at your own role. If you're the "mommy does everything" type, you're taking away opportunities from your partner.