Why is she acting like this? I'm still stuck after 6 months.

[WorstOneEver]

Me [24M] and my ex-girlfriend [24F] have been seeing each other for 3 years. We met in college. First, we were friends, then we confess our feelings for each other. Our lifestyles were a bit incompatible, but we got over it in 3 years. She was lovely all the time at college, we were literally together 7/24 for 1 and a half years. We planned our wedding, our future house, the names of our kids, etc.

Then lockdown occurred and we couldn't date as much as past. Fast forward 6 months ago she broke up with me with I don't love you anymore. The only mistake I made was getting angry that she went out with her friends on the day I was going to propose and she didn't make time for me. We haven't seen each other for a long time because of work. I was jealous that she prioritized her friends for the time she could spend with me.

I wanted to give the space and time to the girl I love, cuz she wanted it, and I completely walked away from her life. I said she could reach me if she changed her mind. But she didn't for 5.5 months. After the breakup, she blocked me and my family from almost everywhere.

I caved in one morning after another dream that I tried to reach her but never reached. And this was the humiliation of my life... I said;

"Hey, I know you don't expect me to reach out to you but I feel like s*** lately. I don't want to bother you but only you can understand me." She answered;

"It's been 6 months. I can't help you anymore and you can't help me either. We are different people now and yes you are disturbing me."

I just said that it saddens me that the bond between us has become such bad.

Her last words were about me being her best boyfriend. And she thought that if she couldn't do it with me, she couldn't do it with anyone. During the breakup.

Then she called me. Another 40 minutes of humiliation, bad words, blaming me for everything. Mostly she thinks that I was a toxic person and even my love is toxic, our relationship was not a serious one and she is regretful for making me her boyfriend and much happier without me.

She didn't listen to me even for a couple of seconds. She said she didn't miss me for 6 months and never once thought of me. But I sensed that she was still angry at what she said and the repeated mentions of old mistakes.

The kind-hearted woman I knew was gone. Shee was replaced by someone I didn't know and who didn't know me at all and didn't value me.

I said that I had been waiting for her for months, that I thought we would realize our mistake and forgive each other.

Then she said " I don't care if you wait for me all your life. You will shame yourself. "

Everyone hates me right now, including herself and her family. I want to ask t: I am not a bad or toxic person. I am only human. It's just that as with any long relationship, I've made mistakes. But I don't deserve such humiliation.

I experienced the same things in her shoes when I was in high school, but I regretted it 6 months later.

Have you ever lost your feelings towards your partner with whom you have been in a long relationship, and thought that you made a mistake as a result of no contact for an indefinite period? Do you think this attitude of my ex-girlfriend will change one day and she will listen to me?

Edited May 5, 2022 by WorstOneEver

[glows]

She's being very clear with you that it's over. I think you'll have to be respectful of that and move on. 

Are you struggling with other areas of life? What do you think you can do to improve that on your own or do you think you need to see your doctor for advice on your health in general?

[WorstOneEver]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

She's being very clear with you that it's over. I think you'll have to be respectful of that and move on. 

Are you struggling with other areas of life? What do you think you can do to improve that on your own or do you think you need to see your doctor for advice on your health in general?

You're right. I respect her decision. But a part of me can't give up from the good memories we had. I tried getting counseling. It felt good for about 3-4 months. I've learned more about relationships than I've ever learned in my life. I did everything to improve myself and acquire new hobbies. I am now at peace with myself. Everything is going pretty well in my life except I miss her.

I just don't socialize as much as I should. In 6 months, I rejected maybe 3 or 4 people. I don't want to move on somewhere inside me. I feel like one day she will realize that it was a mistake to be apart and she will come back. But her behavior when I reached out to her made me very sad. I didn't do anything to deserve this. I used everything I had to be her best friend and best partner. But seems like I was never enough for her and it's tearing me apart.

[glows]

Firstly, I'm glad that things are going well for you and you're more engaged with your hobbies and things you like to do. It takes courage to step out and try a different routine.

I disagree and I don't see in her language anywhere that she will realize it is a mistake to be a part. The reason I say this is because she's strongly suggesting in her dialogue that she doesn't feel she owes you any help any longer. "Want" or don't "want" to move on are parts of you resisting the break up and feeling sad. It's ok to feel sad but it's not ok to keep clinging onto an idea that is unlikely and detrimental to your health. 

In reality break ups happen for a reason and you may not be acknowledging also that you had a hand to play in it. The way you reached out to her was incredibly disturbing as an ex is not obligated to help you if you feel badly. She's not a friend either as you haven't had contact and she doesn't want contact with you. It's inappropriate to be reaching out to her. If you can't see this you may not be recognizing either that you had a role to play in the break up. Don't live the rest of your life in denial.

Quote

"Hey, I know you don't expect me to reach out to you but I feel like s*** lately. I don't want to bother you but only you can understand me." She answered;

"It's been 6 months. I can't help you anymore and you can't help me either. We are different people now and yes you are disturbing me."

She had also said that the relationship was toxic, lending to possible scenarios where she felt that you both leaned too hard on one another and may have been codependent or far too enmeshed in each others' problems. There might have been a theme of "helping" here that eventually led to the downfall or break down of the relationship. 

If you are still needing help or assistance it might be better to seek that support from health care providers, not from your ex. From the sounds of things she is not coming back. If you keep repeating to yourself this false hope, you continue to live in this purgatory or limbo hoping for something that is not true or is unlikely to happen. Try to stick to the advice from your counsellors or therapists. Keep focusing on bettering yourself and avoid ruminations like this, keep busy.

[Stret]

Moving on, finding a new, even casual, partner is the way forward. Don't force yourself though - be sad and experience whatever it is that you need to experience to get over her. Don't contact her again, answer her messages, or pick up her phonecalls. She doesn't respect you as a person and there is nothing to look for in her. 

Not sure what you did that made her that resentful but whatever it is, the way she treated you is rather erratic. 

[flitzanu]

yep, unfortunately she's done.  she left you, she blocked you, and hasn't communicated with you in 6 months, and while you see it as mean and rude, she was polite enough to respond to you and tell you that you need to stop contacting her and move on.  

it sucks dude, we've all been there, but she isn't doing anything that suggests she wants to fix this.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, WorstOneEver said:

 Our lifestyles were a bit incompatible, but we got over it in 3 years. I made was getting angry that she went out with her friends on the day I was going to propose and she didn't make time for me. We haven't seen each other for a long time because of work

Sorry this happened. What were the incompatibilities? Not seeing each other for long periods adds to that strain. Try to let it go. It sounds like she met someone.

[WorstOneEver]

2 hours ago, Stret said:

Moving on, finding a new, even casual, partner is the way forward. Don't force yourself though - be sad and experience whatever it is that you need to experience to get over her. Don't contact her again, answer her messages, or pick up her phonecalls. She doesn't respect you as a person and there is nothing to look for in her. 

Not sure what you did that made her that resentful but whatever it is, the way she treated you is rather erratic. 

She didn't initiate to contact me even for once for these months. It looks like I have no choice but to move forward. 

I think I will do as you said. I didn't do anything to cause this to happen. I don't want to think she is a narcissist. However she diagnosed herself as narcissistic as a licensed psychologist. But for 3 years, I saw the sweetest side of her. I just can't handle that her current personality. I think she considered leaving for a few months before BU and typically let her support system and agendas take a toll on her. We could have worked out everything if we talked, but I think she demonizing me without giving me any clue. Thank you for your support.

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

yep, unfortunately she's done.  she left you, she blocked you, and hasn't communicated with you in 6 months, and while you see it as mean and rude, she was polite enough to respond to you and tell you that you need to stop contacting her and move on.  

it sucks dude, we've all been there, but she isn't doing anything that suggests she wants to fix this.

I had a long-term relationship in high school. Our families were sure we would get married. I personally experienced the patterns of my current ex-girlfriend. There was someone in her life when I regretted it 6 months later and wanted to meet her. I didn't let my intrusive thoughts take over me in this relationship. And when I was thinking of breaking up and falling out of love, I talked to my ex-girlfriend and we got through it together. I think I've matured to be in a healthy relationship and I'm happy to be the person I am now. But Baam! She is accuses me of being toxic ＼| ￣ヘ￣|／

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What were the incompatibilities? Not seeing each other for long periods adds to that strain. Try to let it go. It sounds like she met someone.

Our biggest incompatibilities was our religious and politic beliefs. I was raised not to worship. My girlfriend didn't live by its rule either, but she thought I should worship. Our families were different, but I am not a family attached person. When she thought our families can't get along; I said that I am a free minded person enough to leave my family and live close to her family if she will be happy. When she was leaving, she was talking about the sin of not being attached to the Family Lol. Actually, it would be wrong to say that we haven't seen each other for a long time. We spent the longest a month without dating. And we did this to see our limits with a mutual decision. For nearly two years of the relationship, we just didn't date outside. Since my family was sick and she lived with elderly family members, we would meet at home every week and we used to meet outside once a month.

 

Se was the one trying to get me at first. She was the one who wanted to calm me down when I couldn't stand the relationship. Even when she was too busy to meet, she would come to my house for 10 minutes and surprise me. Until a week before she left me via text, she said me that "I always review the pros and cons of my relationships. Even though you have the cons, the pros are 10 times greater. I'm lucky to have you" 

That's why she's accusing me now of not taking her out during the pandemic. According to her, there was 20 km between us, but we were having a phone relationship and that was my normal. But she didn't let me tell her that she was wrong and it was a seasonal thing . Anyway, if she's met someone and she thinks he is better than me "now", it won't take long because I know how picky she was and the reason she broke up in previous relationships was, for example, the way them put the glass on the table. If my ex-girlfriend didn't lower her standards. Even with my old self, I'm her best choice.

I do not want to say that there are billions of people in the world, plenty fish in the sea. But I'm pretty sure she won't find her soul mate in 10 years. You get to know someone you've been with for 3 years, down to their blood values Lol.

 

Oh guys.. After writing so much, I realized that I really need that venting. I hate that men doesn't have a proper support system. I was much worse in the first weeks of BU, so my old friends cut off communication with me because they thought men have to deal with it on their own... I'm really so grateful for that to you guys.

Edited May 5, 2022 by WorstOneEver

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, WorstOneEver said:

She is accuses me of being toxic ＼| ￣ヘ￣|／

Our biggest incompatibilities was our religious and politic beliefs. I was raised not to worship. My girlfriend didn't live by its rule either, but she thought I should worship. Our families were different, but I am not a family attached person. When she thought our families can't get along; I said that I am a free minded person enough to leave my family and live close to her family if she will be happy. When she was leaving, she was talking about the sin of not being attached to the Family 

You're completely incompatible. It's better if you are both free to find more like-minded people.¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Edited May 5, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

20 minutes ago, WorstOneEver said:

I didn't do anything to cause this to happen.

She was the one who wanted to calm me down when I couldn't stand the relationship.

How can you say you did nothing wrong at the top there and then in the middle also write that she had to calm you down when you couldn't stand the relationship? This was a very tumultuous and indeed toxic relationship. It doesn't sound like you got along with one another even though she helped you believe she liked you at one point. It seems she came to her senses eventually and realized that neither of you were compatible and she didn't want to stay.

She told you she's doing better now so take it at face value and respect her wishes that she doesn't want to speak with you and likely doesn't miss you. Reaching out to her again will hurt you again and throw you off as it is now. 

[WorstOneEver]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

How can you say you did nothing wrong at the top there and then in the middle also write that she had to calm you down when you couldn't stand the relationship? This was a very tumultuous and indeed toxic relationship. It doesn't sound like you got along with one another even though she helped you believe she liked you at one point. It seems she came to her senses eventually and realized that neither of you were compatible and she didn't want to stay.

She told you she's doing better now so take it at face value and respect her wishes that she doesn't want to speak with you and likely doesn't miss you. Reaching out to her again will hurt you again and throw you off as it is now. 

 

What I meant by "couldn't stand" was not such a big deal. Everyone questions that at some point in the relationship will they spend their life with current person. When I confessed these thoughts to my ex-girlfriend, she reminded me again why we are good for each other. That's what I meant.

 

I made a mistake by texting her 6 months after BU. I don't think I will ever contact her again. Now I know the consequences of reaching out. I love myself enough to not give power to anyone else to be humiliated.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think she is going to come back, no. 

For whatever reason, she sounds incredibly resentful and doesn't wish to communicate with you. All you can do is accept that this is over for her, and has been for a while now. 

9 hours ago, WorstOneEver said:

But I'm pretty sure she won't find her soul mate in 10 years. You get to know someone you've been with for 3 years, down to their blood values Lol.

Honestly, I wouldn't place much weight on this notion. Yes, we get to know people after a few years together, but it's not that unusual to find others that we click with - and sometimes even more so than the previous partner. That goes for you too, by the way. 

[mark clemson]

Hmmm.  If you are not "toxic" and she is labeling and berating you as "toxic" then she is actually the toxic one and seems to venting a lot of insecurities on you. You are tolerating it simply because you're so hung up on her.

Sometimes people become very negative towards the person they used to care about after a breakup. There can different reasons for this, but often it is a psychological defense mechanism - because you are now "bad" the break up feels less painful to them. You unwittingly opened yourself up to this by contacting her.

Realize she is no longer willing (and possibly even capable of) being the good partner you remember. Accept this reality, process your feelings for what you had (not for what she actually is now) and move on. Breakup blues are tough, but you have a LONG road ahead of you in life, and if you move on successfully this will one day just be a distant memory, just like any prior GFs you had.

 

On 5/5/2022 at 8:53 AM, WorstOneEver said:

The kind-hearted woman I knew was gone. Shee was replaced by someone I didn't know and who didn't know me at all and didn't value me.

 

Exactly. These things happen sometimes.