Girlfriend dumped me after 4 years

[Freddie We]

My girlfriend dumped me after 4 years a month or so ago.

we had a great relationship for the majority of the time, although for the past year or so, any struggles we have had, have revolved around my struggles in work (not enjoying it/too many hours/unsure on future goals). It did impact our relationship at times but we still had a healthy and happy relationship on the whole and were moving at a speed we both enjoyed! 

I took a promotion in my old company last November as I didn’t have other options but sadly it ruined me. The hours were ridiculous, I hated the stress but felt such pressure to perform and it further pressured our relationship. I knew I needed to get out and I knew I’d be the better person and boyfriend for it. She agreed and I got a new job (despite all the stress!) and began therapy and working on myself.

she dumped me the week before I started the new job. We had been due to move in at the end of summer and she’d been planning for this and holidays/trips with families/festivals/seeing me more than even I wanted… for the months and weeks and days leading up to this break up….

she’s suggested she had checked out and feelings/spark had gone. I agreed short term that that was definitely the case ( I wasn’t able to action all the things I wanted to put right) but I just wanted her to believe in the long term version of me. She’s been so cold and distant in the break up but my love for her is unconditional so I’m still hoping for a future version of us. I was really strong in seeing my issues and trying to work on them.  It felt bad timing. she’s never had a relationship before and it’s a year younger (living with people even younger) and I think she’s seeing this negative place I was in, as just who I am - rather than an adult who is going through a struggle. She also started to scrape back over really old disagreements to confirm her decision wasn’t just based on the extreme situation in the months since I took the promotion and it really hurt.

we’ve given our things back now and it’s officially over, and I know for now I need to work on me. But I want her to figure out what we had and realise she needs to take the rough with the smooth sometimes. We had such a special relationship and all of our close family and friends can’t believe it’s happened. I know it’s between us two, but we’re such a good fit.

 Is she ever coming back? I doubt it… but I really hope for our future that we can find ourselves together again. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Freddie We said:

We had been due to move in at the end of summer. she’s suggested she had checked out and feelings/spark had gone.

Sorry this happened. How old is she? It seems moving in together was approaching and she was not on board with this deep down.

Besides work stress, what else was going on? Most people can weather stress together and work/schedule situations.

[glows]

A partner who is going to take a risk losing you permanently is someone you may be better without. I think she knew what she was willing to lose and felt it was in her best interests to leave the relationship. Those personal reasons need to be respected. 

You may feel like she's immature or too young or doesn't know any better but resist that as you're only assuming that you know her situation better than she knows herself. That's assuming that you feel you know better than her about what she wants or doesn't want in her life. 

She may have seen other aspects about you that she doesn't agree with or her family or friends have disagreed with certain things about you. She did you both a favour by ending it rather than dragging out something that may have ended much later either way. You seem to think that it was your employment situation but it may have been a host of other issues also. 

I'd let the dust settle and give yourself more time to recoup and heal after the break up. Things may become clearer. 

 

[Freddie We]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How old is she? It seems moving in together was approaching and she was not on board with this deep down.

Besides work stress, what else was going on? Most people can weather stress together and work/schedule situations.

She just turned 25. But she was pushing to move in. Asking to go on holiday with her family. Seeking to spend time with me when I wasn’t with her.

Sometimes I couldn’t give her more of my time or my emotions, but I had so much love for her and gave her so much already. So many people close to her said how lovely and amazing I was to her. They all know I’m a good guy. I always wanted to give her the best. But the issues always stemmed from me not having the physical or mental availability. Which was because of my job.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Freddie We said:

.  me not having the physical or mental availability. 

Sounds like she may have simply given up because you chose to shut her out .

You can't use work as an excuse forever. People with high stress jobs, 2 jobs, long hours, shift jobs, etc. have success relationships all the time.

If you are depressed stressed and withdrawn, see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

[Happy Lemming]

17 hours ago, Freddie We said:

 but I really hope for our future that we can find ourselves together again. 

 

Why would you want to do that??  This woman has showed her true colors.  When times get tough, she is going to leave...

Every single human being out there has struggled with work issues at some point in their lives.  We've all had jobs that forced us to work long hours or come in on weekends or whatever.  In life, sometimes you have to acquiesce to our employer's demands because you need that paycheck.  I know I have!!

What a good woman does is weather the storm with you, while you get through the tough times at a job or until you secure a new and better job.  This woman had no desire to do that...

If you guys had only been dating 4 months, I could understand her actions... but you had been dating 4 years and had future plans.  Nope, you are much better off without her --  Good riddance!!

[Freddie We]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like she may have simply given up because you chose to shut her out .

You can't use work as an excuse forever. People with high stress jobs, 2 jobs, long hours, shift jobs, etc. have success relationships all the time.

If you are depressed stressed and withdrawn, see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

I didn’t chose to, I still made time for her just not enough at the time. I was unfortunately in a really bad way, work made me mentally ill. I was super anxious and drained and I was spiralling. But I was changing job, seeking help and doing everything possible to get out of the rut. Unfortunately shes come to a conclusion about me based on the recent events, and pushed herself to look at a negative past…. When I know had I never taken the initial promotion it would have worked out differently.

I’m busy working SO HARD to improve myself, but I feel she needs to do this too. I can’t see beyond us being soul mates unfortunately. I know it’s unlikely to happen Now.

 

[Freddie We]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Why would you want to do that??  This woman has showed her true colors.  When times get tough, she is going to leave...

Every single human being out there has struggled with work issues at some point in their lives.  We've all had jobs that forced us to work long hours or come in on weekends or whatever.  In life, sometimes you have to acquiesce to our employer's demands because you need that paycheck.  I know I have!!

What a good woman does is weather the storm with you, while you get through the tough times at a job or until you secure a new and better job.  This woman had no desire to do that...

If you guys had only been dating 4 months, I could understand her actions... but you had been dating 4 years and had future plans.  Nope, you are much better off without her --  Good riddance!!

Well she suggested it was a much longer time period but I know they were lower level worries and concerns about my career (I’d suggest these are normal in yours 20s!!) and it only became exacerbated when the new role became too much. She was telling her friends about moving in with me and was planning things without me pushing. I know plenty of people try convincing themselves if it’s not going to plan but so many of her actions contradict.

I know you don’t know her but it’s so hard when I can see what we had and so many others saw how great it was too. I wish so much that she had experienced a relationship before me and perhaps consulted her closest friends more before deciding this was the best route.

one day I hope we can meet again and see what happens

 

[glows]

She was rehashing old disagreements when she broke up with you. What were these disagreements about? 

 

[Freddie We]

Just now, glows said:

She was rehashing old disagreements when she broke up with you. What were these disagreements about? 

 

We struggled during covid when I was demotivated but really really busy at work. She expected me to change my work schedule around her every day because we were under each other’s feet (working from home every day). Unfortunately my job didn’t allow for complete flexibility like she had. I don’t disagree sometimes I should have just closed the laptop. I concede the balance is so important. 
 

This argument along with others always seemed to revolve around me not being able to be 100% available all of the time. I know I could be better sometimes. We all can be.

im just so incredibly gutted because that work environment, the person I was during working from home …. Isn’t the person I want to be, nor the person I believe I truly am. I know it dragged on but I’m changing and we’ve been together long enough to see that that’s not me. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Freddie We said:

 we were under each other’s feet (working from home every day).

How long were you living together? Being cramped and stuffed together like that can cause stress and irritation to increase. So it wasn't 'too much work" is was too much togetherness to the point of saturation.

Either way, address you physical and mental health. Did she move out? Were either of you looking for more in the relationship than just living together such as marriage/family?

[Freddie We]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you living together? Being cramped and stuffed together like that can cause stress and irritation to increase. So it wasn't 'too much work" is was too much togetherness to the point of saturation.

Either way, address you physical and mental health. Did she move out? Were either of you looking for more in the relationship than just living together such as marriage/family?

Yeah sometimes it was cramped… but it was 10 people living in a flat during covid when we literally couldn’t get out. It wasn’t normal life. We weren’t living together permanently it was just during lockdown. We’ve properly broken up now and I know I need to work on me anyway. I just believe if she can work through her self and being single or dating someone else. I can work on me… I believe we will find the path to being together again. We were only looking to move together late this summer (she was pushing this !)

[WorstOneEver]

20 hours ago, Freddie We said:

She just turned 25. But she was pushing to move in. Asking to go on holiday with her family. Seeking to spend time with me when I wasn’t with her.

Sometimes I couldn’t give her more of my time or my emotions, but I had so much love for her and gave her so much already. So many people close to her said how lovely and amazing I was to her. They all know I’m a good guy. I always wanted to give her the best. But the issues always stemmed from me not having the physical or mental availability. Which was because of my job.

 

 

 

 

I can't tell you how similar it is to my situation with my current ex-girlfriend. I read something like an article the other day. I think they had thoughts about leaving for a long time. Instead of telling us without complicating things, they tried to solve the problem with the people around them or among themselves. However, this makes the situation worse. They thought "How can I feel this way towards my bf of 4 years?" . So they immediately decided to get married or live together. Like it would solve their second thoughts.

But nothing can solve this situation except a healthy communication on time. Unfortunately not now. Cuz they already demonized us in their mind. And if you will try to change this. They think you will manipulate them. I can only suggest you to not reach out. I made that mistake. You sholdn't..

Edited May 6, 2022 by WorstOneEver

[glows]

1 hour ago, Freddie We said:

We struggled during covid when I was demotivated but really really busy at work. She expected me to change my work schedule around her every day because we were under each other’s feet (working from home every day). Unfortunately my job didn’t allow for complete flexibility like she had. I don’t disagree sometimes I should have just closed the laptop. I concede the balance is so important. 
 

This argument along with others always seemed to revolve around me not being able to be 100% available all of the time. I know I could be better sometimes. We all can be.

im just so incredibly gutted because that work environment, the person I was during working from home …. Isn’t the person I want to be, nor the person I believe I truly am. I know it dragged on but I’m changing and we’ve been together long enough to see that that’s not me. 

I'm sorry to hear this as I think there's sincere regret on your part for not maintaining a healthy work/life balance. We date to see who we're with and to determine whether we'd like to keep seeing that person. Unfortunately this means not taking our partners forgranted and knowing how to juggle life and work together. She saw you for you and you saw her for her but you're also denying yourself the knowledge that she left for good reason. 

It's best to put getting back together out of your mind and focus on moving forward.

On the idea of "soulmates" I'd revisit this and see whether it's helpful or relevant in the larger scheme. If you keep telling yourself that you are meant to be together when clearly you are not, you're living in denial or continuing to tell yourself you're entitled to living a different reality involving someone else when that person has made it clear they wish not to be with you.

[Freddie We]

27 minutes ago, WorstOneEver said:

I can't tell you how similar it is to my situation with my current ex-girlfriend. I read something like an article the other day. I think they had thoughts about leaving for a long time. Instead of telling us without complicating things, they tried to solve the problem with the people around them or among themselves. However, this makes the situation worse. They thought "How can I feel this way towards my bf of 4 years?" . So they immediately decided to get married or live together. Like it would solve their second thoughts.

But nothing can solve this situation except a healthy communication on time. Unfortunately not now. Cuz they already demonized us in their mind. And if you will try to change this. They think you will manipulate them. I can only suggest you to not reach out. I made that mistake. You sholdn't..

Thank you for sharing. Yes unfortunately she’s built an image of me that’s so much worse than the truth and I know to a certain extent one has to do that move on from someone. What I want to do is have the opportunity to show her im not that person. I’d also like her to be with someone who isn’t as good as me. Im not sure how healthy it all is, but I feel I’ve been left to believe im just dreadful and can’t ever change (I’ve already been working on myself so much… for me!)

[Freddie We]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm sorry to hear this as I think there's sincere regret on your part for not maintaining a healthy work/life balance. We date to see who we're with and to determine whether we'd like to keep seeing that person. Unfortunately this means not taking our partners forgranted and knowing how to juggle life and work together. She saw you for you and you saw her for her but you're also denying yourself the knowledge that she left for good reason. 

It's best to put getting back together out of your mind and focus on moving forward.

On the idea of "soulmates" I'd revisit this and see whether it's helpful or relevant in the larger scheme. If you keep telling yourself that you are meant to be together when clearly you are not, you're living in denial or continuing to tell yourself you're entitled to living a different reality involving someone else when that person has made it clear they wish not to be with you.

Haha please don’t hold back! Bloody hell 

I’m not denying it at all. I said I understand short term why she felt so bad about it. But I know full well that my mental health doesn’t and will not be a permanent state. I’m not always like this and I’m hurt that this situation revealed how much she could or could not cope (with a partner she loved).

 I know it’s unlikely to be fixed, just maybe come in a little warmer with your input next time out haha

[glows]

Just now, Freddie We said:

Haha please don’t hold back! Bloody hell 

I’m not denying it at all. I said I understand short term why she felt so bad about it. But I know full well that my mental health doesn’t and will not be a permanent state. I’m not always like this and I’m hurt that this situation revealed how much she could or could not cope (with a partner she loved).

 I know it’s unlikely to be fixed, just maybe come in a little warmer with your input next time out haha

This is me warm. The more truthful you are with yourself about your situation the quicker you'll be able to heal and move forward. Try not to hang on to the idea of her coming back. 

[WorstOneEver]

6 minutes ago, Freddie We said:

 What I want to do is have the opportunity to show her im not that person. I’d also like her to be with someone who isn’t as good as me.

Exactly same...

[Freddie We]

Just now, glows said:

This is me warm. The more truthful you are with yourself about your situation the quicker you'll be able to heal and move forward. Try not to hang on to the idea of her coming back. 

I’m healing. I know I have to better myself anyway. That was the plan when she was still around. I’m working on me…. I just can’t completely close a door when I know how much love for the happy and healthy version of me there was. We’re quite young still I guess and I hope our paths meet again

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Freddie We said:

I’m healing. I know I have to better myself anyway. That was the plan when she was still around. I’m working on me…. I just can’t completely close a door when I know how much love for the happy and healthy version of me there was. We’re quite young still I guess and I hope our paths meet again

Give yourself more time and stay focused on what you need to do for yourself. 

[Freddie We]

Just now, glows said:

Give yourself more time and stay focused on what you need to do for yourself. 

I will, thank you. I know you have to let go before anything ever happens in the future (with anyone) so that has to be my focus. I’m just really struggling at the idea it was all my fault when I gave her so so much and was just really really struggling with my job

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Freddie We said:

I will, thank you. I know you have to let go before anything ever happens in the future (with anyone) so that has to be my focus. I’m just really struggling at the idea it was all my fault when I gave her so so much and was just really really struggling with my job

That apportioning of fault or taking all of the blame is what will also cause you to try to keep controlling the situation because you take full responsibility of the fall out and think that you have all the responsibility of putting it back together. 

It takes two.

[SingFish]

22 hours ago, Freddie We said:

But I want her to figure out what we had and realise she needs to take the rough with the smooth sometimes.

You can't make someone else do that, even though you are correct, life won't always go smoothly. 

 

[Els]

22 hours ago, Freddie We said:

we had a great relationship for the majority of the time, although for the past year or so, any struggles we have had, have revolved around my struggles in work (not enjoying it/too many hours/unsure on future goals). It did impact our relationship at times but we still had a healthy and happy relationship on the whole and were moving at a speed we both enjoyed! 

I think that, based on her actions as you described them, there might be quite a discrepancy between your perception of how "great" and "enjoyable" the majority of your relationship was, and her perception of it. Covid was tough on a lot of couples. And when you're not married and have no other commitments together, it's not necessarily fair to expect her to take "the rough with the smooth" - especially when "the rough" was at the very least several months in duration (by your estimate) and possibly more (by her estimate).

Considering that she's only 25, perhaps it's possible that you two have just grown apart? There is a lot of change that happens in someone's life between 21 and 25.

[Freddie We]

21 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

I think that, based on her actions as you described them, there might be quite a discrepancy between your perception of how "great" and "enjoyable" the majority of your relationship was, and her perception of it. Covid was tough on a lot of couples. And when you're not married and have no other commitments together, it's not necessarily fair to expect her to take "the rough with the smooth" - especially when "the rough" was at the very least several months in duration (by your estimate) and possibly more (by her estimate).

Considering that she's only 25, perhaps it's possible that you two have just grown apart? There is a lot of change that happens in someone's life between 21 and 25.

Haha I’m certainly not getting any comfort from any of these replies !! I understand we’ve had our challenges and I know people change but we had great times. She wouldn’t have stayed with me for so long if she thought otherwise. 
 

so if you love someone you shouldn’t take the rough with the smooth?

this is brutal