NC Definition, what did you do?

[throwaway678]

Hi LS - wanted to ask something. What do you define as NC? I have just ended an affair and want to work through my marriage. This is my first, last and only affair. I have stopped speaking to AP. We were never connected via social media, facebook and never worked together. I assume NC is blocking and not just ignoring?

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, throwaway678 said:

We were never connected via social media, facebook and never worked together. I assume NC is blocking and not just ignoring?

Delete and block her from ALL your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices. However you probably have her contact info memorized, so it depends o how and why you plan to save your marriage.

[throwaway678]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block her from ALL your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices. However you probably have her contact info memorized, so it depends o how and why you plan to save your marriage.

I don't have her contact details memorized. Anything less than deleting and blocking is open to it restarting

[glows]

Did you tell her the affair was over? What are the chances she will tell your wife? 

No contact means not having any contact or communication. 

[throwaway678]

Just now, glows said:

Did you tell her the affair was over? What are the chances she will tell your wife? 

No contact means not having any contact or communication. 

Slim - why do you ask that? do you think blocking her would anger her? but then not blocking her is a waste of time

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, throwaway678 said:

do you think blocking her would anger her?

If you are concerned about this you're not working on your marriage. 

Is this what you mean by "anger her"?:

 

Edited May 6, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed accidental link to another thread

[glows]

1 minute ago, throwaway678 said:

Slim - why do you ask that? do you think blocking her would anger her? but then not blocking her is a waste of time

When you block someone without explanation, chances are you will create confusion. How did the affair end and is she aware that you have no intention of continuing the affair? 

Blocking is a last resort between one or two parties who have very little self control or respect for one another. Ie. one person continues to keep contacting another because they don't understand or can't respect that the other doesn't want to continue a relationship. 

 

[throwaway678]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

When you block someone without explanation, chances are you will create confusion. How did the affair end and is she aware that you have no intention of continuing the affair? 

Blocking is a last resort between one or two parties who have very little self control or respect for one another. Ie. one person continues to keep contacting another because they don't understand or can't respect that the other doesn't want to continue a relationship. 

 

I don't want to create confusion, I just want to move past this. I won't reach out to her again so therefor deleting should be enough?

[smackie9]

Does your wife know? You worried to anger the OW that she will tell your wife about the affair? 

[throwaway678]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Does your wife know? You worried to anger the OW that she will tell your wife about the affair? 

sorry, i'm lost. What would asking about NC got to do with angering the ow? I have looked on these forums about after the affair and actions that would be taken: 99.9% say NC. I wanted to ask what NC entailed.

[smackie9]

12 minutes ago, throwaway678 said:

sorry, i'm lost. What would asking about NC got to do with angering the ow? I have looked on these forums about after the affair and actions that would be taken: 99.9% say NC. I wanted to ask what NC entailed.

You asked in your other post "would it anger her if you completely blocked her" ..no? So I'm trying to understand why you asked that. Hence asking if you were worried about the AP would confront your wife. NC can mean different things to different people and depending on how each individual wants to handle it. I'm assuming you want clarification on the proper steps to go forward with this. I'm not judging you in anyway here. 

No contact is not contacting that person and having no further communication with then...some take it a step further and completely block/delete all contact info/social media. Some go even to "erase" and dispose delete photos, emails, toss out gifts, cards, etc. And IMO who cares what the other woman or man thinks, because this is about saving your marriage. 

Edited May 6, 2022 by smackie9

[throwaway678]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You asked in your other post "would it anger her if you completely blocked her" ..no? So I'm trying to understand why you asked that. Hence asking if you were worried about the AP would confront your wife. NC can mean different things to different people and depending on how each individual wants to handle it. I'm assuming you want clarification on the proper steps to go forward with this. I'm not judging you in anyway here. 

No contact is not contacting that person and having no further communication with then...some take it a step further and completely block/delete all contact info/social media. Some go even to "erase" and dispose delete photos, emails, toss out gifts, cards, etc. And IMO who cares what the other woman or man thinks, because this is about saving your marriage. 

I have deleted her number and email address

[Bittersweetie]

I would add that NC also includes not googling an AP or looking for info on him/her online or on social media. I was not in contact with xMM (no email, texting, phone, meetups) but I was still stalking him a bit online and whenever I learned something new I'd get an adrenaline hit. So I wasn't fully NC. I never blocked xMM but we had a sort of ending when I asked him to not contact me again. That worked for me, but I could see if someone keeps reaching out, blocking would be useful.

[glows]

1 hour ago, throwaway678 said:

I don't want to create confusion, I just want to move past this. I won't reach out to her again so therefor deleting should be enough?

If you are the only one initiating contact for sex, sexting, communication or flirting, then deleting should be sufficient. 

Deleting a contact doesn't prevent that same person/number from contacting you to initiate for sex/communication. You would have to block that person.

Without knowing the details of your affair or what you did to end it, I'm assuming you are trying to avoid her from now on and avoid any communication. I can't suggest that that's the best way to handle a situation. You basically started something and now want to avoid and pretend it never happened under the premise of saving your marriage but it could backfire. That may have the potential to anger someone or cause confusion.

If you think this is not likely then forget about this and consider the deleted number enough to prevent you from contacting her again. If you haven't blocked her then she may contact you. It's better to have a mutual understanding.

 

[throwaway678]

1 minute ago, glows said:

If you are the only one initiating contact for sex, sexting, communication or flirting, then deleting should be sufficient. 

Deleting a contact doesn't prevent that same person/number from contacting you to initiate for sex/communication. You would have to block that person.

Without knowing the details of your affair or what you did to end it, I'm assuming you are trying to avoid her from now on and avoid any communication. I can't suggest that that's the best way to handle a situation. You basically started something and now want to avoid and pretend it never happened under the premise of saving your marriage but it could backfire. That may have the potential to anger someone or cause confusion.

If you think this is not likely then forget about this and consider the deleted number enough to prevent you from contacting her again. If you haven't blocked her then she may contact you. It's better to have a mutual understanding.

 

I am trying to avoid any communication as it was a mistake and it is over. I was just getting confused with the conflicting information in some threads so decided to make my own. So for example some block. some delete. some do both. and some dont do anything and keep them as fb friends/contact details which i reeeealllllly dont understand

[glows]

2 minutes ago, throwaway678 said:

I am trying to avoid any communication as it was a mistake and it is over. I was just getting confused with the conflicting information in some threads so decided to make my own. So for example some block. some delete. some do both. and some dont do anything and keep them as fb friends/contact details which i reeeealllllly dont understand

The point is to have NO communication with this person or window into each others' lives if you're wanting no contact. How you get there is varied. Use your common sense about what's required and do what you need to do to remove her from your life. 

If she's not contacting you at all or doesn't want to have anything to do with you (it's over on her part), all the above isn't even necessary. Work on your marriage.

[throwaway678]

1 minute ago, glows said:

The point is to have NO communication with this person or window into each others' lives if you're wanting no contact. How you get there is varied. Use your common sense about what's required and do what you need to do to remove her from your life. 

If she's not contacting you at all or doesn't want to have anything to do with you (it's over on her part), all the above isn't even necessary. Work on your marriage.

There hasn't been any. Phone Number and email address was our method of contact. She has not reached out to me. Again, just struggling with all the conflicting information. One thread says block, delete work on marriage as anything LESS is still keeping the affair going in some way.

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, throwaway678 said:

There hasn't been any. Phone Number and email address was our method of contact. She has not reached out to me. Again, just struggling with all the conflicting information. One thread says block, delete work on marriage as anything LESS is still keeping the affair going in some way.

You don't need to struggle with anything. Like I said, everyone is different. You do what you think is best in YOUR situation. If it works for you, then that's great. No need to worry. 

[spiritedaway2003]

There is something about your post that strikes me that you are a BS who keeps asking if your spouse keeps the ow’s number and does it mean anything? 

1. First, am sorry that your spouse betrayed your trust and that you are struggling.  I am sorry that he hadn’t reassured you after you confronted him about his affair, especially since you have a young child. 

2.  I would gently advise you to seek professional help with a therapist to understand your obsession and fixation with his keeping the number.  You can ask the question in so many ways or as different persona (in this case as him) and the answers will remain the same:

there’s no reason for him to keep it, if it’s over. though he could. 

there’s no reason for you to care (if you trust him).   The real answers are that you don’t so you keep spiraling to the importance of keeping the number itself (perhaps as a relief if he chose me, but why keep the number?)  He could delete the number and write it on a piece of paper or memorize it.  It makes no difference. 
 

3.  the problem here is that you want to exert control over him where you don’t- whether he keeps the number or not.  His keeping the number or not isn’t the issue and I hope you reach out for some professional help.  There is a power imbalance here where you are somehow more afraid to lose him than the other way around.  There is an element of control.  You cannot control others only yourself. 

4. The only thing you have control is whether you want to stay in the relationship or leave.  If you feel like he isn’t doing enough, you could leave. Don’t waste time worrying about a number..  You will never find peace that way.  

Let go of how you think things should be and instead see things as they are.  If he’s going to fight you over keeping a number that is no longer consequential, reconciliation is not working.

I hope you find peace. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

I would gently advise you to seek professional help with a therapist to understand your obsession and fixation with his keeping the number.  You can ask the question in so many ways or as different persona (in this case as him) and the answers will remain the same

Agree. Talk to your therapist about the state of your marriage and your fears about this ow.

[Lisa]

Thread is closed as question has been answered.