midwestisbest56 Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 So I recently had a really great date with this woman and had a great time. We had similar interests and likes and while I did find her attractive the only thing that stood out was that she was a lot bigger than most of her pictures seemed to show. Now I get that we're coming out of a pandemic so obviously some people have gained a bit and might not have very recent pictures or might feel insecure about it. While there were a few recent photos, most of them seemed to be either 2 years or before the pandemic. I'm also not opposed to dating someone who is bigger. I've gone on a number of dates with people with varyting body sizes. It just kind of struck me since it was a very large gain between when the photos were taken and now. While I do like her and am looking forward to our second date coming up this weekend I kind of feel a bit weird due to this fact and for whatever reason feel anxious now. Should I bring it up with her and how would I do it in a way so that it doesn't come off as condescending/insulting and portrays that I still am interested in them. I think. Kind of conflicted I guess
Alvi Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 (edited) 19 minutes ago, midwestisbest56 said: Should I bring it up with her and how would I do it in a way so that it doesn't come off as condescending/insulting and portrays that I still am interested in them. I I have to ask why you want to bring this up? You had a good date, you found her to be attractive. So why? If you like her enough and want to see her again, then let it go. There is no way to make it any less condescending or insulting, no matter what you say. You have to understand, that for some women weight fluctuates. Quite possible her pics were taken only a month or so before. Unless you feel like she purposely tried to lie or to mislead you, don't mention it. You want to see her again, right? Or did I get that wrong. If you are not planning on asking her out ever again, yes, you can mention that her pics don't appear to be most recent ones and let it be. Edited May 6, 2022 by Alvi 8
PotatoHead Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 There is absolutely no good way to mention this to her, just leave it be. If at some point you stop seeing her, then it might be helpful to point out that she may have better success in the future by uploading more recent photos. Otherwise she could end up having some very bad first dates. 2
Author midwestisbest56 Posted May 6, 2022 Author Posted May 6, 2022 I guess I'm not really bothered by the weight but the fact that I felt like I got baited which I recognize is probably not the case. It's just that for whatever reason I've started fixating on that point the last couple days.
introverted1 Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 4 minutes ago, midwestisbest56 said: I guess I'm not really bothered by the weight but the fact that I felt like I got baited which I recognize is probably not the case. It's just that for whatever reason I've started fixating on that point the last couple days. The deception would bother me. If someone is willing to misrepresent what they look like, regardless whether I'd have been attracted to the "real" them, it would make me wonder what else they might be willing to be deceptive about. Perhaps you are feeling something similar? 9
Author midwestisbest56 Posted May 6, 2022 Author Posted May 6, 2022 Pretty much yeah. I'm conflicted because I do like this person but it's just that misrepresentation that kind of throws me off. Like if you're bigger you're bigger that's fine. But at the same time, I understand that it might not have been done with malice or attempting to deceive.
FMW Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 As has been mentioned, there is no way to bring it up without causing some kind of offense or at the very least awkwardness. Using pictures that don't accurately show what she currently looks like isn't cool, but then again if she's gained weight very quickly for some reason she may genuinely not realize how different the pictures are to how others see her now. Similar to the flip side how people who have been heavy for a long time still see themselves as heavy even after losing a lot of weight and are slim or even thin. Also, I've noticed with myself and with others that in some pictures you can look noticeably heavier or thinner than you are depending on camera angles, how you're "posed", etc., but face to face you can't hide anything. So it's possible she only chose to use the more flattering pictures and her weight wasn't really that different. If she did choose pictures where she actually did weigh significantly less than what she currently weighs, I can understand having an issue with it. If you can't get this off your mind you probably should skip further dates with her, and you will have to decide what reason you give (if any) for not moving forward. 3
glows Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 I'd continue to meet with her if you enjoy her company but be mindful that she may not be in a good mindframe if she's posting older photos or photos that are deceiving (without malice). There's a good chance that a person who creates a profile online without updated photos may be fresh out of a relationship, needing companionship desperately or feeling the need to fill a void. The quickest way to do that is to pull on photos that are older and start meeting new people. Someone who's thoughtful about the process might take the time to think that their photos aren't updated and make more of an effort. If you feel she's genuine and good company and you're still attracted to her I'd let it go but screen out people who aren't for you. 1
smackie9 Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 If you can accept that she may feel a little insecure about posting new photos, then just carry on and enjoy that second date. I don't think it's a huge thing to worry about. 1
Author midwestisbest56 Posted May 6, 2022 Author Posted May 6, 2022 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: If you can accept that she may feel a little insecure about posting new photos, then just carry on and enjoy that second date. I don't think it's a huge thing to worry about. You know what. You're probably right. I think I'm just overthinking it and need to chill out 2
Wiseman2 Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 1 hour ago, midwestisbest56 said: I do like her and am looking forward to our second date coming up this weekend I kind of feel a bit weird due to this fact and for whatever reason feel anxious now. Should I bring it up with her and how would I do it in a way so that it doesn't come off as condescending/insulting. If you are attracted enough to ask for a second date, insinuations and insults won't work. Either way it's pointless to bring it up because if you don't want a second date, just tell her you're not a match. If you do want a second date you're shooting it down by implying she tricked you because she was not the same as her pictures. 2
Alvi Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 1 hour ago, midwestisbest56 said: Pretty much yeah. I'm conflicted because I do like this person but it's just that misrepresentation that kind of throws me off. Like if you're bigger you're bigger that's fine. But at the same time, I understand that it might not have been done with malice or attempting to deceive. Well, focus on the positive things rather than dwell on the negative ones. You like her, you want to see her again. Just go out with her again and see how it goes. Keep your eyes and ears wide open for some real major red flags and incompatibilities. I would call this alone a yellow flag. Like I said before, it is possible that her pics are fairly current and it's just that her weight fluctuates. In any case, you think that she is attractive. And that's all that should matter. 1
glows Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 1 hour ago, midwestisbest56 said: You know what. You're probably right. I think I'm just overthinking it and need to chill out I agree with this. See how it goes. And if she's not for you, say you're not a match and meet others. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 3 hours ago, midwestisbest56 said: she was a lot bigger than most of her pictures seemed to show. You liked her and found her attractive. Could have been much worse notice 0:33 : 1
Ami1uwant Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 Judge her fir who she is, not sone profile pictures. From my experience women change their hairstyle all the time. 1
Calmandfocused Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 (edited) I’m a woman and I can’t tell you the amount of dates I’ve had with men from OLD who look nothing like their pictures. The disappointment is huge! Admittedly I also feel a bit angry/ frustrated. Why? Because it’s deceptive, it’s cruel, and it’s wasting both of our time. I went through a “why would people do this” debate with myself and others, and I came to the conclusion that people do this because they think that the person they want will want them once they are dazzled by the personality. That somehow the sexual attraction element won’t matter, that the attraction will grow once the personality shines through and that they will be in with a chance ….. Wrong! Honesty, transparency, and integrity come top of the list in terms of what I’m looking for. Being dishonest from the offset sets the tone of what’s yet to come. Shes lucky you’re seeing her again. I disagree with the comments that suggest she doesn’t know she’s put weight on. I think that’s highly unlikely. She knows. She’s just hopeful you’ll see past it. Forget about the weight. It’s clearly not an issue to you. Instead think about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who misrepresents who they are. It would be a hard pass from me but if you proceed, do so with your eyes wide open. Probably more deception yet to come. Edited May 6, 2022 by Calmandfocused 3
stillafool Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 6 hours ago, midwestisbest56 said: I guess I'm not really bothered by the weight but the fact that I felt like I got baited which I recognize is probably not the case. It's just that for whatever reason I've started fixating on that point the last couple days. I think you do think that's the case but still you asked her out again. No do not ask her anything about her weight gain as it will not go over well I promise you. It's too late now so just enjoy what you have.
Weezy1973 Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 The only thing to worry about on a first date is whether or not you want a second date. And then same with the second date. And so on. Everything else is just wasting too much mental energy.
basil67 Posted May 6, 2022 Posted May 6, 2022 (edited) It may not be deliberate deception. I'll share something which happens to me incase it's similar to her: When I see an actual photo of myself, it seems wrong because I'm bigger in the photos than what I perceive in the mirror. If she hasn't had any new photos taken, she may indeed feel that those photos are a true representation of what she looks like. Edited May 6, 2022 by basil67 3
chillii Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 Ahhh yessaa, l remember the days. l'd feel like saying hang on a minute your about 15kg lighter in all your pics. lt felt like deception to me back in the day too. But alas nope , ain't no way to bring that one up that's gonna end well. To me any pandemic is no excuse my partner actually lost weight, bc she's well aware of it and looks after herself. At any rate though , she is what she is and if that isn't turning you on then you got a problem.
poppyfields Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, basil67 said: It may not be deliberate deception. I'll share something which happens to me incase it's similar to her: When I see an actual photo of myself, it seems wrong because I'm bigger in the photos than what I perceive in the mirror. If she hasn't had any new photos taken, she may indeed feel that those photos are a true representation of what she looks like. I have the opposite problem, I WISH I had your problem (sort of). I just got this new smartphone last week and was complaining to my boyfriend about it just last night, how the photos make me look at least 10 pounds thinner than I already am. My face especially, it really distorts my features (e.g my nose looks longer, my cheekbones more pronounced). I am so thin naturally, that I look malnourished and well, I don't think I look like "me" at all. My boyfriend agreed. I think I might return it and opt for a new iPhone where the filtering isn't as extreme. My old phone took great pics! I looked like "myself" at least. lol Also there was a thread running a couple of weeks ago created by a man discussing how snapchat can filter your photos to make you appear thinner than you naturally are, and can also alter your facial features. I can speak from experience that some phones do this automatically, as I said my new phone takes 10 lbs off me, easy! In my case, I wish it didn't but anyway, it's quite possible that this was not an intentional act of deception; she was simply at the mercy of her phone and how it filters pics. My advice is give her the benefit of the doubt and if you had a good time on your first date, ask her for a second, get to know her and gauge how honest a person she is that way, in person. Best to not make assumptions, you may be missing out on a great girl with whom you share a great connection. Edited May 7, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Trail Blazer Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 That would be a no from me. Post what you look like and updates your photos if you've put on weight. She knew what she was doing. If you treat it like it's not a big problem then women will keep doing it because it won't be a problem. 3
Gaeta Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 (edited) She knows she's much bigger, we women know/feel when we're 3-lbs heavier so forget about her not knowing she gained 20lbs maybe more so, she knew she was deceiving the crowd when she put those pictures up. It takes 5 minutes to take new accurate pictures with nowadays phones. By doing that it says she's comfortable with deception so if you want to see her again keep in mind she may embellish other aspects of her life. One way to have her acknowledge she gained weight is to tell her you really like the outfit she has on on her 2nd pictures and you look forward she wears it on one of your up coming date. Let's see how she gets out of that one. Edited May 7, 2022 by Gaeta 4
Alpacalia Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 Photos are obviously not going to match 100% what someone looks like in real life. I am not talking about the respectable differences between photographs and reality, we are talking about the timing when it becomes obvious they were using only photographs that were 10 years old at the time or something similar. There was a time when I met a man who was hairy, unkempt, and with his belly hanging over his belt. That was pretty cool. Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with saying, "There are certain things that do not look like that I imagined, and that's a problem for me. Before I would like to pursue this further, I would at least like to understand the reason." That or a similar statement.
Wiseman2 Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 (edited) 20 hours ago, midwestisbest56 said: I did find her attractive. I do like her and am looking forward to our second date coming up this weekend. This is why meeting in person is so important. It's not about filters or old pics or "trickery" or whatever. It's that pics are a brief 2D representation/introduction. Can you tell how food is going to taste from looking at online pics? Meeting in person with photo perfect women where there's zero chemistry is pointless, no? It's about that je ne sais quoi that can only be assessed in person. Edited May 7, 2022 by Wiseman2 3
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