I think my marriage is over.

[Noproblem]

I think you need to get dirvoced and also get full custody of the kids because she is no shape or health to take care of them and they will suffer with her.

I am sorry for this, but you don't deserve this life at all.

Take your leave, take the kids, or at least joint custody.

She is long gone! Don't let take you and the kids down with you!

 

If she is not helping herself, then there is no way she'll be ok.. It will only get worse with time! 

Get out, take the kids too!

[Noproblem]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It will be harder for you, yes. However she is not happy being a housewife. That's the point. It's not about employment, it's about not wanting to be stuck in domestic drudgery anymore. it's not how much you make, it's about living her own life rather than one that suits you. You will be forced to pay for and have the kids so she has more free time and money.

she said she wants the kids, so I don't know why you assumed she doesn't want to be a mom.

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

3 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

I'm going to be dead honest.  While my family is very important to me and I would fight till the end, I haven't been all that happy either the last 2 years.  Remember my O.P. how I said my wife put me through hell.  She did.  There is a part of me that actually feels a relief from the idea of getting a divorce.  The idea of starting over in life makes me feel hopeful.  There is also a part of me that is terrified and lonely.  My emotions are going 100 different ways at once.

I think you are right that whatever happens, even if we stay together this marriage won't be the same again.  If somehow we come to an agreement to restructure it in some way (if that is even possible) ..... heck I don't even know what that means.  I'm just trying to give myself hope that there is a glimmer of hope in this and maybe we can come out the other side even stronger.  Maybe I shouldn't let my eternal optimism get in the way of rational thinking.  IDK, but thanks for your response.  Thank you to everyone who responded.   

The longer you wait and do not take action, the more farther away from you she will move.  In order for your marriage to work she has to want to fight for it just as much as you.  And she won’t want to fight for it if she knows you will always be there doing all the work.  You have enabled this bad behavior long enough.  Time to be honest with yourself about your role and contribution to where things are now.  I am suggesting the 180 in order to save your marriage not for you to leave it.

She will on,ly value it if she realizes she has something to lose.  It is something you really should read up on and think about.

[glows]

9 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

I'm going to be dead honest.  While my family is very important to me and I would fight till the end, I haven't been all that happy either the last 2 years.  Remember my O.P. how I said my wife put me through hell.  She did.  There is a part of me that actually feels a relief from the idea of getting a divorce.  The idea of starting over in life makes me feel hopeful.  There is also a part of me that is terrified and lonely.  My emotions are going 100 different ways at once.

I think you are right that whatever happens, even if we stay together this marriage won't be the same again.  If somehow we come to an agreement to restructure it in some way (if that is even possible) ..... heck I don't even know what that means.  I'm just trying to give myself hope that there is a glimmer of hope in this and maybe we can come out the other side even stronger.  Maybe I shouldn't let my eternal optimism get in the way of rational thinking.  IDK, but thanks for your response.  Thank you to everyone who responded.   

It doesn't sound like you're happy with her. There's plenty of denial often mixed in with separation/divorce and a lot of mixed feelings. 

If you work through this you may think about when the next time she'll decide to take a break or check out of the marriage or tell you that she doesn't want it anymore. That trust is broken or faith in each other which will need to be rebuilt or repaired. Some couples can do it. Others don't. 

I don't know if separation is mandatory before filing for divorce where you are but it can often clarify a lot and change your entire outlook or the way you view your spouse. If she wants to work through it with you you'll find out but you may not be the same man anymore. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Noproblem said:

 !Get out, take the kids too!

Against the law.  He needs appropriate legal advice regarding divorce and custody.

[Noproblem]

On 5/9/2022 at 2:26 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Against the law.  He needs appropriate legal advice regarding divorce and custody.

of course not advicing hm to steal the kids!?
he needs to get full custody or at least join custody, I mentioned in my post (joint custody)

 

[S2B]

On 5/6/2022 at 3:08 PM, nice-easy-day said:

Yes, we are talking.  We aren't in a fight or anything beyond just some tension.  But because of her depression it's like I don't even know her.  She isn't the person I married and have known for the last 9 years.  The last time we talked about the situation she basically said she feels like a she never accomplished any of her goals in life and feels like a failure.  And that it is something she is going to have to learn to accept and figure it out for herself.  If I didn't know any better I would say it sounds like a classic midlife crisis when you wake up and find out the last 10 years blew by and you're almost 40 y.o.  When we got married she wanted to be a mom and have kids.  That's what we did.  

You can’t make her not want the single life.

so divorce her. Let her find out how hard life is to be single and taking care of small kids entirely by herself during each day.

request as much visitation as possible in the settlement. Do not beg her to stay married.

 

[stillafool]

On 5/6/2022 at 6:14 PM, nice-easy-day said:

She told me she wants me to leave because I deserve better and I don't deserve everything she has put me through the last couple years.  

 

On 5/7/2022 at 4:54 PM, nice-easy-day said:

1- She feels stuck in marriage and doesn't like the constraint of taking care of the kids.  She feels like she has no freedom to do what she wants because her schedule is with the kids. 2- She feels like she has to share decisions about the household with me instead of her just doing what she wants. 3- She wants to forward herself in a career instead of just being a mom so when she is done being a mom she can be something better. 4- Her dad is in poor health and her mom now has nothing to fall back on.  She doesn't want to end up like her mom.  She wants more security so that if something would happen to me or my job she would be able to take over and cover everything. 5- Marriage just didn't turn out to be the way she expected.  It's mundane and boring.  She had visions of us traveling all over etc, and doing whatever she wanted.  Now she realizes that isn't reality.

All of the things you mention above are things that can only be fixed with your health.  She wants to keep the kids but is tired of taking care of them.  She feels she has not freedom because of the kids.  She isn't making sense tbh so no wonder you're confused.  

Are you sure your wife isn't involved with another man?  

[nice-easy-day]

I'm still here reading what everyone is writing.  Thanks.  Just an update.  My counselor was backed up and I have an appointment later this week.  Not much new news.  We've talked and it all comes down to her not being happy with life and being a mom.  I offered her a divorce but she said that is the last thing she wants.  I think I previously said all that.  She said, she is basically just going to accept the way things are and needs time to adjust.  

My get tells me that things have blown over but it's only a matter of time before the next earthquake.  I don't know about people who go through this but I could imagine it doesn't just one day end.  It is a process that unfolds over a period of time.  I'm scared the first crack in the damn has appeared.

I will give an update when there is something to talk about. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, nice-easy-day said:

She said, she is basically just going to accept the way things are and needs time to adjust.  

So basically she's not going to let you go and be happy.  You just have to deal with her unhappiness about her decisions that she's now unhappy about.  She's not going to adjust to anything what she means is you have to adjust.

[nice-easy-day]

On 5/16/2022 at 5:19 PM, stillafool said:

So basically she's not going to let you go and be happy.  You just have to deal with her unhappiness about her decisions that she's now unhappy about.  She's not going to adjust to anything what she means is you have to adjust.

Yeah, pretty much it seems that way.  Here is an interesting twist.  We were talking the other day and I made a comment "I wonder if in five years we'll only be having sex once a month".  (yeah, maybe not the best thing to say).  She blew up, and told me "I give you sex, I gave it to you the other day and do you think I actually wanted to have sex with you?  Hell ducking no!"

That night she slept in the other room and texted me, "Ashley Madison, go have a hay day, I'll do some research and we can set up ground rules, obviously I'm not enough and never will be because I'm ducked up, you should live your best though, so have at it, just keep it out of our house.  I want to be with you but I'll never be what you deserve". 

We talked the next day.  I explained an open marriage isn't want I wanted.  (I'll exclude what we talked about sex because really it is a symptom of what is going on and not the cause.)  Then she told me this, "I'm really sad and I have a right to be sad.  I've asked you just to give me time and space but you won't do it.  You need to just back off and let me be sad.  Why are you so concerned and why does it bother you so much?  If I'm not better in a year I'll go to therapy"  I told her if this keeps up for another year you'll be looking for another husband.

Apparently she doesn't understand that her sadness or depression effects everyone around her.  Anyway, there is nothing left I can do but give her some space I guess.  She returns back to work in two weeks after a 2 year layoff and thinks that will help her feel normal again.  I sure hope so.

I know the question is going to come up if she is cheating on me.  I'm 99% sure she isn't.  TBH, I'd like to call her bluff on the open marriage or actually go through with it but I know that would be the final nail in the coffin.  She is the very jealous type and wouldn't EVER be able to handle an open marriage.  I don't understand why she even brought it up.  Unless she knows I'm thinking about leaving her and is trying everything to keep me.  Or she's trying to push me out the door, idk. Thing is, every time we talk she says that she isn't going anywhere and wants to stay together.  But also isn't willing to change.

Is this not a really messed up situation?  I can't believe I'm actually in this illogical mess.

         

  

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, nice-easy-day said:

 We were talking the other day and I made a comment "I wonder if in five years we'll only be having sex once a month".  (yeah, maybe not the best thing to say).  She blew up, and told me "I give you sex, I gave it to you the other day and do you think I actually wanted to have sex with you?  Hell ducking no!"

It would be best to skip the snarky antagonistic remarks. Why would you open that can of worms?

Let her go. She is not happy being with you and you seem to beat her up about that.

[glows]

14 minutes ago, nice-easy-day said:

Is this not a really messed up situation?  I can't believe I'm actually in this illogical mess.

When faced with the end of a marriage, it's usually a messed up situation. I feel for you but your frustrations are really coming through here. Leave the angry comments out. You're reacting to a situation that you can't change and I think nearly all of us have been in that position at some time. Use that pent up frustration and excess energy to start thinking about how you want to live. 

For some perspective I felt helpless for some time, similar to you, when I realized my marriage was falling apart. You'll have to decide what you want to do with that and start making important decisions that affect you overall, your health, your work, your relationships with others and also your future. There's a lot to think about. Use that energy to your benefit. Stay useful and productive in other areas also and don't let the current communication devolve. Spend the time thinking, less responding.

[stillafool]

You need to leave or start leading your own life minus her.  Don't argue, just don't engage.  Whatever, whenever would be my stance.  I would be in no rush to come home that's for sure.  What else can you do since you're determined to stay there.

[nice-easy-day]

34 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You need to leave or start leading your own life minus her.  Don't argue, just don't engage.  Whatever, whenever would be my stance.  I would be in no rush to come home that's for sure.  What else can you do since you're determined to stay there.

I'm determined to stay for the sake of my two young children.  I think it's a rational choice to really give it every chance there is when kids are involved.  But there also comes a time when it's best for the kids not to be in that house.  I don't at all think we are at that point.  So I'll kick the can down the road some more and hope for the best.  Thanks everyone for the advice.

     

[DKT3]

59 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You need to leave or start leading your own life minus her.  Don't argue, just don't engage.  Whatever, whenever would be my stance.  I would be in no rush to come home that's for sure.  What else can you do since you're determined to stay there.

This is just a slow death.

 

OP, unfortunately your wife is displaying behavior of an unfaithful wife.  I know you've said you are 99% confident she isn't, but at some point everyone ever cheated on felt 99% confident they weren't being cheated on at some point before finding out.

[Weezy1973]

20 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

OP, unfortunately your wife is displaying behavior of an unfaithful wife.  I know you've said you are 99% confident she isn't, but at some point everyone ever cheated on felt 99% confident they weren't being cheated on at some point before finding out.

Agreed - especially with her desire to "do whatever she wants". That's code for, not wanting to follow the unwritten rules of your marriage. Like monogamy.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, nice-easy-day said:

"I'm really sad and I have a right to be sad.  I've asked you just to give me time and space but you won't do it.  You need to just back off and let me be sad.  Why are you so concerned and why does it bother you so much?  If I'm not better in a year I'll go to therapy"  I told her if this keeps up for another year you'll be looking for another husband.

A year IS a long time if the situation is making you (OP) unhappy, and it's a long time to BE unhappy for her as well. So, maybe therapy in a couple months instead?

It may be she's having an affair (or had one). If not, the offer to open the marriage seems a bit like "going nuclear". Perhaps that's just her style? (And it's a rather dysfunctional style IMO - essentially lashing out by devaluing your relationship.)

It may be hard to disentangle "unhappiness with the marriage" on her part from other mental health issues she may have. POSSIBLY that's one thing a therapist could help with. Again, preferably a bit sooner than a lot later IMO...

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

OP, unfortunately your wife is displaying behavior of an unfaithful wife. 

This was my original take on this story.  OP are you sure?  Women are better at hiding these things than men.

[glows]

2 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

I'm determined to stay for the sake of my two young children.  I think it's a rational choice to really give it every chance there is when kids are involved.  But there also comes a time when it's best for the kids not to be in that house.  I don't at all think we are at that point.  So I'll kick the can down the road some more and hope for the best.  Thanks everyone for the advice.

     

That’s understandable regarding your kids. It’s also equally important you have the legal advice necessary to not feel helpless or trapped in these circumstances. You’re not expected to make a decision right away in regards to separation or divorce but be prepared either way. Avoid those blow ups and negative remarks about each other. 

[vla1120]

On 5/8/2022 at 12:00 PM, nice-easy-day said:

I don't see how I would be able to take the kids unless I literally hire a full time nanny the days I have to work.  Because of my job, I'll most likely not be able to do a joint custody.  At best I could take them on weekends.  I'm ok with that.  My wife would need to take them during the week.  

Just to clarify, joint custody is not defined by 50/50 split physical custody. Joint custody means you have an equal say in all decisions concerning your children (school, medical, etc.) It means she cannot decide to take your kids and move across the country, etc. You definitely want to advocate for joint custody. 

[vla1120]

7 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

I'm determined to stay for the sake of my two young children.  I think it's a rational choice to really give it every chance there is when kids are involved.  But there also comes a time when it's best for the kids not to be in that house.  I don't at all think we are at that point.  So I'll kick the can down the road some more and hope for the best.  Thanks everyone for the advice.

     

You are right! There comes a time when it is best for the kids NOT to be in that house. I stayed for 15 years longer than I should have and gave my daughters a poor example of what marriage should look like. Don't make the same mistake I made.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, nice-easy-day said:

I'm determined to stay for the sake of my two young children.  

It's important not to make sex just another household chore she hates. 

The bickering isn't that great for the children either.

It's doubtful she has a lover. She is simply not happy being a housewife.

She made you an offer. Keep everything and she can have primary custody of the children with visitation.

Talk to an attorney for your options in divorce. It may not be as bad as you think.

 

[ufo8mycat]

Your wife is clearly depressed. Her comments about letting you go are rooted in a deep sense of unworthiness. 
 

don’t make any decisions until you see your councillor. 
 

TBH, my concern is far more for suicidal behaviour or ideation than infidelity. The leave/not leave push pull often speaks to depression and a need to escape owns own self rather than a desire to be child free and party. It can feel inescapable to be weighed down by what you thought would make you happy. 
 

encourge her to seek help, medication can be a game changer. Perhaps it’s one thing she can commit to try before you seperate (seeking medical help that is, not necessarily medication) 

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, ufo8mycat said:

Your wife is clearly depressed.

With this, is she really the right parent to have full time custody of the kids?  I don't think so.