How to get him attracted to me

[zarapinne]

hi folks...

i got involved with a guy with a who sort of is dating someone else and isnt available. we like each other though... He would invite me to our local steam room and we would do things in there but we never slept together.

He would always contact me. I would never initiate things, cause I was hesitant that he was in a relationship and didnt want to be a home wrecker. After some time I noticed that he became distant. When I asked him about it he said he wanted to give me space and that he felt like he was the initiator all the time. I started to be more proactive but I still felt he was distant.

Fast forward we had a huge fight because he cancelled a meet up we were going to have. We've made up now and he is starting to message me to hang out again...

i dont really want to though cause he has been super clear that he is unavaiable. How do I respond to him so that I acheive the goal of not seeing him without making it awkward between us. He is kind of sensitive to rejection so I need to careful with what I say. I dont want to make things awkward because we go tot he same gym and live in the same neighborhood....I also want him to keep being attracted to me

any advice would be appreciated...

thanks

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, zarapinne said:

 sort of is dating someone else and isnt available. we like each other though... He would invite me to our local steam room and we would do things in there.

The best thing to do is cut him off and find a BF of your own. He's a timewaster.

[glows]

1 hour ago, zarapinne said:

How do I respond to him so that I acheive the goal of not seeing him without making it awkward between us. He is kind of sensitive to rejection so I need to careful with what I say. I dont want to make things awkward because we go tot he same gym and live in the same neighborhood....I also want him to keep being attracted to me

If he approaches you to meet up or asks you to meet, just let him know that you're not into that anymore and are taking some time to yourself.

Keep it bland, no details and don't offer any information about what you think about him (negative feedback).

This is not a conversation that is intended to go on and on and it is not a round table discussion involving any of his input. Keep it short and brief without any point of contention. And then fade out or don't respond to his messages. If he's persistent, then block him or mute the contact. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, zarapinne said:

i dont really want to though cause he has been super clear that he is unavaiable. How do I respond to him so that I acheive the goal of not seeing him without making it awkward between us. He is kind of sensitive to rejection so I need to careful with what I say. I dont want to make things awkward because we go tot he same gym and live in the same neighborhood....I also want him to keep being attracted to me

Take responsibility for yourself and the part you play in this interaction. Do not reciprocate by flirting with him.

Rest assured that the third party will not be happy about your presence.

He is just screwed up and trying to stuff his own ego with you.

Please be the first person to get away from the situation unless you want to spend endless nights drenched in melatonin and staring at the ceiling.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, zarapinne said:

 He is kind of sensitive to rejection so I need to careful with what I say. 

Just be straight forward. Tell him that a guy who has a 10 year live-in GF is not someone you want to fool around with anymore.  Go to another gym or avoid him in other ways. Keep in mind that STDs can be transmitted through oral contact so get tested.

[smackie9]

He's not interested in you emotionally....he's just interested in getting some attention, having a little tryst on the side. So have that in mind when you tell yourself this guy is a d-bag because he is. Have some self worth and cut him off. You owe him nothing. Oh and him being "sensitive" that's him manipulating you into thinking he's vulnerable....he is not. It's all a sham, head games.

[zarapinne]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

He's not interested in you emotionally....he's just interested in getting some attention, having a little tryst on the side. So have that in mind when you tell yourself this guy is a d-bag because he is. Have some self worth and cut him off. You owe him nothing. Oh and him being "sensitive" that's him manipulating you into thinking he's vulnerable....he is not. It's all a sham, head games.

yeah ok i want to do this but i dont want to just cut him off. i love my gym and i dont want it to be tense going there... so my main goal is to cut him off in a way that isn't anxiety invoking for me and if i run into him in the gym ill be fine.

what if i say "im suicidal or not doing well at the moment and not in healthy place to hangout/chat and ill let u know when im doing better" or "im in a bad place and worried that if we hang out i wont respond healthily like the spoiled way i reacted previosuly so maybe i should take a break and reach out when im doing better"

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, zarapinne said:

what if i say "im suicidal or not doing well at the moment and not in healthy place to hangout/chat and ill let u know when im doing better" 

Are you suicidal? 

[Alpacalia]

Isn't it just easier to say that you aren't interested in dating men who also have girlfriends?

Assuming that you are not, since you did indeed ask "Would it be possible for him to continue to be attracted to me?"

[zarapinne]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Isn't it just easier to say that you aren't interested in dating men who also have girlfriends?

Assuming that you are not, since you did indeed ask "Would it be possible for him to continue to be attracted to me?"

its not easier cause it triggers my abandonment anxiety and i dont manage that well...im afraid if i cut off abruptly ill get triggered and run back to him. whatever i say has to cause zero stress for me.

if i say im not interested in dating a man witha gf, hell say we were never dating to begin with and that it's fine we can just be platonic friends....but that's not something i can do once ive gone sexual

[glows]

42 minutes ago, zarapinne said:

yeah ok i want to do this but i dont want to just cut him off. i love my gym and i dont want it to be tense going there... so my main goal is to cut him off in a way that isn't anxiety invoking for me and if i run into him in the gym ill be fine.

what if i say "im suicidal or not doing well at the moment and not in healthy place to hangout/chat and ill let u know when im doing better" or "im in a bad place and worried that if we hang out i wont respond healthily like the spoiled way i reacted previosuly so maybe i should take a break and reach out when im doing better"

Keep it shorter. “I’m not looking to date or see anyone at the moment. Life is hectic right now.” Keep it bland and simple. If you see him at the gym keep it cordial and polite. You don’t have to be strangers. 

If you’re suicidal please call a suicide hotline, speak with your doctor immediately and book an appointment, don’t be afraid to describe your thoughts.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, zarapinne said:

its not easier cause it triggers my abandonment anxiety and i dont manage that well...im afraid if i cut off abruptly ill get triggered

If you are suicidal in addition to having anxiety issues and coping problems the best place to start is going to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Random sexual activity in a sauna with a cheater is what's contributing the problems, not preventing them.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, zarapinne said:

what if i say "im suicidal or not doing well at the moment and not in healthy place to hangout/chat and ill let u know when im doing better" or "im in a bad place and worried that if we hang out i wont respond healthily like the spoiled way i reacted previosuly so maybe i should take a break and reach out when im doing better"

Seek medical attention right away if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts.

Your mental health comes first. 

42 minutes ago, zarapinne said:

its not easier cause it triggers my abandonment anxiety and i dont manage that well...im afraid if i cut off abruptly ill get triggered and run back to him. whatever i say has to cause zero stress for me.

if i say im not interested in dating a man witha gf, hell say we were never dating to begin with and that it's fine we can just be platonic friends....but that's not something i can do once ive gone sexual

Feeling anxious, guilty, and conflicted (and anything else) is OK.

But you have to make up your mind to break up and let go of the taken man.

There is no commitment, no real love, no friendship for life. Just walk away from this relationship - there are other men that will be able to give you the things that you need and want in life.

Preferably one that is not already in the relationship. I assure you that you owe him nothing, so it is best for you to just break away, block, delete, do not text him etc.

 

Edited May 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, zarapinne said:

He would invite me to our local steam room and we would do things in there but we never slept together.

Is this a same sex relationship?

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, zarapinne said:

its not easier cause it triggers my abandonment anxiety and i dont manage that well...im afraid if i cut off abruptly ill get triggered and run back to him. whatever i say has to cause zero stress for me.

if i say im not interested in dating a man witha gf, hell say we were never dating to begin with and that it's fine we can just be platonic friends....but that's not something i can do once ive gone sexual

The point here is you are not going to end up being his gf nor is he likely to fall in love with you.  He is using you for steam room fun and probably once he gets intercourse he will leave you alone.  He's just having fun on the side and cheating on his gf.  He hasn't abandoned you because he was never with you so I don't understand how he can trigger abandonment anxiety.  You need to find a guy who wants you as his gf because this one has been clear he does not.  You're right you cannot be his friend not because of the sex you had but because you have romantic feelings towards him that are not mutual.  You will end up hurt.  You will constantly find yourself in this position when you go after other girl's boyfriends.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

You're right you cannot be his friend not because of the sex you had but because you have romantic feelings towards him that are not mutual

This, 100%.

[zarapinne]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

The point here is you are not going to end up being his gf nor is he likely to fall in love with you.  He is using you for steam room fun and probably once he gets intercourse he will leave you alone.  He's just having fun on the side and cheating on his gf.  He hasn't abandoned you because he was never with you so I don't understand how he can trigger abandonment anxiety.  You need to find a guy who wants you as his gf because this one has been clear he does not.  You're right you cannot be his friend not because of the sex you had but because you have romantic feelings towards him that are not mutual.  You will end up hurt.  You will constantly find yourself in this position when you go after other girl's boyfriends.

except he has said he wont hve sex/intercourse with me. he thinks of us as friends who are sexually attracted to each other that spills over into limited sexual acts sometimes.

[healing light]

9 hours ago, zarapinne said:

what if i say "im suicidal or not doing well at the moment and not in healthy place to hangout/chat and ill let u know when im doing better" or "im in a bad place and worried that if we hang out i wont respond healthily like the spoiled way i reacted previosuly so maybe i should take a break and reach out when im doing better"

I wouldn't say this statement because whether or not it is your intention, it comes across like you want him to feel sorry for you and rescue you, as if showing him your wounded or soft underbelly or damsel in distress vibe will have him come running toward you. But it rarely works like that. This is just a selfish dude who can't keep it fully in his pants while he is with someone else. 

Also, you're taking the blame when you say, "the spoiled way I reacted previously." Most people who entertain these types of situations don't have the best self-esteem, but even if they start out with confidence, these third party situations start to erode their self concept and it can be natural to feel reactive, want to withdrawal, or have increasingly bad boundaries. The only person who is acting spoiled here is this man who wants to have his cake and eat it, too.

The truth is any kind of "break up" from a situation where your emotions are entangled with another is going to come with its own form of stress. So I don't think there is a way to avoid triggering your abandonment issues since this situation will inevitably end one way or another. I would do it with the most grace possible so you can look back and know you acted in an empowered way by ending it first rather than getting to the point where you grovel for whatever crumbs he is willing to throw your way.

That being said, I would be straightforward and then change gyms if necessary, as well as seek assistance in the form of some type of counseling or other activity meant to address your mental health if you are in fact feeling suicidal. No man is worth losing your will to live, especially not a cheating man with a loose moral compass. Take care of yourself!

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, zarapinne said:

what if i say "im suicidal or not doing well at the moment and not in healthy place to hangout/chat and ill let u know when im doing better"

No. Do not say this. 

If you are indeed suicidal, seek help from the appropriate resources in your area. 

Otherwise, tell him that you are not in a place to continue seeing and talking to him and that's it. Because, well, it's the truth. This is a very unhealthy situation and you are not managing your feelings well - fooling around with people in relationships will do that to you. You need to get to a place of confidence and self-respect, because what you're engaging in right now is making your issues worse. You two are not friends. He sees you as a hook-up, and tough cookies if he's sensitive to rejection. He's a cheater, for heaven's sake. He can handle it, he's just manipulating you into continuing hooking up with him. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, zarapinne said:

 that spills over into limited sexual acts sometimes.

You can contract STDs from oral sex, so get tested. Why meet up in steam rooms? 

[zarapinne]

he keeps checking in from time to time asking how i am and if i need to talk about anything? I kept it polite said i was ok, keeping busy. asked how he was....but everytime he messages me i feel bad...what if i say the following (im not ready to block him yet):

glad you're doing well. with where im at now, i just don't think i can maintain a conversation etc. healthily, especially after what happened.

triggers me so much to say the above..but what do you think?

Edited May 8, 2022 by zarapinne

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, zarapinne said:

...what if i say the following (im not ready to block him yet):

glad you're doing well. with where im at now, i just don't think i can maintain a conversation etc. healthily, especially after what happened.

He's not your therapist. You have the right to simply end it then delete and block him. He'll know exactly why and respect you for it.

[zarapinne]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not your therapist. You have the right to simply end it then delete and block him. He'll know exactly why and respect you for it.

should i send that message first..then delete and block

[basil67]

I wouldn't disclose anything about your mental health.   I'd just say that the fooling around isn't working for you and you will be moving on.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I wouldn't disclose anything about your mental health.   I'd just say that the fooling around isn't working for you and you will be moving on.

This. 

You are going to have to find a way to cope with the triggers, OP. Your conduct right now with this man are surely worse for you than a potential trigger.