How to get him attracted to me

[stillafool]

On 5/7/2022 at 9:45 PM, zarapinne said:

except he has said he wont hve sex/intercourse with me. he thinks of us as friends who are sexually attracted to each other that spills over into limited sexual acts sometimes.

See he thinks having actual intercourse would be cheating on his girl so he degrades you by doing other things that are sexual without the intercourse, basically using you.

16 hours ago, zarapinne said:

(im not ready to block him yet):

Why Not!?

[glows]

16 hours ago, zarapinne said:

he keeps checking in from time to time asking how i am and if i need to talk about anything? I kept it polite said i was ok, keeping busy. asked how he was....but everytime he messages me i feel bad...what if i say the following (im not ready to block him yet):

glad you're doing well. with where im at now, i just don't think i can maintain a conversation etc. healthily, especially after what happened.

triggers me so much to say the above..but what do you think?

Don't say anything then. Let it fade out and when you're ready, block him. You can mute his contact as well so that the messages come through but you don't see any notifications or won't feel pressed to respond. Let the impulse to respond fade away and move on with your life. 

[Wiseman2]

On 5/7/2022 at 2:20 AM, zarapinne said:

i got involved with a guy with a who sort of is dating someone else and isnt available. He would invite me to our local steam room and we would do things in there but we never slept together.

Is this a same sex encounter? How exactly are you performing sexual acts in a public steam room?

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this a same sex encounter? How exactly are you performing sexual acts in a public steam room?

Some gyms have spas that include steam rooms off from the showers.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Some gyms have spas that include steam rooms off from the showers.

That's odd. The original post states "our local steam room and we would do things in there"

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's odd. The original post states "our local steam room and we would do things in there"

Yes you're correct and it more than likely means different than I previously said.

[Kamille]

19 hours ago, zarapinne said:

he keeps checking in from time to time asking how i am and if i need to talk about anything? I kept it polite said i was ok, keeping busy. asked how he was....but everytime he messages me i feel bad...what if i say the following (im not ready to block him yet):

glad you're doing well. with where im at now, i just don't think i can maintain a conversation etc. healthily, especially after what happened.

triggers me so much to say the above..but what do you think?

I agree with others that you don't owe this person anything. He doesn't sound like a safe person with whom to be vulnerable.

 

That said, I find your statement above honest. It can be triggering at first to speak from an honest place, precisely becomes it means we're showing our vulnerabilities. It is up to you to decide what makes you feel safest when it comes to ending things. I hope you're seeing a therapist so that you get the empathy you need as figure out how to best stand up for yourself here.

[zarapinne]

I've been spending time with a man in a long term relationship for the past two months. We had an emotional and physical connection and did some sexual acts. We didnt actually sleep together though, just talked about fetishes, grinding, hand jobs etc. I noticed that I was getting attached and slowly falling in love so I gently removed myself from the situation.

I told him that id like to keep chatting but i just cannot in a healthy way. things are just not aligned with what im seeking (an actual relationship) and knowing myself, if i continue It will cause me a lot of pain down the line as I will fall in love.

I also said i wish i could increase the longevity of things bc he's great and i wish i was more clear abut things from the start. I apologized for any confusion on my part.

He has said that he would like to move past the fling and just be regular friends because he thinks I am awesome but he gets it and will leave it up to me whether to connect or not.

My question is, as a guy, if a girl you were fooling around with a girl and only wanted limited sexual contact, if this girl removed herself (like I did in this scenario), what would you think of her as a person and her personality.

Weak not being able to manage her emotions while staying in contact or something else?

[glows]

There's a possibility he cares about you to an extent and doesn't think ill of you so I wouldn't worry about that. Worry instead about your emotional/mental health while you are involved with someone who isn't able to reciprocate in the same way or lead to a fulfilling relationship. He's with someone else.

[zarapinne]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

There's a possibility he cares about you to an extent and doesn't think ill of you so I wouldn't worry about that. Worry instead about your emotional/mental health while you are involved with someone who isn't able to reciprocate in the same way or lead to a fulfilling relationship. He's with someone else.

i agree, i did this to tak care of myself. i just want to know what kind of impression i gave. after i told him how i thought he was awesome etc. he didnt respond so I'm just curious

Edited May 12, 2022 by zarapinne

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, zarapinne said:

if a girl you were fooling around with a girl and only wanted limited sexual contact, if this girl removed herself (like I did in this scenario), what would you think of her as a person and her personality.

What matters most is what you think and what you want. Meeting in gyms for sexual acts is not what you want. Doing this with a cheater is not what you want. It doesn't matter what he thinks. 

In fact the sooner you cut this unseemly situation out of your life, the sooner you will be closer to your goals.

If he wants to hire a prostitute to do these things with in steam rooms, that's up to him. 

Edited May 12, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

13 minutes ago, zarapinne said:

i agree, i did this to tak care of myself. i just want to know what kind of impression i gave. after i told him how i thought he was awesome etc. he didnt respond so I'm just curious

If you're ending this, then the impression you're giving is one of self-respect. Keep taking care of yourself. Glad you're doing that.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, zarapinne said:

He has said that he would like to move past the fling and just be regular friends because he thinks I am awesome but he gets it and will leave it up to me whether to connect or not.

The better question to ask is - why did he not respect your decision? This is a huge red flag for me… you enforced a boundary and he has not respected it.

YOU did the right thing, by ending it before you got more invested and people got hurt.  I would absolutely walk away and never talk to this man again. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, glows said:

If you're ending this, then the impression you're giving is one of self-respect.

Absolutely. Your decision is to be admired, respected. You know what you want and you have decided that you will not settle for anything less. You have decided that you will not be a party to hurting yourself or others (his spouse). 

More often than not, the right thing to do is the hard thing. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, zarapinne said:

i told him how i thought he was awesome etc. he didnt respond so I'm just curious

You didn’t give him what he wanted, which is why he didn’t respond. He was probably not very happy, because he thought you were willing to take things further…

His request to continue communicating as friends likely doesn’t come from a sincere and honest place - if you agree, after telling him that you could not do so, he will know that you don’t mean what you say. He will know that he can test and push your boundaries… and thus begins the slippery slope to an affair…

People who have feelings for other people and have crossed certain boundaries in the past can’t be “friends” for obvious reasons. In much the same way that people who are married to other women shouldn’t be engaging in inappropriate “friendships” with other women, for obvious reasons. 

Don’t think for a moment that he didn’t/doesn’t intent to progress this relationship sexually. His motives are not sincere - he is committed to another woman and pursuing a relationship with you. There is nothing sincere about that.

And, if your goal is to find a serious and loving committed relationship then you would be wise NOT to chose a man who is in a  committed relationship with another woman - no matter how wonderful you may think this man is or how special the connection you have with him. Wonderful men don’t sneak around on their partners. Full stop. 

 

[zarapinne]

thanks for all your responses...im just wondering if i was in his shoes and got messages like the ones i sent him, what are some example thoughts that went through his head? like what did he think to himself?

[glows]

6 hours ago, zarapinne said:

thanks for all your responses...im just wondering if i was in his shoes and got messages like the ones i sent him, what are some example thoughts that went through his head? like what did he think to himself?

No one can tell you what was going through his head or give you examples of what someone else is thinking. Try writing your thoughts down in a journal if you're finding it difficult to cope with the conflicting emotions you may have. It's normal to want to know what someone is thinking but don't ruminate too far on this or let those thoughts spiral into a fixation or obsession. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, zarapinne said:

what are some example thoughts that went through his head? like what did he think to himself?

That you are catching feelings but are (wisely) unwilling to be his side-piece. 

He will probably find someone else to fill that role. That's all. 

[S2B]

7 hours ago, zarapinne said:

thanks for all your responses...im just wondering if i was in his shoes and got messages like the ones i sent him, what are some example thoughts that went through his head? like what did he think to himself?

He’s thinking he’s got an extra helping.

he likes the ego strokes.

just take care of yourself.

he’s selfish and self centered. He’s offered you nothing.

[Will am I]

11 hours ago, zarapinne said:

My question is, as a guy, if a girl you were fooling around with a girl and only wanted limited sexual contact, if this girl removed herself (like I did in this scenario), what would you think of her as a person and her personality.

Weak not being able to manage her emotions while staying in contact or something else?

From what I understand, you decided that you want either the real deal or a breakup, but not to stay in this long distance fling without real perspective? That sounds like a sane and wise decision from your side.

 

I (MM, 40s) recently came out of an EA with a (female, 20s) who didn't object at all to being the "girl on the side". I think that in her case she desperately needed the love and attention but was too damaged to pursue a more substantial relationship at this point in time. So she fit right into the OW role.

In our case I was the one to feel remorse over being inappropriate while married and decided to end the affair. That part is different than your situation.

 

On to your question:

What if I would still be in contact with OW? How would I feel about her? Would I think she is weak? Would the friendship be genuine?

 

My personal answer:

I have a complex mix of feelings for OW. Some of these feelings could fit very well into a friendship. I like her personality, appreciate what she is starting to achieve in life despite coming from a rough place, enjoy her sense of humour. Other feelings are affectionate beyond friendship. OW has a few traits that I just find adorable. And then there are the memories of sexual interaction. She found a few very sensitive spots in my sexuality and played with those and turned me on beyond measure.

If I wanted to pursue friendship, would I be genuine? Maybe I would. There is a foundation for friendship in my feelings. But even if I genuinely wanted to be friends, my feelings of adoration and the pretty intense sexual bonding would make it so hard to stick to that level. I think within a short time we would either engage as FWBs or fall back in love. Knowing myself, probably I'd be back in love in no time.

Would I find OW weak in any sense? No. But the reason not to be friends is that we have a history on another level. And it was very pleasureable and addictive.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, zarapinne said:

,what are some example thoughts that went through his head? like what did he think to himself?

Remember to get tested for STDs if oral was involved.  What's going through his mind is irrelevant.

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, zarapinne said:

My question is, as a guy, if a girl you were fooling around with a girl and only wanted limited sexual contact, if this girl removed herself (like I did in this scenario), what would you think of her as a person and her personality.

Weak not being able to manage her emotions while staying in contact or something else?

I think my opinion of her would reflect a variety of factors, not just this one aspect of how she is dealing with things.

There are those in the world who can and do enjoy being in affairs and those who find that it's not for them. I think it's only being fair to yourself to recognize where you stand and take appropriate action, regardless of what others, including the MM, may think.

[zarapinne]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think my opinion of her would reflect a variety of factors, not just this one aspect of how she is dealing with things.

There are those in the world who can and do enjoy being in affairs and those who find that it's not for them. I think it's only being fair to yourself to recognize where you stand and take appropriate action, regardless of what others, including the MM, may think.

what other factors would influence your opinion of her?

 

i just feel weak because it was mostly an emotional bond... and rather non sexual, sure there was some fetish talk, foot rubs, chocking etc. but nothing hardcore...ppl keep telling me to get tested for oral...no need guys!

 

i just dont understand how im no able to keep my emotions in check and stay friends given that the sexual element wasn't that strong.

[mark clemson]

All sorts of things would influence my opinion - the sum total of our interactions, with perhaps a few "stand out" elements having a greater impact on my opinion. It would depend a lot on the person and my specific experiences with her.

WRT emotions - they certainly aren't always rational; it's not at all uncommon for people to be attracted, sometimes VERY attracted, to someone who doesn't really fit in their life, or is otherwise problematic. Happens all the time.

The simple (not necessarily easy) thing to do is to walk away, which is what you seem to have planned. I suspect that will serve you best in the long run.

Edited May 13, 2022 by mark clemson

[zarapinne]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

All sorts of things would influence my opinion - the sum total of our interactions, with perhaps a few "stand out" elements having a greater impact on my opinion. It would depend a lot on the person and my specific experiences with her.

WRT emotions - they certainly aren't always rational; it's not at all uncommon for people to be attracted, sometimes VERY attracted, to someone who doesn't really fit in their life, or is otherwise problematic. Happens all the time.

The simple (not necessarily easy) thing to do is to walk away, which is what you seem to have planned. I suspect that will serve you best in the long run.

it just bothers me that he did not aknolwedge my apology for ending things. I gave him a sincere hearthfelt apology for the confusion and spelled all these great things about him. It sucks to be left on unread. I know i asked for no contact but the respectful thing to do is to aknowledge someone's apology and end things on a good terms. it makes me think that i either hurt his ego, or he liked me and feels hurt, or he just doesnt give a s***.