mark clemson Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 (edited) There are many possible reasons for this. Possibly he was being "mean" at the end - some people do this. Maybe he's hurt and so "hurting you back" a bit. Possibly it's a form of manipulation as he may know or suspect it will bother you a little - getting a "rise" out of you increases the chance you will give in and contact him. Perhaps he's the type to just "shut things off immediately" as people like that are out there as well. There is really no way to tell - even if you asked him you might not get a straight answer. Perhaps the question you really need to ask yourself is - are you going to let this keep bothering you or not? Edited May 13, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 If you want to stay friends with this man, then insist when you get together his wife comes too. Include her on text threads and such. If you get along so well with him, you probably will with her too, right? And if he shuts that down then you will see where you stand. But I agree with PP that your best plan is to walk away. And to stop wasting your mental energy trying to figure out what he thinks. I know that is hard; I wasted years trying to understand why a best friend ended our relationship so suddenly. I will never know why, and I finally realized that is okay because I don't need her answers to validate myself. P.S. My last contact with my AP was me telling him not to contact me. I never heard from him again. For a while I wondered, is he respecting my choice or did he not really care? But the fact is, after time, I realized it didn't matter and I was thankful for the opportunity to work through my issues without having to deal with xAP contact also. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zarapinne Posted May 13, 2022 Author Share Posted May 13, 2022 3 minutes ago, mark clemson said: There are many possible reasons for this. Possibly he was being "mean" at the end - some people do this. Maybe he's hurt and so "hurting you back" a bit. Possibly it's a form of manipulation as he may know or suspect it will bother you a little - getting a "rise" out of you increases the chance you will give in and contact him. Perhaps he's the type to just "shut things off immediately" as people like that are out there as well. There is really no way to tell - even if you asked him you might not get a straight answer. Perhaps the question you really need to ask yourself is - are you going to let this keep bothering you or not? i hope to move on from this pretty quickly, one week tops. it just bothers me not knowing if he hates me now or not. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 Ok. Give yourself time as the brain sometimes "moves at it's own pace". However, if the plan is to be done, then a firm resolve, as well as starting relatively quickly into new activities to "move on with your life" and do new things/create new patterns in your life, etc, should help, e.g. from a cognitive behavioral therapy perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 Why do you feel he should acknowledge your apology? Do you need his validation or apology also? Would it have continued the conversation and made things worse or weakened your resolve? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 13 minutes ago, zarapinne said: it just bothers me that he did not aknolwedge my apology for ending things. I don't understand why you would end things and then apologize for it. If someone ended things with me I would expect our relationship to end and they wouldn't hear from me again even if they sent an apology for it. I wouldn't understand why they were sending the apology and wouldn't respond back but move on. This guy probably does what he did with you with other girls who frequent the gym. He sounds sleazy as hell; so he just moved on to the next girl he thought he could get over on. He's probably not even interested in PIV sex just his 'games in steam rooms' that way he feels like he's not actually cheating on his wife. Sick. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: He sounds sleazy as hell; so he just moved on to the next girl he thought he could get over on. He's probably not even interested in PIV sex just his 'games in steam rooms' that way he feels like he's not actually cheating on his wife. Sick. I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zarapinne Posted May 13, 2022 Author Share Posted May 13, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, stillafool said: I don't understand why you would end things and then apologize for it. If someone ended things with me I would expect our relationship to end and they wouldn't hear from me again even if they sent an apology for it. I wouldn't understand why they were sending the apology and wouldn't respond back but move on. This guy probably does what he did with you with other girls who frequent the gym. He sounds sleazy as hell; so he just moved on to the next girl he thought he could get over on. He's probably not even interested in PIV sex just his 'games in steam rooms' that way he feels like he's not actually cheating on his wife. Sick. i apologized cause i felt bad for acting like i wanted a fling at the beginning and then changing my mind. i just felt bad in general for cutting him off. [ ] Edited May 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility Link to post Share on other sites
Author zarapinne Posted May 13, 2022 Author Share Posted May 13, 2022 (edited) i didnt change my mind. i just didnt want there to be hard feelings between us so i felt an apology would smoothen things over, bc we are neighbors and i know i will run into him. Edited May 13, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 13 minutes ago, zarapinne said: i didnt change my mind. i just didnt want there to be hard feelings between us so i felt an apology would smoothen things over, bc we are neighbors and i know i will run into him. I'm sure he understood. Link to post Share on other sites
RebeccaR Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 44 minutes ago, stillafool said: I don't understand why you would end things and then apologize for it. If someone ended things with me I would expect our relationship to end and they wouldn't hear from me again even if they sent an apology for it. I wouldn't understand why they were sending the apology and wouldn't respond back but move on. This guy probably does what he did with you with other girls who frequent the gym. He sounds sleazy as hell; so he just moved on to the next girl he thought he could get over on. He's probably not even interested in PIV sex just his 'games in steam rooms' that way he feels like he's not actually cheating on his wife. Sick. I don’t think the poster is the one with the personal trainer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 Sorry Zarapinne. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 30 minutes ago, zarapinne said: we are neighbors and i know i will run into him. Stop going to the community steam room or meeting him there. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 2 hours ago, zarapinne said: i apologized cause i felt bad for acting like i wanted a fling at the beginning and then changing my mind. i just felt bad in general for cutting him off. sue me. I don't think it bothers him that much. After all, this is a man who is being disloyal to his wife. He doesn't appear to feel too badly about that, so I highly doubt he will be offended that you don't want to get involved any further with him. He'll be just fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2022 Share Posted May 13, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I don't think it bothers him that much. After all, this is a man who is being disloyal to his wife. He doesn't appear to feel too badly about that, so I highly doubt he will be offended that you don't want to get involved any further with him. He'll be just fine. Consider this OP if you are feeling guilty - if he is feeling hurt and rejected, he is likely to find solace in the arms of his wife. No doubt, he will feel better after a romantic dinner and a sexy evening. You don’t owe the man an apology because you decided you would rather not involve yourself in an extramarital affair. Never apologize for making the right decision. Edited May 13, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author zarapinne Posted May 13, 2022 Author Share Posted May 13, 2022 arghh i feel suicidal after this. i always get attracted to situations like this where i feel the need to win someone over. i feel like my subconcious patterns are at play and need resolution, however i dont think its possible to resolve them in this lifetime. yes, ive gone through therapy...years of it. my daddy issues are winning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 14, 2022 Share Posted May 14, 2022 31 minutes ago, zarapinne said: i always get attracted to situations like this where i feel the need to win someone over. What he was doing to you was degrading to say the least. Is that what you want from a man? Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted May 15, 2022 Share Posted May 15, 2022 It’s never a good idea to get involved with someone who is already in another relationship. If they start seeing you, what does that say about who they are? If they don’t leave their relationship, you’ll waste a lot of time on someone unavailable. It’s always a lose-lose kind of thing, in my opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zarapinne Posted May 20, 2022 Author Share Posted May 20, 2022 it's been a while since he contacted me. He tried to test me once by sending some "update" photos but I asked that he stop. I've been dealing with the loss by drowning myself in dark love poetry, Nick Cave, Edgar Allen and the like... I find myself pondering alot though..why does he have it all and I do not. We have the same attachment issues, trust isssues etc. but why does he seem to maintain a girlfriend for so many years...he has it all. a girlfriend, penthouse, sail boat a job that allows him to travel often...what is it that I'm lacking? what essence am i missing that allows you to build a substantial life? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 20, 2022 Share Posted May 20, 2022 30 minutes ago, zarapinne said: it's been a while since he contacted me. He tried to test me once by sending some "update" photos but I asked that he stop. I've been dealing with the loss by drowning myself in dark love poetry, Nick Cave, Edgar Allen and the like... I find myself pondering alot though..why does he have it all and I do not. We have the same attachment issues, trust isssues etc. but why does he seem to maintain a girlfriend for so many years...he has it all. a girlfriend, penthouse, sail boat a job that allows him to travel often...what is it that I'm lacking? what essence am i missing that allows you to build a substantial life? Those are good questions. Start with more financial freedom. Work on your career, ask for help and feedback. Create realistic goals for yourself and short/long term plans. In the process you’ll improve your self-esteem. Men/people like this won’t be options to date because you’re busy with other plans for yourself and the person you want in it will reflect similar beliefs and thoughts. I wouldn’t say either that he’s anyone to emulate or look up to. If he’s cheating on his partner he may be the antithesis of what you’re actually looking for so revise. Rethink the company you tend to keep. Link to post Share on other sites
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