How to ask if a man has kids?

[Marka]

I am currently on two dating apps, Bumble and Tinder. Some men that send me likes/ come as matches do not have info about kids on their profile. I am not sure when and how should I ask them about it. I don't have kids myself and it is dealbreaker for me if a guy has kid/s. But i d feel weird to ask in a first message: do you have kids? asking because you don't have this field filled in your profile. What would be better approach?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Marka said:

I don't have kids myself and it is dealbreaker for me if a guy has kids.

Have any of them messaged you or asked you out? Start there. If there is some interest, then it's fine to simply ask if they have kids.

How they fill out their profile is beside the point. Do you have "no kids" in your bio/profile?

[glows]

In the past it came out naturally in conversation. Parents who have a good coparenting system in place will want to talk about their kids and are usually proud of them. I haven't had any instances where a person hides their children or brings it up at a much later date. 

I'd also slow down the matching and texting if you feel conversing with someone is becoming a chore or too methodical. Be patient and let the conversation unravel on its own.

[Marka]

Yes, they messaged. Just standard stuff about weekend etc. 

On hinge I stated that I don't have kids. I don't mind having my own kids with a right person but I am not a type of person who will be able to accept not my own child unfortunately.  There is no option to put bio in Hinge only prompts. I would feel weird writing no kids in prompt.

On bumble it says that I don't have kids and looking for the same. Nonetheless it took one guy a week and a half of chatting with me before admitting he has 5 year old daughter with joint custody. He said he saw the line in my profile but apparently decided to try anyway.

Edited May 7, 2022 by Marka

[glows]

1 minute ago, Marka said:

Yes, they messaged. Just standard staff about weekend etc. On hinge I stated that I don't have kids. I don't mind having my own kids with a right person but I am not a type of person who will be able to accept not my own child unfortunately.  On bumble it says that I don't have kids and looking for the same. Nonetheless it took one guy a week and a half of chatting with me before admitting he has 5 year old daughter with joint custody. He said he saw the line in my profile but apparently decided to try anyway.

In that case, just work it naturally into the conversation. It doesn't have to be awkward. Children are a regular occurrence in life and this is not an inappropriate thing to ask someone on a dating app. I'm sorry you came across that one who waited to tell you.

[Marka]

1 minute ago, glows said:

In that case, just work it naturally into the conversation. It doesn't have to be awkward. Children are a regular occurrence in life and this is not an inappropriate thing to ask someone on a dating app. I'm sorry you came across that one who waited to tell you.

I had it a couple of times when I didnt ask and was told on a date only. So now I decided I need to ask. Just thinking if it is appropriate in the first message. I don't really want to invest much time in the conversation from one side but from another asking bluntly is a bit too much.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Marka said:

I had it a couple of times when I didnt ask and was told on a date only. So now I decided I need to ask. Just thinking if it is appropriate in the first message. I don't really want to invest much time in the conversation from one side but from another asking bluntly is a bit too much.

I wouldn't ask in a first message. It would come across that you're bitter or have something against these individuals. Many may still be having ongoing custody issues or aren't completely divorced or separated. You get to an age where it's more prudent to be assuming that most have children and someone who doesn't have children is more of an anomaly. I'd focus on establishing some rapport and then asking a little later, maybe even a few minutes later. 

You may be experiencing burn out from the dating apps so take breaks too.

[BrinnM]

17 minutes ago, Marka said:

when I didnt ask and was told on a date only. So now I decided I need to ask.

Well if this is a deal-breaker for you, definitely ask right away when they're messaging you. As soon as possible. Tell them you didn't see that info anywhere on their profile, and just ask. Saves you and them a lot of time. You don't have to explain why, either. 

[Ami1uwant]

29 minutes ago, Marka said:

Yes, they messaged. Just standard stuff about weekend etc. 

On hinge I stated that I don't have kids. I don't mind having my own kids with a right person but I am not a type of person who will be able to accept not my own child unfortunately.  There is no option to put bio in Hinge only prompts. I would feel weird writing no kids in prompt.

On bumble it says that I don't have kids and looking for the same. Nonetheless it took one guy a week and a half of chatting with me before admitting he has 5 year old daughter with joint custody. He said he saw the line in my profile but apparently decided to try anyway.

Problem with this in dating sites are two many options.

 

one is I don’t have and don’t want vs I have kids they are off at college or moved out and don’t want or I don’t have kids living a5 home but I do have occasional custody and pay child support.

 

i could go on.

 

what is the core issue with you and kids?

 

[Gaeta]

It's a deal breaker, you ask right away, why wasting both your time? 

* l'm great thanks! By the way, do you have children? I'm looking for someone childless so don't want to waste your time if you're a parent*

Done!

Put it in your profile

Edited May 7, 2022 by Gaeta

[Marka]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

what is the core issue with you and kids?

 

I dont like kids. They annoy me. I may be able to tolerate if a man has son 20+yo but I dont date in this age category. I don't have my own, not sure if I would want in the future, will depend on a guy. I understand that I may sound as a b**** but it is what it is.

[Ami1uwant]

42 minutes ago, Marka said:

I dont like kids. They annoy me. I may be able to tolerate if a man has son 20+yo but I dont date in this age category. I don't have my own, not sure if I would want in the future, will depend on a guy. I understand that I may sound rude but it is what it is.

Put it in your profile.

 

i don’t want to deal with kids.

Edited May 7, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Marka]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

* l'm great thanks! By the way, do you have children? I'm looking for someone childless so don't want to waste your time if you're a parent*

 

thank you. will you take this question okay if asked in first or second message? I know people get rejected a lot on apps because they have kids, I don't really want to make them feel unwanted because of my preference. 

[Marka]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

Put it in your profile.

 

i don’t want to deal with kids.

I have it on my profile on bumble. Still men omit this fact by silence. 

On hinge I cannot put it at all as it doesn't have bio section. It offers options re having kids in the future which I filled as unsure as I am not sure if I want to have them, maybe I will with a right person. 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Marka said:

thank you. will you take this question okay if asked in first or second message? I know people get rejected a lot on apps because they have kids, I don't really want to make them feel unwanted because of my preference. 

Ask it in a polite way, if they feel rejected it's not your problem, it's online dating and rejection is part of it. If they get back to you with a rude comment then block them. You don't owe anything to anyone on there.

Edited May 7, 2022 by Gaeta

[chillii]

When you start talking in any way just ask, most women wouldn't hesitate. it's only natural to want to know about their situation and if you don't have any it's fair enough you'd rather he didn't too. Maybe you could even just put that on your profile while your at it.

Edited May 7, 2022 by chillii

[ShyViolet]

Just simply ask.  It's not a weird or bad thing to ask.  Maybe don't ask in the FIRST message, but work it into the first conversation.

[glows]

I'm going to suggest something and it may be tweaking the way you view the app in general, if that helps. The apps Hinge and Bumble are designed to take in any or all candidates so you're wading through a large pool of people. The chances are that you run into several individuals who test your boundaries or decide to disregard your preferences is pretty high. 

I'd let those experiences of people not respecting your preferences or wishes roll off your back. Don't internalize that and start treating everyone else as if they may deceive you. Relax a bit and work that kids question somewhere in the first conversation. It doesn't matter if it's the second, third or fourth message but somewhere within the first few minutes would be appropriate. You don't need to feel bad about asking and forget the ones who didn't care to respect your wishes the first time around. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Marka said:

Yes, they messaged. Just standard stuff about weekend etc. 

On hinge I stated that I don't have kids. I don't mind having my own kids with a right person but I am not a type of person who will be able to accept not my own child unfortunately.  There is no option to put bio in Hinge only prompts. I would feel weird writing no kids in prompt.

On bumble it says that I don't have kids and looking for the same. Nonetheless it took one guy a week and a half of chatting with me before admitting he has 5 year old daughter with joint custody. He said he saw the line in my profile but apparently decided to try anyway.

Have some patience. Meet asap. Telling you about kids after 10 days of just cchatting is not that horrible. You didn't even have to leave the house for a cup of coffee.

  What you don't want is single dads so be crystal clear on that. What age group are you looking at?

It's fine to ask about children sooner rather than later. So if you want more efficient dating, simply ask within a couple messages.

[chillii]

13 hours ago, chillii said:

When you start talking in any way just ask, most women wouldn't hesitate. it's only natural to want to know about their situation and if you don't have any it's fair enough you'd rather he didn't too. Maybe you could even just put that on your profile while your at it.

ps , Just for future reference with any other sites l mean, nothing wrong with be specific it should at least narrow it down.

[dramafreezone]

 

17 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's a deal breaker, you ask right away, why wasting both your time? 

* l'm great thanks! By the way, do you have children? I'm looking for someone childless so don't want to waste your time if you're a parent*

Done!

Put it in your profile

Well this will certainly weed out a lot of the men with kids, so mission accomplished.

That said OP, there are always pros and cons to every approach.  You will weed out a lot of guys with kids, but you may turn off some guys without kids that don't feel like a question like that is appropriate so early on.  But that is a price you'd have to pay to avoid the guys with kids.  There is no perfect filter question to get all of what you want and none of what you don't want.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Marka said:

 i d feel weird to ask in a first message: do you have kids?

Why? It's a basic question. You don't have to comment but armed with the information you can curtail the chitchat sooner and not agree to meeting. 

[BaileyB]

What about an open ended question - “tell me a little about yourself?” Offer the same info - tell him about your job, what you do for fun, your family, etc… be subtle at first and more direct if he doesn’t offer the information. Reply to his comments - “That’s a great job!! I hope you have nice coworkers. I have a brother, just like you. He lives nearby and he has three children. I’m curious, have you ever been married? Do you have any children?” It seems that you can get this information rather easily by initiating a bit of conversation with the man… I’ve dated a lot - I’ve never had a problem asking this question or getting this information from a man. 

Edited May 8, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What about an open ended question - “tell me a little about yourself?” Offer the same info - tell him about your job, what you do for fun, your family, etc… be subtle at first and more direct if he doesn’t offer the information. Reply to his comments - “That’s a great job!! I hope you have nice coworkers. I have a brother, just like you. He lives nearby and he has three children. I’m curious, have you ever been married? Do you have any children?” It seems that you can get this information rather easily by initiating a bit of conversation with the man… I’ve dated a lot - I’ve never had a problem asking this question or getting this information from a man. 

I like this. 

There's really no wrong way to this aside from blurting it out in a first message as that seems awkward. 

Edited May 8, 2022 by glows

[salparadise]

18 hours ago, Marka said:

thank you. will you take this question okay if asked in first or second message? I know people get rejected a lot on apps because they have kids, I don't really want to make them feel unwanted because of my preference. 

In our society we are accustomed to exchanging a few pleasantries before getting down to serious negotiations. If I had a woman asking qualifying questions in a first message, they'll get either a smart-assed reply or unmatched. I'd suggest third or fourth message at least, and even then make is sound like a get-to-know you rather than a qualifier.

 

Edited May 8, 2022 by salparadise