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Worried about the way D-I-L treats grandson


WhereToStart

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WhereToStart

I have joined this community to get opinions on this topic.

My daughter in law has children from a previous marriage, and a child with her new husband, who is my son.

The concern I have is how she constantly, everytime I'm around her is putting my son down. She says he's messy, never does this or that, is bad at this, said he was going to do  something but didn't etc. You get the picture. She also says these things to other friends family and complete strangers. This is everytime I see her.

But, more concerning to me, is she has started to do this with their son as well. He is a young child, under age 2. He is 21 months old today. I hear her say "I wish could send him back" almost everytime I'm around them. Recently she started saying "I wish I could send " it" back." Or just "Send it back" she does seem to truly not want to be around him but at the same time she acts as if she's joking, in away. I am concerned this type of behavior wil be and could already be damaging to him, and was hoping to get some thoughts from others.

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24 minutes ago, WhereToStart said:

everytime I'm around her is putting my son down. She says he's messy, never does this or that, is bad at this, said he was going to do  something but didn't etc. she does seem to truly not want to be around him but at the same time she acts as if she's joking, in away. 

How long have they been married? How old is your son?

She seems exasperated. Both with their marriage and hectic child rearing. Stay out of their marriage. However speak with your son about helping out more around the home and with the children. Try to visit less often. Invite them over instead. Offer to babysit more so they have more alone time and things are less hectic for them.

Edited by Wiseman2
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18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have they been married? How old is your son?

She seems exasperated. Both with their marriage and hectic child rearing. Stay out of their marriage. However speak with your son about helping out more around the home and with the children. Try to visit less often. Invite them over instead. Offer to babysit more so they have more alone time and things are less hectic for them.

The second part of what you quoted is about the child not the husband.

My son does a lot of the chores around the house, I would say most of them so talking to him about that wouldn't make sense. I dont take sides between them, and as a matter of fact he never ever complains about her to me and I have never shared these concerns I have with him.

I do offer to babysit and do so quite often. I try to ease their stress as I know it is stressful to raise children, I've been there. However saying I wish I hadn't had one of the children is something I would have never said. The reason I have come here to ask for advice, is because I make it a practice to stay out of their marriage. I've held my tongue but am concerned about the mother saying in front of the child, that she wishes she could send him back. A child might feel that a mother does not want him if he hears that everyday. I'm concerned that it could make him feel unwanted and I hope it doesn't.

Edited by WhereToStart
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7 minutes ago, WhereToStart said:

A child might feel that a mother does not want him if he hears that everyday. I'm concerned that it could make him feel unwanted and I hope it doesn't.

Unfortunately you need to talk to your son about their child rearing habits. Apparently he married her, had a child with her and is on board with it. If you intervene, or worse accuse your grandchild's mother of some type of verbal abuse or poor mothering, you will alienate your son. If you do not like her or her mothering step away.

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10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you need to talk to your son about their child rearing habits. Apparently he married her, had a child with her and is on board with it. If you intervene, or worse accuse your grandchild's mother of some type of verbal abuse or poor mothering, you will alienate your son. If you do not like her or her mothering step away.

Thank you for your advice.

 As I already said, I have never talked to him about it. But I feel you are saying I'm incorrect to be concerned about this? Or you think I'm interfering in someway?

And let me clarify, I never said I don't like her, I love her! But concerned about this. Concerned for both her and the child. The fact she's feeling that way makes me concerned for her too. Baby is my main concern though, as he relies on the parents to care for him.

 

Edited by WhereToStart
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I agree that she sounds overwhelmed and frustrated.  Next time she vents, I don't think it would be out of line for you to simply say something like "You're sounding very frustrated.  Are you OK?" 

Alternately, if you speak to your son, you could say much the same thing about her sounding frustrated and ask if everything is OK.

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16 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I agree that she sounds overwhelmed and frustrated.  Next time she vents, I don't think it would be out of line for you to simply say something like "You're sounding very frustrated.  Are you OK?" 

Alternately, if you speak to your son, you could say much the same thing about her sounding frustrated and ask if everything is OK.

Thank you for that. Maybe it is stress. I know she must be, she has also had to deal with her father's sudden death a few years ago from a heart attack, and then her younger brother who is special needs had such a hard time that he has started acting out.

If there is a practical way to help other than babysitting, helping with housework, but I can't really think of how else to help. Their 2 older girls who are 10(twins)are very well behaved so that does help 🙂

 

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