Stupid for falling in love with a younger woman? SMH

[lovestruck62]

I don't even know where to start.  I never post in forums.  I don't have anyone to talk to about this, so I thought I would throw it out there.  First of all, I am a 60 year old man (something hard for me to admit).  I don't look it.  Most say I look and act 40-ish.  I am active.  I run several businesses.  I play in a rock band.  I mean - I am probably an oddity for my age.  I love life.

I need advise and Realtalk.

For many years I was involved in a relationship that was, for lack of a better term, loveless.  Not in the aspect that there wasn't love - at least stated - but no passion, no life, basically very little of anything.  So, I threw myself into my work, like most guys do, to avoid having to think about the love (or the FEELING) of love that was not there.  This resulted in me not really looking for anyone.  There was an occasional date here and there, and there have most definitely been women who have wanted me - both younger and older - but nothing really captured my attention, and I think I was really just numb.

That is, until last year, when "she" came into my life.

We were working on opening a new business, and having employee orientation.  And there she was.  Something about her immediately caught my attention.  I was drawn to her immediately.  She was beautiful, young.  Her smile lit up the room, and her eyes smiled along with her big smile.  There were a lot of attractive women in that room, but all I could see was her.

Me being a guy who would never cross the line, I never hit on her or anything like that.  I was always professional, and we engaged in small talk at work now and then, but that was about it.  I was of course extremely intrigued, but I still did not act upon my attraction to her.

Well a month or so later, I found out she had quit her job.  I was very sad to hear that.  She was a bright spot in a sea of mediocrity.  

Flash forward to December.  It was a Sunday night and was just randomly going through my computer, and a message popped up in Facebook.  I had to look twice - it was her!  She reached out to see how I was doing, and of course I was careful in my reply, and stated that I was well, yada yada.  Well, it turned into the both of us deciding to meet for a drink.  It was really hard to believe - my stomach had butterflies I had not felt in decades.  Like twisted!

I ended up picking her up at her house, and taking her to a bar/restaurant not far away.  I was so nervous on the ride, I can't even recall what we discussed, but I do remember being very impressed at how mature she was for her 23 years of age.  Yes - super young - but also having raised a special needs brother, and basically serve as a counselor to her divorced parents who behaved like teenagers.  I was blown away, in short.  Upon arrival at the bar, we were in the parking lot, and it was like I was not even in control of myself - I reach out to her, and we kissed.  Not only did she return the kiss, but it was long, deep and passionate, and she held me close as we kissed.  It was truly amazing.  We went into the bar and had a blast, sitting at the bar, having a couple of drinks and talking to each other.   [over time, our sexual intimacy increased and it was amazing]

I really didn't know what to think and at the time I was thinking that I was a very lucky guy to have met a girl like this.  Old soul, young spirit, and we started spending more and more time together - usually a couple times a week.  She lived a long way from me, so we would meet in the middle, many times getting a hotel so we could stay together.  We started getting tighter and tighter and despite my uncertainty about our age difference, things were just amazing.  I ended up taking her on a couple of trips with me where we became much closer.  I have of course helped her with small things - school tuition, getting her car repaired, etc - nothing real big, and something that she didn't ask for.  I volunteered.  This had never been a money situation or a sugar daddy thing.  In fact, I made clear that I did not want that in a relationship.  She told me she had fallen for me and loved me.  And, of course - I had done something I told myself I would never do:  I fell for her, hook, line and sinker, to a depth that I can't recall feeling in most of my adult life.  She really messed me up.  

So over the next few months, we continued to see each other.  Sometimes though, she would disappear and I wouldn't hear from her for a day or two.  She would emerge and had told me when she gets stressed and depressed, that she would do this.  She has depression, but she does not take meds for it.  I knew about this because my mom also suffered from it, which was sometimes debilitating.   But contributing to her depression and anxiety was her family matters.  Her mom is an alcoholic and her dad is mean and apparently abusive (not sexually).  They live in separate homes, and for a girl her age, she has a lot of responsibility shuttling back and forth an hour an a half so that each can visit her brother - the special needs kid.  Basically they put all this on her because they don't want to deal with it.  Its really sad.

Well, lately this has gotten worse.  Whereas we used to see each other a couple times a week, it has dropped to maybe once a week.  And, in certain places, she doesn't want to hold hands or appear affectionate, on account she doesn't want her parents to find out because I am so much older (again even tho I don't look it).  I am probably the same age if not older than her parents.  So this really stresses her out.  And, many times, we will make plans, just to have her cancel on me.  I've been really cool about it but last week I finally talked to her and explained that I am a busy guy, and that my time is important and that I have to move things around so we can see each other.  I am truly at her beck and call - I have told her, and she knows, I would do anything for her.  I really do love her that much.  She briefly got upset about that but then was Ok, and we had a great evening.  We texted each other all the next day and then had been planning to see each other the following day, 5ish or so.  Well, as I had done before, I got us a room halfway and we were to meet up there.  I got there around five and for her, it turned into 6, then 7, then 8, and finally, 8:45.  Obviously I was not happy having to wait, but I missed her and was glad to see her.  Somehow or another we ended up getting in a conversation about the situation and that her life and everything is stressing her out, and that our relationship - and having to keep that separate from her family - was a huge thing to her.  Long story short, she got more upset, told me she "can't do this" (meaning US), and we both went to our respective homes.  I'm not lying, my heart was (and is) completely crushed.

Yesterday, she texted me and apologized for the way things happened, and that she is open to talk.  We exchanged a few brief texts, which seemed positive.  The last I heard from her was last night.  I have texted her today and so far have heard nothing.   And we are supposed to go out of town tomorrow night.

I know I am probably really stupid.  I didn't think this would maybe last forever, but the connection we have had has been amazing, and it has been far more deep than just sex or whatever.  I have treated her with the utmost of respect and love, and have been there for her literally every time she has needed it.  I would do anything for her.   I've not felt this crushed in years, and it reminds me of why I chose not to wear my heart on my sleeve.  At this point I have no idea what is going to happen.  My thought is that if there is real love, then anything can be overcome.  I hope that is true.  But in the meantime, I really just don't know what to do.  It is like all of a sudden the rug has been pulled completely out from under me.  I did not think I would feel love like that again.  I'm devastated.   Yes - life will go on, but for the time being, I am at a loss, and do not know what to do.

Thanks for listening.  I know I am a fool.

Edited May 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed intimate descriptions

[Wiseman2]

Are either of you married/in a relationship?

[basil67]

Unfortunately you lost touch with reality and were chasing a fantasy.  Given her age and obvious discomfort about being discovered by her parents, it was only ever going to be a fling and I'm sure that deep down, you would know this.   Wish her well on her journey which will eventually involve a man who she will love and marry and have babies with and enjoy a long life together.

Also, I'm in your age group. I know quite a number of old rockers.  Go and find some more to play with and perhaps find a cute 50yo at a gig. 

[lovestruck62]

No... I was previously, and so was she but neither of us has been during this time (other than with each other).  

To add more color to it, she worries a lot about her family, especially what her father would do.  I told her that if her dad wants to kick my ass for being nothing but good to her then so be it.  If I were a parent I would want my kid to love whoever they want especially if they love each other and that kid was taking care of.  But she is a grown woman, too, and must make decisions based on her own feelings.  

[lovestruck62]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Unfortunately you lost touch with reality and were chasing a fantasy.  Given her age and obvious discomfort about being discovered by her parents, it was only ever going to be a fling and I'm sure that deep down, you would know this.   Wish her well on her journey which will eventually involve a man who she will love and marry and have babies with and enjoy a long life together.

Also, I'm in your age group. I know quite a number of old rockers.  Go and find some more to play with and perhaps find a cute 50yo at a gig. 

I know you are probably right.  I was naive and let my guard down.  She really got to me.  I always had in the back of my mind that it probably would not last, but I didn't expect it to fall apart this quickly.  I mean, she had an ex who was completely abusive to her, and for the first time in her life, she had someone she could really count on rock solid (me) even including family who were never there for her.   It just hurts man.  

[John Glasby]

I can sympathize, as I'm 50 and the girl who just broke up with me after 4.5 years is 38. Not the same age difference, but significant. I think it's a special kind of hurt when we lose a younger partner at our age. There's a certain feeling that we'll never have anything like that again and it induces a pain/anxiety kind of thing. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's hard.

John

[glows]

8 hours ago, lovestruck62 said:

No... I was previously, and so was she but neither of us has been during this time (other than with each other).  

To add more color to it, she worries a lot about her family, especially what her father would do.  I told her that if her dad wants to kick my ass for being nothing but good to her then so be it.  If I were a parent I would want my kid to love whoever they want especially if they love each other and that kid was taking care of.  But she is a grown woman, too, and must make decisions based on her own feelings.  

She did make a decision based on her own feelings. She feels stressed out and can't juggle what's going on versus family commitments. Listen carefully to what she's telling you and tread just as carefully when you're discussing someone's family or the way they aren't able to handle ongoing commitments while in a relationship with you. These are all signs that you're both NOT compatible at all. She is telling you everything you need to know to understand what's going on and come to terms with why the relationship ended. 

I understand you're hurt but take a breather and time out, let the break up sink in a bit as things are still quite raw. You will get over this and both of you deserve to be with partners and in relationships that do not involve great amounts of grief or stress. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this always had an expiration date on it, OP. 

She is, by your own admission, young enough to be your daughter. While you're both adults and occasionally such significant age gaps do work, there is a reason why they usually don't. When you're a generation apart, you are bound to be in very different places in your lives. You have different life experiences behind you (or not yet, in her case), and different perspectives and priorities. 

Her parents may indeed be uncomfortable with the age difference if they found out, but I think she is uncomfortable with it too and doesn't know how to tell you that. Maybe it wasn't an issue when things were new and fun and not too serious, but it concerns her when she thinks about getting more serious and settling down for the longer term. 

As such, I would cancel this plan:

9 hours ago, lovestruck62 said:

And we are supposed to go out of town tomorrow night.

There is no point, and it will hurt you further to spend time with her when she's already told you that it's over for her. 

Try not to be too hard on yourself. It wasn't a great idea exploring a relationship with someone this much younger than you, but you are human and got caught up in your feelings. You can take the lesson learned here and avoid such situation in the future. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, lovestruck62 said:

 as I had done before, I got us a room halfway and we were to meet up there. 

Why do you meet at hotels? Did she run away from home? Have drug problems? Or try to have a sugar baby relationship with you? 

This was a fleeting escapade trying to recapture some youth. 

Edited May 9, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, lovestruck62 said:

Most say I look and act 40-ish.  I am active.  I run several businesses.  I play in a rock band.  I mean - I am probably an oddity for my age.  I love life.

And this is great for a woman in her 40s - 60s but still to a 23 year old 40 is considered old.  I agree that as time went on she became uncomfortable with the age difference and not just because of her family.  I don't doubt that she cares a great deal for you but there are a few generations between you and as time goes on it will become more and more obvious.  Also I know it's hard to go back to dating around your age when you've had a 23 year old but with time you'll be okay.  Be glad it didn't go on longer because the longer you are with her the harder it would be to let go.

[mark clemson]

Let her go. She's come to realize you're not the right partner for her. At a high level that's just like any other break-up.

You sound like one of these so called "sigma males" that is generally happy on their own. Unfortunately, it didn't work out with the person you did fall for/bond with.

These things happen. The good news is that you can probably have another woman if you want one. It sounds like you may not be overly interested - c'est la vie. The bottom line though is that you have essentially no other choice than to take the time to process this emotionally and move on with your life (with a new relationship or no).

You can stay her friend/be supportive if you wish + think you can handle it (in terms of how emotional it will be for you). However, doing so is IMO unlikely to help you get over her - a "clean break" approach is likely to be faster, although it will still take a while I suspect.

[lovestruck62]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why do you meet at hotels? Did she run away from home? Have drug problems? Or try to have a sugar baby relationship with you? 

This was a fleeting escapade trying to recapture some youth. 

It was just convenience because we lived so far apart (two different cities - about 120m difference.  Not terrible.  She has no drug issues at all, did not run away but I know she had a rough upbringing with parents continually fighting.   She certainly wasn't looking for a sugar baby thing (at least I don't think so) but who knows.

[salparadise]

On 5/8/2022 at 5:40 PM, lovestruck62 said:

At this point I have no idea what is going to happen.  My thought is that if there is real love, then anything can be overcome.  I hope that is true.  But in the meantime, I really just don't know what to do.  It is like all of a sudden the rug has been pulled completely out from under me.  I did not think I would feel love like that again.  I'm devastated.

So you don't know that it's actually over, correct? I'd have that talk and let her know how you feel.

But she's 23 and even if a mature 23 that's young, the gap notwithstanding. Like @ExpatInItaly I'd guess that this always had an expiration date even if you were 30 instead of 50.

One of the tenets of Buddhism is that of impermanence. People, things, life itself come and go. And we don't have control, it just happens. So if it's time for her to go, let go gracefully and be appreciative that she came into your life and gave you this amazing experience. Your life is richer for having loved her passionately, and it will remain one of your fondest memories. We don't own the people we love, we just have the pleasure of their existence in our lives for as long as we do. You can grieve the loss and be thankful for having had her in your life at the same time.

I don't think you were foolish at all. We don't really choose who we're attracted to, or who generates these kinds of feelings in us. You allowed yourself to love wholeheartedly. That's saying something. Too many people miss out on the best life has to offer by trying to protect their hearts and being afraid of getting hurt. But if you can love without possessing, and let go gracefully, that's living fully.

I hope she comes back to you, but if not try a macro perspective with gratitude.

 

[lovestruck62]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

So you don't know that it's actually over, correct? I'd have that talk and let her know how you feel.

But she's 23 and even if a mature 23 that's young, the gap notwithstanding. Like @ExpatInItaly I'd guess that this always had an expiration date even if you were 30 instead of 50.

One of the tenets of Buddhism is that of impermanence. People, things, life itself come and go. And we don't have control, it just happens. So if it's time for her to go, let go gracefully and be appreciative that she came into your life and gave you this amazing experience. Your life is richer for having loved her passionately, and it will remain one of your fondest memories. We don't own the people we love, we just have the pleasure of their existence in our lives for as long as we do. You can grieve the loss and be thankful for having had her in your life at the same time.

I don't think you were foolish at all. We don't really choose who we're attracted to, or who generates these kinds of feelings in us. You allowed yourself to love wholeheartedly. That's saying something. Too many people miss out on the best life has to offer by trying to protect their hearts and being afraid of getting hurt. But if you can love without possessing, and let go gracefully, that's living fully.

I hope she comes back to you, but if not try a macro perspective with gratitude.

 

Thank you for the kind words and advice. Honestly I don't know if it's over.  It was left in a really weird state.  And she does this thing where when she gets overwhelmed she basically disappears.  So I'm getting no communication at all.  I'm hoping she will come out of that and talk to me.  I do of course realize she is just 23 and take that into consideration.  I am so very grateful for her coming into my life for sure.  I always thought there could be an expiration date but not so soon.  It stings.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, lovestruck62 said:

 I do of course realize she is just 23 and take that into consideration

This is important - she is at that point in her life where she's unlikely to settle down with one man forever. 

She's going to have more boyfriends before that happens. It's the way things often go for folks in their 20s. It doesn't make sense to keep seeing each other when it's already hitting the skids. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, lovestruck62 said:

.

 

On 5/8/2022 at 5:40 PM, lovestruck62 said:

 I have of course helped her with small things - school tuition, getting her car repaired, etc - nothing real big, and something that she didn't ask for.  

Unfortunately this does sound a bit like a sugar daddy type of thing.