Flirted for weeks then denied - let me get over it!

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, Alvi said:

Curious why you didn't get another trainer or complained about this guy. Well, this is just downright inappropriate.

Because she was flattered. He is hot and she is out of shape and unhappy in her marriage. She wanted to have a relationship with him - more than sex, she went so far as to imagine that they were soulmates. 

The fitting and inappropriate touching you didn’t imagine OP. The thought that you were soulmates and that this would turn into an actual relationship seems to little more than a creation of your imagination…

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

There must have been a very different trigger which changed his course of events. A trigger from the “caution/warning/brain” zone and not from the “romance/attraction/sex” zone.

Maybe he got the sense that she was interested in something more serious - that she felt a soulmate connection… and that’s not what he was looking for, at all. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Maybe he got the sense that she was interested in something more serious - that she felt a soulmate connection… and that’s not what he was looking for, at all. 

Agree. All male doctors have a female nurse/assistant in the room during exams for this reason. Accusations of "touching" etc. It's not uncommon for some people to have a crush on professionals. However accusing a professional of soliciting an affair, being sexual inappropriate, etc. is a serious matter. It's not 

[mark clemson]

I strongly suspect that what @BaileyB said above summarizes your situation quite accurately.

There is little point in casting aspersions on you or him - what's done is done.

To help you move on, you'll want to make a firm commitment mentally to do just that - move on. Focus on getting on with the rest of your life.

You could consider researching "doing the 180" and attempting to apply it. It's (IMO) an effective bit of applied psychology in the vein of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's usually used for people who are divorcing and/or being divorced, but it might also prove helpful to you in your efforts to be over this.

[Maylady]

It sounds like he was simply trying to build you up to try and help you along with your fitness goals.  You fantasized about something that wasn't there.

[glows]

I think the OP is more or less over it. She was just venting.

In regards to closure, that comes from ending your current relationship and then dating single men when you're ready, preferably ones you don't pay to do a job.

[Will am I]

2 hours ago, Maylady said:

It sounds like he was simply trying to build you up to try and help you along with your fitness goals.  You fantasized about something that wasn't there.

Not too sure about that.

Complimenting a woman on her looks is deep in the risky zone, but when weight loss is a fitness goal I presume it could be benign.

But we read on this topic that he was also checking her out on social media, venting to her about his unhappy marriage etc. These are signals that have very little to do with helping a client reach her fitness goals.

I totally feel this must have been flirting and not even the “benign” kind of flirting.

 

For me the only speculation is why he suddenly turned around from the behaviour and denied everything retroactively.

Maybe he didn’t like the “soulmate” concept and got scared that she wanted a much deeper relationship. Open for flirting and dating but not for real relationships. Possible, but why turn around so suddenly and dramatically?

The other theory is that he got in trouble over the flirting. Job, wife, I don’t know.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

We we’re like soulmates - I know that sounds a bit crazy, I didn’t believe in soulmates til I met him.

This is where I think you got really carried away in your feelings, OP. 

The truth is that you don't know this man very well. You know him as your trainer, yes, and you know he gets a little cozy with clients. You know he likes to banter and flirt. But soulmates? It doesn't appear you know him on any deep level. You know only bits and pieces. I don't think the flirting was all in your head, but I do think the notion of being soulmates with a man you'd never so much as been on a date with is your loneliness and unhappiness seeing things for a lot more than they really are. Can you name his closest family member? His oldest friend? Pick out his favourite brand of coffee? Identify his biggest values in life? His most painful moments? Know which parent he most resembles, and which one he most admires? I am guessing you don't really know the answer to any of those questions. And my point in asking is to urge you to understand that for most intents and purposes, he's just an acquaintance. Not someone you know anywhere near well enough to determine he's your soulmate. 

As for him shutting you down swiftly and completely - well, that's a significant risk when you're playing footsie with a married man. Most aren't out there looking for soulmates, but rather some side fun. So when they think the other person has developed feelings and an attachment? They bail so fast your head spins. 

[Whatonearth2022]

8 hours ago, Will am I said:

Guy perspective. That personal trainer was definitely flirting.

And it was also way beyond the harmless flirting that’s only intended to make you both feel better (like smiling at someone passing by, with zero intention of asking for phone numbers).

He was getting close, touching, checking social media, showing interest in your skills, opening up about his private life, giving hints that he’s available. This was how relationships start, probably also how affairs start.

What happened? I can only guess. My best guess is that his wife checked his social media activity and saw one name appear a little too frequent. Clearly he chickened out.

 

In response to some of the earlier replies saying that he chickened out just before things got real… I don’t believe that. If you flirt with a woman and you find out she is opening up to your advances, hormones will peak and caution will fade. There must have been a very different trigger which changed his course of events. A trigger from the “caution/warning/brain” zone and not from the “romance/attraction/sex” zone. That’s why I guessed that he got in trouble with his wife

A comment that makes sense and reflects my own thoughts.

thank you 

[Whatonearth2022]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is where I think you got really carried away in your feelings, OP. 

The truth is that you don't know this man very well. You know him as your trainer, yes, and you know he gets a little cozy with clients. You know he likes to banter and flirt. But soulmates? It doesn't appear you know him on any deep level. You know only bits and pieces. I don't think the flirting was all in your head, but I do think the notion of being soulmates with a man you'd never so much as been on a date with is your loneliness and unhappiness seeing things for a lot more than they really are. Can you name his closest family member? His oldest friend? Pick out his favourite brand of coffee? Identify his biggest values in life? His most painful moments? Know which parent he most resembles, and which one he most admires? I am guessing you don't really know the answer to any of those questions. And my point in asking is to urge you to understand that for most intents and purposes, he's just an acquaintance. Not someone you know anywhere near well enough to determine he's your soulmate. 

As for him shutting you down swiftly and completely - well, that's a significant risk when you're playing footsie with a married man. Most aren't out there looking for soulmates, but rather some side fun. So when they think the other person has developed feelings and an attachment? They bail so fast your head spins. 

Yea he told me he wasn’t really close to his family , more his wife’s.

his fave coffee was Azero.

he doesn’t look like either of his parents which he let me know

he prefers to shop at cheap places rather blow on expensive brands 

his oldest friend tattooed a stockman on his toe, which he showed me

he used to be in a wheelchair from age 11, his biggest achievement was escaping that and learning to walk again

he hasn’t got any aspirations to grow his business further 

 

We spoke.

a lot.

 

[basil67]

He's quite the over-sharer isn't he!

[BaileyB]

50 minutes ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

We spoke.

a lot.

We hear that.

It doesn’t change the fact that he ended your relationship. 

Do you need someone to say - you are absolutely right! He totally led you on and you have every right to be angry that he didn’t follow through and betray/leave his wife to live happily ever after with you? Would that somehow make you feel better about yourself and this whole situation? 

[Lotsgoingon]

I gotta tell you OP: feeling like I've met a soul mate--my soul-mate radar--is totally unreliable. Spectacularly unreliable.

The feeling that I've met a soul mate leaps to unjustified conclusions, it assumes and projects great qualities onto the person I've fallen hard for. That feeling doesn't know if that person is a chronic gambler or has a drinking problem or is up to their neck in deb or whether they have a history as a chronic cheater. That feeling doesn't accurately predict how someone will treat us when we're sick or if they'll honestly open up to us about what they think and feel.  That feeling doesn't say anything about whether this person will respect my interests or hobbies or the way my parents raised me.

It's weird that a strong and powerful sense of connection and rightness, in my experience, just doesn't have much validity. But we know about brain chemistry, and when that feeling occurs, it's just some brain chemical reaction and the brain isn't designed for and is incapable of accurately judging someone's character--let alone their compatibility with us-- based on interaction over a few weeks. Of course, some people get lucky and know they've met a good person right away. Unfortunately we remember these stories more than we remember all the times our early impressions proved stunningly wrong. 

I had a mentor tell me that people can hide all kinds of elements of who they really are for at least six months. He said this when at the six month mark, all kinds of problems came up with my romantic partner at the time. 

I've met people time and time again who had charisma and presence (and often beauty) that just knocked me down when I first met them. And then I see them a few weeks later--and nothing. That charisma I fell hard for is gone. Some of the most charming people I have met--people who blew me away when first meeting them--turned out to be utter jerks. Took a little time for their jerk nature to become clear.  In fact, it's to the point now where when I meet someone overwhelming charming, I sorta assume they're hiding their dark side.

Really solid people don't have to perform or charm when you first meet them. They're living their own lives and don't need that attention. Their energy is more contained and they don't need to jump quickly into closeness with anyone.

 

 

[Whatonearth2022]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

We hear that.

It doesn’t change the fact that he ended your relationship. 

Do you need someone to say - you are absolutely right! He totally led you on and you have every right to be angry that he didn’t follow through and betray/leave his wife to live happily ever after with you? Would that somehow make you feel better about yourself and this whole situation? 

I never wanted anything from him. A quickie in the massage room would’ve done .

Im trying to clarify that I wasn’t seeing things and I acted based on the feelings projected to me.

I spent the first 6 weeks in disbelief that this guy was showing me interest.

It was something I never imagined ever.

I clarified with a friend his actions and they too said it appears he’s into me.

that’s all I wanted. Clarifying that I’ve not made this stuff up.

I could’ve dealt with it better 💯 but I didn’t and now pay the price however that was all.

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

A quickie in the massage room would’ve done .

^^ this is wanting something.

One of the things I've learned over the years is that flirting shouldn't have the expectation of sex or any other fooling around.  Not even hard core flirting.  Some people just love a good flirt and leave it there.   If you engage in flirting with someone who's in a relationship, enjoy the journey, but don't go expecting to get to a destination.

[RebeccaR]

48 minutes ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

I clarified with a friend his actions and they too said it appears he’s into me.

that’s all I wanted. Clarifying that I’ve not made this stuff up.

I could’ve dealt with it better 💯 but I didn’t and now pay the price however that was all.

If you already checked with a friend, why are you asking a bunch of internet strangers who don’t know you and haven’t seen all the texts? I’m really wondering what the point of this thread is.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

A quickie in the massage room would’ve done .

You're fooling yourself if you think this would've sufficed for you. 

You got attached. If you two had had sex, you would've been in even bigger trouble because I guarantee it would've left with even bigger googly-eyes than you already had - and it would've hurt that much worse when we pulled back. 

[Whatonearth2022]

4 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

If you already checked with a friend, why are you asking a bunch of internet strangers who don’t know you and haven’t seen all the texts? I’m really wondering what the point of this thread is.

Because I want to 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

 it appears he’s into me.

that’s all I wanted. 

This is really what you wanted to hear and believe. That a personal trainer you thought was "hot" found you attractive.

Well hopefully you've found another gym and fitness trainer. The trainer who discharged you and refunded your money did the right thing once you came on to him with the "I think you're hot" text.

You'll believe whatever you want to even though nothing mentioned indicated he was inappropriate. In some way you do realize this was more fiction than fact.

 

[Whatonearth2022]

Update

 

had a Snapchat from him.

his wife trawled his phone.

he acted to protect that.

everything I felt and saw was correct.

he shouldn’t have done any of it.

his feelings for me were real, just wrong time wrong place scenario. He said the connection were like we’d known each other forever and a day and he had to change so quickly because she knew by the way he was acting.

now I don’t feel so bad and can move on. 

thanks for the feedback all. 

[BaileyB]

deleted. 

Edited May 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Ryan Schaeffer said:

In other words, he got busted. It's his wife I feel sorry for; if she has to resort to trawling his phone, there is no trust at all. Stay a while in the shadows, this cake-eater may not yet be done with you. 

Why would she want to do this when there is no future for her there.  He's a married man.  For God's sake make better choices for yourself instead of dead end deals.

[Will am I]

19 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

I never wanted anything from him. A quickie in the massage room would’ve done .

Im trying to clarify that I wasn’t seeing things and I acted based on the feelings projected to me.

I spent the first 6 weeks in disbelief that this guy was showing me interest.

It was something I never imagined ever.

Turned out your intuition was right. He was totally into you.

My intuition was also correct. He chickened out because his wife checked his phone and he got in trouble.

You may have your reasons for wanting this man, but I believe you may also have have some self esteem issues. 

A quickie in the massage room. With a married man. A man who clearly has no intention to leave his wife. And doesn’t show a lot of bravery either in how he handled getting in trouble with his wife.

You would be selling yourself so short. 

My advise would be to work on your self esteem. Fitness and weight loss can be parts of that process, but don’t step over the psychological side. You deserve to be with someone who commits to you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Will am I said:

My advise would be to work on your self esteem. Fitness and weight loss can be parts of that process, but don’t step over the psychological side. You deserve to be with someone who commits to you. 

I agree with all of this, and she also needs to definitively end her current relationship, too. 

OP isn't single either. 

[Will am I]

Good that you bring that up, @ExpatInItaly.

My responses so far have been focused on the personal trainer's behavour and not so much on OP's situation.

I reread the first post and indeed: "unhappy partnership", "10 years", "2 kids".

 

Turning to OP @Whatonearth2022: 

What you need before anything is a Iist of what you truly want. I guess these are your options in random order:

(a) be with your current partner in a continuation of your current relationship

(b) be with your partner in your current relationship and see somebody on the side

(c) be with your current partner in a better relationship

(d) be alone, and maybe at one point in the future with another partner that you don't know yet

(e) be with your personal trainer --> sorry it this hurts your feelings, but forget this scenario. his behaviour makes it so clear that he will always run back to his wife and you will never be more than an OW. 

 

What happened in the gym, was you slowly moving from (a) to (b), but not in a premeditated and deliberate manner. Not judging you, I am all too familiar with that process where boundaries start shifting and romantic feelings start taking over. But the outcomes can be so much better if we approach that process with in a more intelligent manner. Now that the flirting stopped, hopefully there is sufficient clarity in your head.

You should be able to order that a/b/c/d list from most favorite (1) to least favorite (4) scenario. When you have your personal ordered 1/2/3/4 list, it will automatically show you your best course of action.

The previous post said quite bluntly "end your current relationship" but I believe that still depends on the list.

 

 

P.S. women gain weight when they have babies. Fact of life.

Obviously you need to look after your health, once overweight becomes obese it's in the medical spectrum and  you should follow your doctor's advice. Also there's nothing wrong with ambition to be the best version of you. If you want to go to the gym, go to the gym. But overweight should not destroy your self esteem. You may also choose to carry the extra pounds with a certain pride, pride for giving life to two children.