Flirted for weeks then denied - let me get over it!

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

when you feel a Pts penis in your back as he ‘straightens’ you - after having several, I’d say that’s a first 🤣

also his hand adjusted my hips - extremely close to private areas… this was early on ish, I was like 😳😳

Curious why you didn't get another trainer or complained about this guy. Well, this is just downright inappropriate.

This guy sounds creepy. I think it was all fun and games for him till he realized that you actually had some real feelings for him. That made him back off pronto. Since you never complained and never told him that his words and actions are inappropriate (and perhaps welcomed and encouraged some of his advance), he was taking further and further with you. I suppose he got very close to the line but never went there. Perhaps, very last minute, he remembered that he is actually married and has kids. And that made him stop. Or perhaps his wife found out about his shenanigans. 

This is definitely not in your head and you didn't misunderstand his intentions. But it is what it is. Find another gym and another trainer.

I wonder, what would you consider the best outcome be in this situation with this guy.  Did you expect him to leave his wife and his 3 kids and start something with you? Or were you looking for an affair or some sort of distraction from your problems? Till he "dumped" you, it never crossed your mind that he is a married guy and doing some things and discussing topics with you which could be deemed as inappropriate. 

What are you upset more about? Him behaving inappropriately and leading you on or him not actually having an affair with you? I seriously think you are more upset because the affair thing didn't actually happen.

Edited May 10, 2022 by Alvi

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

when you feel a Pts penis in your back as he ‘straightens’ you - after having several, I’d say that’s a first 🤣

also his hand adjusted my hips - extremely close to private areas… this was early on ish, I was like 😳😳😳

All this in a public gym?  I'm having trouble getting my head around such overt displays in a public setting.  

[Alvi]

This is just occurred to me. This guy is a tease. He flirts, compliments, he touches. But he doesn't put out.

[Whatonearth2022]

It’s his own gym.

It’s very small - max people at a time is like 10.

yea, guess he scared himself out of anything.

We we’re like soulmates - I know that sounds a bit crazy, I didn’t believe in soulmates til I met him.

We clicked instantly and we got on like best friends straight away, we just weirdly connected on a level I’ve Never experienced before. 
that’s what made me stick.

The cause of the upset was when I turned up and he’d had a swift change and I’ve never heard someone say the word ‘mate’ more times in one sentence.

I think he bailed and tried to neutralise what had been happening and I dealt with it badly like I’d been used.

I flipped and sent the message and that’s when I got the rejection.

 

I think the night before he must’ve realised he’s gone too far with me and reigned it in.

maybe he was falling for me and crapped himself.

either way, I would’ve appreciated honesty and that’s where my anger came in.

if he’d said, yes I really like you and connect with BUT I’m married and we cannot go forth, that would’ve been better, but the complete denial and making ME sound like I’ve imagined it all in my head is what riled me up.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

I flipped and sent the message and that’s when I got the rejection.

What was the message? What was his response?

[Whatonearth2022]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the message? What was his response?

I had left training early as I was so upset with how he had changed overnight.

he messaged me saying ‘how are you MATE’.

like deliberately with the mate word 🤣

I replied, do we need to talk?

he said, I’m not sure what you mean I’m just asking if you’re ok MATE.

I replied - 

Please stop using the MATE word, it’s not signifying the weeks of connection we had.

I don’t want this discussion via message really but no choice.

please be honest with me about how u feel.

today you’re like a new man, what happened?

 

his response - I’m not sure what you’re talking about, I was just asking if you’re ok blah blah..

 

I responded maybe more than I should with;

You’ve been all over me for weeks now, we’ve connected in crazy ways etc and a few more facts.

 

his long response was completely denial.

he’s just giving a ‘friendly and welcoming’ atmosphere at the gym.

my message is misleading and luckily his wife trusts him… (I don’t think his wife sees his phone, he’s got Snapchat ffs)

that o shouldn’t come back as he won’t change ‘who he is’ and it’s not fair to the others. And he won’t have his reputation ruined etc.

 

I finished it with , ok and I’ll have a refund for next month.

he gave me it the next day.

I apologised for any trouble or problems I may have caused a couple days later, ignored.

I asked to meet so we can clear the air as messaging is just crap, ignored.

 

then I noticed a gym member had deleted me from Fb and so had he, I asked him if he’d mentioned anything to anyone at gym and he said no he hadn’t and I don’t need to be on his personal profile anymore.

then said I didn’t see the point of meeting up, the damage has been done.

 

my question was - what damage?  
also - why hasn’t he deleted me from Snapchat - still hasn’t… he only started using it when adding me and now he’s stopped using it again.

bit odd.

that’s pretty much it.

after my final WhatsApp message he blocked me and didn’t reply.

I just explained in response to his message saying my words got twisted and somehow you thought I was accusing you when all I was trying to say was that we really got on and I thought you were hot. I just summed up everything he had misunderstood.

ignored blocked.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

He messaged me saying ‘how are you MATE’.

I replied, do we need to talk?

he said, I’m not sure what you mean I’m just asking if you’re ok MATE.

I replied - 

Please stop using the MATE word, it’s not signifying the weeks of connection we had.

I don’t want this discussion via message really but no choice.

please be honest with me about how u feel.

his response - I’m not sure what you’re talking about, I was just asking if you’re ok blah blah..

Isn't the word mate common in your area as a greeting?  It's understandable he was confused by your message.

You implied that there was something going on. That's a dangerous accusation to make at a professional.

It's understandable he discharged you, refunded your money and blocked you.

He realized you completely misunderstood and misinterpreted things, so he needed to wash his hands of your insinuation that "something was going on". This "special connection" thing you implied.

A professional could lose their license with the accusations you made, when in fact nothing you described was out of the ordinary for this type of setting.

Research/ Google "de Clérambault's Syndrome"

Edited May 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Isn't the word mate common in your area as a greeting?  It's understandable he was confused by your message.

For what it's worth, the word 'mate' has many different meanings depending on tone and context.   It can be used to put someone in their place, to express amazement, pleasure, surprise, to greet, and in this case it's highly likely that in this context, he was using the word 'mate' like the word 'buddy'....to let her know that she's a friend.

 

Edited May 10, 2022 by basil67

[Whatonearth2022]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Isn't the word mate common in your area as a greeting?  It's understandable he was confused by your message.

You implied that there was something going on. That's a dangerous accusation to make at a professional.

It's understandable he discharged you, refunded your money and blocked you.

He realized you completely misunderstood and misinterpreted things, so he needed to wash his hands of your insinuation that "something was going on". This "special connection" thing you implied.

A professional could lose their license with the accusations you made, when in fact nothing you described was out of the ordinary for this type of setting.

Research/ Google "de Clérambault's Syndrome"

Ok so what you’re saying is I’m at fault for assuming the weeks of flirting and inappropriate behaviour leading to me thinking he is wanting more, possibly a fling was all in my head?

[ ] 

Edited May 10, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Whatonearth2022]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

For what it's worth, the word 'mate' has many different meanings depending on tone and context.   It can be used to put someone in their place, to express amazement, pleasure, surprise, to greet, and in this case it's highly likely that in this context, he was using the word 'mate' like the word 'buddy'....to let her know that she's a friend.

 

He only uses the word mate when others were in the gym.

usually he’s compliment me when others weren’t around, looking good… you look really nice with clothes on… (meaning not gym clothes)

you’re arms/legs/ etc are absolutely fine, I always denied the compliments… I’m overweight and didn’t believe him. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

 leading to me thinking he is wanting more, possibly a fling 

I think he did the right thing ending the professional relationship because of your thinking "he wanted more" and was taken aback by your message calling him "hot".

[basil67]

22 minutes ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

He only uses the word mate when others were in the gym.

usually he’s compliment me when others weren’t around, looking good… you look really nice with clothes on… (meaning not gym clothes)

you’re arms/legs/ etc are absolutely fine, I always denied the compliments… I’m overweight and didn’t believe him. 

In context, these words weren't strictly compliments.  And they certainly don't convey sexual attraction.  In the context of "I'm overweight and didn't believe him", they are about challenging your self image.

Note that he used the word 'nice' to describe you dressed.  He didn't say hot, sexy or lovely. He said 'nice'. 

Likewise, describing your legs as 'fine' could well be very neutral.   Sure, he could have spoken like Joey from friends and said "your legs are fiiiine".  But given the context of you looking 'nice' in clothes on, I suspect he may have been using it as a simple "fine".  As in, reassuring you that you've got nothing to worry about.

Regarding the word 'mate' I was referring to when he contacted you to put a stop to any ideas.  He used the word mate to show that you're a friend only

Edited May 10, 2022 by basil67

[Whatonearth2022]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

In context, these words weren't strictly compliments.  And they certainly don't convey sexual attraction.  In the context of "I'm overweight and didn't believe him", they are about challenging your self image.

Note that he used the word 'nice' to describe you dressed.  He didn't say hot, sexy or lovely. He said 'nice'. 

Likewise, describing your legs as 'fine' could well be very neutral.   Sure, he could have spoken like Joey from friends and said "your legs are fiiiine".  But given the context of you looking 'nice' in clothes on, I suspect he may have been using it as a simple "fine".  As in, reassuring you that you've got nothing to worry about.

I think it was the timing when he’s said these things where it caught me off guard.

When I’m usually alone 

[Whatonearth2022]

Basically I let him take advantage of me.

when doing my measurements he was full on touching me. 
One of the older members once commented saying they smelt like fish - not in a rude way.

when it was measurement time, he said quietly to me. Hope you don’t smell of fish… with a wink.

id say that’s sexual innuendo.

he said, do you like my aftershave , it’s new.

 

do you think I’ve got a tan… 

do you like my new hair cut..

 

I feel like you lot are trying to say I was seeing things 🤣

when I know I only acted on the behaviours he produced.

anyhow

its over. I’m just lacking closure I guess cuz I know he wanted it 

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

Basically I let him take advantage of me.

when doing my measurements he was full on touching me. 
One of the older members once commented saying they smelt like fish - not in a rude way.

when it was measurement time, he said quietly to me. Hope you don’t smell of fish… with a wink.

id say that’s sexual innuendo.

he said, do you like my aftershave , it’s new.

 

do you think I’ve got a tan… 

do you like my new hair cut..

 

I feel like you lot are trying to say I was seeing things 🤣

when I know I only acted on the behaviours he produced.

anyhow

its over. I’m just lacking closure I guess cuz I know he wanted it 

In context of the other person in the gym saying they smelt like fish, his comment to you was not innuendo.  He was just having a laugh about the other gym member with you.   And besides, nobody older than a 14yo boy jokes/innuendos about women and vaginal fish smells because it's both inaccurate and offensive.

With regards to measurements, I sew for others and taking measurements can be hands on.

As far as him fishing for compliments, that's just his vanity.

 

Edited May 10, 2022 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

On 5/8/2022 at 5:46 PM, Whatonearth2022 said:

I’m in an unhappy partnership of 10 years, 2 kids.

currently overweight I don’t tend to pull recently.

There's nothing that you stated that suggests sexual misconduct on his part. It's a serious allegation.

However it seems like you were in a dark place where routine professional attention from an attractive man allowed your imagination to run overtime.

Edited May 10, 2022 by Wiseman2

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

We we’re like soulmates

This is a fantasy you created. There is no such thing and certainly even if there was such a thing, it could not be discerned over a handful of personal training sessions.

4 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

Ok so what you’re saying is I’m at fault for assuming the weeks of flirting and inappropriate behaviour leading to me thinking he is wanting more, possibly a fling was all in my head?

Yes. Not "at fault," per se, but your lack of self-esteem and/or relationship problems led you to invest meaning into this man's words/actions that wasn't there.

Edited May 10, 2022 by introverted1

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe his wife caught on. Or someone else at the gym. 

 

Maybe she wasn’t the only woman with whom he was flirting with the boundaries - and someone caught one. It’s hard to know.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

i feel like you lot are trying to say I was seeing things 🤣

when I know I only acted on the behaviours he produced.

anyhow

its over. I’m just lacking closure I guess cuz I know he wanted it 

I think you need to believe that he “wanted it.” Regardless of whether he flirted with you and regardless of whether he “wanted it” or not, he clearly shut any kind of relationship down. Time to let it go - 

[RebeccaR]

Gently, most women would roll  their eyes at his remarks or think “what a sleaze”, rather than take them as serious affection. He’s just a sleazy guy who makes lewd remarks and lets his hands move inappropriately. Eww.

[glows]

4 hours ago, Whatonearth2022 said:

Basically I let him take advantage of me.

when doing my measurements he was full on touching me. 
One of the older members once commented saying they smelt like fish - not in a rude way.

when it was measurement time, he said quietly to me. Hope you don’t smell of fish… with a wink.

id say that’s sexual innuendo.

he said, do you like my aftershave , it’s new.

 

do you think I’ve got a tan… 

do you like my new hair cut..

 

I feel like you lot are trying to say I was seeing things 🤣

when I know I only acted on the behaviours he produced.

anyhow

its over. I’m just lacking closure I guess cuz I know he wanted it 

Once you are free of your current relationship and are fully single, this man won't be on your radar, as I had said earlier. His comments are inappropriate.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

when doing my measurements he was full on touching me. 

I'm really not sure how a person would take measurements without full on touching that person.  Ask a Tailor.

[Will am I]

Guy perspective. That personal trainer was definitely flirting.

And it was also way beyond the harmless flirting that’s only intended to make you both feel better (like smiling at someone passing by, with zero intention of asking for phone numbers).

He was getting close, touching, checking social media, showing interest in your skills, opening up about his private life, giving hints that he’s available. This was how relationships start, probably also how affairs start.

What happened? I can only guess. My best guess is that his wife checked his social media activity and saw one name appear a little too frequent. Clearly he chickened out.

 

In response to some of the earlier replies saying that he chickened out just before things got real… I don’t believe that. If you flirt with a woman and you find out she is opening up to your advances, hormones will peak and caution will fade. There must have been a very different trigger which changed his course of events. A trigger from the “caution/warning/brain” zone and not from the “romance/attraction/sex” zone. That’s why I guessed that he got in trouble with his wife

Edited May 10, 2022 by Will am I

[Eeejay]

I'm going to be blunt but I promise I'm not trying to be harsh because clearly you're struggling hard with this whole thing.

Did he want a relationship with you? Clearly not. Was he attracted to you? Who knows. Maybe? The takeaway is WHO CARES. Were you taken advantage of? Eh - maybe, a little, but not as much as you want to believe in your hurt and anger. If you didn't misread these interactions then yes, he preyed on your insecurities - but you are a grown woman. I agree with what someone said above - you should have rolled your eyes and felt more than a little yucky about all this inappropriate touching, but instead you ate it up because you needed the validation. You started thinking this guy was your soulmate? I'm not trying to shame you (honest, I'm not), I'm trying to get you to see how this whole situation was effed from the get-go and it's at least partially (more than you want to admit) because of your mindset rather than pinning all the blame for this outcome on his behavior (or his wife? Where the heck is that coming from? That is pure heresay and it's not helpful for OP to have a scapegoat to explain away how this mess of inappropriate behavior turned out).

In the end, YOU wanted to have an affair with the guy and HE shut it all down because it was inappropriate. Whether it was one-sided or not, you were WAY too into him on a personal level and that is inappropriate. He is married with three damn kids, so you two talking about your 'relationship' is inappropriate. He was inappropriate and so were you. At this point, you need to be looking inward and figuring out what the heck you were thinking and how you let yourself get that far down the rabbit hole, not trying to get validation from friends and strangers on the internet that he actually did 'want it'. Come on, now.

If he WAS flirting inappropriately, then he's a slime ball. If he wasn't, then you misunderstood everything and oh well, we've all been there. Either way? It doesn't change the fact that you made some poor judgment calls. Spend your time working through that, not driving yourself crazy wondering about his motivation, you know?

[stillafool]

I bet that Trainer does this with other women who come to the gym too.  Then when they bite he bounces.