Agony awaiting..

[plot 2 B lost]

I met an absolutely great girl 5 months ago, I was moving a friend out of their apartment and the girl was moving in - I sent her a postcard asking if she'd like to meet up one night and a week later she rang me to make a date - Great date, lots to talk about got on like a house on fire. She played herself graciously and didn't come on at all but showed alot of interest in what I do - I'm a photographer - she's a graphic designer.. alot in common.

 

Four dates later we end up in bed together, she was without any doubts sure of what she wanted. This turned out to be fantastic. She told me later that evening she had recently broken up with a 1½ year relationship but left the details out - I took what she said seriously and made a note to be careful with her feelings.

 

Before meeting her I hadn't had a full serious relationship for around 4 years ending horribly with her meeting another guy and jilting me.. you get over these things in time but it was extremely tough - that's another story. I had my horror stories in the past and learned some lessons - one of them is not to get involved easily into something serious unless I can commit to it or at least be honest and let the other person know there are some issues beneath the surface.

 

Things just went from great to better with her, and the birds seemed to be chirping in the cherry tree. I didn't push her into anything, leaving the times for us to meet to her to begin with not to give her any pressure. We caould talk all night about anything and the chemistry between us physically was unbelievable. The signals and things she would say to me from time to time were unmistakably close almost not holding back on anything romantic. Holding hands in the street, hugging me almost constantly and nearly deep eye contact throughout.

 

I noticed that things actually progress to a point were we saw each other more than 2 times a week. Once we saw each other 3 times in the week I made a joke of it saying it must be a record for us but got no reply. This started to become an issue for me on the third month together - by this time we had met some of each others friends but not met parents.. you know hehe. She rarely rang me prefering to text message as to where to meet and say goodnight or have a nice day at work - sometimes saying she missed me or sending me a kiss etc. I couldn't understand why there was this blockk with the telephone and mentioned this saying I'd like to talk more on the phone with her. She said of course she'd start doing it if I did. This also made me realise how much I'd been trying to play it by her rules due to her still being sensitive from her last relationship break-up. The phonecalls did start but not as much as I'd like and the same old text messages kept coming.

 

I was starting to get agitated that she could only fit me in to her schedule 2 days a week after all 3and half months had past and we got on like a house on fire - the were no foreseeable problems apart from her getting very tired and distant. I felt like I was very far away from her all of a sudden, asking her if things were ok and if there was anything I could do for her but she would shake it off and try and give a smile as if it wasn't something to worry about. She also has a rare blood disorder - were her blood clots very quickly this has sent her to hospital, once in a coma. Now she has to take medicine for the rest of her life to thin her blood - she would have funny spells and say she would have them now and then because of the illness.

 

Well the weekend was approaching, we planned a whole weekend together. My idea and she seemed very pleased we were going to spend more time together. We even planned the whole saturday to go around different art galleries - do shopping.. whatever - no problem. She had been out the night before to a club with her girlfriends - they do this get together every month like a tradition - we rang in the morning and there didn't seem to be a problem on the phone. I arrived, door open and she walked out from the kitchen crying and holding me mumbling - I had to hold her away to look into her face and try and understand. She kept saying this isn't working, it isn't working. I led her to the kitchen so we could sit down - I needed to sit down.

 

It turns out the week before she bumped into her ex boyfriend in the street - something she said she dreaded but didn't give reasons why. She said it was the most awful meeting and she went to pieces - I asked her finally how bad was the break-up she replied it was terrible and left her totally emotionally drained. Apparently he was a top bastard and even though she loved him and put up with his bad treatment he treated her like a dish cloth. She said she left him finally when he got too much for her to deal with and felt defeated after trying to make it work for so long. She said she hates him now as she can see how weak she was - he wouldn't do anything for her and she did everything for him.

 

I asked why she didn't tell me how bad it was and why did she have to wait to break up with me to tell me the whole truth. She said she didn't want it to become so deep with me and that's why she always held back seeing her family and friends over me. She didn't want it to become so deep that all of her dark past would have to surface - in other words she wanted to keep it light but it had become more than that now and she couldn't cope with it and wanted out. She said I am everything the other guy wasn't, I am the sweetest guy she's met, I am just what she needs and she knows she will be throwing gold out onto the streets but it would be something she'd have to deal with for the time being.. she just can't do it. I asked what she meant by the time being and she said that she needs time alone to find out where she is. Another thing I suddenly find out is it was only three weeks after she broke it with the other guy that we met. Suddenly things started to fit into place - the non-commitment etc. I felt very stupid and completely stunned.

 

I didn't know what to say - she had her mind made up. I told her I was really sorry about it but was really pissed off and just left. I felt like I had been used as an emotional cushion but instead of that I ended up just holding back the grief for her and feel exactly how she does now.

 

I went home and sent her a text message saying I was too screwed to talk to her and she musn't text me any more with her crap - she could ring if she needed and that was it for the weekend and told her what was the most painful part of it all is that I love her so much.

 

I calmed down by Monday, I realised my feelings for her and hoped this would make a difference and sent her a text from work to say it was alright we could talk later in the evening - she suggested we met and talked face to face. She arrive at my place a bit distant - her look wasn't the usual bouncy bright girl I was used to. We sat down and I tried to work it out. I instantly grabbed her hands and she didn't hold back and just put her head on my lap looking really sad and on the edge of tears.

 

I just told her everything about the way I feel for her and did this make any difference. She said it did but this didn't help the way she feels now and it wouldn't bring us together at least not for the time being. I asked again if she thought there was a chance and she quietly said there is but she couldn't put a time on when she'd be able to get back into shape.

 

This is where the confusion really starts...

 

She said it wasn't fair to put me on the line like that and it would be better to let me go completely so I could get on with my life even if that meant I might meet someone else. I said I would hang on for her if I knew I would be the one she wants at the end of it all but she said she couldn't say that at this point. I asked her if there is anything I can or could have done in the past to make a difference now and she replied no, I have been brilliant and she couldn't have asked for more from a guy. She said she knows in the future she will probably be kicking herself for letting me go but she said it was the fairest thing to do. I said let me be the judge of what's fair for myself not you and said I would wait untill she felt herself again but she wouldn't have it.. she needed her space and knowing I am hanging on for her would not help her.

 

She is an a tragically bad way and all over a guy who treated her like crap. I asked her if there is someone else involved in the story she replied absolutely not on any condition - I felt fairly sure she wasn't lying, her tears seem to genuine and the look in her eye couldn't lie. She even went as far to say if I find someone else so be it, I have to go my own way. I said If I'm still around whenever you come around to living a normal life could would she be interested - she said of course I would be the number one consideration but for the moment it wasn't something she could predict. I finally said I'd wait as long as it takes but I need also to be alone for a while as it was extremely painful to be with her, holding her and wanting to be with her so badly was driving me insane. Also knowing she would be leaving shortly and I wouldn't see her for god knows how long.. I said that maybe she ought to go as we ended up kissing and getting very close all the while her saying she should go to but didn't do anything about it - I knew she had to meet her parents later that evening so there wasn't any point trying to make her stay. She left and said could we meet soon and could she call. I said of course.

 

I had to go to Berlin for 7 days to do some photography and she rang the night I was leaving thinking I was leaving the next day mixing up. She seemed upset and talked alot about meeting soon again - I was devasted already by what hapened and could barely utter a sentence - the silences on the phone were almost unbearable. She rang me again at the airport and at least she picked up a bit knowing we would meet when I get back. I said I would keep in contact with her while I was away but only managed one text message prefering to keep my distance untill I got back. I was really too busy to think about things at home too much thankfully and the break did me some sort of good, at least to get some thoughts together.

 

The trip turned out to be exhausting by the end. The was alot of socoalising to be done at night and by day the schedules were gruelling any thoughts of her were put to the back in the meantime and only surfaced when I was on the plane home - I sent her a text asking if she would like to talk when I arrive back and she said she thought I'd put her on ice - I replied it was her who put me on ice. I rang her imediately on getting home and I realised how much I missed her - I just said I really needed her and need to hear we could continue seeing each other the way it was.. she replied calmly that she hadnt changed her mind as much as she cares for me. I aske if she loves me and she said she didn't know. I felt like all my insides had been ripped out and thrown around the room - I didn't beg her for anything but instead got angry and said I didn't want contact with her as it was destroying me, I needed to get my head straight and seeing her wasn't going to help me. She seemed upset at first and then just said ok if that was what I needed and left it at that.

 

The next day I sent her a text to say sorry but I was tired and emotional and of course we could meet. We arranged the following Monday, usual she booked up her calender so tightly she could slip me in. I started to get angry again at all the times she couldn't fit me in before and regretted setting up a meeting but let it roll to see what came of it. Monday came and she arrived seeming really happy to see me and hugged and kissed me like nothing had happened the last 2 weeks. We made food together and enjoyed our company but after the meal I explained how I felt so badly to her, I was so mixed up - just a state mentally. She still hadn't made any change to her first decision but still wanted to be able to see me and talk on the phone form time to time.. I said I could see her like this as it was killing me not being able to be close to her anymore but we could talk on the phone if she had something to say apart from the weather and what she did at her mothers at the weekend. She looked at me sadly and said if that's the way I need to have it then she couldn't stop me but would really like it otherwise. Again we got huggy and started to kiss this time things were much hotter and we ended up in bed but she kept saying she should go and she didn't want to send me the wrong signals - I wouldn't let her go but eventually she jumped up and composed herself and made moves to leave. She asked a last time could we keep up the contact and I said I would let her know and she left.

 

This was the last time I saw her 3 weeks ago and since then I got from bad to worse - to terrible to the edge of my sanity and now more level headed and trying to move on but still shaky and thinking I see her in the street when in fact it's no one I know at all. Getting on with anything that can take my mind off her. Got to heavy drinking last weekend, a constant flow of red wine went through my body from waking up untill falling down and waking up again - luckily a good friend of mine heard I was having it bad and came over for support - she didn't stop me from drinking but it was good to talk to someone level headed. I stopped drinking as I got too sick and I also have a hectic job to hold down. This went on to sleepless nights - 3 nights in one row with only around 1-2 hours of sleep each night - I suppose most reading this can relate to what I'm writing at this stage. I started to feel like I was in a doors song.. people did indeed seem strange and they still do but not as strange as I do hehe.. it's so intense that I have to laugh in despair sometimes.

 

So the situation is I have had one last phonecall from her while she was stuck for time and had to be at an appointment - I was probably at the worst stage so far and shouldn't have agreed to speak to her - she asked me how I was and I said do you want Walt Disney or the truth, she said Walt Disney and laughed but I told her the truth without the gorey details - just saying I'm a f**ked up mess without her and she said it cut her heart like a knife to hear that and was so upset. I told her to go as she was stressing about the time and making me mad. Later I apologised for upseting her and said I sent her a mial to try and say what I tried to say on the phone. She was really nice and said she wouold check that night to read it. In the mail I was pretty hard about the way things had happened for me and it all centered around her. All her needs and nothing to do with me - she got emotionally scarred and just went ahead and scarred me in the process - I wrote should I continue the process and screw someone else up so we have a cozy chain going of screwed up people singing doors songs. I told her to forget the princess she is always told she is and be the queen she knows she is inside and left it at that. This was 4 days ago and since then I haven't heard anything from her.

 

2 days ago I had a couple of glasses of wine alone and this just started to fuel the fire burning inside of me - I started reading all the old messages I received from her and looking at all the pictures I took of her on my phone and started to delete the one by one. This seemed to be quite satisfiying at first but I got more emotional as if realising I was deleting her from my life - it was terrible - I ended up in deleting her phone number and any traces of her ringing me or me to her and finally deleting her e-mail address. Basta.. this done I went to bed and slept it off. I woke up in the morning regretting this of course - cutting off all communication with her was not really what I wanted but to somehow hurt her back even though she wasn't there - I don't really know what I was doing to tell the truth but I know by the end of the day the thought of not being able to reach her was agony - I finally remembered having her e-mail written down and found it - folling by writing a mail to her explaining what happened and I hoped she would contact me soon when she felt like it with her nuber again - also saying I felt like a complete ass right now...

 

So that's where I am today - I have tried keeping my head above the water but it's hard to keep a foot hold in this current. I have no idea what to do - I have tried everything I know to keep her - said everything I know how to say ans showed her in everyway that I love her but I still don't see any light.

 

Is there anyone out there who has had similar if not the same experience - are there any ideas on my next move if any to get her back - you see there is a chance but I don't think speeding things up is an option here - she is who she is and the choices I have don't add up to much..

 

thanks for reading and for any help with this.. I'm lost in a doors tune

[omegaRED]

I`m sorry for your situation man. I`m in a very similar situation too. And it wont be easy. But... The thing is, you cant make her get back to you. It hurts, i know... But you cant. She has to decide she wants to get back.

 

Besides, you yourself said that you`ve tried everything, said everything, it didnt work. So there you have it. You cant have any regrets. You shouldnt. You`ve given your best, and more. Noone can ask more than that.

 

The only thing you can do now is start getting over her. It`s f***ing hard. It does get a bit easier as time passes by, but it still is hard. Just... Try to live. Find little things that occupy your thoughts. Anything. At first, nothing will be interesting and worth doing... But it DOES get easier. Dont contact her. It will only hurt you more. I know i`m dying to talk to and see my ex, but then i remember what seeing her did to me. And that it doesnt help, it wont make any difference, it only makes things worse. If it was just painful, i`d do it. But the thing that stops me every time is that i KNOW it wont make things better, only worse.

 

I`m sorry i couldnt give you the advice that you want or the one you think you need. But getting over her is the only thing you can do. Sucks, but such is life. You`ll survive, you`ll pick yourself up, you`ll mature, you`ll be a better man after this ordeal.

 

All the best to you!!!