FWB affair with younger man cut off but stays in contact

[In my own thoughts]

I’m a married woman (48) in a FWB relationship with single man (31) for past 2 years or so.  We met at work 6 years ago and he made it very clear for first few years he was attracted to me, but nothing happened despite getting to know each other more at Xmas do’s and work social events. Eventually summer 2019 he asked me out had a few dates together and although things got intimate we didn’t have sex. We cooled it off and stopped contact on social media (his choice) only seen each other in work. He met a girl a couple of months later.  That relationship only lasted a few  months and ended at the start of lockdown in April 2020. A few months later when homeworking phase he made contact with me via teams at work. The bond and connection was instantly there like before and we’d chat on teams every work day. Him mostly making contact each day. Eventually In summer 2021we started to hook at his place, spoke about how much he cares for me, and we couldn’t get enough of each other as sex was amazing. We’ve gone out on occasional day dates, cinema, lunch etc and we’ve always been open that it’s just temporary and that we enjoy what we have until he meets a girl.  This went on until Christmas when we realised feelings were deepening on both parts he wanted to cool things down. Saying he really enjoys being with me and I’ve shown him what he wants from a relationship, what makes him happy,  but its just a shame the situation as he thinks about it all the time..us being together. Since then we still chat on teams together everyday at work and go in the office once a week and do lunch.  We’ve done a couple of days out and ended up back at his in bed together. However, he’s much more detached now, gives me the very rare compliment, says he’s just needs to meet someone like me. I feel he’s still attracted to me but trying to protect both of our feelings. Since he cooled things off it’s always been me arranging to get together. Even though it’s him who messages me each morning at work and we continue to chat throughout the day. It’s starting to tear me apart as he’s clearly on the path of wanting to move on and stay close friends but my feelings are too strong for that. I’ve considered asking him to do the no contact to help me move on but can’t bring myself to do it. 

[basil67]

I think your instincts are right.  As you work together, you can't go 'no contact' completely, but taking things back to professional only is a really smart idea.  When it comes to bringing yourself to do what needs to be done, remind yourself that he'll most likely be on the lookout for a 20 something woman who he can build a life and family with.   

Can you store this away in your mind as a fun fling?

Meanwhile, what's going on in your life which led you to stepping out?  I'm particularly wondering about the state of your marriage...or anything else which led you to be in this situation.  Addressing the cause is a huge part of getting over an issue.

[In my own thoughts]

Thanks for responding. I’ve always known he’d like to build a life with someone, he’s a kinda of complicated man, struggles to commit if him honest. Im aware that I’ve probably suited his situation, however, I know things he’s said and his feelings are genuine. We’ve never done the I love you, but lots of care deeply and mean the world to me comments. What lead me to step out…well the instant mutual attraction we both felt 6 years ago. My husband had an affair 14 years ago. This happened at a very bad time in my life when my dad was terminally ill and it took me a few years to accept and forgive. My confidence took a hit and tbh I’ve probably never been the same since. Sadly now he adores me and I feel wrecked with guilt that I have this connection with another man.  Obviously I never been able to discuss with anyone.  This seemed the only way to open up. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, In my own thoughts said:

 It’s starting to tear me apart as he’s clearly on the path of wanting to move on and stay close friends but my feelings are too strong for that. 

If you work together be professional and cordial. Flings only last so long, so him finding appropriate single women to date was just a matter of time.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think you've mentioned your marriage / husband once in the entire post; you come off as a completely single person who's in a FWB situation with someone who doesn't want more.  You might as well accept that as it is - clearly he is not interested in more.   Seems like the next step for you will be to get a divorce so you will actually be free to develop a relationship when you have an opportunity again.  LIfe is short.  Do it. 

[In my own thoughts]

13 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't think you've mentioned your marriage / husband once in the entire post; you come off as a completely single person who's in a FWB situation with someone who doesn't want more.  You might as well accept that as it is - clearly he is not interested in more.   Seems like the next step for you will be to get a divorce so you will actually be free to develop a relationship when you have an opportunity again.  LIfe is short.  Do it. 

My husband had an affair 14 years ago. This happened at a very bad time in my life when my dad was terminally ill and it took me a few years to accept and forgive. My confidence took a hit and tbh I’ve probably never been the same since. Sadly now he adores me and I feel wrecked with guilt that I have this connection with another man.  I never been able to discuss this or my affair with anyone.  This seemed the only to get some advice. What lead me to step out…well the instant mutual attraction we both felt 6 years ago.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

My husband had an affair 14 years ago. My confidence took a hit I never been able to discuss this or my affair with anyone.  

Sorry this happened. Revenge cheating is quite common. Especially in a way that makes you  feel desirable again.

Affairs are about lies and secrets, so yes confidants are hard to find.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss midlife issues, depression anxiety and overall health.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Anything you disclose to a healthcare provider is confidential. It's also a safe and appropriate place to unpack and sort out your thoughts and feelings.

 

Edited May 13, 2022 by Wiseman2

[NuevoYorko]

If your affair partner told you he wanted to be your boyfriend, would you immediately ask for a divorce?  Frankly, even if your husband adores you, you can't have much of a marriage if you are free to traditionally date, like you are with this young guy.  What is hubby doing while you're out to dinner and the cinema or over at the FWB's place?  

In reality, your marital status doesn't seem to have anything to do with the fact that he's only interested in the kind of arrangement he currently has with you.   You'll feel a lot better if you do initiate a divorce.  You don't need the guilt and it's pretty obvious that your marriage is not really functioning.  Free yourself up for an opportunity for a relationship that has the potential to provide what you are searching for.  

 

 

[In my own thoughts]

Thank you for taking time to give me advice. Harsh words but thank you, puts my situation into perspective and reality having opened up on here. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, In my own thoughts said:

My husband had an affair 14 years ago. This happened at a very bad time in my life when my dad was terminally ill and it took me a few years to accept and forgive. My confidence took a hit and tbh I’ve probably never been the same since. Sadly now he adores me and I feel wrecked with guilt that I have this connection with another man.  Obviously I never been able to discuss with anyone.  This seemed the only way to open up. 

Do you work very closely together or is it possible not to see him or speak with him?

You may feel tied to him because he helped keep you sane in an unfaithful marriage or one where you haven't forgiven your husband. As you've already suggested, this has more to do with your broken marriage and grief losing your parent and nothing to do with him (the man you're having an affair with). I'd venture that your affair partner already knows that if he is aware about your husband cheating and the loss of your parent. There's nothing he can give you except for sex, affection and comfort while it lasts. Knowing that you have unresolved issues of course he would want to find another woman to be with in the future (not you). You're not even an option for him, sorry to say that, and that's where his detachment comes in. He knows you're not available, not even to your own husband. 

I'd try working through the pain and grief losing a loved one and think about whether the marriage is viable with your husband. Is therapy available to you? 

 

[Guildford]

Does your husband know about your affair and how would he react if you told him about it?  Could you work out an open marriage or a polyamory arrangement with your husband?  I know we are all supposed to have a monogamous marriage, but some time that does not work out and we need some extramarital release.  Remember that your FWB arrangement will come to an end (as it appears to have ended already) and you would be alone in your forties following a divorce.  With an open or polyamory marriage, you might be able to find someone else to fill this void.

Edited May 13, 2022 by Guildford

[In my own thoughts]

53 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you work very closely together or is it possible not to see him or speak with him?

I'd try working through the pain and grief losing a loved one and think about whether the marriage is viable with your husband. Is therapy available to you? 

 

 

We work in same department but separate sections so we could avoid contact professionally to a certain extend. He chooses to come in on my office day and we lunch today. Not an arrangement I make with him.  

I’ve recognised I need to seek therapy it’s took me a good while to accept that. Learning to understand the difference of feeling guilt but also depression.  Possibly the lowest I’ve felt. Thank you for your advice 

[In my own thoughts]

16 minutes ago, Guildford said:

Does your husband know about your affair and how would he react if you told him about it?  Could you work out an open marriage or a polyamory arrangement with your husband?  I know we are all supposed to have a monogamous marriage, but some time that does not work out and we need some extramarital release.  Remember that your FWB arrangement will come to an end (as it appears to have ended already) and you would be alone in your forties following a divorce.  With an open or polyamory marriage, you might be able to find someone else to fill this void.

No my husband had no idea. I believe he thinks I’m peri menopausal, I possibly could be. An open marriage would not be an option for me or him.  I’m not even sure I want to be in my marriage and like you say FWB always come to an end. I’m not dilusional enough to believe it would have lasted. The loss of emotional attachment is hurting me atm. 

[glows]

22 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

We work in same department but separate sections so we could avoid contact professionally to a certain extend. He chooses to come in on my office day and we lunch today. Not an arrangement I make with him.  

I’ve recognised I need to seek therapy it’s took me a good while to accept that. Learning to understand the difference of feeling guilt but also depression.  Possibly the lowest I’ve felt. Thank you for your advice 

 

9 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

No my husband had no idea. I believe he thinks I’m peri menopausal, I possibly could be. An open marriage would not be an option for me or him.  I’m not even sure I want to be in my marriage and like you say FWB always come to an end. I’m not dilusional enough to believe it would have lasted. The loss of emotional attachment is hurting me atm. 

You’ll have to replace that loss with support, the more reliable and healthful kind. Start making appointments with your doctor to get checked for STDs (you don’t know where this AP has been or your husband if he’s still cheating) and take better care of your overall physical health. Make an appointment also with a therapist. 

Decline meeting with your coworker as what he provides is paltry in comparison to the kind of support and healing you can give yourself in terms of better support. Take care of your emotional and mental health as you do your physical health.

[Mrin]

Hey OP: a good book to read is Marriage Confidential, by Pamela Haag

Honestly, this has less to do with your FWB and everything to do with your marriage and marital head/heart space. I know it probably doesn't feel this way but the FWB relationship is just a catalyst. The idea of ending it for good and going back to your not so happy marriage probably sounds like a prison sentence.

[In my own thoughts]

17 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Hey OP: a good book to read is Marriage Confidential, by Pamela Haag

Honestly, this has less to do with your FWB and everything to do with your marriage and marital head/heart space. I know it probably doesn't feel this way but the FWB relationship is just a catalyst. The idea of ending it for good and going back to your not so happy marriage probably sounds like a prison sentence.

I appreciate the book recommendation, will certainly look at that. Deep down I know the idea of staying in my marriage with or without FWB being in my life is the wrong decision. 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

I appreciate the book recommendation, will certainly look at that. Deep down I know the idea of staying in my marriage with or without FWB being in my life is the wrong decision. 

You'll need the input of a lawyer even if you haven't decided to separate or divorce. Know your options beforehand and don't speculate about fears or anything due to lack of knowledge. Deciding whether to stay or leave a marriage is a big decision but it's also a private decision once you've made your mind up. 

 

[mark clemson]

36 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

Deep down I know the idea of staying in my marriage with or without FWB being in my life is the wrong decision. 

Fair enough. You might want to consider seeing how that feels once your FWB actually is out of the picture completely. It might not change how you feel; then again it might...

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, In my own thoughts said:

No my husband had no idea. I believe he thinks I’m peri menopausal, I possibly could be. An open marriage would not be an option for me or him.  I’m not even sure I want to be in my marriage and like you say FWB always come to an end. I’m not dilusional enough to believe it would have lasted. The loss of emotional attachment is hurting me atm. 

Also understand that men view affairs differently and if your husband were to catch you he may not be as forgiving as you were to him.  Men seem to have a harder time getting over an affair than women because they have these 'mind movies' of you and the OM having sex that drives them mad.  Even those who chose to stay sometimes end up leaving.  Your husband's reaction may be different but I would caution you to stop before you get caught.  You say the loss of emotional attachment if hurting you well you need to develop an emotional attachment to your husband who loves you.  This guy hasn't even told you he loves you because he probably doesn't.

[In my own thoughts]

Thank you for more wise words. I need to find the strength and courage to ask him to stop contacting me each day at work. We have no other contact outside of work only when we arrange to see each other.  In truth, he doesn’t know the turmoil and anxiety I’m feeling. Just not sure what to say when I ask him for no contact. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

Thank you for more wise words. I need to find the strength and courage to ask him to stop contacting me each day at work. Just not sure what to say when I ask him for no contact. 

You don't ask for no contact. It's not his responsibility to provide a barrier. Simply pull back and be professional at work. If he asks, tell him you need to sort things out and break away. 

[glows]

24 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

Thank you for more wise words. I need to find the strength and courage to ask him to stop contacting me each day at work. We have no other contact outside of work only when we arrange to see each other.  In truth, he doesn’t know the turmoil and anxiety I’m feeling. Just not sure what to say when I ask him for no contact. 

As per your original post you are currently the only one arranging meet ups so this is to your advantage. Don't reach out anymore to meet and if he texts you say that you're busy and not available. He doesn't need a window into your life and don't give him that. Try to focus on what you're going to do about your marriage, whether to fix it and repair it or otherwise. 

Edited May 13, 2022 by glows

[In my own thoughts]

49 minutes ago, stillafool said:You say the loss of emotional attachment if hurting you well you need to develop an emotional attachment to your husband who loves you.  This guy hasn't even told you he loves you because he probably doesn't.

No, he hasn’t told me he loves me nor have I told him. We tried to set boundaries but that clearly didn’t work. Enjoy what we have for now kinda thing. At one point before last Xmas he half jokingly said you’ll have to move in with me, which I never responded to. He’s told me he’s never got on with a any girl like he does me. Reality is it wouldn’t work, he’s just realised it before me. But he continues to keep contacting me every work day. 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

No, he hasn’t told me he loves me nor have I told him. We tried to set boundaries but that clearly didn’t work. Enjoy what we have for now kinda thing. At one point before last Xmas he half jokingly said you’ll have to move in with me, which I never responded to. He’s told me he’s never got on with a any girl like he does me. Reality is it wouldn’t work, he’s just realised it before me. But he continues to keep contacting me every work day. 

I'm not saying it won't work because of the age difference as you both are adults IMHO; but because you are a married woman.  Why would he get serious with you?  You aren't leaving your husband and you know it.

[glows]

14 minutes ago, In my own thoughts said:

But he continues to keep contacting me every work day. 

That’s fine. Mute his contact and resist the urge to check what he says. He knows it wasn’t meant to last. It’s ok to let go.