Has anyone told the wife

[Misshim]

So I've been with MM for 18 months. We both say we love each other and I definitely love him. He has spoken about leaving his wife briefly and mentioned that it would be easiest to get caught. I'm not naive and I know that it's all words.

Has anyone told the wife, or instigated getting caught? I know it's not the ideal way, but it would be a way of getting him to make a choice

[basil67]

Yes, it's certainly a way of meeting your goal.  But what if he never intended to leave his wife and hated you for destroying his marriage?  And the wife went stalking you?

Wouldn't it be a better choice to leave him with your dignity and personal safety intact? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Misshim said:

 I know it's not the ideal way, but it would be a way of getting him to make a choice

Unfortunately his choice is to cheat. Trying to force his hand won't work.

Set yourself free from this cheater and pursue single decent honest men.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Misshim said:

I know it's not the ideal way, but it would be a way of getting him to make a choice

He's already making the choice. He's choosing his marriage, or he would have already started making moves to end it. 

4 hours ago, Misshim said:

Has anyone told the wife, or instigated getting caught?

I actually know two people who have done so. And in both cases, the married affair partners remained married while the affairs came to an abrupt and complete end. 

[BaileyB]

57 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He's already making the choice. He's choosing his marriage, or he would have already started making moves to end it. 

Absolutely true. Just because he hasn’t made the decision YOU want OP, doesn’t mean that he hasn’t made a decision.

If you tell his wife, you will need to prepare yourself for two possible outcomes. One, he will beg his wife to stay in the marriage and to do that, he will blame you and end your relationship. And two, his wife will come looking for you and you have absolutely no control of anything she will do when she finds you. 

Edited May 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[heartwhole2]

I can't predict whether this would work out in your favor, but historically the odds are against you.

Furthermore, if he's actually daydreaming about how his wife finding out about the affair would spare him having to initiate a conversation, then that conflict-avoidance is likely to carry over into his future relationships as well.

There's also the possibility that even if you are successful in ending their marriage by alerting the BW, he may suddenly realize he's single and want to see what else is out there. The pool for newly divorced guys is much larger than the pool for married guys looking for affair partners.

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, Misshim said:

He has spoken about leaving his wife briefly

Considering that he has spoken about leaving his wife “briefly,” I would say it a HUGE assumption to think that he is going to leave his wife for you.

I love you is easy to say, particularly when one is caught up in the heightened emotions of an extramarital affair.

Consider this, no doubt he says these same words to his wife - and how much do they really mean if he is sneaking around and having sex with another woman? 

 

[glows]

7 hours ago, Misshim said:

So I've been with MM for 18 months. We both say we love each other and I definitely love him. He has spoken about leaving his wife briefly and mentioned that it would be easiest to get caught. I'm not naive and I know that it's all words.

Has anyone told the wife, or instigated getting caught? I know it's not the ideal way, but it would be a way of getting him to make a choice

I'd think he was joking. It sounds more like a 9 year old talking out of his behind and making light of your affair or his marriage. You may love him but I'd doubt at that time whether he takes you seriously.

What reasons is he giving for not divorcing his wife? People divorce quite often based on irreconcilable differences and other pressing issues. 

[dramafreezone]

9 hours ago, Misshim said:

Has anyone told the wife, or instigated getting caught? I know it's not the ideal way, but it would be a way of getting him to make a choice

I think someone telling the wife/husband about the affair is a way for one person to exert control over the other.  It's an unhealthy decision borne of an unhealthy type of interpersonal relationship.

Thinking rationally, how could this end well?  It's a betrayal of trust, even in this context.

Edited May 15, 2022 by dramafreezone

[stillafool]

Usually what we've seen here goes like this:

The OW tells the wife

MM then plays the victim saying OW chased him until he gave in, he told her to stop but she continued

He tells wife OW is only telling her this to get her to leave him and break up their home

Wife believes him

They both gang up to hate OW

They stay together and the wife makes him jump through hoops

The begin hysterical bonding begins (having a lot of sex)

OW goes away hurt and alone

[Deidre]

Why do you want to be his second choice? That’s all you will ever be, sadly. Most married people don’t divorce to be with their affair partners because they get to live the best of both worlds. He can look like a good husband to his community and get whatever needs are being met by you. You and his wife are after thoughts to guys like him. Neither of you matter. I know you feel like you love him and he loves you, but he doesn’t love you. Love would never make you feel second best.  

[BrinnM]

11 hours ago, Misshim said:

Has anyone told the wife, or instigated getting caught? I know it's not the ideal way, but it would be a way of getting him to make a choice

I don’t know anybody in an affair who has told the wife in order to force a decision. If they ended up together it was because the cheater left the marriage - because that’s what he/she wanted.

Forcing his hand won’t work. He needs to leave on his own accord. It is concerning that he stated that her finding out would be the easiest way out. That means that there are no other major issues with the marriage in general, other than maybe the affair itself, but it doesn’t sound like the affair has had a major impact on the marriage so far, either. 

[basil67]

If a woman came to me as you propose, I would not be gentle or kind in my response to her.   Then I'd sit down with my husband and calmly have a discussion about what to do from here.  Does he want to stay and work on the issues or does he want out?   If he wanted to stay, we'd attempt the process of rebuilding and this would include No Contact with the OW.

In short, the decision would still be my husband's.  And given that he hadn't already chosen to leave, then the chances are he'd stay and address the problem.

[Luna66star]

Happened to me too but I never told the wife.  The sod was not worth the drama, embarrassment or my time.  After I realized how low my self esteem was for even engaging with this clown, I closed the book on all that nonsense.

He was constantly playing the victim while always appearing to be a nice guy helping everyone under the sun.  Helping people is great but he was overcompensating for his cheating ways.  My guess was to feel less guilty.

This guy had a huge home, 3 cars, kids and wife who adored him plus a corporate high paying job.  Yet he came to me daily whining and complaining non stop about how unhappy he was at home, upset with friends, kids, work, you name it. OMG.

These men are not hard done by.  Don't believe them.  There are daily frustrations that most marriages deal with but that’s normal stuff. MM exaggerate their stories to gain our sympathy.  How else are they going to keep you hooked?  They can't properly date us like the honorable man could.

Don't tell the wife.  Please move on with your life.  This bozo isn't leaving his family. Telling the wife will make you look desperate.  Who knows, like others have said, wife might hunt you down. 

Your life will never be the same.