Should I train or not with my brother?

[zwapper]

Do you think I should train with my brother? I am 19m and have 7 siblings, 4 younger and 3 big brothers on my mother's side. Because we have different mothers and my parents have been arguing a lot since I was 5 years old, my older brothers have distanced themselves and only lived with their father since I was 10 years old.

My big brothers are 26m.27m, and 28m years old.

Younger sibblings 10m,13g,18m,19m,19m

Both the large age difference and the fact that they have distanced themselves has meant that we have had a very bad contact. Type again contact at all between 10 years and 18.I have always seen them as my brothers and missed them incredibly much during my upbringing. It has taken a toll on me not to meet them. But it has always felt like they do not want to meet us younger siblings.

But last fall, my mother contacted the older brother and we met and had dinner together. We talked and promised to keep meeting.

So we met twice after that on both initiatives. But since then I have had a lot of work and other things along the way, so have not contacted him since Christmas. Which he has not done either.

But last Sunday I asked if he wanted to meet and maybe train or do something else this week. he replied that "Yes! We speak more in the week" but then he did not write anything so last Friday I wrote to him and asked if he still wanted to meet, and if Sunday worked well and I gave him suggestions on what we could do. He replied that we could do that, but did not respond to my suggestions. so I asked again but got no answer. Today, Sunday, he answers at 1 o'clock and asks if I still want to meet and train.

I think it's weird not to answer, especially since we have such a fragile relationship. If he does not want to meet, it's better for say so.

I'm still eager to train with him, but I feel that he should have an excuse not to have answered me until now, even though he was completely free during the weekend. I'm so damn tired of being treated like s***, and always feel like I need to take the initiative. I think that he and the other big brothers should be the ones who take the initiative.

I have also had some contact with the youngest big brother since 3 years back but it has also started to run out in the sand now.

The problem I have is that I want a relationship with them but never feel that they take the initiative (if very rarely). Because I and my younger siblings have not met my older siblings, we ar almost like strangers, we have missed the important time to grow up with each other. I want to try to build a relationship but it feels especially difficult when you are treated like this.

What do you think I should do? train with him or ignore and see if he makes any contact in the future?

If you have other things to say you can write that too.

[Alpacalia]

I had a sister like that.

I stopped calling her.

Now she will occasionally ask— Why doesn’t anyone call me?

I hope your family learns faster.

 

[zwapper]

 

Quote

I had a sister like that.

I stopped calling her.

Now she will occasionally ask— Why doesn’t anyone call me?

I hope your family learns faster.

Thanks for answering! How is your relation to your sister now?

I wrote my brother that "I no longer want and we can do it another time!" He answered that we maybe can meet something next week! I said "yes! sounds good" 

But this time and next time he will need to ask me and come up with a plan on what we should do. I will need to see some initiatives from his side in the future or I wont contact him. My health is more important 

Edited May 16, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Formatting

[glows]

Have you responded yet? 

Sometimes people aren't what we expect and life can be disappointing. If someone wants to open that door again you'll have to decide if it's worth the hassle. For you, there's added frustration and resentment built up over years because your older siblings don't behave in ways that you'd want such as taking more initiative, being more inclusive or taking more interest in your life. I'm curious how you know he was free all weekend? 

I agree with you that if he had answered you sooner, you'd feel less like option B for his weekend plans and more important in his life. If at all possible and if it's not too late train anyway with him and see how it goes from there. You've been frustrated and upset with them for a long time. Don't you think it's time for change? Give it a chance and then you'll know for sure whether you have a relationship. And be careful to completely write off individuals too quickly as you may seem like a yo-yo over time going back and forth on decisions or the way you think of others.

 

[zwapper]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Have you responded yet? 

Sometimes people aren't what we expect and life can be disappointing. If someone wants to open that door again you'll have to decide if it's worth the hassle. For you, there's added frustration and resentment built up over years because your older siblings don't behave in ways that you'd want such as taking more initiative, being more inclusive or taking more interest in your life. I'm curious how you know he was free all weekend? 

I agree with you that if he had answered you sooner, you'd feel less like option B for his weekend plans and more important in his life. If at all possible and if it's not too late train anyway with him and see how it goes from there. You've been frustrated and upset with them for a long time. Don't you think it's time for change? Give it a chance and then you'll know for sure whether you have a relationship. And be careful to completely write off individuals too quickly as you may seem like a yo-yo over time going back and forth on decisions or the way you think of others.

 

The whole conversation went like this

I am the bold text

 

Last sunday -  (Hey! do you want to meet next week?  from me),  (Hey, Yes sound good) (We should speak more in the week about plans, From him)

(Sound like a plan, from me)

This friday - (what do you do on sunday?) (Hi! nothing much, I have to clean some clothes and prepare for the week) (Do you want to do anything? like train or anything else? do you have a gymcard somewhere)

(Yes, i think we should) (We can go to a outdoor gym or if you have another idea) 

Sunday 1 o clock-  (Hey! do you still want to train?) (no, we can do it another time!)  (we maybe can meet something next week!) ( "yes! sounds good" )

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, zwapper said:

Sunday 1 o clock-  (Hey! do you still want to train?) (no, we can do it another time!)  (we maybe can meet something next week!) ( "yes! sounds good" )

Ok if you want to build/reestablish rapport with your siblings, having a common hobby/interest is a good way. Just reschedule a mutually convenient time.

Edited May 15, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

11 minutes ago, zwapper said:

The whole conversation went like this

I am the bold text

 

Last sunday -  (Hey! do you want to meet next week?  from me),  (Hey, Yes sound good) (We should speak more in the week about plans, From him)

(Sound like a plan, from me)

This friday - (what do you do on sunday?) (Hi! nothing much, I have to clean some clothes and prepare for the week) (Do you want to do anything? like train or anything else? do you have a gymcard somewhere)

(Yes, i think we should) (We can go to a outdoor gym or if you have another idea) 

Sunday 1 o clock-  (Hey! do you still want to train?) (no, we can do it another time!)  (we maybe can meet something next week!) ( "yes! sounds good" )

The ball is in his court to reach out to you. If he doesn't then let it go. He's not what you're looking for just now in a sibling. 

That may change in the future so don't become too bitter and angry about this. I wrote elsewhere that I had this experience with a younger sibling and we were estranged for some years and also have a large age gap. I was hurt for some time but we reconnected and our relationship now is closer than we've ever been, more like a great friend. Carry on training anyway and go to the gym and continue with plans/goals for yourself.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, zwapper said:

Thanks for answering! How is your relation to your sister now?

I wrote my brother that "I no longer want and we can do it another time!" He answered that we maybe can meet something next week! I said "yes! sounds good" 

But this time and next time he will need to ask me and come up with a plan on what we should do. I will need to see some initiatives from his side in the future or I wont contact him. My health is more important 

It's alright.

I know it will be OK because she's my sister and we've been close our entire lives. In fact, we plan to visit soon.

It might seem to you right now that all of this is wayyy too one-sided and it's not fair.

It’s not fair, but fairness is moot.

And along those same lines…

Your brother finds your story uninteresting right now. He is only interested in his.

You can still be curious, and be as accessible as you want.

Gratitude and good wishes are your response if he decides not to spend time with you. Eventually, you may need to acknowledge that you are mourning a lost relationship, which is necessary to move forward.

It's okay if he changes his mind and comes knocking again in the future. Let them find a peaceful, whole person on the other side.

 

 

 

Edited May 15, 2022 by Alpacalia

[zwapper]

Just now, Alpacalia said:

It's alright.

I know it will be OK because she's my sister and we've been close our entire lives. In fact, we plan to visit soon.

It might seem to you right now that all of this is wayyy too one-sided and it's not fair.

It’s not fair, but fairness is moot.

And along those same lines…

Your brother finds your story uninteresting right now. He is only interested in his.

You can still be curious, and be as accessible as you want.

Gratitude and good wishes are your response if he decides not to spend time with you. Eventually, you may need to acknowledge that you are mourning a lost relationship, which is necessary to move forward.

It's okay if he changes his mind and comes knocking again in the future. Let them find a peaceful, whole person on the other side.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for all the help! I am happy that everything got better between you and your sister. Our problem is that we never have been so close because there was like 10 years of us not meeting at all. I will continue to be curious about his life and show interest when I feel the need. But for now, I'll probably let him contact me, and if we go our separate ways, so be it. I feel like way should I waste my time and health when he dont even care

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You can say no the training. I say go even if you REALLY want to go. There will be other opportunities to bond with this sibling. If training is the only opportunity, then the bond won't last anyway.

You say no and wait for a different invite or invite him to something YOU really want to do.

 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, zwapper said:

Thank you so much for all the help! I am happy that everything got better between you and your sister. Our problem is that we never have been so close because there was like 10 years of us not meeting at all. I will continue to be curious about his life and show interest when I feel the need. But for now, I'll probably let him contact me, and if we go our separate ways, so be it. I feel like way should I waste my time and health when he dont even care

 

Cool!

I don't think it's necessary for you to make any additional effort to spend time with him (like you said). Do your training on your own, if he wants to train and you're still at the gym great, if you're not, he can contact you another time.

Edited May 16, 2022 by Alpacalia