Incredibly lonely, and struggling to cope.

[Cute-Meet4848]

47 minutes ago, 2.50 a gallon said:

Part II

At about this same time I bought at a used book store a book on gourmet cooking,   Divorce is terrible, your best friend has now become your worst enemy.  My thoughts were the more I kept busy the less I would think about her.  And gourmet cooking was double and triple rewarding as it takes a little effort, preparation, etc, and less time for my mind to wonder, and I got a great meal and for the future, when and I again got back into the dating game it would be another resource.  

The results, for the past 25 years, 20 living together, I have been in a relationship with a gal, totally out of my league in the looks department. She is a great grandma and still has an hour glass figure.  And guess who does all of the cooking.       

I appreciate what you are trying to say, and I am sorry to hear about what you've been through, but I'm not entirely sure this is going to help me.

I have interests, and I do things with my life. I look after myself. However, if no one is taking an interest in me platonically / romantically, how would I even showcase who I am? I'm not even getting my foot in the door, socially. I'm failing at the first obstacle.

Also, just to serve as another example of the type of person I am - I went to the gym yesterday, got speaking to a stranger there and made him laugh a few times. So I can interact with others.

Edited May 20, 2022 by Cute-Meet4848

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

 on the rare occasion I do engage in an interaction, there's no telltale signs of discomfort, but also no signs of interest (sure, they make eye contact - most people do that during conversation). Plus there's the aforementioned issue of not meeting many women my age to begin with.

As for your last paragraph, all I can say is that this simply doesn't happen to me, and I already do a lot of stuff alone.

Ok. Well, there could be a lot going on here - but I suspect it's mostly "vibe"/personality rather than anything physical. You may not look great all the time, but there's probably nothing off-putting there, based on feedback you've received. Assuming it's "vibe" that may be harder to address, unfortunately.

Just because something hasn't happened in the past doesn't at all mean you could not make it happen, with the right actions/efforts.

So you could, at least in theory, do what I'm suggesting - ensure you look your best, work on developing "attractive" mannerisms/gait and an "open" body language. Then hit a food court or cafe and hang out until you see a woman glance over at you a couple of times (best to wait for at least two glances), go to her table and casually ask if she'd like some company, strike up a conversation, and see if you can turn that into a date. Attempt to channel your inner James Bond or James Dean or what have you so you don't act nervous.

The woman's experience of this should be something along the lines of "I saw a cute guy at the food court, and after I glanced over at him a couple of times, he came over to talk to me. We seemed to hit it off ok, so when he asked me to dinner I say yes."  Something like that. NOT some huge big deal, although it might be a bit exciting for her, too.

It's certainly easier said than done, but it seems like IF you are up for it, it's doable. You also might "strike out" a few times since the glances don't ALWAYS mean there's actual interest in chatting, and chatting doesn't always mean there's actual interest in a date. If your vibe or personality interferes with any initial attraction on the part of a woman, that, unfortunately, would also make it more difficult. So that would be (assuming I'm right, which is an assumption) a complicating issue and unfortunately one that's harder to "work on".

Something that might help you a bit in the longer term would be to consider getting the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" and reading the chapters on female attraction. This might give you more insight/context on "how women operate" (speaking generally) and I think this type of knowledge can be helpful, although it may take a while for your brain to "filter" the information into changes in how you act around women. It's a long read, but again you would really only need to read the chapters on female attraction.

Edited May 20, 2022 by mark clemson

[Cute-Meet4848]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Ok. Well, there could be a lot going on here - but I suspect it's mostly "vibe"/personality rather than anything physical. You may not look great all the time, but there's probably nothing off-putting there, based on feedback you've received. Assuming it's "vibe" that may be harder to address, unfortunately.

Just because something hasn't happened in the past doesn't at all mean you could not make it happen, with the right actions/efforts.

So you could, at least in theory, do what I'm suggesting - ensure you look your best, work on developing "attractive" mannerisms/gait and an "open" body language. Then hit a food court or cafe and hang out until you see a woman glance over at you a couple of times (best to wait for at least two glances), go to her table and casually ask if she'd like some company, strike up a conversation, and see if you can turn that into a date. Attempt to channel your inner James Bond or James Dean or what have you so you don't act nervous.

The woman's experience of this should be something along the lines of "I saw a cute guy at the food court, and after I glanced over at him a couple of times, he came over to talk to me. We seemed to hit it off ok, so when he asked me to dinner I say yes."  Something like that. NOT some huge big deal, although it might be a bit exciting for her, too.

It's certainly easier said than done, but it seems like IF you are up for it, it's doable. You also might "strike out" a few times since the glances don't ALWAYS mean there's actual interest in chatting, and chatting doesn't always mean there's actual interest in a date. If your vibe or personality interferes with any initial attraction on the part of a woman, that, unfortunately, would also make it more difficult. So that would be (assuming I'm right, which is an assumption) a complicating issue and unfortunately one that's harder to "work on".

Something that might help you a bit in the longer term would be to consider getting the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" and reading the chapters on female attraction. This might give you more insight/context on "how women operate" (speaking generally) and I think this type of knowledge can be helpful, although it may take a while for your brain to "filter" the information into changes in how you act around women. It's a long read, but again you would really only need to read the chapters on female attraction.

I agree that it doesn't dictate my future, but let's put it this way...Eight years of trying. That's a lot of wasted youth. I don't even know if I'd be comfortable dating once I reach 30, as I'd just feel like the guy that would get settled for.

All I can really say is that, despite my best attempts at looking good, I never catch the eye of a woman. It's like I don't exist.

I've read quite a number of books, so I shall add that one to the list.

[ ] 

Edited May 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
response to removed content

[mark clemson]

44 minutes ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I don't even know if I'd be comfortable dating once I reach 30, as I'd just feel like the guy that would get settled for.

Ah, don't think like that. People are serial monogamists and the vast majority of relationships end relatively quickly (relatively to a lifelong or multi-decade one), so there are always relationships ending, leaving single people available to be dated and looking for someone new. That continues your whole life, so no reason to think of yourself negatively as some sort of fallback person.

Edited May 20, 2022 by mark clemson

[Happy Lemming]

Quick question... Did you do any dating in High School??  Go to any High School dances??  Stuff like that??

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

Yes.

Then you know what goes on there. 😜

With everything that you've said about yourself, I'm not sure why you're having problems. Seems like you put yourself out there a lot. A lot of what you do would be interesting to women too. There is perhaps one exception, which is living at home, something you can always improve.

Maybe, just maybe, you need to get to the point where other people notice you. Where you stand out somehow (in a good way).

Based on how you've described the rejections, it's probably a non-verbal thing. Attractive guys tend to have a certain air about them.

They're comfortable with themselves and they're out to have fun, not to validate themselves by getting laid.

They like sex, but they're not desperate for it.

Not saying you're desperate in the least, just something I wanted to throw out there.

One exercise you might try is to go out to a bar and try to watch guys who seem to be getting a lot of attention from women. What makes these guys different from others? How is their body language different? How do they intonate their voices? And what do they talk about? In what ways are the women acting differently? Do you see any parallels in your own behavior, or any changes you would consider making?

You'll be able to get better suggestions if you give a specific example rather than try to guess at what your problems might be. Until then, that's all I've got.

Many delights!

 

[Cute-Meet4848]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Ah, don't think like that. People are serial monogamists and the vast majority of relationships end relatively quickly (relatively to a lifelong or multi-decade one), so there are always relationships ending, leaving single people available to be dated and looking for someone new. That continues your whole life, so no reason to think of yourself negatively as some sort of fallback person.

True, but I've missed out on dating in my twenties and it would have been nice to have some experience. Clearly I'm not the type of guy that women want, by default.

13 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Quick question... Did you do any dating in High School??  Go to any High School dances??  Stuff like that??

No, I did not. I was bullied as a child. I had pretty much no friends until early twenties, but then I cut them off as they weren't healthy relationships.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

 Clearly I'm not the type of guy that women want, by default.

Perhaps true for you in your teens and twenties. But people change over time and their needs and desires change as well. You don't see too many 19 year olds lots of time sorting out which health insurance policy to get do you.

Also if you DO feel this way, suggest you DON'T mention it (or anything along these lines) to a potential partner, at least not until a relationship is well-established. Again, women like men who project self-assurance.

You haven't had good experiences thus far, but that is NOT guaranteed to continue by any means. In fact a lot of men state that the "dating scene"/male experience tends to improve past the early 30's. The men are more experienced and have honed their social skills, while the women are a bit less choosey/more amenable now that they are past the peak physical health of their 20's and busy with jobs/careers and in some cases raising kids.

As your reality changes, your expectations/desires (for many folks at least) necessarily change right along with it. The same woman who was always going for the "bad boy" in HS/college, may have turned over a new leaf and seek a lower-key type. Also, any specific individual woman may be following one of a variety of what you might call "dating strategies" - some may indeed be hoping to find a "diamond in the rough" that was perhaps passed over by other girls but who makes a good partner as a full adult.

So, indeed, suggest you DON'T give up hope or "decide" that things will never happen for you. Particularly if you are still relatively good looking, keep working on yourself, including trying to work on your social skills.

Edited May 21, 2022 by mark clemson

[Cute-Meet4848]

19 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Perhaps true for you in your teens and twenties. But people change over time and their needs and desires change as well. You don't see too many 19 year olds lots of time sorting out which health insurance policy to get do you.

Also if you DO feel this way, suggest you DON'T mention it (or anything along these lines) to a potential partner, at least not until a relationship is well-established. Again, women like men who project self-assurance.

You haven't had good experiences thus far, but that is NOT guaranteed to continue by any means. In fact a lot of men state that the "dating scene"/male experience tends to improve past the early 30's. The men are more experienced and have honed their social skills, while the women are a bit less choosey/more amenable now that they are past the peak physical health of their 20's and busy with jobs/careers and in some cases raising kids.

As your reality changes, your expectations/desires (for many folks at least) necessarily change right along with it. The same woman who was always going for the "bad boy" in HS/college, may have turned over a new leaf and seek a lower-key type. Also, any specific individual woman may be following one of a variety of what you might call "dating strategies" - some may indeed be hoping to find a "diamond in the rough" that was perhaps passed over by other girls but who makes a good partner as a full adult.

So, indeed, suggest you DON'T give up hope or "decide" that things will never happen for you. Particularly if you are still relatively good looking, keep working on yourself, including trying to work on your social skills.

I was out yesterday afternoon and I was surrounded by a lot of people. Many were young, some in relationships etc...and it's hard not to feel like I've missed out on life. I'm not suggesting necessarily that it could never happen, but it just seems like a lot of wasted potential. I understand that people change, but it's hard facing the reality that I may just be a last resort for many women...even despite my good qualities.

But that's just focusing on one larger aspect of a bigger problem. I don't really have anyone in my life, so that's also a hurdle.

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

No, I did not. I was bullied as a child.

Can you expand upon this?? Was there anything in particular that the other children exploited??

 

[Cute-Meet4848]

22 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Can you expand upon this?? Was there anything in particular that the other children exploited??

 

Not really, just an "easy target". I didn't get any support from the adults in my life to deal with it either - in fact, I'd usually come home and get ridiculed by my father for not having friends.

[Cute-Meet4848]

Anyone willing to offer some more advice, or just talk via private message? I'd just like someone to talk to, about anything really.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

Anyone willing to offer some more advice, or just talk via private message? I'd just like someone to talk to, about anything really.

I attempted to PM you, but it appears you cannot receive private messages, yet.  I think you have to have a certain number of posts or time on the forum to PM... I'm not sure.

How is your day going??  Anything new??  How was your week??

All quiet here in the desert with me... 

[Wiseman2]

A lot of people are struggling and there are mental health hotlines where you can talk to someone who'll listen and help direct you to resources for ongoing support.

Here's a short list:  https://www.loveshack.org/crisis/

 

[notbroken]

You won't like this - but that doesn't make it untrue.  An earlier poster tried to give you some advice and you said it was insulting and you were going to ignore them.  Maybe they could have been 'softer' but you definitely lashed out and have there was some well intentioned advice in there and from the others.    Honestly, mosts of your posts seem very defensive (ie. "I've already done that and it didn't work and won't work in the future").   Yes, now you likely want to put me on 'ignore' too but that doesn't change the validity of the advice.   I suspect this defensiveness about your home living situation, having problems making friends/girlfriends and the expectation that it will continue and you are 'unfriendable' is somehow carrying over to your 'vibe'.   You ARE having problems making friends and girlfriends.  You now expect to have problems and it is becoming a self fullfulling prophecy.    That IS a hard 'rut' to get out of.   I suspect the only way you are going to do it is 'faking it till you make it' and by 'the numbers game' of just continuing to put yourself 'out there'.  Yes you are already doing it. Yes,  you need to do it even more.  And then more after that.   Continue to internet date (you may be rejected 19 times out 20 and it won't be easy).    If you are going out once a week, go three times.  If you are already going three times, go four.  Try not to have big expectations, but don't expect to 'strike out' either.   That becomes very self fulfulling and people can pick up on that. 

You obviously don't like to hear/read about it, but living at home isn't helping you at all (and may be harming you greatly).   Just the mental drain from being in a dysfunctional environment can't be helping.  Find a way to live elsewhere.  It'll certainly help when you do get a girlfriend (and you eventually will if you keep trying).  

It may be hard to believe now, but there are people that would like you for a friend/boyfriend.   Keep looking until you find them.  Reject this or any and all advice if you want, but I suspect the answer is in there somewhere. 

I had a girlfriend for a while who had very few friends.  She believed 'people just don't like me'.  People did like her - at least at first.  She thought they didn't and rejected almost everyone before they could reject her.  It was very much a self fullfilling prophecy for her.  Her attitude about it insured people did reject her in the end (because she rejected them before they even had a chance).  Not sure that is exactly your issue but the defensiveness in your few posts says it could be.  Flame suit on. 

 

[Cute-Meet4848]

1 hour ago, notbroken said:

You won't like this - but that doesn't make it untrue.  An earlier poster tried to give you some advice and you said it was insulting and you were going to ignore them.  Maybe they could have been 'softer' but you definitely lashed out and have there was some well intentioned advice in there and from the others.    Honestly, mosts of your posts seem very defensive (ie. "I've already done that and it didn't work and won't work in the future").   Yes, now you likely want to put me on 'ignore' too but that doesn't change the validity of the advice.   I suspect this defensiveness about your home living situation, having problems making friends/girlfriends and the expectation that it will continue and you are 'unfriendable' is somehow carrying over to your 'vibe'.   You ARE having problems making friends and girlfriends.  You now expect to have problems and it is becoming a self fullfulling prophecy.    That IS a hard 'rut' to get out of.   I suspect the only way you are going to do it is 'faking it till you make it' and by 'the numbers game' of just continuing to put yourself 'out there'.  Yes you are already doing it. Yes,  you need to do it even more.  And then more after that.   Continue to internet date (you may be rejected 19 times out 20 and it won't be easy).    If you are going out once a week, go three times.  If you are already going three times, go four.  Try not to have big expectations, but don't expect to 'strike out' either.   That becomes very self fulfulling and people can pick up on that. 

You obviously don't like to hear/read about it, but living at home isn't helping you at all (and may be harming you greatly).   Just the mental drain from being in a dysfunctional environment can't be helping.  Find a way to live elsewhere.  It'll certainly help when you do get a girlfriend (and you eventually will if you keep trying).  

It may be hard to believe now, but there are people that would like you for a friend/boyfriend.   Keep looking until you find them.  Reject this or any and all advice if you want, but I suspect the answer is in there somewhere. 

I had a girlfriend for a while who had very few friends.  She believed 'people just don't like me'.  People did like her - at least at first.  She thought they didn't and rejected almost everyone before they could reject her.  It was very much a self fullfilling prophecy for her.  Her attitude about it insured people did reject her in the end (because she rejected them before they even had a chance).  Not sure that is exactly your issue but the defensiveness in your few posts says it could be.  Flame suit on. 

 

I apologise if I've offended anyone, or have come across in the wrong manner. My defensiveness arises from two things - number one being that I feel that sometimes my posts aren't being truly "listened to" (which is all too easy when someone has become accustomed to answering similar queries on a forum, for years), and number two being that I genuinely, 100% have been trying the advice that has been given to me, just as it was given to me many years ago. Please forgive me for feeling like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

Your / their advice is sound, but ultimately it hasn't worked for me. Could it? Sure. However, as I said previously, this is what I was being told almost ten years ago now. How much life do I have to waste being stuck like this? The definition of insanity, and all that. I go out A LOT, to no avail, and do not get matches on dating applications. I've got my foot in the door, but it won't budge any further.

I am working on the living situation, so that is absolutely not something I have ruled out. Hell, I've applied for multiple jobs today that would enable me to live comfortably / move location. However, I think it's fair that you acknowledge that living alone isn't easy for a lot of people right now - isolation, financial issues etc. And as I said, if no woman is interested in me despite not knowing my living circumstances, it simply can't be an influencing factor.

"Flame suit on" < this snarky comment makes it look as if you want a "fight". Please drop it, and be empathetic.

 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

A lot of people are struggling and there are mental health hotlines where you can talk to someone who'll listen and help direct you to resources for ongoing support.

Here's a short list:  https://www.loveshack.org/crisis/

 

Ironically I've worked for one of those organisations...

 

  

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I attempted to PM you, but it appears you cannot receive private messages, yet.  I think you have to have a certain number of posts or time on the forum to PM... I'm not sure.

How is your day going??  Anything new??  How was your week??

All quiet here in the desert with me... 

It's been a dull week. I went out the previous Saturday for a few drinks, went to a family gathering on the Sunday. Not much new to report.

I hope you're well.

Edited May 28, 2022 by Cute-Meet4848

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I hope you're well.

I'm back to my old self... My second Covid-19 booster threw me for a loop (most of the week), but I feel 90-95%.

After I posted this morning, my girlfriend got a text that her glasses were ready, so we had to make a run into town.  (we live in a very rural area in the desert).  She likes her new glasses and we ran a few other errands while we were in town.

2 hours ago, Cute-Meet4848 said:

 It's been a dull week. I went out the previous Saturday for a few drinks, went to a family gathering on the Sunday. Not much new to report.

Yes... some weeks are dull.  It is Saturday night, I hope you are planning on going out... crossing my fingers you have a nice time and maybe meet someone.  Please keep trying!!  I've met some women at times and places I really wasn't expecting to meet anyone.  Sometimes when you least expect it...

Any plans for the holiday (weekend)??

[Alpacalia]

This is definitely something that many of us have had to deal with at one time or another.

You might know that some people have many friends and have romantic relationships, but still feel chronic loneliness?

I am willing to bet that you aren't the only single person eating alone in that cafe. Find the others. "I'm tired of eating alone... are you?" Boom. A connection. How deep will it go? The fun part is finding out.

Who have you met at get-togethers or social gatherings you often attend and who have friends in common with you, but you haven't talked to them directly? Start there first.

I'm blessed to have such amazing friends that are there for me no matter what, but they are often busy and I may not see them all the time. I'm a bit older than you and people say you have a harder time making friends as you get older. The classmate I felt we connected with in another class always cancelled on me when I asked for coffee. It's frustrating.

But I just want to say that it is not because you are uncool or awkward that your problem exists. It's just the fact that it is harder and harder to find the basic building blocks of friendships these days.

Try not to think that in order to have friends, that you must always start from scratch. Sometimes you just need to slow down and take your time to get closer and deeper and deeper with those you already know and have.

We also seem to miss connections while on-the-go, in line, or at the check-out station. Every day you see the same people (for example, the instructor at your dance class), say hi to them or engage in a mini conversation with them, that builds up a relationship. This might not be the way to meet your new bestie, but it's a must. The millennial generation is considered one of the loneliest. For better connections, we must abandon avoidant behaviors.

The groups you are in are great, however you need to interact with the same people repeatedly, at least weekly. By doing this, you can remember what you discussed the week before and get back to it. Relationships are built this way. Even though you might not find someone you will stay in touch with forever, you can still make meaningful connections with the people you like spending time with.

I really feel that you have a disconnect in part because of your living situation and the environment where you grew up. It may surprise you to learn that most people are not looking for the same deep connection in relationships as you might think. Growing up, you didn't have a strong connection with your family, so it's natural to long to be seen, heard, and validated for who you are. Maybe this leads to the feeling of wanting and expecting the impossible of your relationships and you are therefore always doomed to be disappointed by them.

Each of these experiences is very sensory, assessing the other person's compatibility with your life vision and how they fit into it. Friends mirror what you like and hate in yourself, and that is why they are so precious. People whose relationships seem to be lasting, comfortable, and relatively balanced would tell stories that weren't about how impressive his/her butt was, or how they fell in love at first sight. Logic plays a huge role in relationship decision-making. We discover what a relationship really is and how it works, then realize it wasn't for us. Other words, you're not looking for the other, a person with specific traits to fill a gap, you're looking for your SELF.

Value your gifts and unique talents. It’s not about seeming ‘good’ or ‘right’ to other people anymore, it’s about being true to your own soul and fully alive in your own heart.

Edited May 29, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Cute-Meet4848]

13 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I'm back to my old self... My second Covid-19 booster threw me for a loop (most of the week), but I feel 90-95%.

After I posted this morning, my girlfriend got a text that her glasses were ready, so we had to make a run into town.  (we live in a very rural area in the desert).  She likes her new glasses and we ran a few other errands while we were in town.

Yes... some weeks are dull.  It is Saturday night, I hope you are planning on going out... crossing my fingers you have a nice time and maybe meet someone.  Please keep trying!!  I've met some women at times and places I really wasn't expecting to meet anyone.  Sometimes when you least expect it...

Any plans for the holiday (weekend)??

I keep forgetting that COVID-19 is still a thing - here in the UK, they've stopped reporting on it.

No plans to go out as I wasn't feeling too great yesterday. I'll be going to a pub meet later on this week. No other plans really.

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Who have you met at get-togethers or social gatherings you often attend and who have friends in common with you, but you haven't talked to them directly? Start there first.

Value your gifts and unique talents. It’s not about seeming ‘good’ or ‘right’ to other people anymore, it’s about being true to your own soul and fully alive in your own heart.

I speak to as many people as I can.

I think I have a good character - strong values, good moral judgement, kind and empathetic. I'm true to myself, and stand up if I need to. However, they don't seem to be traits that do well for interpersonal relationships, at least in my experience. There's probably just an aspect of my character that makes me a "loner", so I won't be surprised if I never do make friends / date. Statistically speaking, I guess there is always people out there like me.

[Happy Lemming]

On 5/29/2022 at 7:42 AM, Cute-Meet4848 said:

No plans to go out as I wasn't feeling too great yesterday.

 

Hope you are feeling better... 

 

On 5/29/2022 at 7:42 AM, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I'll be going to a pub meet later on this week.

 

GREAT!!  Fingers crossed you meet someone... think positive!!

When I'm feeling a bit defeated, I go to the pub and treat myself to a nice thick steak (medium-rare) and a pint (or two or three) of Guinness.

I actually met one woman (I dated) while drinking a pint of Guinness.  She saw me drinking it and asked if I was drinking tar??  I laughed and said "No, its Guinness, would you like to try a pint with me??".  We struck up a conversation, talked until the bar closed, exchanged phone numbers and I dated her for a while.  You just never know when you are going to meet someone or the circumstances around what starts a conversation.

Again... best of luck, this week!

[Cute-Meet4848]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

GREAT!!  Fingers crossed you meet someone... think positive!!

When I'm feeling a bit defeated, I go to the pub and treat myself to a nice thick steak (medium-rare) and a pint (or two or three) of Guinness.

I actually met one woman (I dated) while drinking a pint of Guinness.  She saw me drinking it and asked if I was drinking tar??  I laughed and said "No, its Guinness, would you like to try a pint with me??".  We struck up a conversation, talked until the bar closed, exchanged phone numbers and I dated her for a while.  You just never know when you are going to meet someone or the circumstances around what starts a conversation.

Again... best of luck, this week!

Ya'know, this is something that I cannot even begin to comprehend.

I remember, years back, when I was asking these same questions. Of course, the general consensus was to put myself out there. I did. I can't even begin to count the number of events I've gone to, the volunteering work I've done, the times I've been at a bar etc. Not once have I ever been approached for conversation.

I remember two occasions when I was at a night club with some of these people I know from group events; in both instances, there was a guy in the group who was very shy, couldn't dance, and was (subjectively) less attractive than me, and on these occasions they were sat, arms crossed, looking miserable in the corner of the room. The stereotypical "don't be that guy" scenario. Yet on both occasions, they had attractive women come up to them and make conversation, ask to dance and exchange social media. Now, don't get me wrong - I was very happy for them and it was good to see the not-so-confident men still have a good time and be noticed, but I couldn't help but wonder, "Why doesn't this ever happen to me?".

You see, I don't deny that these events can happen, but it seems God / the universe / fate doesn't want them to happen to me. I've been to bars countless time, doing my own thing, watching people around me with their friends or meet new folk, and I've essentially just been a ghost in the room. I can guarantee that a circumstance such as what you describe would never happen to me.

This doesn't stop me from doing things though. I've got multiple concerts lined up, a large convention to attend, and a conference for professional development. I'm just tired of going through life, alone.

For what it's worth, guys...I appreciate your support.

[Alpacalia]

On 5/29/2022 at 7:42 AM, Cute-Meet4848 said:

I speak to as many people as I can.

I think I have a good character - strong values, good moral judgement, kind and empathetic. I'm true to myself, and stand up if I need to. However, they don't seem to be traits that do well for interpersonal relationships, at least in my experience. There's probably just an aspect of my character that makes me a "loner", so I won't be surprised if I never do make friends / date. Statistically speaking, I guess there is always people out there like me.

There may be something else at play that is causing the problem rather than you.

Maybe some of these people just have a stick up their butter. 🧈

Yes, I agree about the statistical part. It's so much more common than you may realize.

Good for you with the upcoming plans. 

Sounds like some wonderful plans lined up for the future, so lots to look forward to!

[notbroken]

Never give up.   Obviously, you don't need dozens of close friends or ten girlfriends.  It'll happen.   I know LOTS of people.  I count only a few as close friends and have only one girlfriend.  It took me a long time to get both.   I think you'll find once you get one good friend or a girlfriend more will follow out of that (and you will). 

[Happy Lemming]

@Cute-Meet4848 How is your week going??  Anything new??

[Cute-Meet4848]

On 5/30/2022 at 10:19 PM, Alpacalia said:

There may be something else at play that is causing the problem rather than you.

I think it's fair to say that the problem is me. Question is - what?

On 5/31/2022 at 5:09 PM, notbroken said:

Never give up.   Obviously, you don't need dozens of close friends or ten girlfriends.  It'll happen.   I know LOTS of people.  I count only a few as close friends and have only one girlfriend.  It took me a long time to get both.   I think you'll find once you get one good friend or a girlfriend more will follow out of that (and you will). 

It's not that I "give up", but I have to face the reality it may not happen. I've been struggling like this for a long time now, with no real signs of improvements. I'm as friendless / dateless as I was years ago, and I refuse to be the man that gets settled for later in life.

I've missed out on all sorts of experiences in my youth. Sure, I've met a lot of people and done a lot of different things, but I've got no one to share my life with, in any capacity. That's just...sad.

5 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

@Cute-Meet4848 How is your week going??  Anything new??

I went to the bar I mentioned previously, spoke to the people I was with, and then left. Nothing out of the ordinary.  

I've had a lazy week, not really been in the mood to do much else.